Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[forgive]

Marital Infidelity - It's Not About Sex!

One Couple Share Their Story

 

Brian: After nearly a decade of marriage to a sexy, loving woman, with whom I made love to 4 times a week – I came home from work one evening and told her I was moving out, leaving her for another woman.

 

Lucky for me, my wife refused to give up on our marriage, and my “moving out” lasted only three months. We are now closer and more committed than ever. She captured my heart eleven years ago and still has all of my love and desire.

 

What you’re probably wondering is, if I loved my wife so much, why did I do it? So I will tell you what I was seeking in another woman’s company, and you may be surprised to discover that it wasn’t sex. It was respect and admiration.

 

Anne: I was living a fairytale – or so I thought. I was 41, had a great career and 1 child to my husband and two teenage kids from my previous marriage, and was still very much in love with my husband. He has one teenage daughter from a previous marriage and she stays with us every 2nd weekend and parts of school vacations. Yet from one moment to the next, I found myself on the brink of divorce. My husband announced he was leaving me permanently for another woman. I hadn’t even known he was having an affair. I was Cinderella, but the clock had struck twelve, and I was forced to open my eyes and face reality.

 

Questions wracked me. My identity as a happy wife and partner was shattered. Who was I really? And who was Brian? How could he do this to us? My heart was broken and shocked. Was the other woman younger? No! She was older. Was she prettier? No! According to my husband, she even looked like me. When I met her, I could see the similarity.

 

There had been no warning. My husband did work back late on occasions but this was normal for him. Life had been going on as usual. So how did they meet and when did they get together? They had met through his job, and they carried on the affair during his lunch hour at work and some evenings. How long had it been going on for? Five months. In five months, Brian had decided to throw away a great marriage - and throw the lives of all our child and step children, who he deeply loved, into a tailspin as well.

 

We are back together now and we both want to talk about why this happened in our marriage – so that it doesn’t have to happen in yours. You can learn the lesson we did without suffering the shattering pain.

 

 

The kind of affair that Brian had is becoming almost commonplace. According to a recent article in USA Today, the real threat to a marriage today lies not in sexual attraction to another, but in the emotional ties that a spouse can create with a member of the opposite sex. With people spending more time at work than ever before, and more women in the workplace, the article continues, both men and women are finding themselves with greater emotional voids and greater opportunities to create friendships with the opposite sex at work. According to marital researcher Shirley Glass, 62% of unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their illicit partner through work. “In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual…Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust,” she goes on to say.

 

This was exactly what happened with my husband. Luckily, three months after Brian left, he came back to me. He realised what he had lost; a loving wife who cared and loved him deeply. He wouldn’t talk about how the three months were living with his mistress. It must not have been all that great.

We committed the next year to rebuilding our relationship and identifying what the real issues were. Because I truly loved Brian, and I knew that deep down he loved me too, I decided to give working out our relationship an honest effort. Today, I’m glad I did. It’s been almost three years and my marriage is better than it’s ever been. Although that scar on our marriage will always be there, we managed with help to take our crisis and transform it into an opportunity for a better relationship and a message of hope for others.

What was the real cause for the affair?

 

Brian: Well, despite what everyone thinks, not all infidelity is about sex. Anne and I were having great sex, even after 8 years of marriage. But other things in my life were bringing me down. I was 43 years old, had suffered a major business loss and a corresponding bankruptcy, my father had died and I had a wild teenage daughter who refused to respect me as her father. I needed someone to look at me with admiring eyes, respect me, value me and hear what I had to say.

 

Anne: The problem was I did not know how to really listen to Brian when he needed to talk about what was going on with him. To him, I now see, that felt disrespectful. I became just another person in his life who thought I did not appreciate him. But because our lives had become full of responsibility and challenges, the majority of our conversations were now about solving those problems. I was working 5 days a week, with kids to care for, driving them here and there, preparing meals most nights, cleaning, washing and ironing. There was no time for me to sit down and relax and I was exhausted most nights and unbeknown to me this was taking a toll on Brian. I needed to just stop for a minute and learn how to listen to Brian, to show him respect (and admiration) by being interested in the things that mattered to him, even if they seemed trivial to me, like discussing sports or local news events. I needed to stop taking life so seriously and just have fun sometimes.

Though, I did noticed the last few months I would try and talk to Brian and he would just shut me out, snap at me and even become aggressive towards me at times, but I put it down to him having a stressful job. So, I would leave him be. The truth was I had tremendous love, admiration and respect for Brian, but my words and actions were not communicating those feelings to him.

When my husband met the other woman – I’ll call her Helen - she was very unhappy in her marriage. She was attracted to him and invited him to lunch. He went because he thought he could help her with her relationship. But in reality, he was unhappy himself. Unbeknowns to me, she began to provide the listening ear and light moments of escape, during Brian’s difficult time that I was not. (Does this mean that I was responsible for Brian’s infidelity? No. It does mean, however, that my actions were a contributing factor.)

 

As Brian and Helen’s relationship continued to deepen over the next five months, it was the friendship, not the sexual attraction that was driving the affair.

 

Brian: I found myself talking with Helen because she seemed to have interests in things that mattered to me. She liked to talk about sports and working out at the gym. Our conversations were light and casual, free from stress, and I felt respected for my thoughts. I didn’t feel put down because I liked to watch sports. What I missed the most in my wife - respect and admiration - I was finding in Helen.

 

Anne: My husband told me later, that the whole time he really longed to be sharing this level of emotional intimacy with me. He just didn’t know how. He thought he loved Helen just someone he could talk to which became more, because he didn’t know how to talk to me about it. I think most men really do love their partners. Yes, they need lots of great sex, but men are also genuine individuals, who prefer to have that sex with a woman whom they deeply love.

 

Brian’s affair might never have taken place had he maintained a close friendship with one or two of his buddies. He is a very outgoing and likeable guy, and I would have thought he had lots of friends. I suppose he did, but none of them was close enough to him to say, “Hey, buddy, you look a little down lately. What’s going on in your life? How are things with Anne?”

Brian: Are you wondering why I didn’t talk to a friend instead of to Helen? Well, not too many men I knew spoke highly enough of their wives for me to believe that they could give me sound advice about my relationship. It takes time and effort to find the right people and develop really close friendships with them. And I guess it’s not always that easy for us men to share our feelings. Then again, when I did spend time with my friends, I would come home only to be met with Anne’s complaints about my not having spent the time with her.

Anne: Brian and I had somehow forgotten that life needs to include fun and recreation. Often times in midlife, the demands can be overwhelming. We have aging parents on one end, unruly kids on the other, and our financial demands are the highest they’ll ever be. So we work, work, work, with hardly a moment to spare. And when we finally do get time off, we’re too tired to do anything, so we just sit in front of the TV and I would most evenings fall asleep on the sofa due to being exhausted. Brian and I now make it a priority in our lives to have fun. It’s not optional - it’s a necessity. We go places and do things we’ve never done before. We even eat in different restaurants to experience something new instead of just settling for the same old thing.

 

Was it easy to fix our devastated relationship? No, it was really hard work for both of us. It wasn’t all about going out to new restaurants; that’s for sure. One of the hardest parts for me was taking responsibility for my part in our relationship breakdown. Did I cause the affair? No. Did I deserve this? No. Still, my lack of knowledge about healthy communication contributed to this situation. What you don’t know definitely does hurt you.

Was the work we did worth the effort? You bet! I have talked to many individuals personally on both sides of the equation whose marriages were broken up over infidelity. In most cases both parties regret having reacted too quickly and not having put in an honest effort to work out their relationship. Several years removed from the emotions of the moment, the situation comes into perspective, and both parties see that they had genuinely loved each other and could really have worked it out after all.

The rewards have been great. We ended up with a better marriage. Brian had written a love letter that I can take out and read any time the painful memory of the affair comes back to haunt me.

 

Brian: We are able to put aside the problems of the moment and have fun together. We actually enjoy some sporting events together. We watch TV for laughs. It’s such a kick to take Anne out at night - she looks hotter now than when we first got first married.

Anne: Best of all, we enjoy real, honest, open communication with our best friends (each other), and we have hope for our future based on reality, not on a Cinderella fantasy.

 

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage, but by developing open, honest, respectful communication in your relationship, including the ability and commitment to give and receive constructive criticism, you will have a foundation on which all other differences can then be discussed and resolved. And when you are meeting the deepest needs of your spouse, and your spouse is meeting yours, you take away the opportunity for an outsider to come in and wreak havoc in your relationship.

[BetrayedH]

Good lord, Jack. I'm so sorry. Your story just never seems to let up.

[drifter777]

Marital Infidelity - It's Not About Sex!

One Couple Share Their Story

...

 

Lots of excellent points here and I agree with the vast majority of them. One thing that is simply not true is that "it's not about the sex". For men it's always about the sex. If it's the guy who does the cheating it was his burning desire for something strange, the chase, and the ultimate conquest. If it's the wife that does the cheating and they decide to attempt to reconcile, it will be the sex that the man will have the hardest time accepting. The thought that his wife was having all kinds of dirty, nasty sex with another man will torture him. Then, for good measure, the mind movies of her with OM will come crashing into his mind at random times further devastating his sense of worth and damaging efforts to reconcile.

 

For men, it's always about the sex. Women need to accept this fact and consider it if they want their husband to accept/forgive their cheating.

 

jack: horrible - I'm so sorry you are having to live through this. Lean on friends, pastor, counselor to help you get through this crisis.

[turnera]

I'm so sorry.

[underpants]

What a hot mess.

 

I read through all of this cray.

 

Are you sure, really sure, she was ever pregnant?

[AbeNormal]

...says every man in an affair...

 

Your kids have had their lives turned upside down, are blaming themselves for the loss of their home, and wonder if you even WANT them...but hey! Dad has a new mama coming around...maybe SHE will put us first, since HE is busy paying attention to HER.

 

This thread is oh so painful to read.

 

A man who is so "absolutely honourable" should not have to suffer through this.

 

And a wife – and mother – who does not even seem to care about her unborn children. So bizzare.

 

And yet I think – NOT. (As pertains to the mother.)

 

But perhaps I am just skeptical about an individual's online persona...

 

"She cheated, so now I cheat... - playground rules." "Dish it out in spades - and then some." "Make it hurt." And when it really hurts, then it is on her...

 

Is it not in you power/being to be compassionate at all?

 

(As a disclaimer, I really don't know your situation other than what you have written - which, based upon my experience, is likely not completely accurate.) Also, based upon my limited knowledge of human nature - I would guess that your wife's drinking binge was about her depression with this situation - and she was beating herself up big, big time (and now so even more as a result of what happened). If I am right, she did not mean that to take place - of course! - (and, in fact, she had absolutely no thought/knowledege that her behaviour would lead to that!!!!). She may simply have found herself at a precipice. Sorry - but where are you? Even if you don't want to be with this woman in the future, can you not help her now?

Edited July 3, 2013 by AbeNormal

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Even if you don't want to be with this woman in the future, can you not help her now?

 

Abe I'm not sure I can do what you ask.

 

After I found about the many instances of cheating I was devastated as anyone would be. I found it in myself to forgive her so that we could be civil enough to not effect the kids.

 

After I found out about the pregnancy and she was suffering dealing with that along with the separation I invited her back home (not back together) to help her and my unborn twins.

 

But how much help can you give a person? A man must draw a line somewhere and I think that I have reached my limit.

 

I don't think for a second that she premeditated what happened but nonetheless I am finding it hard to be compassionate towards her. It's akin to having some of my own killed by a drunk driver. While the driver may not have intended killing anyone the result is the same and I would struggle to forgive.

 

I do feel sorry for her and I don't like to see her suffer but all this has been bought on by herself. Whether depression played a part in her cheating ways is something for someone far more qualified than me. From where I am at, it doesn't really matter, the result is the same.

 

Whether depression played a part in her dealing with the marriage being over and the subsequent pregnancy again I don't know. Again the result is the same. Help was offered both on a personal and professional level but was refused so while I feel sympathy that she is dealing with depression I cannot feel sympathy for the actions.

 

Despite all that, I have taken it upon myself (along with her sister) to try one last time and get her into a place that will work through her issues with her. She is still refusing and I will not persist forever. I did have 19 great years of marriage (even if many may have been fake) and I do want to see her come through this. This is her journey though, I cannot be by her side while she battles through this.

[CarrieT]

Heartfelt condolences, Jack.

[Shocked Suzie]

So very sorry jack!

 

There are some people you can help and some that you can't ... You are doing the best you can with your ex under difficult circumstances. My life life since my ex left has been a busy/stressful whirlwind too... I often wonder what it will be like when it starts to settle.

 

Do what you can, your ex is very lucky to have your support and a future home... Hopefully she will wake up and see her fortune and how lucky she is to have anything left after what she has done!

 

Keep strong!

 

SS x

[BetrayedH]

Some people just need to hit rock bottom before they will pick themselves up and put their lives back together. And unfortunately, trying to soften the landing just slows down the process.

[Radu]

Some people just need to hit rock bottom before they will pick themselves up and put their lives back together. And unfortunately, trying to soften the landing just slows down the process.

 

This.

 

And also, you cannot pull someone out of a depression with kindness and help.

That will only increase their helplesness and provide no incentive for change.

I also don't believe she can change, considering her age.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Hi all

 

It been incredibly tough the last few weeks, I have been overwhelmed by what I have had to deal with but you just keep pushing through. As someone who had never been to a counsellor before all this happened and thought people who did go were weak I can now say they can be life savers.

 

There has been some big developments here. We managed to get my wife into a facility to help her deal with her demons. She has made remarkable progress in the short time she has been there. She has finally understood that we are through and there is no chance of reconciling, that is a load off my mind. More importantly, she is getting better.

 

Dealing with the loss of the twins was and still is hard. That's a work in progress but I have accepted that there is no point playing the blame game. They will never be forgotten.

 

My 16yo daughter is now sexually active. I am having a real hard time having all the relevant safe sex talks with her. I would prefer she wasn't active but I wont be able to stop it so I just have to make sure she is safe. The guy seems nice and treats her well, I still had to play the big tough dad and put a scare through him though .

 

Shopping for condoms with your 16yo daughter and having her tell you all about ribs and bumps and the taste of them etc is not a very pleasant experience let me tell you. I could not have done it again but thankfully she is now confidant enough to go herself next time. I told her that I hoped next time was along way away, there was no need to use them all straight away...... then we both got embarrassed and went and hid, lol. I never ever thought about having these conversations, this I guess was to be her mums job, but I would rather her feel that I am open and she can trust and talk to me than just going behind my back.

 

I have finished at my job. I was thinking about retiring but was a few years away from being able to afford it and then redundancy packages came up. I volunteered and received a very generous payout. I am now working part-time (school hours) in the local hardware store just to stay active. This makes me so happy that I wish I did this many years ago. Who knows, things might have turned out different.

 

I know it irks some here so I have refrained from mentioning it, but I am still seeing my boss (well, ex-boss now). She has been my rock, I don't think I would have made it through without her.

 

Life is looking good. All we have to do now is get my ex-wife back on her feet so she can be healthy and happy and share in raising our kids and then I can finally put this mess behind me and look to the future which is now looking a lot brighter than it did not so long ago.

 

I would also like to thank each and every one who took the time to post here. When I found this site I was a mess and angry. I have found that just knowing that strangers care does make a difference in many ways. I didn't always agree with what was being posted and some made me have a long hard look at myself but that was what was needed. There was plenty of good advice and understanding. In short, it helped... and what more could you ask? Thank you.

[BetrayedH]

Great post, Jack.

 

When you're at the bottom, it sure seems like things will never get better. But the truth is that there is no where to go but up. Glad to see that's happening for you.

[Sunny85]

So sorry for you!!

 

First I would like to really tell you: you are not the stupid one!

You are not the one who should blaming yourself for being a loving, caring husband and father!

 

This all has to do with her and her look on marriage and her seek for adventure and more attention from men!

 

There was nothing you could do to prevent it from happening, she probably would do it to other men too. Its in her nature for some reason to do this and to need more lovers... Ofcourse it's very unfaitfull, painfull and very very unfair to you!

 

I guess she does not live with her heart but only with her ego and her needs instead of seeing what she already had!! And not going for real love you gave to her!

 

Some people don't seem to want real love but only want to live to the fullest and they think they will miss out on things if they don't have more sexual experiences and partners. They think they will feel better after having sex with many people. But in the end that are left empthy handed cause they will get old and less attractive and then sex is not on their list anymore and they will be miserable cause they builded their future on sinking sand....

 

Best thing you can do now is try to be there for the kids and try to get to see them on a regular bases.

Try to rent a house or appartment, seek for help from a family or friend and don't be ashamed cause you did nothing wrong!

Good luck

[turnera]

Great update.

 

Can I make a suggestion about your DD16? I had this talk (well, many talks) with her and it really seemed to make a difference. I told her about the difference in men and boys. I told her that high school boys were for trying on (not physically!) to see what it's like to date. I told her that a high school boyfriend will almost NEVER last more than a few months, let alone become your husband. High school is for having fun, dating several guys at the same time, just going out on dates. I told her that getting serious about a high school boy is just signing up for torture, drama, lots of crying, and in the end, a wasted effort. So just have fun. Don't give it up for anyone you haven't been dating at least a few months - if they won't keep dating you if you don't put out, then they only wanted to screw you and then brag about it - don't make it that easy.

 

I told her that college guys (when SHE is in college too, not in high school!) are for getting more serious with, trying a monogamous relationship, seeing what it's like to be serious and see how different personalities get along over the long haul. But I told her even then, you've got bigger fish to fry. You have to finish your degree (and maybe advanced degrees), and picking a guy over finishing that degree is a mistake you'll pay for for the rest of your life - if he won't wait for you, if he won't let you take the time to study and get ahead in school, then he's just being selfish and you're just a tool for him. Don't sell yourself that short.

 

I told her that AFTER college is the best time to get really serious. Why? Because once you have your degree, you have no idea where you will be working. What if you decide you need to move to New York, or even London, to pursue your career? Will you give up that dream job because some guy at home says he won't go with you? Wait until your career is started and you're happy with your life (which does NOT mean happy with your love life, don't confuse the two) before you start looking around for marriage material.

 

So far, it's gone well. She dated a bunch of boys in high school, got close to having sex once but didn't go all the way. In college, she only dated 2 guys in 4 years, despite many others asking her out. She was too picky, lol. She just didn't have time for them - getting good grades was HER goal, not being someone's arm candy. She described with dismay how many friends just dumped everything once they got a boyfriend.

 

So basically I just helped her in the one area teens aren't good at - seeing the bigger picture. Keeping her eye on that long-term goal helped her make smarter decisions with the BOYS in high school - who she knew wouldn't even be around for long.

[AbeNormal]

Great post, Jack.

 

When you're at the bottom, it sure seems like things will never get better. But the truth is that there is no where to go but up. Glad to see that's happening for you.

 

Personally, I can't help but think about his wife - and her troubles - rather than simply about the drill seargent. I feel for them both.

 

I think he is now bordering on (or he feels he is bordering upon) "hero" for continuing - despite his pain - to help his wife.

 

I can't help but feel compassion for any person who is suffering - and the OP is not the only person suffering in this situation.

 

I wish them BOTH the best.

Edited July 26, 2013 by AbeNormal

[karnak]

Some people don't seem to want real love but only want to live to the fullest and they think they will miss out on things if they don't have more sexual experiences and partners. They think they will feel better after having sex with many people. But in the end that are left empthy handed cause they will get old and less attractive and then sex is not on their list anymore and they will be miserable cause they builded their future on sinking sand....

 

 

It's true. I know people like that (they're mostly 40/50+ now).

 

But, almost all that I know don't even have the brains to aknowledge what they did. It seems that as they get older they are completely messed-up in the head. So much that they can't even understand how they've ruined their lives.

 

It's weird. They may begin their lives living in a palace. But later, they end up living in a ruined shack, stuffed with alcohol and dope, and it's like they don't even notice what's happening and the world crumbling around them. This happens to men and women alike.

 

I know a woman who once had a good life. She cheated and was kicked out of the house.

One of her daughters was subjected to sexual abuse by one of her lovers. Yet she basically doesn't get it or soesn't care.

 

Scary and weird....

[jack_oneill_sg1]

BOYS in high school - who she knew wouldn't even be around for long.

 

They have been together for 2 years now. I think I may have posted earlier on in this thread about them. He was wanting to have sex and my daughter said no and then he cheated on her which he always denied. Well as it turns out the person that saw him and another girl together was just deliberately stirring trouble. The truth has come out now and he never cheated and they got straight back together. So besides a 6 weeks period when they were split they have been together two years.

 

He has wanted to progress the relationship but always respected my daughter saying no. Shes obviously ready now (although I'm not just yet). To look at the positive side, this is a nice boy who has been around for a long time, he treats her well, it could be a lot worse.

 

If I take my dad hat off for a moment I don't think he is in this relationship just for sex, I think he genuinely has strong feelings for my daughter. I would rather she stay a virgin but realistically it will happen sooner or later. Better with this boy than someone she met two hours earlier at some party.

 

I know they still haven't done it yet because my daughter was on the phone to him yesterday and the conversation revolved around I'm still not ready but soon. I wasn't deliberately listening in, she was out side talking right outside the study window while I was in there. I am glad she is waiting until she is ready and I respect him for not forcing the issue, I am not sure as a 17yo that I would have done the same.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Personally, I can't help but think about his wife - and her troubles - rather than simply about the drill seargent. I feel for them both.

 

I think he is now bordering on (or he feels he is bordering upon) "hero" for continuing - despite his pain - to help his wife.

 

I can't help but feel compassion for any person who is suffering - and the OP is not the only person suffering in this situation.

 

I wish them BOTH the best.

 

 

If you think I have a hero complex you are very mistaken.

 

I am helping my ex because she is the mother of my children. I still have feelings for her too, I can't just flick a switch and not care. I am not doing it looking for praise, I am doing it because it needs to be done.

 

To be honest I feel that I have failed in many areas. I didn't see my wifes betrayals and despite pretty much everyone saying it's not my fault I am finding it hard to shake that feeling.

 

I am devestated that I couldn't pick up on my wifes depression that the experts are telling may have been a trigger for this behaviour. If I had of realised this we could have sought treatment earlier and we may still be happily together.

 

I feel that through concentrating on work and providing a secure future for my family I have not been there for them. If I had of let go of the money and concentrated on my family my wife may not have did what she did. I missed many key moments in my kids growing up because of work. I feel guilty about that.

 

I am no hero, just an ordinary guy trying to atone for past mistakes. I will always be there for my kids now. I will see their concerts, I will see their sports etc. And I will always be their for my ex as well, we will never again be together but I wish her no harm. As long as she can accept that we can not ever be together again then I hope we can remain friends. Mental health is a very ugly thing, I don't consider it a get out of jail free card for her doing to me what she did but it does add context to the whole situation.

[AbeNormal]

If you think I have a hero complex you are very mistaken.

 

I am helping my ex because she is the mother of my children. I still have feelings for her too, I can't just flick a switch and not care. I am not doing it looking for praise, I am doing it because it needs to be done.

 

To be honest I feel that I have failed in many areas. I didn't see my wifes betrayals and despite pretty much everyone saying it's not my fault I am finding it hard to shake that feeling.

 

I am devestated that I couldn't pick up on my wifes depression that the experts are telling may have been a trigger for this behaviour. If I had of realised this we could have sought treatment earlier and we may still be happily together.

 

I feel that through concentrating on work and providing a secure future for my family I have not been there for them. If I had of let go of the money and concentrated on my family my wife may not have did what she did. I missed many key moments in my kids growing up because of work. I feel guilty about that.

 

I am no hero, just an ordinary guy trying to atone for past mistakes. I will always be there for my kids now. I will see their concerts, I will see their sports etc. And I will always be their for my ex as well, we will never again be together but I wish her no harm. As long as she can accept that we can not ever be together again then I hope we can remain friends. Mental health is a very ugly thing, I don't consider it a get out of jail free card for her doing to me what she did but it does add context to the whole situation.

 

Jack,

 

Your response is heart warming.

 

Ignore me (and please excuse my intrusion) - I'm just an idiot on the internet with my own troubles.

 

I wish you and your family the best. Still, I can't help but say, continue to help your wife for your children's sake - that's a very important thing you are doing - although I recognize it is very difficult given the pain you have suffered.

 

Sorry that my post was offensive. It actually wasn't meant to be such, but with my own "demons at hand" it's not surprising to me that it was. My apologies.

 

Continue to cherish your children, and continue to not "fracture" them from their mother. There is all sorts of pain in the world and, as I can tell from your post, you know that you need to protect (as much as possible) your children from experiencing that from within.

 

Again, my apologies.

Edited July 27, 2013 by AbeNormal

[turnera]

They have been together for 2 years now. I think I may have posted earlier on in this thread about them. He was wanting to have sex and my daughter said no and then he cheated on her which he always denied. Well as it turns out the person that saw him and another girl together was just deliberately stirring trouble. The truth has come out now and he never cheated and they got straight back together. So besides a 6 weeks period when they were split they have been together two years. He has wanted to progress the relationship but always respected my daughter saying no. Shes obviously ready now (although I'm not just yet). To look at the positive side, this is a nice boy who has been around for a long time, he treats her well, it could be a lot worse. If I take my dad hat off for a moment I don't think he is in this relationship just for sex, I think he genuinely has strong feelings for my daughter. I would rather she stay a virgin but realistically it will happen sooner or later. Better with this boy than someone she met two hours earlier at some party. I know they still haven't done it yet because my daughter was on the phone to him yesterday and the conversation revolved around I'm still not ready but soon. I wasn't deliberately listening in, she was out side talking right outside the study window while I was in there. I am glad she is waiting until she is ready and I respect him for not forcing the issue, I am not sure as a 17yo that I would have done the same.

Wow, that is very encouraging! I only know one boy in DD22's circle of friends who did that and you're right, it's very hard for a teenage boy nowadays to just wait. Who knows? They just may beat the odds!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I'm going to write a book, my story would have to sell. It would have to be in the fiction section though because no-one would believe all this could happen to one man.

 

I've just about had enough, it's just too hard to do alone. If it wasn't for my girlfriend (which I know everyone thought was a bad move) I would have lost it by now.

 

My daughter and her boyfriend became sexually active. I don't know where they normally go but my daughter was caught in public once and bought home by the police. A week later she went to a party and was again bought home by police, this time she was caught using drugs. I have already lost my wife, I can't lose my little girl.

 

I searched her room and found a huge bag of marijuana (thank god it was only that). I grounded her until she shows some maturity and respect. To rebel she stayed in her room and used a vibrator (or pretended to, I don't know) and screamed the house down. I have no idea how she even got one. She left it lying on her bed for all to see. How can I be expected to put up with that?

 

She keeps going out when I am not home, short of chaining her up I can't make this grounding work. She got home late the other night, absolutely drunk or stoned, she could barely walk. She had the most inappropriate clothes on that I fear what she was doing.

 

I went and saw her boyfriend to give him a piece of my mind but he said they have split. I did find out that they did eventually have sex, only once, and two days later he caught her with some other guy and dumped her. He was quite upset about it. He knows nothing about her ever using any drugs and has no knowledge of the sex in public incident. She has however been kissing other girls "because she knows the boys like it" according to him.

 

Last night while helping me clean my girlfriend found a pregnancy test in my daughters bathroom. This is just getting out of control. A month ago she was a virgin and asking her boyfriend to wait and now this.

 

Sorry for the rant. It's probably typical teenager stuff but it's just hard to accept that my daughter is doing these things and I am virtually powerless to stop her.

[road]

Get your DD to see an IC.

[BetrayedH]

Get your DD to see an IC.

 

Yep. Or do counseling together. Sometimes that's the safest place to open up. They know there will be no yelling, no screaming, and a third party to help spur communication between you. She needs you to hear her and you also meed to be heard. When forced to sit there for an hour, most will choose to communicate.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Yep. Or do counseling together. Sometimes that's the safest place to open up. They know there will be no yelling, no screaming, and a third party to help spur communication between you. She needs you to hear her and you also meed to be heard. When forced to sit there for an hour, most will choose to communicate.

 

She was seeing a counselor at one stage throughout this but she "is over her 5hit now" and doesn't need it. I still am seeing my counselor.

 

Getting her to go either alone or together is going to be almost impossible. I would have to literally drag her kicking and screaming into the car and then she would more than likely jump out at the first opportunity.

 

She has been very close to my sister-in-law but refuses to even speak to her now. She has "had enough of this dysfunctional family".

 

I'm really stuck, I don't know what to do. Her mother has done this too her, having so much respect for her rmum no doubt she feels just as betrayed as I do. She is acting out and I do understand her need to vent and heal in her own way but jumping in bed with many different guys and abusing alcohol and drugs is not the way to do it.

 

She is just turning into her mother. I took her phone the other night and went through it. It is scary reading. She has been with 3 different guys that I can work out and put on "a show" with another girl, I don't want to even think what that means. A month ago she was a virgin and telling her boyfriend to wait!

 

I'll be back here posting soon that she is pregnant, it would be just my luck. She is so intelligent and had her choice of whatever she wanted to do with her life and she is throwing it away because she wants to rebel. This isn't who she is but I can't get her to see that.

 

I was thinking of taking them all away somewhere, maybe Hawaii or something like that just to get them away from all the crap but I don't want to reward her for her actions. And I am not even sure she would want to come anyway.

 

I don't know, I'm lost, out of ideas. I feel like I just want to give up. it's just too much.