Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I guess the title says it all. I am the classic naive guy who thought everything was great. Great wife, great family, great sex life… you know the drill.

 

I just found out that I am the laughing stock of our area. While I am out working hard to provide my wife is home playing housemaker….and slut.

 

The next door neighbor, her trainer, two of her best friends husbands, one of our kids teachers, heck it might be easier to list the ones she hasn’t slept with.

 

I’ve left, moved out, my life in tatters. I’m scared for my kids now this has all come out. I’m embarrassed to face my family and friends.

 

I don’t even know why. She herself says everything was great. Well I do know a reason if you can call it that, she says she just likes variety. Well that’s just great, 19 years of marriage, 4 wonderful kids, a bright future all gone in a flash.

 

I’ll give her credit though, once caught she didn’t try and hide it, she didn’t spare my feelings, she told me it all. Well I hope all, I couldn’t take any more. Ten years this has been going on, ten years I have been a fool, ten years some of these people have been friends and looked me in the eye every day.

 

So what do I do now? Living in a hotel, being a recluse, no friends, no one I can trust. She has the kids, she’ll get the house, she’ll get part of my paycheck and she’ll keep being a slut. I did nothing wrong and I lose everything!

 

It just doesn’t pay to be the nice guy. I mean over the years I’ve had opportunities but always knocked them back because I was a loving, caring, trustworthy guy. And while I’m away on a business trip knocking back advances from my secretary she’s at home ****ing any one of a dozen people. What sort of a fool was I?

 

So first I get tested for diseases from the dirty slut. Then a paternity test for all the kids. Then fight tooth and nail to keep whatever I can from her.

 

Anything else?

[NotCamelot]

Yes, move back and throw her out. Seek custody, they are yours regardless of DNA.

 

Get the best family law attorney you can find. Take as much away from her as you can.......even if you have to bring her sex partners into court to do it.

 

If everything you say is true, she deserves nothing.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

There's no need to tell family as it all blew up at a family function when one of her conquests was there. He didn't know she was married, confronted her and I'm sure you can fill in the rest.

 

I have every intention of fighting but I fear my case is a lost cause. Traditionally the mother gets the kids, she is home, I work and travel for work a lot. If she gets the kids it follows that she gets the house and I'll end up paying in some form for the kids. I have no issue with paying for them as long as it goes to them.

 

The kids range from 9-15. My 15yo daughter has already expressed disgust at her mother and wants to come with me wherever I end up.

 

I taken leave from work. None of my family or friends know where I am. I just want time to myself for a while. I honestly did not see this coming.

 

And although not my concern she has ruined so many other relationships. TWO of her friends husbands! I mean really, what a piece of trash.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Act Two]

I agree with the others. Why should you move out? It's your house. She can move.

 

Fight for 50/50 custody too. Don't give up your kids.

[NotCamelot]

AND......the people you thought were friends that still looked you in the after screwing your wife need to be removed from your friends list. Those guys are NOT your friends at all.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Jack........We all know whats traditional.......in your case......most people would view your W as an unfit mother.....Im sure a good lawyer can make that case.

 

Blondie

 

Well let's hope so.

 

I have worked a job I hate because it pays incredibly well just so my wife could stay home with the kids. I missed out on so much with the kids when away on business trips. I don't think I have ever hated anyone as much as I hate her right now.

 

Get the kids, get a job I like, find who my true friends are and try to start again.

 

What advice do we have regarding finding out details? I keep tossing and turning between wanting to know everything for closure and just walking away and never speaking another word to her again.

[NotCamelot]

Don't assume anything regarding the law, especially family law. The 15 year can, in most states, decide where she wants to be, with the courts approval.

 

I am very sorry for what you are going through. Those of us that have been damaged by infidelity can certainly understand. Though, I must say, your case sounds pretty extreme.

 

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS...on you and your kids. Fight for everything. Your wife had no regard for your feelings at all and proof of that is the way that she told you about her bed partners as if it were nothing.

 

In most cases I would not say this but, don't hold back, hit her hard. If any wayward spouse deserves it, she does!

[Spark1111]

Get back Jack!

 

Go home, talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.

 

Get your children and yourself to counseling! Ensure them of a smooth transition towards divorce.

 

Get tested and inform all the other BS in your scenario. Enlist friends and family for support.

 

Start taking power and control back of your life. You've already been victimized enough, don't cha think?

 

Now is not the time to hide and lie down without a fight, although I understand it.

 

Keep exposing the affairs so the other BS can get tested for STDs also.

 

Your wife may actually wind up leaving. wouldn't that be a good thing?

 

what makes you think she will stop craving variety now? she won't.

 

get some safeguards in place, like no men sleepover when she has custody of the kids.

 

You have a lot of work to do. Get back Jack and get busy. Today.

[stillafool]

You need to keep the house and the kids. She needs to move on. Don't make it easy for her as you have in the past. If she has so much time on her hands to screw everything walking then she can get a dang job. I wouldn't care if she had to get a factory worker job, just go to work. Don't give her anymore cash. If the kids need something take them and buy it for them. Do not give your spouse anymore money. If they need groceries go to the store and buy them. Let her realize what it is going to be like now that she has f---ked it up. If she wants cold hard cash make her work for it or ask one of her f--k mates.

 

Please do not cave and go back to her because if you forgive her for this she will never respect you. Demand respect.

[Spark1111]

Well let's hope so.

 

I have worked a job I hate because it pays incredibly well just so my wife could stay home with the kids. I missed out on so much with the kids when away on business trips. I don't think I have ever hated anyone as much as I hate her right now.

 

Get the kids, get a job I like, find who my true friends are and try to start again.

 

What advice do we have regarding finding out details? I keep tossing and turning between wanting to know everything for closure and just walking away and never speaking another word to her again.

 

I would call up the BSs and ask to meet with them and their spouses as soon as possible.

 

But you have to be calm and in total control of your emotions to pull this off. Ask to meet publicly. tell them of the others and encourage all to get STD testing.

 

Do you live in a no fault state?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Get your children and yourself to counseling! Ensure them of a smooth transition towards divorce.

 

All this will come. It's just very raw at the moment.

 

I am still too angry to think about anything.

 

Even yesterday when I went to buy some bread and milk I probably scared the hell out of the shop owner. I just imagined he could be another one I don't know about.

 

I have got an appointment with a leading divorce lawyer on Monday. He handled my brothers divorce (another cheating spouse, mist run in the family). She walked away empty handed so I guess he's good. My wife does not have her own money so she wont be able to afford one unless I am forced to finance that.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Do you live in a no fault state?

 

I live in Australia. And yes it is no fault divorce here.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I personally did not want all the details of how he had sex with someone.

 

I dont want the details of the sex. What I want is the who, the when and the how many times.

 

I just need to know how many of my so called friends drank a beer with me or went fishing with me knowing that they had been screwing my wife for however long. I want to be able to gauge how much of an prick they really are.

 

At this stage it seems only one friend and not a really close one but right now I am doubting everyone.

[NotCamelot]

Also, immediately remove any access she has to bank accounts, credit cards, etc. If she has a cell phone that is on your account, kill that as well.

 

She will very soon know how badly she screwed up. But, again I usually would not say this, but do not take her back when the begging starts. It's funny how the lack of money and enabling will cause her to want to "fix" things. It is much too late for that.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Also, immediately remove any access she has to bank accounts, credit cards, etc. If she has a cell phone that is on your account, kill that as well.

 

Yes, good idea. Thanks

 

Her phone is on her own account but all the cards/accounts are in mine. I will stop access and send over groceries and pay all utilities but give no cash.

[Art_Critic]

Yes, good idea. Thanks

 

Her phone is on her own account but all the cards/accounts are in mine. I will stop access and send over groceries and pay all utilities but give no cash.

 

Before you do this please seek legal advice and retain an attorney.

Since you are the provider a change it that may not look good in the judges eyes and come back to haunt you later.

Changing the locks and kicking her out without a legal agreement in place or a judges order can complicate things and backlash onto you.

Since the home is the marital residence she has a right to it as much as you do, no matter whose name is on the loan/deed and it needs to be agreed to or in writing/judges order to who lives in the home.

 

Your wife sounds like she is a mess, protect yourself by retaining an attorney and doing what he/she suggests to protect yourself and your assets.

[Minnie09]

I don't know about Australia, but if it's no fault I don't think much can be done about custody. They'll probably go for shared parenting in any case, just like here in the US, unless you really want to build a huge case, which is going to be expensive and lengthy. And you will need witnesses and such....I don't know. Maybe you can get reduced alimony if you're lucky. Also, he travels a lot for business, and it's important that the kids have a stable home after a D. So it's going to better to just focus on that, and to make sure that they are okay.*

 

I agree.....move back to the house. But I also understand that after such bad news - like those you just found out about - you might not even want to be there anymore. And that's ok. Find yourself your own place and start over fresh. She won't be able to afford that house anyways. She'll have to sell it, with or without spousal support, with or without a job. Getting back to work after so many years at home is hard, and she won't find a job right away that pays her a great salary.

 

As far as closure is concerned. Don't expect it from her. She'll twist the facts no matter what. You think she came clean right away....I doubt it. You'll never know the FULL truth. You can start snooping though.....e-mail, phone, phone records, ...... And I don't think your real friends were involved. That would just be too much. They might have known or heard rumors (if her behavior really was that outrageous), and that's already scandalous enough.....I mean, knowing things and not telling you, that's just plain wrong, but don't get paranoid and accuse everybody in your inner circle. Yes, she's a bad wife, she took advantage of you, but not everybody would do that to you. It takes a special type of (****ty) character to act that way. You can ask them if they knew though. Maybe you can find out more through them.*

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm especially sorry for your kids. Be strong and accept all the help you can possibly get!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

You can ask them if they knew though. Maybe you can find out more through them.

 

I am actually meeting my sister-in-law (her sister) tomorrow. We have a great relationship and I briefly spoke on the phone today with her and she is really upset by all this, she wouldn't stop crying.

 

I don't know what she wants or whether she has any information but theres only one way to find out.

[waterwoman]

Sorry to read this jack. You'll get loads of advice here. Good luck x

[Furious]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

The shock is tremendous and your mind will be swirling until it all sinks in.

 

First things first, try to be logical and make sure you kids are taken care of.

Get counselling for you and your family.

 

See your lawyer, get the information you need.

 

I would also suggest you change your will if you have one, and also if you have a life insurance policy you should take your wife off it as the beneficiary if that is the case.

 

Try to exercise to relieve the stress, try to eat healthy and stay away from alcohol. See your doctor and lean on your close family members for support.

 

Take things one day at a time and be good to yourself.

[Art_Critic]

I would also suggest you change your will if you have one, and also if you have a life insurance policy you should take your wife off it as the beneficiary if that is the case.

 

Only under the advice of an attorney would I do that, since there are children and life insurance is still rightfully hers until a divorce is final.

 

Making any maneuvers that could be considered bitter or spiteful would only work against him in the case of a divorce, the judge would not see that as a move for the good.. he wants to highlight her infidelity not draw attention to a spiteful move made on his part.

[Furious]

Only under the advice of an attorney would I do that, since there are children and life insurance is still rightfully hers until a divorce is final.

 

Making any maneuvers that could be considered bitter or spiteful would only work against him in the case of a divorce, the judge would not see that as a move for the good.. he wants to highlight her infidelity not draw attention to a spiteful move made on his part.

 

I saw my lawyer, and it's not illegal to change the beneficiary of a will or life insurance before a divorce. My children were made my beneficiary and I appointed a trustee for them until they were of age to inherit.

 

The last thing I wanted was to end up in accident before a finalized divorce and my husband to legally inherit my estate.

 

Of course a lawyer must be consulted but I don't see this as spiteful but just protecting yourself.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. This is the worst story I have ever read. I am glad that you will be doing paternity testing. I am surprised that she was doing this for 10 years in your home and the children never caught her or nobody ever told you. Your wife is a very very sick person. I think a good lawyer will destroy her. Good luck.

[dichotomy]

So very sorry. This sounds like the worst.

 

Lots of good advice. I would agree - move back home and make her miserable. Get angry and get even. Get that great lawyer, summon her lovers to testify on her mental fitness to be a parent. Get a warrant for her email and phone records... go for the throat.

 

 

Ya - paternity testing, that's even worse for you and the kids. I can't imagine if one turns out not to be yours.

Edited April 3, 2013 by dichotomy

[whichwayisup]

So what do I do now? Living in a hotel, being a recluse, no friends, no one I can trust. She has the kids, she’ll get the house, she’ll get part of my paycheck and she’ll keep being a slut. I did nothing wrong and I lose everything!

 

Who says?

 

SHE should have moved out, not you! Joint custody, k. Get a good lawyer NOW and protect yourself and your kids. No way should she get everything and you have to pay through the nose! She messed up, not you.

 

Where the heck were the kids while she was performing these bedroom activities???!!!

 

Get yourself tested for STD's. Sorry that you're going through all this.