I got kissed by my best friend, who is married??

[zeldaxlove]

I'm a little nervous to post this on here, but I need to tell someone. I'm freaking out. This may sound bad, but let me just tell you that I do feel like a horrible, dirty mistress. I don't really like it, but at the same time, I oddly, and guiltily, do like it. Just knowing that I enjoyed it makes me feel sick.

 

I work at a nursing home as a CNA. When I first started working at this place, this man became one of my first friends there, and he's one of the most caring and nicest people I know. We hang out all the time outside of work. He and I have been best friends for almost 2 years. His wife and I are also good friends. She hangs out with us sometimes. But, she doesn't mind him and I hanging out at all. She's told both of us that.

 

Well, the other day, we were both hanging out at his and his wife's new house. I had helped him move that day. We were sitting on his couch watching tv, when he kissed me out of nowhere. And...I kissed back. He tried to go further, but I told him no. He respected what I wanted...and did not.

 

I was proud of myself for stopping, because I have always liked him. I just never acted on it. I had noooo idea that he liked me that way too! He told me he did afterwards.

 

Needless to say -- I have no idea what to do! Help me, please?

Edited April 3, 2013 by zeldaxlove

[zeldaxlove]

I actually really did not know he liked me that way. I'm not playing naive. He always talks about his wife. I know he's off limits. When I asked what I should do, maybe I did not make myself very clear. I know I'm becoming a dirty mistress at the moment, and I need to stop. I know that. I'm not that stupid. I basically am asking, should I tell his wife, or no? I'm afraid it'd backfire on me or something, and this may sound bad...but I don't want to make him mad, or hurt her.

[zeldaxlove]

Yeah...he's my best friend. I tell him everything. I don't want to lose my best friend. It's very difficult. I don't want to wind up in bed with him, because I respect his wife a lot. She's a very wonderful woman. I don't understand why he would want to mess that up with her. He's not that kind of person...or, at least I thought he wasn't. It's hard.

[CarrieT]

Yeah...he's my best friend. I tell him everything. I don't want to lose my best friend.

Too late. He ruined that with the kiss. Sorry to say, but it is time to find a new best friend because you can't be alone with him from now on.

 

I don't understand why he would want to mess that up with her. He's not that kind of person...or, at least I thought he wasn't. It's hard.

It is hard to find out the truth about someone. The best thing you can do is explain to BOTH OF THEM IN PERSON that the dynamic in the relationship has changed and you are going to be more scarce for a while.

 

Then go and proceed to find new friends and ones who won't abuse their relationship with you like this.

[Cali408]

Have a threesome! No that would be horrible immature advice...

 

Men and women can't be best friends. I had one, was incredibly attracted to her and voila, had an affair on my wife for 5 years. You can't do it, because people get emotionally attached. You are attached emotionally to him and he is attached emotionally and physically to you.

 

You weren't hanging out with his wife because you liked her. You liked him and subconsciously had your eyes on the prize.

 

You are at a crossroads. You can push for the full blown affair and you will leave with nothing but carnage and a broken heart. Or do the right thing and back way off. I hope you choose the latter.

[Poppy fields]

Yeah...he's my best friend. I tell him everything. I don't want to lose my best friend. It's very difficult. I don't want to wind up in bed with him, because I respect his wife a lot. She's a very wonderful woman. I don't understand why he would want to mess that up with her. He's not that kind of person...or, at least I thought he wasn't. It's hard.

 

He is that kind of person, and he is not your best friend. A best riend would not put you in this position. Don't kid yourself. You are not special and this is probably not the first time he has done something like this. No matter what he tells you.

 

You don't respect the wife either or you would not have kissed her husband. You need to end this now, but I am sure you already know that.

[stillafool]

You knew all along that you liked this man more than just friends. You should have stepped away then. Instead you befriended his wife and tried to act as if everything was platonic when you knew it wasn't. The reason he kissed you is because he knows that you want him and have for some time. He was horny, needs some strange and thought he'd go in for it. I suggest you tell his wife what you have done and then step away from these people as you are not their friend.

[georgia girl]

You just lost your best friend. Unfortunately, that's the truth. He violated that friendship contract when he kissed you. Despite your attraction to him and the fact that this loss will hurt very much, you need to just walk away. Distance yourself from him and never go back there. This is self-protection. Believe me, it's the only safe way out of your situation where your heart doesn't wind up totally bruised and battered.

 

It means denying something I think you desperately want but that would be the very worst thing you can do.

[whichwayisup]

I actually really did not know he liked me that way. I'm not playing naive. He always talks about his wife. I know he's off limits. When I asked what I should do, maybe I did not make myself very clear. I know I'm becoming a dirty mistress at the moment, and I need to stop. I know that. I'm not that stupid. I basically am asking, should I tell his wife, or no? I'm afraid it'd backfire on me or something, and this may sound bad...but I don't want to make him mad, or hurt her.

 

Back off then and end the friendship. You both crossed the line by kissing (yes you could have shoved him off of you asap, but you didn't and you admit you do have some feelings but know since he is married he's hands off) and the friendship is changed now for good. The platonic part of it and the feelings that have been spoken, the kiss, ruined it all.

 

If you tell his wife, be prepared for her to be angry at both you and him as she will think there's been an A going on for a while. She trusted both of you, blindly. Maybe that was a mistake. Men who are married should not be spending SO MUCH time with another woman, and you being single, a married man should not be your best friend.

 

You should be mad at him as well. And obviously you're kind of angry at yourself too, though he is the one who made the move and wanted it to go further.

 

He is not the "nice guy" you think he is. New house with his wife and he makes a move on you?? It's disrespectful on so many levels.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah...he's my best friend. I tell him everything. I don't want to lose my best friend. It's very difficult. I don't want to wind up in bed with him, because I respect his wife a lot. She's a very wonderful woman. I don't understand why he would want to mess that up with her. He's not that kind of person...or, at least I thought he wasn't. It's hard.

 

But he shouldn't be your best friend because he's married. Your best friend should be a woman or your boyfriend. NOT someone's husband. You automatically get emotionally attached, it just happens and before you know it, feelings are there.

 

HE IS that person. HE is thinking with the wrong head.

 

Sorry, but this friendship has to end otherwise you WILL be tempted to kiss/fool around or sleep with him. You will somehow push aside guilty thoughts of his wife and just go for it IF you listen to your emotions and sexual urges.

 

Get busier with women friends and stay away from him. Really you gotta do this and tell him that what happened has ruined it all. BE strong. And remember, he isn't "yours" so even though you feel like he's your best friend, he isn't because those feelings are romantic and sexual...Probably has been for a while and maybe he picked up on a vibe. Were you two ever affectionate or flirty? Or did this kiss really just come out of the blue and catch you for total surprise?

[Standard-Fare]

I think a lot of people here are being a bit dramatic. Yeah, the kiss never should have happened. Yeah, it's confusing. But you two haven't slept together, you're not having an affair, and things don't need to go any further than they already have.

 

You're just going to have to be more conscious of maintaining a safe distance in this friendship. Especially for the next few weeks -- you'll really need to step back some. Don't let him think that you two are going to explore this curiosity any further. Make it clear that it was a one-time blip that won't happen again. Let there be no talking of "liking each other in that way."

 

It's true, you probably can never be as tight with him as you've been before, now that this line has been officially crossed. But if you two can keep things cool I don't think you'll have to lose the friendship.

 

If you take the other route and dive into this deeper, there is SO MUCH to lose. I can guarantee a world of pain. So just make the decision now when you can -- don't do it.

[whichwayisup]

I think a lot of people here are being a bit dramatic. Yeah, the kiss never should have happened. Yeah, it's confusing. But you two haven't slept together, you're not having an affair, and things don't need to go any further than they already have.

 

You're just going to have to be more conscious of maintaining a safe distance in this friendship. Especially for the next few weeks -- you'll really need to step back some. Don't let him think that you two are going to explore this curiosity any further. Make it clear that it was a one-time blip that won't happen again. Let there be no talking of "liking each other in that way."

 

It's true, you probably can never be as tight with him as you've been before, now that this line has been officially crossed. But if you two can keep things cool I don't think you'll have to lose the friendship.

 

If you take the other route and dive into this deeper, there is SO MUCH to lose. I can guarantee a world of pain. So just make the decision now when you can -- don't do it.

 

Bolded part. Better for everybody here to over react and give her a swift kick in the butt, than tell her, don't worry about it, go on being friends with the guy..

 

 

I was proud of myself for stopping, because I have always liked him. I just never acted on it. I had noooo idea that he liked me that way too! He told me he did afterwards.

 

Fact is, they do have some feelings for each other and it's out in the open between them now. That line has been crossed and they can never go back to how it was the day before..Innocent and platonic. As soon as that kiss happened, everything changed, their dynamic will change and there's a good chance it WILL happen again if they are alone together, given the circumstances.

[georgia girl]

I stand by my post and I don't think it's overreacting. Kissing IS cheating and he expressed feelings. She also has feelings. This is doomed and in the end, it seems fairly common that the OW is the one hurt the most. Who wouldn't warn someone in this situation?

[wisernow]

I think a lot of people here are being a bit dramatic. Yeah, the kiss never should have happened. Yeah, it's confusing. But you two haven't slept together, you're not having an affair, and things don't need to go any further than they already have.

 

You're just going to have to be more conscious of maintaining a safe distance in this friendship. Especially for the next few weeks -- you'll really need to step back some. Don't let him think that you two are going to explore this curiosity any further. Make it clear that it was a one-time blip that won't happen again. Let there be no talking of "liking each other in that way."

 

It's true, you probably can never be as tight with him as you've been before, now that this line has been officially crossed. But if you two can keep things cool I don't think you'll have to lose the friendship.

 

If you take the other route and dive into this deeper, there is SO MUCH to lose. I can guarantee a world of pain. So just make the decision now when you can -- don't do it.

 

I wonder I'd this dude was your husband and kissed another woman (who oh, btw, is "friends" with you) if you'd feel is was, okay, not affair material, and people saying it was a big deal would you classify them as being a "bit dramatic". Yea, I don't think so. Having sex isn't the be all end all to classify an affair, nor lessen the hurt of the BS.

[Lillyfree]

No, it will be the wife who gets hurt the most. She is not only being betrayed by her husband but by someone who is a friend and was invited into her home. The OW causes her own pain.

 

this is said a lot. i don't think that anyone disputes the fact that pain is self-inflicted... however OW *does* get hurt. that, is also a fact.

[zeldaxlove]

It's so hard to step back and just let our friendship go, though. And, it was a kiss out of the blue. I never expected it. We never flirted or anything. One minute we were laughing and talking, and the next minute - BAM! He kissed me. I was shocked! I wish there was a way to fix it and go back in the past, but I see how that's impossible. It makes me sad. He called me yesterday and told me he was surprised that he doesn't feel as much "tension" between us now than he did before. He feels less...I guess. I don't know what he meant by that, but...I don't know. It's just difficult.

[whichwayisup]

It's so hard to step back and just let our friendship go, though. And, it was a kiss out of the blue. I never expected it. We never flirted or anything. One minute we were laughing and talking, and the next minute - BAM! He kissed me. I was shocked! I wish there was a way to fix it and go back in the past, but I see how that's impossible. It makes me sad. He called me yesterday and told me he was surprised that he doesn't feel as much "tension" between us now than he did before. He feels less...I guess. I don't know what he meant by that, but...I don't know. It's just difficult.

It doesn't matter though, what he feels. Fact is, you have feelings for him and forever your dynamic has changed. Not just because of the kiss but you both admitted 'feelings' were there. That is why the friendship has to end. If you don't do this, both you and him will be making a fool of his wife. Especially if you spend one on one time with her. and, what if in the future he kisses you again? Fact is, you like him so chances are, you won't stop it from happening, you'll get caught up in the heat of moment, not thinking of consquences.

[Standard-Fare]

Well, I agree with everyone who's saying that the dynamic of this friendship is changed forever. I agree that the dude crossed a major, important line that he shouldn't have ever considered crossing had he wanted to stay close friends with the OP.

 

But I don't think it all has to be gloom and doom from here. OP, you probably can never be "best friends" with him again, but that doesn't mean you can't maintain some kind of friendship.

 

For now, you really need to keep your distance. And anytime you do hang out with him, you should make sure it's with all three of you (the wife, your friend, you). Don't be alone with him for a long while. And if he ever tries anything again, you have the right to get very angry and tell him off. He can't have you. He's married. That's the way that works.

 

But I think it would be a real mistake to tell the wife at this point. If this can remain in the category, "Wow, we really f*cked up but that was a one-time thing and it will never, ever happen again," it would be better for the wife to not know. That's my opinion.

[ThatJustHappened]

It's so hard to step back and just let our friendship go, though. And, it was a kiss out of the blue. I never expected it. We never flirted or anything. One minute we were laughing and talking, and the next minute - BAM! He kissed me. I was shocked! I wish there was a way to fix it and go back in the past, but I see how that's impossible. It makes me sad. He called me yesterday and told me he was surprised that he doesn't feel as much "tension" between us now than he did before. He feels less...I guess. I don't know what he meant by that, but...I don't know. It's just difficult.

 

From what you described earlier it doesn't really sound like it was out of the blue. It sounds like you've had sexual tension for a while and that this was bound to happen eventually. Probably for the best that this happened the way it did..now you can move on with your life and make some new friends.

[CarrieT]

He called me yesterday and told me he was surprised that he doesn't feel as much "tension" between us now than he did before.

What that means in ManSpeak = HE feels the sexual desire that he has towards you has been unmasked and he can start grooming you to be the other woman now that the genie has been let out of the bottle and cannot be put back.

 

I don't know what he meant by that

I hope my explanation helps.

 

 

It means - as I stated before - you CANNOT remain friends with him and you certainly should never be in his presence alone.

[amaysngrace]

If he's really your best friend tell him that you like him as a friend but won't disrespect his marriage, his wife or yourself by being physical with him ever again.

 

If he's your best friend he will understand and accept that.

[zeldaxlove]

What that means in ManSpeak = HE feels the sexual desire that he has towards you has been unmasked and he can start grooming you to be the other woman now that the genie has been let out of the bottle and cannot be put back.

 

 

I hope my explanation helps.

 

 

It means - as I stated before - you CANNOT remain friends with him and you certainly should never be in his presence alone.

 

Ooooohhhhh....oh my. Well, I was hoping he meant that the tension died down and he didn't feel the desire to do it again. That's rude. I don't want to be a sex toy.

 

Oh, and...the kiss did kind of feel out of the blue. There has been tension previously while we've been hanging out, but it's never been acted upon. I just change the subject or break the silence and awkwardness by being random. Like...I ask him for a drink and get up and look around, for example. But when he kissed me, I didn't feel any tension prior to it. It was just - BAM! Kiss. Out of nowhere. I'm wondering if he did it on purpose so I didn't break the mood.

[ComingInHot]

Zeldaxlove,". I don't want to lose my best friend. It's very difficult. I don't want to wind up in bed with him, because I respect his wife a lot."

 

You write you Don't want to wind up in bed... I don't understand. If you Don't want to do something you know is wrong and would hurt you, your friends & their M & families, why would you?

Wouldn't you say, "no"? Look, it's easy, "No.". There, I just said it.

 

I say NO quite a bit so as to protect those and care for those I love.

 

Are you worried he's going to Make you bed him?!