People who plant doubts into your LDR

[Celtica]

So I just broke up with a guy who became official 4 days ago (it would have been long distant soon after).

 

Why?

 

Because I was influenced by little birds in my ear such as:

 

1) My mom: "Did you ask him about infidelity?" or "Aren't you going to feel really depressed when he leaves"?

 

2) My cousin: "Are you sure he wants/you want to be exclusive?" or "How are you going to develop anything when he's not there?"

 

WHY CAN'T I JUST LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT DOUBTS AND LEARN FROM MY SO-CALLED IF ANY MISTAKES??? (sorry, I'm pretty upset right now)

 

I called him as if I was hypnotized and told him that maybe we shouldn't be exclusive. Which I WANTED TO BE! He turned really cold, I mean really cold, and said he had to finish packing and hung up. Then he proceeded to cancel any plans we had together and said maybe we can revisit it in the future.

 

I replied with a "sorry I was confused" response because of xyz (I couldn't dare blame my cousin) and he replied with an "I can't date girls who have trust issues" response (I told him about my dad's affair and that it's hard for me to trust).

 

What I felt like just went down was a scenario of the woman who breaks a man's heart then begs for him to return, while clenching onto his leg while he walks on.

 

I'm so upset right now. Sad mostly. I should have just never called him nor listened to my cousin or my mom. I should have lived! Live and decided things on my own. No more advice books. No more consulting friends. Living! That's what I'm going to do! Follow my gut!!!!! I encourage all to do that on here too!!! We must experience what it means to love and be vulnerable when our instincts allow it.

 

 

That's my rant. I feel better now.

[Nyla]

Sometimes the people who care about you, would like you to consider all possibilities of a romantic situation, so that you go into it with your eyes open. I bet your mom and your friend don't want to see you hurt.

 

You mentioned that you have trust issues because your father cheated. This makes complete sense and I feel that your ex should have been far more understanding of your trust issues, given the circumstances.

 

In the end, you choose what or whom you are influenced by. If you wanted to be exclusive with this man, you should have felt confident enough to do so without approval from others. Don't blame others for "putting doubts in your head."

[Els]

I think the core issue here is that YOU had doubts, and the people around you amplified that.

 

Not that I blame you. LDR after 4 days of being official? I don't think that's necessarily the greatest situation to be putting yourself in. Sure there are exceptions, but in general that wouldn't be a great idea.

 

I'm not even talking about infidelity. Most people who are in healthy LDRs find that infidelity is the least of their concerns. I'm talking about going through one of the most painful relationship circumstances with someone whom you barely have any foundation with and don't know that well. Make no mistake, LDRs are an investment, an investment of pain and tears and loneliness in exchange for the ideal of being together with your soulmate someday, and investments are only worth it if you believe the other person is worth it. With 4 days together, I don't believe you can.

[Celtica]

Sometimes the people who care about you, would like you to consider all possibilities of a romantic situation, so that you go into it with your eyes open. I bet your mom and your friend don't want to see you hurt.

 

You mentioned that you have trust issues because your father cheated. This makes complete sense and I feel that your ex should have been far more understanding of your trust issues, given the circumstances.

 

In the end, you choose what or whom you are influenced by. If you wanted to be exclusive with this man, you should have felt confident enough to do so without approval from others. Don't blame others for "putting doubts in your head."

 

I said the thing about my father during the heat of the text argument, when I was really, really upset and crying to myself. I used it as an excuse though, which he might have realized.

 

True about doubts.

 

I am still in shock though at how cold he turned. I'm tired of blaming myself for everything.

 

How the hell can one man go from being a sweetie pie to a cold-hearted monster?

 

Confuses the hell out of me.

[Celtica]

I think the core issue here is that YOU had doubts, and the people around you amplified that.

 

Not that I blame you. LDR after 4 days of being official? I don't think that's necessarily the greatest situation to be putting yourself in. Sure there are exceptions, but in general that wouldn't be a great idea.

 

I'm not even talking about infidelity. Most people who are in healthy LDRs find that infidelity is the least of their concerns. I'm talking about going through one of the most painful relationship circumstances with someone whom you barely have any foundation with and don't know that well. Make no mistake, LDRs are an investment, an investment of pain and tears and loneliness in exchange for the ideal of being together with your soulmate someday, and investments are only worth it if you believe the other person is worth it. With 4 days together, I don't believe you can.

 

We had been dating 4 months.

 

Basically I'm the numbest person when it comes to connecting with another. This is why I'm so tired of people telling me how I should do things. I want to connect with a man. I've never had sex and I think this is one reason why I have a hard time connecting. Everyone knows i haven't had sex though, so that's why I hear a lot of the "we don't want you to get hurt" talk. Which is bull**** in my opinion. Anyone who becomes numb to their true desires for sake of fear of the unknown, is NOT living their lives. They are the ones stuck in a room reading self-help books the rest of their life until they are too sick to live. Where do you think these people who write self-help books get their ideas? From other books? No! Sorry but there is a reason why people who are older are wiser. Experience. Period.

 

What I would love to hear more from people is, "Go, live your life to it's fullest. Know what it means to fall in love. "

[Els]

We had been dating 4 months.

 

Basically I'm the numbest person when it comes to connecting with another. This is why I'm so tired of people telling me how I should do things. I want to connect with a man. I've never had sex and I think this is one reason why I have a hard time connecting. Everyone knows i haven't had sex though, so that's why I hear a lot of the "we don't want you to get hurt" talk. Which is bull**** in my opinion. Anyone who becomes numb to their true desires for sake of fear of the unknown, is NOT living their lives. They are the ones stuck in a room reading self-help books the rest of their life until they are too sick to live. Where do you think these people who write self-help books get their ideas? From other books? No! Sorry but there is a reason why people who are older are wiser. Experience. Period.

 

What I would love to hear more from people is, "Go, live your life to it's fullest. Know what it means to fall in love. "

 

Then perhaps filter how you receive advice by considering the history and experience of the people giving it.

 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Is it simply to rant? If it is, go ahead. I'm well acquainted with how frustrating it can be to deal with well-intentioned people who just don't understand LDRs and the concept of keeping unsolicited advice to themselves.

[soccerrprp]

I think the core issue here is that YOU had doubts, and the people around you amplified that.

 

Not that I blame you. LDR after 4 days of being official? I don't think that's necessarily the greatest situation to be putting yourself in. Sure there are exceptions, but in general that wouldn't be a great idea.

 

I'm not even talking about infidelity. Most people who are in healthy LDRs find that infidelity is the least of their concerns. I'm talking about going through one of the most painful relationship circumstances with someone whom you barely have any foundation with and don't know that well. Make no mistake, LDRs are an investment, an investment of pain and tears and loneliness in exchange for the ideal of being together with your soulmate someday, and investments are only worth it if you believe the other person is worth it. With 4 days together, I don't believe you can.

 

This is sound.

[sweetkiwi]

Ouch. You can always reconsider if this is what YOU really want.

 

All others be damned. People tried to plant crap in my head too and I laughed in their faces.

[soccerrprp]

Ouch. You can always reconsider if this is what YOU really want.

 

All others be damned. People tried to plant crap in my head too and I laughed in their faces.

 

In the end, as inexperienced as the OP is and likely very young, this is not good advice.

 

There are people who care about your well-being, listen. They know you better than you may think and certainly more/better than the guys you will be dating.

 

sweetkiwi, of all the times/years you've laughed in their faces and made all of your own decisions, are you now in a working, loving relationship? No malice here. Just wondering.

 

OP, you make your own decision in the end, but listen to people who love and care about you.

[sweetkiwi]

Anyone who becomes numb to their true desires for sake of fear of the unknown, is NOT living their lives. They are the ones stuck in a room reading self-help books the rest of their life until they are too sick to live. Where do you think these people who write self-help books get their ideas? From other books? No! Sorry but there is a reason why people who are older are wiser. Experience. Period.

And yet thats exactly what YOU did was to hide from experiences that may be hurtful. I've done most of my growth in those moments where the sun has set on my life and the dawn seems so so far away. Those are character building moments. And you opted out.

What I would love to hear more from people is, "Go, live your life to it's fullest. Know what it means to fall in love. "

GO!!!! Why do you need anyone's permission to live your life as YOU see fit. Society will tear you in a million directions if you have no sense of self or the balls to stand your ground.

[LittleTiger]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out.

 

I do think though that, given what you have said, it was probably for the best. LDRs are tough at the best of times and it takes a certain kind of personality to tolerate the hardships involved.

 

If you aren't the sort of person who is single-minded enough to make up her own mind and ignore the doubts of others, it is very unlikely that your LDR would have survived. The one thing most of us here have in common is our unshakable belief in our relationships - regardless of other people's opinions.

 

Since you were so easily persuaded to give up on the idea of a LDR, I have to agree with others that you must have had doubts of your own that were simply magnified by other's opinions.

 

I don't think it is fair to think too harshly of your ex-boyfriend. He was hurt and angry that you changed your mind so quickly. Wouldn't you have felt the same if he had done the same to you?

 

I am one of those people who believes that you should go out and live your life to the full - find the love that you want and don't let anyone stand in your way. However, if you are waiting for other people to give you permission to do so, you will wait a very long time. You are in control of your own life, so live it as you choose!

[soccerrprp]

And yet thats exactly what YOU did was to hide from experiences that may be hurtful. I've done most of my growth in those moments where the sun has set on my life and the dawn seems so so far away. Those are character building moments. And you opted out.

GO!!!! Why do you need anyone's permission to live your life as YOU see fit. Society will tear you in a million directions if you have no sense of self or the balls to stand your ground.

 

Experiencing life does not preclude listening to wisdom and avoiding as much hurt as possible. We're talking about relationships, the first time, intimacy, etc. Not whether one wants to go out of state or not for college...

 

And please remember that the OP has issues of her own that she needs to tackle, that places her especially vulnerable.

[sweetkiwi]

In the end, as inexperienced as the OP is and likely very young, this is not good advice.

 

There are people who care about your well-being, listen. They know you better than you may think and certainly more/better than the guys you will be dating.

Yes of course she should be aware of the possibility of heartbreak. Though its kind of apparent. The heart wants what the heart wants but don't forget to bring your brain to the party.

sweetkiwi, of all the times/years you've laughed in their faces and made all of your own decisions, are you now in a working, loving relationship? No malice here. Just wondering.

Yes. I myself have begun my first LDR. If there is no trust and open communication there is no relationship. OP had her own doubts which the comments of her family/friends just compounded. I meant that I laughed in the faces of people saying my man will cheat. He is so far away he can do whatever he wishes. YES OF COURSE he could!!! But I am putting my trust in him that he won't. Because neither one of us wants to memorize this.

[sweetkiwi]

Experiencing life does not preclude listening to wisdom and avoiding as much hurt as possible. We're talking about relationships, the first time, intimacy, etc. Not whether one wants to go out of state or not for college...

 

And please remember that the OP has issues of her own that she needs to tackle, that places her especially vulnerable.

 

I do not advocate anyone putting themselves in direct emotional or physical danger. If that is the case then no of course OP shouldn't attempt this relationship.

 

But opting out of a relationship just because it'd be hard??? Seems like a life half lived. You can heal from pain. But how does one heal from regret?

[justwhoiam]

It's fine as long as you blame yourself for your own actions, don't complain about him getting cold. You sound fickle, and many people don't get along well with your type of person. Live and learn. That might be your trait for life. I know fickle persons. They usually are not reliable and most of the time they don't even know what they want. I have two friends like that.

[Celtica]

Yes, there were lots of things I doubted. Yes indeed. Should I say doubted or should I say knew?

 

I knew that:

1) It was hard to communicate with him from the beginning. He comes from a working-class background and I come from white-collar.

2) He drank a lot (no alcoholic though) and wasn't too concerned about health, which I like to be.

 

which led to such doubt:

a) that I would never be able to discuss my vulnerabilities with him (obvo after his ****ty comment), which fine, I understand his needs but honestly, I was really accepting of his vulnerabilities.

b) that if we ever had kids they would possibly be raised in a different manner than either of us wanted, especially education-wise

c) if he has a difficult time communicating now, how will he be in 20 years or if he goes through a mid-life crisis? I've witnessed taciturn men in my family, and it's horribly uncomfortable, like their wives are walking on egg-shells.

d) the inability to communicate would lead to his wrath or anger. Seemed fine before, but what would happen if I did something that upset him? How would he react?

 

BUT BUT BUT

 

These doubts were the unknowns. The unknowns!!!! I want to live and learn people.

 

What I also knew that made me hopeful:

1) He was a relationship-type of guy (at least that's what I thought in the beginning until unsupported doubts settled in)

2) He was very attracted to me, and I was attracted to him, sexually, physically.

3) He liked to cuddle, which I don't meet often.

4) He didn't have many expectations except for respect and love, which is what I need right now (i.e. not a nagger)

5) He texted me every day a good morning and pursued me til I broke it off.

6) He was very respectful of me as a female. He opened doors, payed for meals, listened to me when I spoke (even if he didn't have much to say from it). He wanted me in his life. He was a MAN.

7) Had the same political preferences and music preferences, which can be hard to find where I'm from and with my education.

 

 

POINT: Yes I have had many doubts in my life. Yes yes yes. And most of them have turned into excuses for not living. Probably one of them being my dad's 8 year affair!!!! But F that. I am not going to doubt my actions anymore, especially if I DO trust someone, which I DID trust him in his willingness to be faithful. Why did I break it off? Well deep, deep down in my head I was thinking I could always point fingers at others to say, she/he/it made me think it, do it, etc. SO all of you ARE right. So thank you. From this point on I'm going to OWN my decisions. They are mine!

 

DOUBTS don't always have to become actions either. Pressure to do something that is not of my own gut or will should be smashed.

[chelsea2011]

Yes, there were lots of things I doubted. Yes indeed. Should I say doubted or should I say knew?

 

I knew that:

1) It was hard to communicate with him from the beginning. He comes from a working-class background and I come from white-collar.

2) He drank a lot (no alcoholic though) and wasn't too concerned about health, which I like to be.

 

which led to such doubt:

a) that I would never be able to discuss my vulnerabilities with him (obvo after his ****ty comment), which fine, I understand his needs but honestly, I was really accepting of his vulnerabilities.

b) that if we ever had kids they would possibly be raised in a different manner than either of us wanted, especially education-wise

c) if he has a difficult time communicating now, how will he be in 20 years or if he goes through a mid-life crisis? I've witnessed taciturn men in my family, and it's horribly uncomfortable, like their wives are walking on egg-shells.

d) the inability to communicate would lead to his wrath or anger. Seemed fine before, but what would happen if I did something that upset him? How would he react?

 

BUT BUT BUT

 

These doubts were the unknowns. The unknowns!!!! I want to live and learn people.

 

What I also knew that made me hopeful:

1) He was a relationship-type of guy (at least that's what I thought in the beginning until unsupported doubts settled in)

2) He was very attracted to me, and I was attracted to him, sexually, physically.

3) He liked to cuddle, which I don't meet often.

4) He didn't have many expectations except for respect and love, which is what I need right now (i.e. not a nagger)

5) He texted me every day a good morning and pursued me til I broke it off.

6) He was very respectful of me as a female. He opened doors, payed for meals, listened to me when I spoke (even if he didn't have much to say from it). He wanted me in his life. He was a MAN.

7) Had the same political preferences and music preferences, which can be hard to find where I'm from and with my education.

 

 

POINT: Yes I have had many doubts in my life. Yes yes yes. And most of them have turned into excuses for not living. Probably one of them being my dad's 8 year affair!!!! But F that. I am not going to doubt my actions anymore, especially if I DO trust someone, which I DID trust him in his willingness to be faithful. Why did I break it off? Well deep, deep down in my head I was thinking I could always point fingers at others to say, she/he/it made me think it, do it, etc. SO all of you ARE right. So thank you. From this point on I'm going to OWN my decisions. They are mine!

 

DOUBTS don't always have to become actions either. Pressure to do something that is not of my own gut or will should be smashed.

 

So sorry this happened to you. It totally sucks. What well meaning people neglect to realize is that this is YOUR life to live and YOUR mistakes to make. In the future just listen to the advice and take from it what rings true for you and leave the rest and decide on your own what you want to do. The only way you are going to learn about life is to get out there and start living it! If you make a mistake so what. It's your mistake to make and learn from as well. It's how you grow and evolve. . . Ya know?

[sweetkiwi]

IMO he wasn't a suitable partner and even living together wouldn't change that.

[Celtica]

IMO he wasn't a suitable partner and even living together wouldn't change that.

 

Can you elaborate as to why you think that?