Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Jack:

 

You never answered my question: Did you and your W use any kind of birth control?

 

Sorry I must have missed it.

 

She was on the pill. She has never been much good at staying up to date with it and we have had a few scares over the years. I just assume this time the 'scare' was a little more.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

OMG! Recon in a few years time you'll be able to write a book!!!

 

If I keep getting new chapters with as many twists as I have had so far I will be in a padded cell in a few years. It really is more than one man can take.

 

You will make your kids proud still a tough path ahead, I wish you strength!

 

I have developed a great respect for all single parents out there. It is had work, harder than I expected. I'm having some issues with my eldest at the moment but that's another story for another time.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

you don't often talk about how 'your' feeling in all this, just about whats actually happening.

 

Defence mechanism I guess. I am still rather embarrassed that I failed to see what was happening.

 

I do open up with my counselor, there has been some pretty intense sessions. I must admit though that even though I have so much going on in my life both emotionally and physically I still really miss the gentle touch of a woman, I long to be able to just lie in bed and cuddle up to someone again.

[BetrayedH]

I think it was a wise decision to stay detached and probably remarkably difficult. You're making decisions with your head instead of you heart, something I wish I had been able to do. I can't think of one of your decisions that I would change.

 

As for not having known sooner, quit sweating that. You trusted your wife, as you were supposed to. It's that simple.

 

As for the desire to cuddle, the kids will be quite the chick magnet soon enough, especially twins. You'll be beating them off with a stick.

[Shocked Suzie]

Defence mechanism I guess. I am still rather embarrassed that I failed to see what was happening.

 

I do open up with my counselor, there has been some pretty intense sessions. I must admit though that even though I have so much going on in my life both emotionally and physically I still really miss the gentle touch of a woman, I long to be able to just lie in bed and cuddle up to someone again.

 

Im so pleased to hear you are seeing a counselor, your doing great! I loved the padded cell comment, can relate to this 'although your situation' is much more extreme than mine, but have thought this too. I also have felt the feelings that you have, i think these thoughts and feelings are the natural process of grieving and shock. I too have felt like I've failed...felt like a fool, looking back now i can see where my marriage slowly began to break down, both our faults.... although these things could have easily been rectified if it was given the chance....my H chose another path, so did your wife... you and I have not failed, we were living, loving, trusting and carrying on with married life this is something to feel proud of we did not fail!

 

I've also 'more stronger in the first few months' felt loneliness and miss physical contact 'i still do' but i don't crave for it as much...i think this is because i know i need to repair myself, i need to grow before i jump into another relationship, the book i said about relates to this too. It also has a 10wk support group, unfortunately most of these groups seem to run in the US, my local one here hasn't responded to my email...i'm not usually into stuff like that but thought i'd try it out for healing purposes

 

As i said before your doing great and i'm glad to see your getting help and thinking with your head

[jack_oneill_sg1]

From bad, to worse, to slowly getting better, now I have jumped off the cliff.

 

I know I am going to cop a great deal of criticism for this but I just hope people understand why I have done what I have.

 

My wife is back living in our home. We ARE NOT back together but I was left with little alternative.

 

She is in a very dark place right now, self harm or harming my unborn children are a concern. I had to do anything and everything I could to protect them. She has taken the breakup very badly and for the most part I truly dont care, she made her bed... But there is a bigger picture with the pregnancy and I had to consider that.

 

So it's all one big happy family right now. My wife is happy she is 'back' and although I remind her at every opportunity the there is no "we" I don't think she truly gets it.

 

My kids are happy that we are at least living together with their obvious hope that we get back together permanently.

 

Life for me at home is not pleasant. I am playing the part out of necessity but I am scared by playing for too long there will be no turning back. Unfortunately my kids are more important than me so I will just have to hope that when the twins are born and things settle that I can get her out of my life once and for all.

 

I have also put my job in jeopardy. I was leaning very heavily on my boss for support, she has been through a divorce and had been my rock through this. One thing led to another and we are now having an affair. I don't know why it happened, I'm not sure I even wanted it to, but it does give me someone to talk to, I do get a lot of comfort from her. In the long term though I just can't see it being a good thing career wise. Unless of course we stay together, which I wouldn't mind, but given the way in which this all started it just seems too messy for any long term good to come of it.

 

My fear is I will lose the job I love and end up stuck with a woman I now truly hate. And all for my kids. I don't hold anything against them, I am doing it open eyed and willingly but boy oh boy it's hard.

 

Sometimes I think it would have been easier to be a self centered prick and look out for myself only and screw the rest of the world. That is not me though and I couldn't live with myself if I was that way.

[dreamingoftigers]

Because somewhere in this nightmare he hit a breaking point.

 

OP, until you realize that you've pretty much gone into "survival mode" here and quit the dysfunctional behaviour to pull through, you are risking the health of your children.

 

What is being done to stabilize your wife. If you need support or someone to talk to and LS isn't cutting it, call a distress line, go to counseling, go back to church if you have a faith, see if there is an infidelity meetup in your area.

 

Oh sh**.

 

Where's BetrayedH? He might be able 2 help.

 

So, you're having a revenge affair with your boss and living with your wife who may be pregnant with your twins...

 

What other drama do you need 2 make this soap opera complete?

 

Does your wife know about your affair? If you haven't been truthful with her and you're not divorced, how can you consider what she did for the past 10 years 2 be wrong? At all?

 

So, what happens when/if your affair ends? Will you lose your job? What happens if you knock your boss up? Is she married?

 

gadzooks.

 

-ol' 2long

[Confused48]

I think you need to clarify. Have you told your wife you are seeing this other woman? If so and if she is not married then it is not an affair. If either she is married or your wife is in the dark then you have just made a huge mistake.

[worldgonewrong]

I've just read this entire long thread, and...OH MY GOD. This is so crazy, it almost reads like fiction.

 

The only thing that would make this surreal-y worse now is if you got your boss pregnant. I pray that doesn't happen.

 

You have my sympathy/empathy, brother. Just get back in touch with the strong-minded will you had a few pages ago. I think the prospect of twins from a wayward wife justifiably sent you 'round the bend. Be strong, my man. You can do it.

[BetrayedH]

Gadzooks is right. I'm not sure I'll be much help.

 

2long probably brought me up because I made similar decisions that took my situation from nuts into Downtown CrazyTown.

 

I think that DoT is right that you reached a breaking point. A friend of mine that had her own very brief affair after her H's said she probably would have slept with Fidel Castro after what she went thru. I could relate; the rejection I felt was overwhelming and I was dying for some external validation. This crap puts immense pressure on us and sadly, we start to think that this kind of behavior is the new norm. It's like, if this is the way the world is, why am I not joining in? Aren't I also entitled to get my needs met and to hell with the consequences?

 

The problem is that there ARE consequences. Real life DOES intrude. And worst of all, this is really not who you are and you end up regretting your foray into the dark side. It's NOT the new normal and you regret both the change in yourself and the consequences that eventually come, particularly because they will impact your children. Sadly, if you're ever going to really come clean with your kids about what has happened in their parents' marriage, it will now include that you also had an affair.

 

Personally (and to the regret of 2long), I am not a hard-liner about needing dry ink on your divorce papers before dating but I respect those that are as they have a much healthier approach. Hell, waiting a year after your divorce is probably the most wise. But in my mind, you've made it clear to your W that this marriage is over. This is a risk that she took and frankly, I don't think it's her business who you are dating. But it certainly has the risk of legal implications. Unless you are legally separated, you've probably also committed adultery. Any advantage you had is probably gone. As well, if your W does find out, she will release her guilt over what she has done and you can likely say goodbye to an amicable settlement.

 

But I think your in-house separation is probably the biggest concern. I understand why you did it and won't judge that. It was a rock and a hard place decision. But you do need to be working on how to extricate everyone from it. You need to figure out how your W is going to get her own place. You need to figure out how to divide up the kids and the stuff. Short story, start working on the next transition. Figure out the logistics. Keeping this as a long-term approach is going to be unhealthy for everyone because your W and children will expect that reconciliation is more possible as more time passes. I hope you haven't decided to keep it this way until the twins are born. I'm not sure what that accomplishes because that's when the real hard work come into play. I think this was probably your only move to prevent a real meltdown but it has to be temporary.

 

Otherwise, good God I hope your boss isn't married.

Edited June 4, 2013 by BetrayedH

[worldgonewrong]

 

Otherwise, good God I hope your boss isn't married.

 

Egads! I hadn't considered that!

[Shocked Suzie]

Jack, is there any way that you can tell your boss that 'it has nothing to do with her but for the sake of any future in your relationship together then for the moment it needs to go on hold! i'm sure if she is an understanding woman she would clearly see why you need some time out

 

 

don't beat yourself up over letting your wife back home.... Jack i was going to private message you, but i'm not able to due to your settings.. really feel for you your situation just keeps getting harder.

[Praying4Peace]

Is there anywhere else your W can go to help her through the break up and pregnancy? Parents? Sibling?

 

If your intention is to end things for good, it's not going to be easier after the twins arrive. She will be exhausted, hormonal and probably suffer from Post Partum Depression. You think it's hard to let her be on her own now, wait until later on. Later she will have difficulty taking care of the other kids with two newborns in the house.

 

Have you thought about this maybe leading to R?

 

And to the posters who mentioned it- his boss is divorced. Please don't pull her into this mess. I'm not sure how long she's been divorced but she might be in a bad place herself.

[Shocked Suzie]

Because somewhere in this nightmare he hit a breaking point.

 

OP, until you realize that you've pretty much gone into "survival mode" here and quit the dysfunctional behaviour to pull through, you are risking the health of your children.

What is being done to stabilize your wife. If you need support or someone to talk to and LS isn't cutting it, call a distress line, go to counseling, go back to church if you have a faith, see if there is an infidelity meetup in your area.

 

Agreed, Jack you are adding stress to an already stressful situation!

 

http://www.beyonblue.org.au

MensLine Australia

 

where abouts in AU are you?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I think you need to clarify. Have you told your wife you are seeing this other woman? If so and if she is not married then it is not an affair. If either she is married or your wife is in the dark then you have just made a huge mistake.

 

My wife has been told, whether it has registered is a different story. And it's not just once I have told her, I tell her I am going out to dinner with her and my wife just says ok, no emotion.

 

My boss is not married, she has been divorced for years. She had a partner but finished with her months ago. I am probably just a rebound? She says she has always had feelings for me and we have both ending up free at the same time for a reason. Honestly, I am excited by the prospects this relationship holds, I just want my wife out of my life first.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Is there anywhere else your W can go to help her through the break up and pregnancy? Parents? Sibling?

 

I so wish there was. She was with her sister for a while but too many arguments have ruled that out. All other relatives are interstate/unwilling/unable. All her friends she has alienated by her actions.

 

If your intention is to end things for good, it's not going to be easier after the twins arrive. She will be exhausted, hormonal and probably suffer from Post Partum Depression. You think it's hard to let her be on her own now, wait until later on. Later she will have difficulty taking care of the other kids with two newborns in the house.

 

Yes I know, I'm totally screwed aren't I.

 

Have you thought about this maybe leading to R?

 

R ? Reconciliation ?

 

If that is what it means then no chance. I was weak for a while and it was a possibility but I have seen the light and seen her for who she really is. The problem is she is also the mother of my kids including unborn twins.

 

I will do almost anything to protect my family, that included letting her back home much to my disgust. There is a limit though and reconciliation is a long way past where I am willing to go.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Agreed, Jack you are adding stress to an already stressful situation!

 

Give me options. All I can think of is putting her in some sort of care facility. Every time I mention it shes cries for days. I can't keep putting that stress on the twins.

 

where abouts in AU are you?

 

Melbournes sth east suburbs

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Oh, I probably should mention too, I think someone raised it a few pages back, that the breakup of marital assets is pretty much complete as is the arrangements for the kids and also maintenance.

 

Of course when I say "is" I now mean "was" as everything has been turned upside down. I have no idea whether she intends to honor any of the agreements we made.

 

I have made it very clear though that even though she is living under my roof we are separated. I don't want it to affect the 12 months and 1 day until I can file for the divorce.

[Shocked Suzie]

Give me options. All I can think of is putting her in some sort of care facility. Every time I mention it shes cries for days. I can't keep putting that stress on the twins.

 

 

 

Melbournes sth east suburbs

 

 

ok she obviously has seen a GP? has she spoken to her GP about how she is feeling?? is she seeking any current support? i think i read somewhere that you have an investment property? eventually she will have a home to settle in?

 

i know you are going through enough crap atm, but maybe if you could call some help lines for direction for her, she's extra low because of pregnancy hormones..hopefully it will pass...what about her family? are they helping/supporting?

 

was just wondering about support groups in your area, although i'm not having much fun finding any where i am 'gold coast'

[jack_oneill_sg1]

[/b]

ok she obviously has seen a GP? has she spoken to her GP about how she is feeling?? is she seeking any current support? i think i read somewhere that you have an investment property? eventually she will have a home to settle in?

 

I have kept as much distance as possible and kept away from any appointments that don't specifically concern the twins.

 

From whats she has said and her sister confirmed the doctor said this, she just needs support. She is depressed with the marriage situation and it is compounded by pregnancy hormones.

 

The investment property is hers now. I kicked the renters out so now its sitting there fully furnished waiting for her. I hope to get her in there as soon as I can and between her sister and I we can visit every day to check on her. Our concern is though, she will be left at home for long periods without supervision possibly causing issues. That is why she is with me.

 

She is still seeing her counselor that she got just after all this hit the fan. I am not privy to those conversations.

 

[/b]

where i am 'gold coast'

 

I could do with a holiday. Stress free on the beach surfing and soaking up the rays.

 

Want to house swap for a week or two?

[Confused48]

My wife has been told, whether it has registered is a different story. And it's not just once I have told her, I tell her I am going out to dinner with her and my wife just says ok, no emotion.

 

My boss is not married, she has been divorced for years. She had a partner but finished with her months ago. I am probably just a rebound? She says she has always had feelings for me and we have both ending up free at the same time for a reason. Honestly, I am excited by the prospects this relationship holds, I just want my wife out of my life first.

 

I would hope that you are clear with your wife. Not that you owe her anything but you owe it to yourself to not be in a position to be accused of hiding the true nature of your relationship with your boss. Make sure your wife knows it is a sexual relationship, not just business associates having a nice dinner. Then since your boss is not married you have nothing to be ashamed of. And you should not use the term "affair" to describe what you are doing.

[LovesHangover]

You don't think she's been lying for now - but you didn't see she was lying back then either.

 

 

I knew you'd consider going back to her - it was obvious the minute you have the title of this thread changed/softened to have her viewed in a softer light.

 

Well guess what - she's still the whore you opened the thread with - now you just plan to sugar coat who she REALLY is!

 

Why would she need to defend herself? YOU do enough of it for HER bad behavior.

 

Go ahead - stay - you are truly co dependent and lost without your wife who cheats.

 

I doubt you ever intended to divorce her. You don't respect yourself enough to get rid of her trash.

 

You take her back - you'll always be wondering which neighbor she's banging - which teacher she decided to screw - and what diseases she may bring to you.

 

Honestly, how could you be so harsh and judgmental. People don't deserve to be beaten down when they are down.

 

I have read through this post without commenting but I wish the OP and his family all the best in whatever choices are made.

 

While infidelity is awful and what his wife has done is horrific and devastating, I don't agree with your assessment that the OP doesn't respect himself if he chooses to stay within his marriage.

 

It's his choice, not yours. He has to make the best decision for him. There isn't a cookie cutter solution to life's issues. He shared what's going and is seeking support. While you don't agree with a course of action, it is not ok to insert your stance in such a negative way especially when his choices have no impact on your life whatsoever.

 

He will have the live with the impact of his choices, so it is prudent for him to take his time.

[Shocked Suzie]

I have kept as much distance as possible and kept away from any appointments that don't specifically concern the twins.

 

From whats she has said and her sister confirmed the doctor said this, she just needs support. She is depressed with the marriage situation and it is compounded by pregnancy hormones.

 

The investment property is hers now. I kicked the renters out so now its sitting there fully furnished waiting for her. I hope to get her in there as soon as I can and between her sister and I we can visit every day to check on her. Our concern is though, she will be left at home for long periods without supervision possibly causing issues. That is why she is with me.

 

She is still seeing her counselor that she got just after all this hit the fan. I am not privy to those conversations.

 

Well there is light at the end of the tunnel, she is very lucky you could have just walked away and the fact that when she gets on her feet again she has a home to call her own...Its good she is seeking help too

 

has she ever shown signs of depression before? is she prone to this 'although her behavior whilst being married wasn't normal' ...just wondered if she's been this way before?

I could do with a holiday. Stress free on the beach surfing and soaking up the rays.

 

Want to house swap for a week or two?

 

ha ha being a London girl i recon i'd like Melbourne (my situation) sooner or later sadly i wont have a house to swap soon, so you might find your locks changed and your ExW in the other house

[Artie Lang]

I have also put my job in jeopardy. I was leaning very heavily on my boss for

support, she has been through a divorce and had been my rock through this.

One thing led to another and we are now having an affair.

 

dude..... SERIOUSLY?

[2sunny]

So you're in a very messy situation - and your solution is to bring another woman into the situation now? Unbelievable!

 

I'm finding this all hard to believe!

 

That's the choice you make under these circumstances? Someone ought to slap you silly.