Platonic male friends

[SuperGeek]

Why do you care what they think? I'm sure some of my platonic female friends view me as their brother and so what? I'm secure in myself to know that what they think in this regard just doesn't matter as I'm not expecting any type of sexual relationship with them.

 

That's the situation that I'll never allow myself to get in. I can be friends with women, but at no point do I want them to consider me "one of the girls" or "like a brother". That's the equivalent of castration because they stop looking at you as a man.

[grkBoy]

My 2 best female friends are moving away and I am increasingly left with single male friends (that I am not into romantically).

 

Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that my single male friends fall into 2 groups:

 

1. those that want to sleep with me and date me

2. those that want to sleep with me and be FWB

 

Sigh. It seems that desiring to sleep with me is motivating them to initiate hang outs, rather than the genuine friendship.

 

Depressing

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

Now you at least then can see why I speak poorly of the idea of "friends first" and still view friendship as the death sentence on the person ever being more.

 

It's not that I want it that way, but American society still has a hangup on regarding friends of the opposite sex as potential mates...so I can only believe when I'm friendzoned, my only options are:

 

1. Politely decline and walk
   
2. Toss any idea of the woman being my girlfriend in the trash and just be her friend.
   

 

I think most guys need to stop letting lust rule their lives. That and stop looking at the idea of a female friend (and nothing more) as some mark of "loser". I know when I used to hang out with gal pals, my male peers viewed me as a loser who couldn't "seal the deal" and thus was always friendzoned. I will say it hit me in the self-esteem...thus I wouldn't hang out with gal pals at bars and such unless it's a mixed group.

 

I know the only difficulty some female friends have found is when they suddenly change their minds. Suddenly they think I could have been Mr Right, but now I won't touch them. Most of the reason is I've seen too much of them, their bad choices in men and life, and now see them as unattractive...despite that they're physically beautiful.

 

ES, I wish I could tell you that you'll meet more rational males like myself, but unfortunately my gender is still ruled by testosterone and too many still think they can move "friends" to "more". My female friends now complain the way you are...guy friends suddenly becoming jerks when they truly figured out they had no shot.

 

I would tell you to clean house. Stop hanging out with the guys you know aren't real friends and hang with the ones who are. The ones offhand who might see your faults and thus would not want to date you or sleep with you.

 

I know this sounds bad, but it's not. You need guy friends who can turn the lust off and move on. Not guys who still think "seal the deal" is the most important achievement in life.

[grkBoy]

Thanks KimberlyDoll

 

I just wish more women would stop using that term "friends" in regards to dating. That they put the message that guy friends have no shot at sex or dating or anything, and use the term "take it slow" with those guys they want to do "friends first" with.

 

Unless we're going to totally change society where long solid friendships become loving relationships, the message has to go out to men to either be her friend or don't do anything with her. That the guy will never get "more" out of her as "just a friend".

 

Again...I wish it wasn't that way, but I can only go based on what life has taught me. I will say it's made it easier to have gal pals.

[Noproblem]

I really hate this, I mean I always love them as friends, but in the end they come and screw it by falling for me or wanting more which is completely selfish!

[somedude81]

I really hate this, I mean I always love them as friends, but in the end they come and screw it by falling for me or wanting more which is completely selfish!

It's selfish when a guy falls for you?!

 

Maybe you should join a convent.

[StanMusial]

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

Now you at least then can see why I speak poorly of the idea of "friends first" and still view friendship as the death sentence on the person ever being more.

 

It's not that I want it that way, but American society still has a hangup on regarding friends of the opposite sex as potential mates...so I can only believe when I'm friendzoned, my only options are:

 

1. Politely decline and walk
   
2. Toss any idea of the woman being my girlfriend in the trash and just be her friend.
   

 

I think most guys need to stop letting lust rule their lives. That and stop looking at the idea of a female friend (and nothing more) as some mark of "loser". I know when I used to hang out with gal pals, my male peers viewed me as a loser who couldn't "seal the deal" and thus was always friendzoned. I will say it hit me in the self-esteem...thus I wouldn't hang out with gal pals at bars and such unless it's a mixed group.

 

I know the only difficulty some female friends have found is when they suddenly change their minds. Suddenly they think I could have been Mr Right, but now I won't touch them. Most of the reason is I've seen too much of them, their bad choices in men and life, and now see them as unattractive...despite that they're physically beautiful.

 

ES, I wish I could tell you that you'll meet more rational males like myself, but unfortunately my gender is still ruled by testosterone and too many still think they can move "friends" to "more". My female friends now complain the way you are...guy friends suddenly becoming jerks when they truly figured out they had no shot.

 

I would tell you to clean house. Stop hanging out with the guys you know aren't real friends and hang with the ones who are. The ones offhand who might see your faults and thus would not want to date you or sleep with you.

 

I know this sounds bad, but it's not. You need guy friends who can turn the lust off and move on. Not guys who still think "seal the deal" is the most important achievement in life.

 

This is very true - I have a good female friend that has been around quite a bit and I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. She's the one who told me that almost all of her friends had some sort of STD. Lol.

 

She means well but she gives up the sex way too easy, then flies apart when the guy ditches her. Kind of like half the posters on LS. She didn't speak to me for a long time because I told her she was easy but she eventually agreed. Anyway the point is she gives me good honest female advice and I dish it right back. I wouldn't want to lose that.

[Noproblem]

It's selfish when a guy falls for you?!

 

Maybe you should join a convent.

 

Yeah, it's selfish to declare those feelings specially when they know I'm not interested, and they know this would ruin our good and long friendships

 

Life is not hey fall in love or go to convent....There are many type of people, who want different things from life.....

 

Maybe you should go to live in heaven then, if you are that concerned with love, peace and these kind of stuffs! In case there is a heaven in the first place!!!!!

[grkBoy]

This is very true - I have a good female friend that has been around quite a bit and I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. She's the one who told me that almost all of her friends had some sort of STD. Lol.

 

She means well but she gives up the sex way too easy, then flies apart when the guy ditches her. Kind of like half the posters on LS. She didn't speak to me for a long time because I told her she was easy but she eventually agreed. Anyway the point is she gives me good honest female advice and I dish it right back. I wouldn't want to lose that.

 

Sometimes one needs to see who the person really is...as opposed to what they think this person can be to them. It's why I look back on a lot of the rejections and see they were bullets dodged.

 

This goes for men and women.

[StanMusial]

Tell me Stan gorilla man, are you easy?

 

No, I'm not, so stop trying to seduce me with your charming and magical ways.

[StanMusial]

Sometimes one needs to see who the person really is...as opposed to what they think this person can be to them. It's why I look back on a lot of the rejections and see they were bullets dodged.

 

This goes for men and women.

 

Well I dodged some and some winged me. The sting helps you learn the lesson.

[SJC2008]

I don't do friends with females. Guys in the fz are emotional tampons used for free therapy and it aint gonna be me.

[SJC2008]

Attraction for men is physical attraction. Men do not become attracted to your personality the way women do, sorry.

 

Date a man that you have zero physical attraction for so everyone on this forum doesn't call you a hypocrite. I bet every man you've dated it is better looking than me even though you called them average. I'll put money on it. We can make our own thread and post pics of me and your exes and let the members judge. You down?

[xxoo]

I don't do friends with females. Guys in the fz are emotional tampons used for free therapy and it aint gonna be me.

 

Don't you ever need emotional support? Do your male friends ever lean on you for emotional support?

 

True friends support each other.

[grkBoy]

Attraction for men is physical attraction. Men do not become attracted to your personality the way women do, sorry.

 

I don't fully agree.

 

I will agree in that I could not 100% become attracted to a woman on personality alone...but I also feel women cannot do the same.

 

However, I would say that in my chats with women on these message boards over the years, I've found them quite attractive on personality. When I saw the picture I then even more wished they lived in my area or wanted to even attempt traveling to meet them in person.

 

A pretty face, nice butt and rack, etc...doesn't do it for me alone. When she's got a brain and heart added in...I'm hooked.

[jcrew11]

The funny thing about opposite sex relationships is that men on this forum say alot that men become friends with women they only find attractive, at least initially, while women can befriend men they arent into that way. This is because again, looks are the utmost importance to men and the driving factor behind most of their behavior, while women are more likely to value other traits they get from a friendship.

 

Yet these same men say there is nothing wrong with them having alot of female friends, but if a male has a ton of female friends and a gf doesnt like it she is just "insecure"

 

Men are not really rational. So its better for a man to have female friends, when they admit they pick them based on attraction, than a woman to have male friends (which they pick for other reasons)....which one is worse?

 

Im not saying I agree with anything I just said...but they really contradict themselves and dig themselves in a hole sometimes

 

I think it depends on how much time you are spending with these "friends" and why are you spending time with them. What is the friendship based on? Are they work friends, professional friends, D&D friends, etc. If they are just drinking buddies, then that can blur the lines since drinking leads to uninhibitied behavior such as trying to hook up with someone. If they are old chums from the neighborhood, then there is more trust involved.

[somedude81]

Yeah, it's selfish to declare those feelings specially when they know I'm not interested, and they know this would ruin our good and long friendships

And you don't think you sound selfish at all?

 

Why should you get what you want by keeping everything the way it was?

[grkBoy]

And you don't think you sound selfish at all?

 

Why should you get what you want by keeping everything the way it was?

 

I think it's only selfish if the man or woman who isn't into the other person makes it clear in the beginning. I also think the person in lust should have a little foresight and common sense to know if someone is remotely interested or not.

 

Big problem is too many subscribe to the fairy tale that they can "convert this person" or hope this person will "come around".

 

I think if a man takes a shot at a girl, gets to know her a little, and can see she isn't into him in a dating sense, he should either be a friend only or walk. Personally, he should simply ask her out and let her say "let's just be friends" so he's got his answer.

 

Again though, it leads back to the "big problem" I just mentioned. He'll stick around hoping things will change. This is no better than when a girl is really into a guy, but he won't date or commit. So she starts sleeping with him as a FB, hoping he'll "come around".

 

Selfish is when the man or woman knew where things stood, but wouldn't let the lust go, and now drama is created because of it. When a guy contemplates going to "just friends", I ask him if he could handle seeing her with another guy. If the answer is "no", then he should cut ties and move on.

[SJC2008]

Don't you ever need emotional support? Do your male friends ever lean on you for emotional support?

 

True friends support each other.

 

Yeah I need emotional support from time to time. I can tell my best friend everything (male). We've talked about our upbringing and our family problems as we come from similar families with a controlling mother and passive father. I can tell him anything but he doesn't really talk to me about his problems. I guess he's closed off but he knows he can tell me anything.

[xxoo]

Yeah I need emotional support from time to time. I can tell my best friend everything (male). We've talked about our upbringing and our family problems as we come from similar families with a controlling mother and passive father. I can tell him anything but he doesn't really talk to me about his problems. I guess he's closed off but he knows he can tell me anything.

 

Does that make him your emotional tampon? Or a friend?

 

Why isn't the same kind of friendship possible between a man and woman?

[Ashlyn]

starting to realize this is very true. i have some really close guy friends but things always seems to get to an awkward stage. i just want to have cool friends of both sexes that i dont sleep with. i guess this is too much to ask for

[RedRobin]

One thing, ES, is only hang out with men who are looking for serious relationships... have other female friends... and ideally, have sisters.

 

IME, these are men who can acknowledge sexual attraction and have fun with it, but won't cross the line because they know it will go nowhere (you aren't compatible for a relationship) and they respect women.

 

the key thing is to avoid men who have lots of casual sex or poor values. These guys will f anything and just see you as a challenge. Not as a friend who just happens to be attractive.

[RedRobin]

Are you the one that tried going on dating sites to "find friends"?

 

I think maybe instead of making male friends you collect orbiters. I have met this type and I even dated one briefly. The type that "befriends" guys by making sexual jokes and comments, typically wildly inappropriate behavior and craving for attention.

 

I'm on a social networking site that happens to include dating amongst its other goals... (let's get it straight)

 

I do not have inappropriate sexual discussions with my male friends. But I'm also not a stick in the mud either. There is a balance.

[RedRobin]

Thanks KimberlyDoll

 

I just wish more women would stop using that term "friends" in regards to dating. That they put the message that guy friends have no shot at sex or dating or anything, and use the term "take it slow" with those guys they want to do "friends first" with.

 

Unless we're going to totally change society where long solid friendships become loving relationships, the message has to go out to men to either be her friend or don't do anything with her. That the guy will never get "more" out of her as "just a friend".

 

Again...I wish it wasn't that way, but I can only go based on what life has taught me. I will say it's made it easier to have gal pals.

 

You're right. Let's come up with another term for people who need to get to know someone before jumping in the sack.

 

Me personally... I'm tired of getting constant pressure from a guy I actually LIKE and see romantic potential with to make a go/no-go decision in the matter of a few weeks. That dating treadmill I'm OFF of, for sure. F-ing strangers as a way to 'get to know' someone. No thanks.

 

When faced with that decision, it has always been "alright... NO then". We're just friends... go find someone else to f*ck if you are that concerned about it. Even if I started out being interested in him.

[RedRobin]

Men like me, right?

 

Yes, men like you I'd avoid for friendship or anything else.

 

Might be fun to chat up at a party though...

 

OTOH... I'd make sure to avoid having my picture taken with you. Wouldn't want anyone to think I was someone else you were f-ing...

 

Not like you would necessarily lie about something like that... but I know some party boys who do. Any women they associate with are automatically deemed as someone the guy f-ed before. If he has that rep, I don't even associate with them.

 

Sorry.

[grkBoy]

You're right. Let's come up with another term for people who need to get to know someone before jumping in the sack.

 

Me personally... I'm tired of getting constant pressure from a guy I actually LIKE and see romantic potential with to make a go/no-go decision in the matter of a few weeks. That dating treadmill I'm OFF of, for sure. F-ing strangers as a way to 'get to know' someone. No thanks.

 

When faced with that decision, it has always been "alright... NO then". We're just friends... go find someone else to f*ck if you are that concerned about it. Even if I started out being interested in him.

 

Yeah...I think guys should stop putting so much pressure on themselves and women to "seal the deal as quickly as possible". As I've stated, many guys insecurely try to get the girl into bed fast, hoping an orgasm will make her grow attached.

 

I think as long as the girl is showing signs that this guy can be the boyfriend, despite that she's not going to go to bed by date 3, then he should have a little brainpower to perhaps wait and see.

 

I know some guys then complain how they went on 6 dates with a girl, paid for everything, no nookie, and then feel used...but again, it comes down to good judgement. Too often they were friendzoned, could have seen it, but chose to deny it.

 

I dunno...when I knew a girl was into me, she showed it in dates. Wasn't even about physical intimacy, but her body language and such. When she dolled herself up for me, was attentive, treated me like a boyfriend and not just some guy friend.

 

We unfortunately live in an instant gratification age where everyone wants it all now.