Girlfriend Works With Her Long Distance Ex - He Calls Occasionally

[billybadass36]

Okay, so I've been dating my girlfriend for like 6 months now. For the most part it's been great. A little bit of back story would suffice. She's a stylist, and she works on the side for a company that makes a line of hair care products as a product educator...essentially travelling to area salons and training their people on the good things about their product. She does this like once a month. Additionally she is on the artistic team which means that she goes to major hair shows in the midwest (for the most part) to help in the hair show stuff, ie, model calls, etc.

 

Well, her most recent ex she met while doing work for this outfit, and she may from time to time come into contact with him (maybe once or twice a year) while out of town at one or more of these shows or a sales meeting or something. This guy's older and owns his own salon. (I'm an attorney that met my GF at her salon...I was a VERY GOOD client of hers). Anyway, they were broken up for like 5 months when she started dating me, and we've been together like 6 months. So she's been broken up with this guy for like almost a year. They were together (long distance) for like a year and a half. My problem: He still calls her like once a week...maybe less. Now, call me cynical, but I'm a guy, and I did the "calling the exgirlfriend" bit in the past. She broke it off with him, so while they have mutual interests in their professional lives, I think it's a good bet that he's trying to maintain a relationship with her "just in case". I'm not worried about this guy being "better" nor do I think my GF would cheat on me with him. We're VERY serious about our relationship and spend every spare moment with each other. We're very happy.

 

What do I do about the ex calling her? I explained to her how it made me feel, and I told her that I'd like it to stop because it appears that she's keeping the lines of communication open "just in case" or for some other reason. Whatever. Well, Saturday night at like 10:30 her phone rings. She goes to it and puts the call right into voicemail saying, "That was my mom. I don't feel like talking to her." Well, the following morning, out of curiosity, I checked her call log, and it was her ex. Well, I'm sort of pissed that she lied to me about it, but I realize that we were in the middle of watching a movie and I don't think she wanted me to get all worked up at that point. So, what am I to do? Yeah, I snooped in her phone...big deal. I don't think a call log is that private. I also don't think it's asking too much for her not to talk to her ex-boyfriend who seriously doesn't hold a candle to me. Whatever. Any advice is appreciated. Oh, and we really do spend pretty much of our spare time together...I might as well have moved into her place because I've stayed there every night she's been in town for the past two months...so I'm not worried that there's an ongoing phone-affair going on because I would have certainly known about it. It's just that he continues to call, knowing she's got a new boyfriend. I think I know what his motives are, but I think she's just not the type to say, "Hey, you're making my boyfriend feel $hitty, so please stop calling me." Any thoughts? Am I being naive? Controlling? Overly-jealous?

[tiki]

For what reason exactly is he calling?

[Butchey]

Just call the guy and let him know you are the new boyfrined. Don't threaten him, just speak your mind and hear him out. If he wants her he'll reveal it by hanging up or telling you. Who knows, you may end up with another friend.

[billybadass36]

He calls her to (ostensibly anyway) chit-chat about goings on at work. Anyway, I moved this to the "Jealousy" forum.

[tiki]

Answer her phone. Or just be honest with her about your feelings.

[savethedrama4allama]

Man...all I can say is that I've been through almost the exact same thing recently, and I feel for you. I'm too closely involved to offer any more.

I don't care if you aren't a huggy kissy type of person, hugs and kisses to you anyway.

 

-Savethedrama4yrmama

[billybadass36]

Well, we have the absolutely best relationship I've ever been in but for this one little thing that tees me off. I can't help but think when she's out of town for her shows (like one weekend a month) that this guy's gonna be there trying to slide back in there. She does know that I'm concerned about the situation and goes out of her way to call me A LOT when she's out of town. Still irks me that she didn't tell me when he called this last time. How to bring it up without her getting pi$$ed that I was looking at her call log? Hmmmm? That I'll save for another day... I found a pretty good article about this situation that pretty much says, "When you're dating someone, do NOT talk to the ex. Period." I printed it off, and I'll just sort of slide it in her purse sometime with a little note saying, "Came across this and thought it made sense. We haven't really resolved this situation yet...thoughts?" Bad idea?

[tiki]

I say if you're going to confront her...do it now rather than later. Don't wait until the two of you are in an argument to bring it up. She owes you an explanation now, not later.

[billybadass36]

I'm not going to "confront" her. That sounds too "soap opera"-ish. I think I'll just casually ask her if she'd heard from him lately or if she'd had the chit chat about how she doesn't think he should be calling her anymore. I do know that when we first were going out, this ex-bf of hers was calling saying, "I still have feelings for you....I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else...blah blah blah". Very annoying, but I could deal with it b/c he's like 700 miles away and not a real threat. Now, however, six months into our relationship, I think I'm entitled to a little more consideration. Right? I'm not out in left field on this am I?

[savethedrama4allama]

Entitlement is a tricky notion...but yes I think you are entitled to voice your concerns and you are entitled to have her listen to them and work with you for a compromise.

 

I would never be willing to let an ex jeopardize my relationship with the person I love. If she doesn't start being honest and cut him off (as completely as she can given her work situation) then you may want to re-evaluate your relationship. She may not deem it as important as you do.

[JoL]

I can understand that you're upset about him calling all the time. If it was a very ocassional thing, say once a month then perhaps it would be a little easier to tolerate.

 

I am a believer that ex's can be on good terms, but it's always a lot harder to be real friends..and it seems like this guy wants to make his presence noted to your girlfriend, as you said, 'just in case'.

 

Just be honest with her. Ask her how she would feel if you were constantly on the phone to your ex? I'm sure it wouldn't make her too happy! An ocassional conversation or contact isn't a big deal, but if it's quite often and upseting you then i'd say you have a right to bring it up (without being mean or nasty about it).

 

Just make sure you calmly outline the reasons you feel the way you do, don't get nasty or lay blame. Just be frank and honest.

[billybadass36]

Or I can just drive to Massachusetts and wring his little neck...just kididng. I'll probably bring it up sometime this weekend...we'll see.

[Mary3]

I think that you trying to control her friendship with this man could *backfire* ...

 

If she has no feelings for him she will respect you and try to find a happy medium.

 

But if she does care about him ...all your pleadings will fall on deaf ears and this could effectively end your relationship with her.

 

Why ? Because ( according to an article I read the other day ) if your gf is talking about her x in a positive or negative way....then she still has feelings for him...she has not let go....

 

And because this happened to me and sadly mine was ended because I asked him to stop seeing /contacting her....so he ended * us * instead....