Platonic male friends

[RedRobin]

Yeah...I think guys should stop putting so much pressure on themselves and women

to "seal the deal as quickly as possible". As I've stated, many guys insecurely

try to get the girl into bed fast, hoping an orgasm will make her grow attached.

 

... or they can slut shame or extort her into sticking around after she finds out something he should have shared with her before becoming intimate...

 

 

I think as long as the girl is showing signs that this guy can be the

boyfriend, despite that she's not going to go to bed by date 3, then he should have a little brainpower to perhaps wait and see.

 

I know some guys then complain how they went on 6 dates with a girl, paid for everything, no nookie, and then feel used...but again, it comes down to good judgement. Too often they were friendzoned, could have seen it, but chose to deny it.

 

Yes... and they can also choose dates that don't cost a lot of money. Although, my time is more important than $$ at this point. Which is why I've shrugged of coffee meetings altogether in favor of meeting someone doing something the say they enjoy.

 

I dunno...when I knew a girl was into me, she showed it in dates. Wasn't even about physical intimacy, but her body language and such. When she dolled herself up for me, was attentive, treated me like a boyfriend and not just some guy friend.

 

Exactly!

 

We unfortunately live in an instant gratification age where everyone wants it all now.

 

*sigh* yes it is....

[Plutonic Love]

I dunno...when I knew a girl was into me, she showed it in dates. Wasn't even about physical intimacy, but her body language and such. When she dolled herself up for me, was attentive, treated me like a boyfriend and not just some guy friend.

 

Can you explain this a bit? Other than basic flirting, how does a woman treat you like a boyfriend, rather than "just some guy friend?" I will do my hair and dress nicely when I see the man I'm interested in. Have never been much of a make up person (why cover up one of my best assets with something that doesn't match?), but I'll put on lipstick or gloss and some mascara if I'm seeing him.

 

I'm a late and VERY slow bloomer. I didn't date until my third year of college. Have never had a real relationship with someone I wanted to be with (lots who were too old for me, had nothing in common, weren't smart enough and assumed I was black and either were black themselves (and were ultimately angry I wasn't what they inexplicably assumed I'd be) or wanted me to be "exotic," instead of the suburban nerd that I am). Mostly, I rejected that, but when you haven't been touched in years, sometimes you settle for a few months, about my limit. I'm not the type of woman who can date someone she doesn't like long term, just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I'll give it an honest go, but generally my gut is right about whether we would get along, have things in common, etc. One thing I notice is that women friends encouraged me to settle, while male friends were of the attitude of "Screw that! You deserve the best."

 

I have a platonic friend of almost 20 years and suddenly I am not seeing him that way anymore. I've lived far away for most of that time, so we didn't spend any time together until the past few months. I almost always assumed I was in the friendzone with most guy friends. I'm in the strange position of being told I'm beautiful almost everyday now (and to the person who made the Precious comment, I am about her size, but proportionate/curvy and mixed race, although most Americans presume I'm 150% black)...not something I experienced in my 20s, outside of one older male friend. In fact, for most of the last 10 years, I was around mostly people who made a point of letting me know they found me repulsive and not worthy of basic human respect (thankfully, in a better place with less narrow-minded people now!) I guess some of us are late bloomers. Another strange thing is that people tend to think I'm about 15 years younger than I am. I get carded a lot and I'm double the legal age. That was one of the first things he said to me, that I looked young, hadn't changed at all and he just stared with his mouth open for a while.

 

There are times my friend seems nervous around me and others when he teases and flirts in a way that is reminiscent of men I've dated. But, because I've known him so long, I find it hard to read and I'm not good at reading interest in the first place. In this respect, men who aren't very smart are easy to read, they don't sidle up like they want to be a friend--they get right to the point. I appreciate what you said about people rushing into dating/sex...what is a good amount of time to feel out the interest and proceed? I find that, either men are trying to get me locked down as a gf in 2-3 dates, or avoiding it for waaaaay too long.

 

We have spent a few evenings together over the last 2 months. No actual dates. He has offered to do boyfriend type chores for me and he's also introduced me to his close friends and his mom (and they've all indicated he speaks about me a lot). He's confided in me quite a bit (about personal problems and men in the perimeter of his circle that he doesn't like/trust/think are good guys). At his birthday party a few weeks ago, he stroked my hair, had his hand around my waist for a while and spent most of the night next to or alone with me. His best friend pulled me aside and told me I am one of the closest friends he has and that he has talked about me a lot over the years. I didn't think we were that close until recently. So there seemed to be some good signs. The last time I saw him, he invited me over for dinner (and cleared the menu with me), and I noticed that his hips and feet were pointed at me and some other subconscious signs of interest. I cautioned him before he finished a comment about women who wear their hair short (I did for 8 years) and he responded by saying, "No one would mistake YOU for a man." There have also been some sly comments about my boobs, such as when I mentioned having big feet, he responded that "Men don't stare at your feet."

 

But the past few weeks, he has cancelled some plans and we haven't seen each other much. Seems odd to me, since it felt like we grew a little closer with all the talk and touch on his birthday. I am not sure if this is guy freak out, rejection, or if he felt rejected by me. My ex described me as "cold" because I slapped his hand away when he pinched my nipple (it hurt!) mid-sentence. Other men I would consider my type have often said I am hard to read and they didn't know how to ask me out. I haven't had much opportunity to introduce him to my social circle or family, so I don't know if he feels like he extended himself and I haven't done the same.

 

Normally, if it's a guy I'm dating (as in, just getting to know), there is little confusion about whether they are interested, since we have no other reason to be together. With friends, I am unsure. Many men from my past have told me, after it was far too late, "You know I liked you in high school/college, but I couldn't read you, wasn't sure you were interested..." He himself has never doubted that men I've asked him about were interested and he's been frustrated when they did stupid stuff. Yes, he used to be that friend I went to for guy advice and now he's the guy I seek advice about!