Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[Shocked Suzie]

So you're in a very messy situation - and your solution is to bring another woman into the situation now? Unbelievable!

 

I'm finding this all hard to believe!

 

That's the choice you make under these circumstances? Someone ought to slap you silly.

 

Blunt and direct as this is i have to agree, can only hope you've not created another bad situation for yourself...and the OW

[wifehurtheart]

So you're in a very messy situation - and your solution is to bring another woman into the situation now? Unbelievable!

 

I'm finding this all hard to believe!

 

That's the choice you make under these circumstances? Someone ought to slap you silly.

 

Can't disagree with that! I think you need to put everything in your life (except the kids) on hold, take some deep breaths and as long as it takes to try and figure out where the hell you're going and what the hell you're doing. You're like living you life in a food blender! You've got tons of s#%t going on in every area of your life and you add an affair with your boss to the mix??

 

As Artie Lang said, "dude.....SERIOUSLY?

[LeGenDary_Man]

I have also put my job in jeopardy. I was leaning very heavily on my boss for support, she has been through a divorce and had been my rock through this. One thing led to another and we are now having an affair.

What the?

 

---

 

Your story absolutely qualifies as a soap opera material.

 

Let us give it a name now:-

 

I am thinking: Shock-a-holic odyssey

 

---

 

You have ended-up in the same boat in which you found your wife. She is at the front of it (boat of infidelity) but you have certainly landed on its back. I sympathize with your situation but you are now being totally irrational.

 

Learn to control your biological urges. This shouldn't be even mentioned to guy your age.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[jack_oneill_sg1]

You have ended-up in the same boat in which you found your wife. She is at the front of it (boat of infidelity) but you have certainly landed on its back.

 

I am prepared to take much criticism and always take on board even the comments that are unfavourable but I feel I must defend myself here.

 

I may have started this by using the term "affair" when as someone else pointed out that is not correct.

 

My marriage is over, there is no relationship there. Sure it's messy with all that is going on but it's not like it is all a secret, my boss came into the relationship with me with her eyes wide open.

 

While moving on to another relationship this fast was not in the least planned by me I see no reason to throw away what could be the start of the next chapter of my life. I would have preferred to have everything settled on the home front first but some things you can't control.

 

I am very aware of the impact this can have on my kids. The relationship is being kept low key, not secret. I have spoken to my kids about how I will not be getting back together with their mum. I have told them I am sort of seeing someone else. After all that has gone on I don't think it was much of a shock.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I am prepared to take much criticism and always take on board even the comments that are unfavourable but I feel I must defend myself here.

 

I may have started this by using the term "affair" when as someone else pointed out that is not correct.

 

My marriage is over, there is no relationship there.

I fully understand that your marriage is over and you want to move on with your life which would be a positive thing to do in your situation. However, as long as you are not (legally) "divorced" from your wife, any romantic relationship you engage in out of wedlock is logically "extramarital affair."

 

You are having an affair; difference is that you can justify it better then your wife could in her case.

 

Sure it's messy with all that is going on but it's not like it is all a secret, my boss came into the relationship with me with her eyes wide open.

 

While moving on to another relationship this fast was not in the least planned by me I see no reason to throw away what could be the start of the next chapter of my life. I would have preferred to have everything settled on the home front first but some things you can't control.

 

I am very aware of the impact this can have on my kids. The relationship is being kept low key, not secret. I have spoken to my kids about how I will not be getting back together with their mum. I have told them I am sort of seeing someone else. After all that has gone on I don't think it was much of a shock.

After going through what you have been, people often start what is dubbed as "revenge affair" or "rebound relationship" or whatever.

 

Since OW is your boss, I wouldn't advice you to dump her or something. You can hope that she commits to you properly; otherwise, things can get very complicated for you. I hope you get my drift here.

 

Good luck! You will need it.

[dreamingoftigers]

While moving on to another relationship this fast was not in the least planned by me I see no reason to throw away what could be the start of the next chapter of my life. I would have preferred to have everything settled on the home front first but some things you can't control.

 

I am very aware of the impact this can have on my kids. The relationship is being kept low key, not secret. I have spoken to my kids about how I will not be getting back together with their mum. I have told them I am sort of seeing someone else. After all that has gone on I don't think it was much of a shock.

 

I think it would be way too rough on your kids to compound the situation.

 

It's really really naive to not at least see a counselor or something with the kids to discuss it.

[Shocked Suzie]

I am prepared to take much criticism and always take on board even the comments that are unfavourable but I feel I must defend myself here.

 

I may have started this by using the term "affair" when as someone else pointed out that is not correct.

 

My marriage is over, there is no relationship there. Sure it's messy with all that is going on but it's not like it is all a secret, my boss came into the relationship with me with her eyes wide open.

 

While moving on to another relationship this fast was not in the least planned by me I see no reason to throw away what could be the start of the next chapter of my life. I would have preferred to have everything settled on the home front first but some things you can't control.

 

I am very aware of the impact this can have on my kids. The relationship is being kept low key, not secret. I have spoken to my kids about how I will not be getting back together with their mum. I have told them I am sort of seeing someone else. After all that has gone on I don't think it was much of a shock.

 

 

You know what up until this point you have been a ROCK under seriously difficult times....but read what you have put here and then put yourself in your kids shoes n think what the hell is going on in their heads!!! Seriously your kids do not need this extra info!!!!! It's not fair on them...your situation is **** enough as it is without dumping this extra nugget onto them!

 

If you must carry on with the relationship with your boss...id suggest to keep it well and truly from your 'poor confused' kids brains for now...I don't think they need anymore information overload...their world has just turned upside down...their mum is on a downward spiral and now their dad's screwing his boss....seriously, leave them out of is until the dust settles!

 

My situation....if I did meet someone, which I won't cause I'm not looking! I need to heal....the VERY last people to find out if I did meet someone would ATM be my kids...they are trying to come to terms with my H affair, new woman and the loss of their family life as they knew it..I would not dump 'hey kids mums gotta new bf' on them

[Artie Lang]

you've lost all credibility, dude.

 

you're just like one of "them," now.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

you've lost all credibility, dude.

you're just like one of "them," now.

 

That's interesting. Because I have moved on a little faster than others would have liked or a little faster than what the general consensus is all of a sudden I become "one of them"

 

That would be akin to me saying that you are "one of them". You know, one of those that are quick to judge others. Rather than being happy that I am (becoming) happy you would rather be negative? I think that says more about you than me.

 

I may not fall into the mould of the typical betrayed spouse but then again I don't think I am typical given the extent and severity of the betrayal. Whether I have made the right decisions only time will tell, all I can say is that I have made the best ones I can. If they are wrong I will deal with the fallout.

[Shocked Suzie]

That's interesting. Because I have moved on a little faster than others would have liked or a little faster than what the general consensus is all of a sudden I become "one of them"

 

That would be akin to me saying that you are "one of them". You know, one of those that are quick to judge others. Rather than being happy that I am (becoming) happy you would rather be negative? I think that says more about you than me.

 

I may not fall into the mould of the typical betrayed spouse but then again I don't think I am typical given the extent and severity of the betrayal. Whether I have made the right decisions only time will tell, all I can say is that I have made the best ones I can. If they are wrong I will deal with the fallout.

 

just make sure the fallout is not at the expense of your children's emotions, mental state and overall effect on their future relationships. What you do is up to you...what you tell your kids and what they have to see is another thing all together

 

I understand that it would be easy to fall into another relationship, especially with someone who is familiar and knows you ...i'm sure your old enough to deal with a possible backlash if it happens...its just a shame you've not allowed yourself some personal growth time, as your situation is pretty out their and would emotionally effect anyone!...but that's up to you

 

.. just think of your kids, look at all this from their eyes!!

[firemanq]

Rat Meat .

 

-ol' 2long

 

I like your term of endearment for Rat Meat. I refer to the X-wifes cheating partner as Fat F******. After 25 years, I still have no trust in the bitch, or her family. Her lies and actions still affect me and the kids after all this time.

 

I sincerely hope our OP gets his life together and moves on. My heart bleeds for him, as do my eyes.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Pretty much. At some point in this new relationship you'll have 2 ask yourself whether, all things considered, what your wife did is all that awful after all.

 

It this really what this thread has disintegrated to?

 

My wife had 10 years worth of cheating with multiple partners while married.

 

I am having a relationship with a single woman while single myself. Sure there is a piece of paper saying I am married but for all intents and purposes I am a single man.

 

And you think I need to compare the two?

 

I really hope I have misunderstood the meaning of this post because if it means what I have said that is very disappointing to say the least. I can't even fathom how the two scenarios are even remotely close to each other.

[drifter777]

It this really what this thread has disintegrated to?

 

My wife had 10 years worth of cheating with multiple partners while married.

 

I am having a relationship with a single woman while single myself. Sure there is a piece of paper saying I am married but for all intents and purposes I am a single man.

 

And you think I need to compare the two?

 

I really hope I have misunderstood the meaning of this post because if it means what I have said that is very disappointing to say the least. I can't even fathom how the two scenarios are even remotely close to each other.

 

 

 

Are you and your wife "separated"? If so, do you have a mutual agreement that you will see other people? This is important for most of us LS'ers.

[LeGenDary_Man]

It this really what this thread has disintegrated to?

 

My wife had 10 years worth of cheating with multiple partners while married.

 

I am having a relationship with a single woman while single myself. Sure there is a piece of paper saying I am married but for all intents and purposes I am a single man.

 

And you think I need to compare the two?

 

I really hope I have misunderstood the meaning of this post because if it means what I have said that is very disappointing to say the least. I can't even fathom how the two scenarios are even remotely close to each other.

Please keep in mind that you are not being criticized for your decision to ditch your "cake-eating" wife but rather your decision to have a "revenge affair" type relationship during the most vulnerable phase of your life (wife pregnant with twins and living in your home; divorce process not completed yet; informing kids about OW) and with your BOSS nonetheless.

 

I understand your urge to teach your "cake-eating" wife a lesson; to demonstrate to her that you are not to be undervalued and underappreciated as a man. If this plan helps you to regain your confidence, so be it. You have absolute right to move on with your life; you deserve to be happy.

 

However, you should have taken more reasonable approach to deal with your situation by demonstrating to your wife that people with dignity still exist; that people who respect and value marital wows do exist. How would this have been possible? If you had;

 

1. Waited for the divorce procedure to finalize,

2. Moved your wife out of your home afterwards,

3. And then brought the OW in to your home after taking your kids in to confidence about this.

 

In this manner you would have done justice to both your marital wows and also relationship with OW.

 

Your wife would have learned a lesson regardless. You could just inform her that you are seeing someone else and after you send her packing, the OW would be in.

 

Anyways, since you have commenced a relationship with your BOSS; do not ditch her (give her a chance). I hope that this relationship works out for you. But you need to be careful with how you mentor your kids in this regard. You are a father and you need to address the concerns of your kids as well but with dignified approach. You need to teach your kids to value and respect the institution of marriage but also be tough and calculative.

 

Since you have (prematurely) informed your kids about OW, find a way to explain to them why you did this and why your marriage is not working but on the right occasion this time. Seek advice in this regard now.

 

Good luck

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Are you and your wife "separated"? If so, do you have a mutual agreement that you will see other people? This is important for most of us LS'ers.

 

Yes we are separated, unfortunately due to circumstance under the same roof at the moment, but separated nonetheless.

 

She knows the marriage is over, I could not have been clearer on that with her. Does she agree that we can both see other people? Probably not, she wants to get back together.

 

Are you suggesting that I should wait until she finally accepts that there is no chance of us reconciling before I move on? That could take years, maybe never.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

That she is pregnant suggests that you were intimate in recent months, so you must have had a tolerable marriage

 

As far as I knew, and I know how bad it looks, I thought our marriage was fine, better than fine, perfect. Of course we were intimate... right up until the day I discovered what she had been doing.

 

Now you're no longer ignorant of the affairs, but you STILL have twins on the way. You're going 2 have 2 deal with your STBX wife in some semi-regular capacity unless you plan 2 abandon the twins, which I can't imagine you'd do.

 

Of course, but dealing with her does not mean that I have to put my entire life on hold because she wants me to. I mean look what I have done for her already, I have avoided a court case by settling all matter privately, I have even let her back in my home because of her issues. I could be dragging her name through the mud.

 

I have lost the last 10 years because of her lies and betrayal. I'll be damned if I'll waste another second through her trying to transfer her guilt on to me.

 

At least take precautions 2 avoid getting your boss pregnant?

 

That's not an issue.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Since you have (prematurely) informed your kids about OW, find a way to explain to them why you did this and why your marriage is not working but on the right occasion this time. Seek advice in this regard now.

 

My kids understand. Sure they want mummy and daddy to get back together but they know what she has done, they know why we are apart and they know there is no chance of us getting back together. I know this after speaking to their counselor. I just wish their mum would understand that reconciliation is off the table.

 

As for the new relationship; the kids know that I am seeing another woman. That is all they know. My eldest has expressed disappointment that I will not be getting back with my wife but also acknowledged that I deserve better and she has told me to "just be happy"

 

Sometimes text on a page comes across harsh but that is not who I am. I respect my kids and their feelings and I will not put myself before them. I realise others think that this relationship is doing that but I disagree.

[2sunny]

The OW you're seeing - must not have much integrity... We are defined by our choices and actions - the fact that she would choose to date you now ( especially since she's been your boss) is just poor character.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, have tried to keep up here, so apologize if this has been addressed, and it's more a point of curiosity than anything else. You found your wife's APs to be men AND women, if I recall 4 men and 7 women, or something like that. It seems as if the occurrences and frequency were MUCH greater with the women, IIRC. You stated that you felt somewhat better knowing it was not 11 men. Did you know she went this way? Would your reaction have been different if it had been 11 women? Not pertinent at this point, I know, but you've laid everything else out quite brutally and honestly, so thought I'd ask. Apologize if it's intruding or offensive, and I commend you for keeping your head up and dealing with this head on, for the sake of your sanity and the good of your children. May you find peace and happiness.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

You found your wife's APs to be men AND women, if I recall 4 men and 7 women, or something like that.

 

Correct.

 

It seems as if the occurrences and frequency were MUCH greater with the women

 

Correct

 

Did you know she went this way?

 

Yes with a but. I knew she was interested BUT I didn't think she would ever do it behind my back.

 

Would your reaction have been different if it had been 11 women?

 

I feel like a total hypocrite saying this but I do believe I would have acted differently (as far as one can be sure in a hypothetical situation).

 

May you find peace and happiness.

 

I'm working on it. It seems sometimes that despite best intentions not all are happy to see you happy if it doesn't fit in with their idea of the way the world should run.

[BetrayedH]

It seems sometimes that despite best intentions not all are happy to see you happy if it doesn't fit in with their idea of the way the world should run.

 

Try not to get too bent out of shape. Posters here really are just trying to advise what is best for you. And conventional wisdom says that the healthiest way to move forward is to wait a good year after your divorce before you enter the dating scene. This is especially true if you have children; they are already adjusting to a broken household.

 

But understand that I'm not judging you for your choice. I also didn't wait. While waiting is the logical choice, I'm not Mr Spock and my emotions played a factor. But that doesn't mean that my choice was wise or that it would be wrong for people to point it out to me.

[drifter777]

Yes we are separated, unfortunately due to circumstance under the same roof at the moment, but separated nonetheless.

 

She knows the marriage is over, I could not have been clearer on that with her. Does she agree that we can both see other people? Probably not, she wants to get back together.

 

Are you suggesting that I should wait until she finally accepts that there is no chance of us reconciling before I move on? That could take years, maybe never.

Of course I'm not saying you should wait until she finally accepts "accepts" that the marriage is dead to you. After what she did you get to make that call with or without her acceptance. What I'm sayng is that you don't have any kind of agreement (wrong word?) that you are free to see other people. She doesn't have to agree or think it's a good idea, but you should make your intentions clear to her. Right now you are hiding your relationship with this OW and that equates to cheating to many people - myself included. You need to tell your wife what you are doing and that you consider the marriage over and are going to see other people and she is free to do the same.

 

BTW: I don't care what reasons you have there is no excuse for continuing to live under the same roof with her.

[BetrayedH]

Of course I'm not saying you should wait until she finally accepts "accepts" that the marriage is dead to you. After what she did you get to make that call with or without her acceptance. What I'm sayng is that you don't have any kind of agreement (wrong word?) that you are free to see other people. She doesn't have to agree or think it's a good idea, but you should make your intentions clear to her. Right now you are hiding your relationship with this OW and that equates to cheating to many people - myself included. You need to tell your wife what you are doing and that you consider the marriage over and are going to see other people and she is free to do the same.

 

BTW: I don't care what reasons you have there is no excuse for continuing to live under the same roof with her.

 

Drifter, I'm pretty sure he mentioned a page or two back that she was aware that he is dating. He already got jumped on and clarified.

[drifter777]

Drifter, I'm pretty sure he mentioned a page or two back that she was aware that he is dating. He already got jumped on and clarified.

 

Ok - never mind.

 

 

It's still good advice to anyone who is separated to keep their intentions out in the open with their almost-ex.

[2sunny]

You have kids.

 

You are the one to set an example TO THEM what integrity looks like. This does influence them as they grow up.

 

It is expected that at least one parent takes that leadership role (if not both). What you are DOING and how you are reacting to this crappy situation tells them something...actually a lot of things.

 

Be the one to LEAD them in the right direction. Show them the way to grace, dignity and honor - by YOUR choices and decisions and actions in this time of crisis.

 

What you've chosen so far isn't adequate for the example they need.

 

Think long term - not just for your selfish needs right now.