Turned me into someone I'm not

[LMNO]

Having broken up with the love of my life a few months ago, I've done a lot of reflecting in between my intense periods of depression since we broke up.

 

I've come to realize that she turned me into a person that I never was before meeting her. She never respected me, and I firmly believe never loved me either. She was extremely narcissistic, and never made me comfortable in our relationship. Due to her being very sneaky and lying about everything, I eventually turned into the guy that didn't trust her at all, and would look thru her phone at times. No surprise, every time I did, I'd find that she was texting/flirting with other guys, had coworkers trying to hook her up with other coworkers, had naked pics of dudes emailed to her. She would go out with supposed friends of mine who obviously wanted to hook up with her behind my back, and not tell me about it(Who knows whether they hooked up or not...my guess would be yes).

 

Of course whenever she was called out on any of the above, she would turn it around on me, make me feel horrible about myself, break up with me, and then come crawling back. Me being young and dumb for most of the relationship, I'd always take her back. I love her more than anything, yet in the back of my mind, from day 1 of a 10 year relationship, I always new she didn't really care about me, especially when all of that started happening- which wasn't long after we started dating.

 

Is she a narcissists? Ive been reading a lot about it lately, and all signs point heavily in favor to yes.

 

Anyone else been in something like this? I'm finding it extremely hard to get over her and move on, especially since we have a child together. Advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Eve]

I don't think it is fair that you blame your ex for everything when there were clear signs given. Blame is a pointless exercise.

 

The issue is why you permitted yourself to be such a doormat. Getting ones head around an initial experience or two could be argued as being part of the learning process - but 10 years worth of doormat behaviours smacks of you lacking substance/backbone/substance issues/previous unresolved abuse (?)

 

Work on that for the sake of your child before she grows up with the same issues. To be specific - the aspect of childhood where a child can bounce back easily from situations - protect that in your child. Help her to have confidence in her intuitions and observations and let her know it is ok to trust her gut feelings. Primarily, make sure she is heard. I would say that both you and your ex are currently damaged in this regard mainly because your relationship provided space to hide, blame each other and be a false base to practice romanticised ideals of love.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[rizzla]

My story is terribly similar to yours, LMNO, with some ugly twists. I feel you completely. Try to take care of yourself and your child and read the forums for similar stories that may help you.

 

Eve, I think you're being a bit harsh and maybe not fully aware of how manipulative people can get. This is not a romanticised ideal of love: we got into relationships with the best hopes and, along a slow and painful process, we ended up being involved around a toxic web that caughts us off-guard. Even if we try to be rational about it, it twists all our emotional triggers in a devilish maze. I did things that were never within myself and that I regret deeply, that I would have never thought possible. I consider myself as a rational and intelligent person with poor emotional intelligence skills, and I assure you she took advantage of that every minute.

[Eve]

My story is terribly similar to yours, LMNO, with some ugly twists. I feel you completely. Try to take care of yourself and your child and read the forums for similar stories that may help you.

 

Eve, I think you're being a bit harsh and maybe not fully aware of how manipulative people can get. This is not a romanticised ideal of love: we got into relationships with the best hopes and, along a slow and painful process, we ended up being involved around a toxic web that caughts us off-guard. Even if we try to be rational about it, it twists all our emotional triggers in a devilish maze. I did things that were never within myself and that I regret deeply, that I would have never thought possible. I consider myself as a rational and intelligent person with poor emotional intelligence skills, and I assure you she took advantage of that every minute.

 

Maybe I am being a bit harsh but I don't see this as abuse; the girl dumped him numerous times.. when she was the one up to dodgy things.. and he took her back! That's called erosion of ones self respect, not abuse; he was not violated.

 

Under 20 years old it is kind of understandable in a first relationship etc. No, change that to 18 years old. Older than that and something is wrong somewhere. Smacks of martydom/unrealistic expectations to me.

 

I would suggest sitting with people who have been abused to get a better idea of what abuse actually is. This sounds more like isolation and loneliness. Although a form of psychological abuse was present I wouldn't encourange the man to consider himself a 'victim of abuse'.

 

No, the OP needs to pay closer attention and believe it when someone presents as untrustworthy is all. I hope he teaches this to his child and regains his self respect.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[rizzla]

Eve, erosion of one self respect can be triggered by previous events, but also through a long process of abuse, denial and one-sided expectations to fix the problems in a relationship. All the red flags are there, yes, but the spouse can be very manipulative making you believe that they'll try to contribute to the needed changes. I agree with you that, in the end, we should be more analytical in our relationships and have a serious backbone regarding the important issues. But some people coming to LS have been dragged through some serious psychological manipulation, and this shouldn't be disregarded.

 

I appreciate your comments, even if a bit distant from the human factor. They are confident and dead right overall. We all wished having those clear principles during ****storm. But we didn't.

[WhoreyBull]

The thing is... It doesn't matter. But I don't think she turned you into anything. It doesn't matter what she is, it matters what you are.

Because when people try to use labels like "narcissist" or "borderline" to demonize a partner they are avoiding using their own diagnosis. What's wrong with you? Why did you let yourself get pushed around. She's a narcissistic hey? Do you know what sort of person a narcissist targets?

A weak person. Someone with low will. Someone they can manipulate and feel like the sun revolves around them.

Why are you revolving around this stupid little hunk of rock? You are the big sun and it's your light that makes what it shines on brilliant. Your wife only has her narcissism because when she asked for it you gave it to her Mr. Sun.

Put those beams back on the important thing, the relationship between you and your beautiful child you made together.

Stop thinking of your ex. If she is a narcissist wouldn't knowing all the reading and research, pain and time you've spent finding out about HER condition make her feel ****ing powerful?

Let her find her own shrink, she's doesn't control you anymore.

[WhoreyBull]

Although a form of psychological abuse was present I wouldn't encourange the man to consider himself a 'victim of abuse'.

 

 

What makes me sad is you can say a type of abuse is present, but you don't think he should consider himself a victim of abuse.

What? How far do you want it to go?

One form of abuse is not enough for you? Pretty cute how you italicized "form", like you want to make it trivial.

Oh it's just a type of psychological abuse. You know, that new cute form of psychological abuse. I'm kind of sad that you live in a world where the constant and deliberate wearing away of one's self worth is not seen as abusive. Or a form of abuse.

I agree I don't think he should be focusing on her end of this so much and stop being a doormat, but he shouldn't trivialize what he went through. Not at all.

I suggest you go sit with some victims of abuse so you can see there is not a rating scale of pain among them. Just because you didn't get a third degree burn doesn't make the second degree feel any kinder.

Edited April 4, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[Eve]

What makes me sad is you can say a type of abuse is present, but you don't think he should consider himself a victim of abuse.

What? How far do you want it to go?

One form of abuse is not enough for you? Pretty cute how you italicized "form", like you want to make it trivial.

Oh it's just a type of psychological abuse. You know, that new cute form of psychological abuse. I'm kind of sad that you live in a world where the constant and deliberate wearing away of one's self worth is not seen as abusive. Or a form of abuse.

I agree I don't think he should be focusing on her end of this so much and stop being a doormat, but he shouldn't trivialize what he went through. Not at all.

I suggest you go sit with some victims of abuse so you can see there is not a rating scale of pain among them. Just because you didn't get a third degree burn doesn't make the second degree feel any kinder.

 

In short, someone not doing what you want them to is not abuse. The man was not violated. This is why so many men on this site are stuck. There is a difference between actual abuse and holding onto an idea of abuse.

 

Nope, his ex could be called a bit off a bitch, maybe a liar too. That is all.

 

Consequences to actions can be brutal. Taking someone back who you knew from Day 1 that they did not care about you is bound to have a consequence or two.

 

Take care,

Eve x