Artie Lang Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 That's interesting. Because I have moved on a little faster than others would have liked or a little faster than what the general consensus is all of a sudden I become "one of them" that's not it at all. the thing is, the ink hasn't dried on your divorce, and now you're embroiled in an affair of your own. i'm not here to dictate every move you make, but as BetrayedH said, "there are healthier ways of moving on." it's your life, m'man. it just sounds a bit hypocritical to me, that's all. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 that's not it at all. the thing is, the ink hasn't dried on your divorce, and now you're embroiled in an affair of your own. i'm not here to dictate every move you make, but as BetrayedH said, "there are healthier ways of moving on." it's your life, m'man. it just sounds a bit hypocritical to me, that's all. I find it amazing that you can get so much support from people but when you don't conform to their way of thinking their whole attitude changes. Personally, I think that is where the hypocrisy lies. I am not embroiled in an affair... there are two single people going into a relationship with their eyes wide open. Where is the hypocrisy there? You cannot seriously be comparing my wifes affairs (while married) to my "affair" (while a single man). Definition if a Hypocrite: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings. Before you go off calling me a hypocrite again please show me how I am being a hypocrite. And please don't spin any "still married" crap, sure the bit of paper is there, but the marriage is well and truly over and both sides are well aware that is the case. I found this site valuable, but I can now see that it only is as long as you are following the path the masses dictate. As soon as you stray from that path and choose your own there is no ability for the masses to adapt and accept the chosen path. So be it, each to their own. I think it is time for me to take my leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I found this site valuable, but I can now see that it only is as long as you are following the path the masses dictate. As soon as you stray from that path and choose your own there is no ability for the masses to adapt and accept the chosen path. So be it, each to their own. I think it is time for me to take my leave. I have no opinion on your conduct from a "moral" viewpoint. The only comment I have to make is that your children must feel very blindsided as well at the moment. I have a young daughter and taking her through my separation was quite a bit more than enough to deal with. I cannot imagine starting a relationship in the middle of this hurricane. If you can, whatever. It's your life. I would just hope that your children are completely able to handle any emotional backlash that they would have from their mother's instability and then the consequent pregnancy AND THEN on top of all of it, having to timeshare their father with a fledgling relationship all in the midst of a divorce. I think that at the ages mentioned before that I would find it confusing, tumultuous and upsetting. I also think that I might later resent my father despite the obstacles and pressures that he was under for taking that path. No matter what he believed his right or status to be. Just the same as when I would be a single person, I wouldn't engage in a new relationship the week after my house burned down or my child was diagnosed with cancer. Because I know in my heart the relationships come with significant risk in and of themselves and that I wouldn't be able to emotionally invest in or assess a new partner for compatibility in any form. However I know that some have "casual" relationships. That as well might be even more confusing for the kids. She isn't "Ms. Right," she's "Ms. Right Now." There have also been a variety of opinions on here and a variety of stories. As for the masses, you are willing to reach out and take the support and opinions until you don't hear what you want. And then, it's as if those opinions and suggestions hold no validity. Maybe, maybe not. But that hardly means that there is a horde of people here looking for disciples to follow the "chosen path." Because there isn't a "chosen path" for the vast majority of posters. Hell, I've done some amazingly hypocritical things, and plenty of things that I am not proud of. However, when travelling through the jungle, warning the next guy in the unit of the tripwire he doesn't see is not a sign of lack of faith. It's a warning that comes from knowing what happens if you step into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 when travelling through the jungle, warning the next guy in the unit of the tripwire he doesn't see is not a sign of lack of faith. It's a warning that comes from knowing what happens if you step into it. Nice, but flawed, analogy. I have been warned of the tripwire. Because I choose to step over it rather than go around it or stop completely does not make my choice wrong, just different. In the end all paths have there pros and cons and all give the same result. There is no one correct path. Someone who is big and clumsy would be advised not to step over the wire whereas someone smaller and nimble could jump the wire without any incident. It seems that the correct course of action as determined is to stop, look at the wire, consider the options and walk around it to the left. If you choose right, or choose to go over there seems to be an unwillingness for many to accept that those are also valid and viable options. I understand what people are saying, I am just disappointed that there seems to be no grey area here, just black or white. Being called a hypocrite is nothing more than a dig at me, totally unwarranted, and very transparent in that is says more about the person saying it than it does about the person it was said about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I understand what people are saying, I am just disappointed that there seems to be no grey area here, just black or white. Being called a hypocrite is nothing more than a dig at me, totally unwarranted, and very transparent in that is says more about the person saying it than it does about the person it was said about. What you're doing may not be wise, but it's not immoral. Minus the paperwork, your marriage is over. Your boss knows what she's getting into. As for the opinion of the "masses", people here aren't obligated to agree with you. Neither are you obligated to agree with them. Just read the advice people give with an open mind. If you can't accept some of it, simply ignore it. Take whatever is useful to you. I think this forum is still a great resource for you. Don't abandon it because you can't deal with criticism. I know you ain't that fragile. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wifehurtheart Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) What you're doing may not be wise, but it's not immoral. Minus the paperwork, your marriage is over. Your boss knows what she's getting into. As for the opinion of the "masses", people here aren't obligated to agree with you. Neither are you obligated to agree with them. Just read the advice people give with an open mind. If you can't accept some of it, simply ignore it. Take whatever is useful to you. I think this forum is still a great resource for you. Don't abandon it because you can't deal with criticism. I know you ain't that fragile. Follow your heart and take care of yourself. Edited June 13, 2013 by wifehurtheart Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Hi Jack, I have read your thread and have to say that while you have proceeded in a very circumspect manner for the most part, it does seem to me that you made an error of judgement in the course you are now pursuing. I will not comment on the right or wrong of your choice in going in for a new relationship while you are still technically married to your STBX wife. That is neither here nor there. However your pursuing a relationship with your boss, seen in terms of work place ethics is, in my opinion, a disaster in the worst case and an inappropriate matter in the best case scenario. This is something that can boomerang on you with very unpleasant consequences for the two people involved. Also, as has been observed here on the forum often enough, rebound relationships are very rarely successful in the long term. When the relationship eventually peters out, you and your partner will be left hurt and resentful and with very bitter feelings for each other. That said I do hope for your sake that everything works out well for you and that you are able to achieve the happiness that you so strongly desire and deserve. Warm wishes to you! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 The interesting thing is - the people always searching for that grey area - seem to always be the people looking to justify bad behavior. I'd bet your wife knows that grey area well. While choosing the right path - there's no need for the "grey area". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 The only comment I have to make is that your children must feel very blindsided as well at the moment. I have a young daughter and taking her through my separation was quite a bit more than enough to deal with. I cannot imagine starting a relationship in the middle of this hurricane. If you can, whatever. It's your life. I would just hope that your children are completely able to handle any emotional backlash that they would have from their mother's instability and then the consequent pregnancy AND THEN on top of all of it, having to timeshare their father with a fledgling relationship all in the midst of a divorce. I think that at the ages mentioned before that I would find it confusing, tumultuous and upsetting. I also think that I might later resent my father despite the obstacles and pressures that he was under for taking that path. No matter what he believed his right or status to be. Just the same as when I would be a single person, I wouldn't engage in a new relationship the week after my house burned down or my child was diagnosed with cancer. Because I know in my heart the relationships come with significant risk in and of themselves and that I wouldn't be able to emotionally invest in or assess a new partner for compatibility in any form. However I know that some have "casual" relationships. That as well might be even more for the kids. She isn't "Ms. Right," she's "Ms. Right Now." I noticed that you had no response regarding your children, but rather arguing your "Stance" and continuing to debate how your stance is valid as a "single man." Which do you think is more important? Nice, but flawed, analogy. Oh, really? It seems that we are in agreement, yet the analogy is flawed. Interesting. I have been warned of the tripwire. Because I choose to step over it rather than go around it or stop completely does not make my choice wrong, just different. In the end all paths have there pros and cons and all give the same result. There is no one correct path. Someone who is big and clumsy would be advised not to step over the wire whereas someone smaller and nimble could jump the wire without any incident. It seems that the correct course of action as determined is to stop, look at the wire, consider the options and walk around it to the left. If you choose right, or choose to go over there seems to be an unwillingness for many to accept that those are also valid and viable options. I understand what people are saying, I am just disappointed that there seems to be no grey area here, just black or white. Being called a hypocrite is nothing more than a dig at me, totally unwarranted, and very transparent in that is says more about the person saying it than it does about the person it was said about. But that hardly means that there is a horde of people here looking for disciples to follow the "chosen path." Because there isn't a "chosen path" for the vast majority of posters. Hell, I've done some amazingly hypocritical things, and plenty of things that I am not proud of. However, when travelling through the jungle, warning the next guy in the unit of the tripwire he doesn't see is not a sign of lack of faith. It's a warning that comes from knowing what happens if you step into it. So, basically, don't warn Mr. Small and Nimble about an impeding trip-wire or you are a hypocrite. Wait, what? You can debate the righteousness of your cause and make it your hill to die on or what have you. Others here will follow you down that path and argue with you all of the way to the end of the thread. I don't care half of a crap about that. I am simply wondering what long-term results you are creating for the children of your family unit that is splitting apart. But frankly, it seems that you are more concerned with justifying your "given right" to pursue whomever you please now that you consider your marriage to be over. Frankly, focusing on results rather than "philosophy" might provide you with a better focus. My personal take, having been in your shoes (wife of a multiple cheater) I think that you need the validation as a relational (perhaps sexual) being and this new relationship fills the shoes that your wife tore and you tossed away. You are too busy trying to fill a need for yourself to focus on the pain that comes with your situation. That may very well (I would say almost certainly) be affected your judgment on how you deal with the fallout AND set yourself up for a much more difficult situation up the road. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Drifter, I'm pretty sure he mentioned a page or two back that she was aware that he is dating. He already got jumped on and clarified. I can't find the post that said she is aware he is dating. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I can't find the post that said she is aware he is dating. It's in post #268 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I find it amazing that you can get so much support from people but when you don't conform to their way of thinking their whole attitude changes. Personally, I think that is where the hypocrisy lies. The point is, jack, that we've been reading stories just like your for years, maybe decades, and we know when certain decisions are likely to end in disaster, having seen it happen time after time after time. Jumping to another woman just because you 'leaned on her' and she responded is nothing more than beefing up your self esteem. It's not a real relationship and you aren't mentally ready to have one. Read the books; they all say the same thing. Have a fling? Go for it. Get into a 'relationship'? Dead man walking. It's stated over and over that you should wait before dating again (usually about a month for every year of marriage) because, mentally, it takes a person quite a bit of time to shake out all those hidden feelings and emotions you 'think' you're over. You're not. You're going to end up hurting this woman because you aren't emotionally ready to have a relationship yet. And you'll likely end up getting fired, to boot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 I noticed that you had no response regarding your children Well that's hardly true and very misleading. I may not have responded directly to your post nut I have stated more than once that my kids come first. And yes, i get it, you don't believe I am doing that because I am in a new relationship. I disagree. But frankly, it seems that you are more concerned with justifying your "given right" to pursue whomever you please now that you consider your marriage to be over. I don't just consider the marriage to be over, it is over. I should not have to justify any relationship I pursue to anyone other than my kids. As I have said I believe they will be fine with the whole situation and quite frankly I am in the best position, certainly better than anyone here, to know that. Add to that their counselor says they are coping as well and she knows of my new relationship and they have spoken of it then I feel I am on solid ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Is there any way that you can move your soon to be ex wife out? I know that you are afraid she'll harm herself, but if it's that much of a concern that she needs supervision, then maybe it's time to call in some professional help.... Take some of the stress off yourself and get her the help she needs.... Her sister and I are working on getting my ex-wife the help she needs. It's not as easy as it sounds. Because my ex-wife maintains she is ok we are having a hard time forcing anything on her and the authorities don't take the unborn children into account in these situations unless we can prove actual harm, not just "theories". At the moment it is looking like it will just be up to us. Her sister is taking her back next week though so I do get a small reprieve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Is there any way that you could take your kids somewhere for a fun weekend trip to give them a bit of a break from it all too? It's school holidays in two weeks time. It has already been organised even though many here think I am forgetting the kids and only concentrating on me. We will be staying at a holiday destination here in Australia called Surfers Paradise. It has plenty of theme parks etc so the kids will enjoy it and I will get (hopefully) some relaxation time. That was part of the reason the ex is heading back to her sisters. And no, my boss/partner/SO/girlfriend (what is the correct term?) is not coming. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 The only "ethically questionable" aspect of Jack's behaviour is that he's dating his boss. This isn't a revenge affair because #1 Jack is committed to divorce and moving on and #2 he's not hiding it at all I think legality has to be separated from morality here. He's married on paper (a legal relationship), but the actual human/emotional relationship is over. The only thing he has to worry about is how entering a relationship with another woman while technically still married to his STBX might affect his divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 The only "ethically questionable" aspect of Jack's behaviour is that he's dating his boss. This isn't a revenge affair because #1 Jack is committed to divorce and moving on and #2 he's not hiding it at all I think legality has to be separated from morality here. He's married on paper (a legal relationship), but the actual human/emotional relationship is over. The only thing he has to worry about is how entering a relationship with another woman while technically still married to his STBX might affect his divorce. Agreed, i'm sure Jack is old enough to deal with his new relationship if it lasts or does not. I actually dont see any issue with what you are doing Jack...i do think you could have do with some YOU time though. think of your kids ' i know you do' they too are in this rocky road with you too..always look at it through their eyes Enjoy your holiday, you n the kids deserve it...weather is warm, sunny fab blue sky beats the rain we've had past week 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 I'm still left wondering what woman would choose to date you now - with all the drama you have still to settle...? She can't be in a healthy frame of mind to willingly choose this as part of her life... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 I believe they will be fine with the whole situation ...says every man in an affair... Your kids have had their lives turned upside down, are blaming themselves for the loss of their home, and wonder if you even WANT them...but hey! Dad has a new mama coming around...maybe SHE will put us first, since HE is busy paying attention to HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Mccool023 Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 If she came out and admitted it, that should help your chances at keeping a lot of things and your plan sounds pretty good. Std and paternity test are the most important, You should feel embarrassed because of some bitch doesn't have morals. she will get what's coming to her some day. If I were you from this day on, I would tell myself she's dead and doesn't exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jack_oneill_sg1 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 I am an honest and basic man. I don't often feel strong emotions of hate but I really and truly can say I hate my ex wife with every single ounce of my being. I thought being betrayed so completely by someone I loved was a hard pill to swallow but now she has gone and crushed whatever compassion I had left for her. The stupid bitch has drank herself into a stupor and as a result has miscarried. They were my flesh and blood and she has taken them. I have never felt so much hate toward a person, I will never forgive her. 6 months ago I was the happiest person alive, now I have nothing but my gorgeous kids to live for. I will pull through this for them and I will make sure that cow is crushed for what she has done. She does not deserve to have anything from me and does not deserve my kids. Some people deserve sympathy and I always tried to look at things through my wifes eyes thinking maybe just maybe there was something still good in her. I now know I was wasting my time and that she deserves not another thought from me apart from finishing all legalities as soon as possible so she can go and waste away without dragging me and my kids down with her. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I'm so sorry Jack. Take care of yourself and kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Unfortunately divorces are no-fault so her sleeping with the whole neighborhood won't be held against her. Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 So sorry for you and your children, take care of each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 So sorry Jack. That's awful, beyond awful. She'll be much easier to remove from your life now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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