Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[BetrayedH]

She was seeing a counselor at one stage throughout this but she "is over her 5hit now" and doesn't need it. I still am seeing my counselor.

 

Getting her to go either alone or together is going to be almost impossible. I would have to literally drag her kicking and screaming into the car and then she would more than likely jump out at the first opportunity.

 

She has been very close to my sister-in-law but refuses to even speak to her now. She has "had enough of this dysfunctional family".

 

I'm really stuck, I don't know what to do. Her mother has done this too her, having so much respect for her rmum no doubt she feels just as betrayed as I do. She is acting out and I do understand her need to vent and heal in her own way but jumping in bed with many different guys and abusing alcohol and drugs is not the way to do it.

 

She is just turning into her mother. I took her phone the other night and went through it. It is scary reading. She has been with 3 different guys that I can work out and put on "a show" with another girl, I don't want to even think what that means. A month ago she was a virgin and telling her boyfriend to wait!

 

I'll be back here posting soon that she is pregnant, it would be just my luck. She is so intelligent and had her choice of whatever she wanted to do with her life and she is throwing it away because she wants to rebel. This isn't who she is but I can't get her to see that.

 

I was thinking of taking them all away somewhere, maybe Hawaii or something like that just to get them away from all the crap but I don't want to reward her for her actions. And I am not even sure she would want to come anyway.

 

I don't know, I'm lost, out of ideas. I feel like I just want to give up. it's just too much.

 

I feel for you. There's a lot of research showing that older kids handle divorces much worse than younger ones.

 

I kinda like the idea of an extended vacation. It will help get her out of that circle, at least briefly. I wouldn't worry about "rewarding" her for her behavior with it. Treat it as a separate issue. You all need a vacation, even if she doesn't want to go and pouts for most of it.

 

And I would still schedule and drag her to joint counseling. Stay call and rational and insist that you're just doing your job as a parent. Until she is on her own, there are some things she's going to have to do.

[2sunny]

You may want to consider taking her phone and computer away for a long while - at least until she earns it back by having better behavior.

 

Best not to allow her her privileged life while she's exhibiting the concerning behavior.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

You may want to consider taking her phone and computer away for a long while - at least until she earns it back by having better behavior.

 

Hi guys, back again.

 

Nothing good to report, just a bit down in the dumps at the moment. Need somewhere to vent a little.

 

I did take away her phone and computer. I drop her off and picked her up from school to make sure she comes straight home. None of it works, she just doesn't care. She sneaks out at night, she's smoking, drinking and doing drugs (only marijuana). She still has her boyfriend but is not faithful to him, he must know, she openly flaunts it.

 

I took them all to Hawaii for 10 nights. She managed to get arrested trying to buy drugs. We had been there 2 days!! I came home after a tour and she was in the room with 2 guys. I have no idea what went on but just the prospect scares the crap out of me. Short of locking her away I don't know how to stop this.

 

The one good thing is that she is still going to school and somehow her marks are still fantastic. She's always been a driven person and wanted to be best in her class, even with all her issues she is still maintaining that. I would love to give her credit for that but I can't be seen to be rewarding her other bad behavior.

 

Everyone else is getting better and learning to cope with this mess. My ex-wife has made tremendous leaps in her recovery. She has acknowledged she was at fault and apologized to me and it did seem sincere. She is living nearby and sees the kids regularly. She hasn't been able to get through to our daughter either.

 

My girlfriend (ex-boss) has been my rock. I really don't think I would be here today if she wasn't by my side. I hit some pretty bad dark times through this.

 

There's only one piece of the jigsaw left, my daughter, no matter how hard I try I just can't get it to fit.

[Sooverhim]

Hi guys, back again.

 

Nothing good to report, just a bit down in the dumps at the moment. Need somewhere to vent a little.

 

I did take away her phone and computer. I drop her off and picked her up from school to make sure she comes straight home. None of it works, she just doesn't care. She sneaks out at night, she's smoking, drinking and doing drugs (only marijuana). She still has her boyfriend but is not faithful to him, he must know, she openly flaunts it.

 

I took them all to Hawaii for 10 nights. She managed to get arrested trying to buy drugs. We had been there 2 days!! I came home after a tour and she was in the room with 2 guys. I have no idea what went on but just the prospect scares the crap out of me. Short of locking her away I don't know how to stop this.

 

The one good thing is that she is still going to school and somehow her marks are still fantastic. She's always been a driven person and wanted to be best in her class, even with all her issues she is still maintaining that. I would love to give her credit for that but I can't be seen to be rewarding her other bad behavior.

 

Everyone else is getting better and learning to cope with this mess. My ex-wife has made tremendous leaps in her recovery. She has acknowledged she was at fault and apologized to me and it did seem sincere. She is living nearby and sees the kids regularly. She hasn't been able to get through to our daughter either.

 

My girlfriend (ex-boss) has been my rock. I really don't think I would be here today if she wasn't by my side. I hit some pretty bad dark times through this.

 

There's only one piece of the jigsaw left, my daughter, no matter how hard I try I just can't get it to fit.

 

Thanks for the update Jack, I'm sorry your daughter is still going through this rebellious stage, it sounds like you are doing absolutely everything you physically can to try and help her. But, there is only so much we can do and it is up to the individual what choices they make.

 

It is good to see so much positive news in your post ... it's fantastic that your daughter is still doing so well at school, and I do think it's good for you to acknowledge that fact to your daughter, you would not be rewarding her bad behaviour by doing so. It sounds as though deep down your daughter does have her head screwed on and she will do well.

 

And it's great to hear that your ex wife is doing so well, and that you are happy with your girlfriend and that you have that support.

 

Teenagers are tough, I am finding my 17 year old son difficult to handle too, as is my H ... I never imagined having kids would be this hard. Hopefully though we will all come out the other side once these rebellious, defiant, moody and obnoxious years are over.

[turnera]

By this stage, all you can do is not enable it. Flat rules, you do this, you get this done back. No deviation. If you get arrested, be prepared to spend the night in jail, cos your mom and I will not bail you out. That kind of stuff. She'll have to figure it out on her own that the consequences outweigh the fun.

[turnera]

Look up authoritative parenting, too.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Well I'm back with what will probably be my last update, I'm just using this as part of the healing process so please understand if a waffle on a bit.

 

My ex-wife took the cowards way out and committed suicide. That was tough to deal with, especially seeing the kids deal with it. I was even a suspect for a time with the police not believing the note that was left. It probably didn't help that I was the one who found her.

 

My eldest daughter has come good. Despite her rebellious ways her grades always remained good and she has been accepted into university. She is still too promiscuous for my liking but she is steadfastly committed to her studies so I cut her a little more slack than I probably should. She still drinks and smokes pot but I guess what teenagers don't these days? I don't condone it and she respects that and does not do it in my home. Baby steps are the way to go here.

 

My other kids have a long way to go after losing there mother but they're getting there.

 

And then there's my rock. Many criticised me for starting a relationship so soon. She has been the only thing that got me through this. There were many dark days and many times when I just wanted to give up. I only kept going for my kids but I'm not sure I could have even done that without her. I owe her a lot. We are not yet living together and taking it slow and basically letting the kids call the shots on this one. They have asked when dad's girlfriend is going to live with us so I guess it wont be long now.

 

I have gained some incredible friends through this, especially some who shared my pain when my wife cheated with their partners.

 

It's been a rough (nearly) a year but the light at the end of the tunnel seems closer right now and these forums played no small part in that. Those first few days when I was angry and vulnerable could have been a lot worse had I not found this place. I was sitting there with a razor in my hand at one stage when a certain person (who I will not name) posted something positive that gave me hope. I genuinely thank each and every one of you, even those I didn't really agree with.

 

So I guess my story shows that no matter how bad it looks in the initial stages you can come through the other side a happier and better person surrounded by better people.

 

I'll check back in a few days in case anyone has any questions that I may not have addressed. If not, then again, thank you all so very much.

[aliveagain]

I hope you have finally found happiness, wishing you both the best.

[turnera]

I'm so sorry. But glad you have a brighter future.

[harrybrown]

So sorry for your and your children's loss. Glad that the police got the truth, and hope that someday you and your family have some real happiness.

[excusememister]

Jack,

This stinks - people are so reckless; was she even born with a conscious? I am deeply sorry for you and your children.

 

You have been given some great advice here.

 

May the force be with you!

[No Limit]

This is actually the first LS post that has left me speechless.

 

Read your whole thread and I won't even bother asking you what she wrote in her last message, I guess what someone committing suicide has running through their heads is beyond us all; but still, R.I.P. to your unborn twins.

 

I've been spending a lot of time here lately trying to distract myself from a cheater-soon-to-be-dead-situation I'm experiencing irl as of now. While I'm only involved as third party, it's still a story which we'd usually believe to only exist in movies or novels.

 

Seeing that it has helped you to talk/write about it, I think I'll give it a shot too, later.

 

Best wishes to your future, you're probably among the best father world rankings by now.

Edited February 18, 2014 by No Limit

[10thengineerharrison]

I'm so sorry to hear this update, Jack. I guess we all hoped that she would pull herself together and be a better mom to your kids.

 

Take care,

-10th Engineer Harrison

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I thought I'd once again come back to my favourite forum that has been my rock during tough times to share some happy news.

 

My children have fully embraced my girlfriend and although we are all still healing (and that will probably always be the case) we are a happy and tight family unit.

 

At the request of my kids we got engaged and recently married on the beach in Vanuatu in front of a few close friends and family.

 

I sometimes feel guilty saying this but I am as happy as I have ever been. And more importantly my kids seem happy and content as well.

 

I don't really have much more to add, I just wanted to share my happy news.

[TobyBoy]

Congratulations!!

[CarrieT]

Jack, this is really, really great news!

 

I know how hard this whole drama has been on you and I'm glad you came back to report that things have turned around for you.

 

It is a testament that even through the darkest times, some good can be attained if one perseveres.

[harrybrown]

Thank you for the update.

 

So glad that you are there for your kids. Hope you continue to find peace and happiness for your entire family. Good that you and your now wife are doing so well.

 

She sounds like a keeper.

[Clay]

Congrats. I hope you will keep this thread up to help other people. You have definitely been a example of how to move on in a positive light.

 

Sounds like your New Year started out great

 

 

Clay

[No Limit]

A story like from a Hollywood movie - and thankfully, like most movies, you got a happy end too. Best wishes for your future!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

So I thought I'd show my wife the well wishes here, and thanks very much for them all, and while reading them she tells me that I probably should share some even better news.

 

I had no idea and then she holds up a positive pregnancy test :D

 

I was in such a bad place not so long ago seriously considering whether going through the pain was worth it, I was really close at one stage. Look at me now, wonderful kids, wonderful wife, wonderful life.

[happyman64]

Congrats Jack!

 

I think a new baby is a good thing.

 

How is your oldest making out in University?

 

Has she calmed down?

 

HM

[Doublegold]

Well played Jack, well played.

 

This story is just....unbelievable.

[beach]

Congrats! It's good to hear that life does move forward and gets better as things move along!

[CarrieT]

I had no idea and then she holds up a positive pregnancy test :D

Wow. Just wow.

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[jack_oneill_sg1]

How is your oldest making out in University?

Has she calmed down?

 

I wish I could have been more influential here but unfortunately not. She is the model student and excelling at university, she has found herself a part-time job in her chosen field and they were so impressed they are paying her way through school.

 

However outside of that she is the ultimate party animal. She drinks, but unfortunately it's all binge drinking on weekends and that leads to questionable decision making. At least she has given up the drugs.

 

She has a boyfriend but they are not monogamous at all. I banned her from bringing other guys home and so she started bringing other women home. It's pretty distressing waking up in the morning to find a half-naked young women walking around my house believe me. I tried to stop that as well but she threatened to move out, I guess you could say we are still in discussions about that.

 

It's really hard to know what to do, she has very successfully separated her education and her social life which I do applaud her for. My concern is that an unwanted broken condom could lead to life changing ramifications but she just doesn't want to see it. Even the absence of that if she is not discrete and these stories get out it could affect her future career. It doesn't matter that she is incredibly smart if she has a reputation it will affect her.

 

But she is a young woman finding her way after some enormous stress and I am her father, I just don't get listened to. All I can do is continue to love and support her and pick up the pieces if I ever have to (but really hoping that it never comes to that).