Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[GorillaTheater]

Fight for at least 50/50 custody, Jack. Win or lose, be able to look your kids in the eye knowing you fought for them as hard as you could.

 

How about the wives of this legion of "men"? Have you told any of them?

 

Check out Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com. Great forum, and they specialize in dealing with legal issues, particularly custody.

[Darren Steez]

You the time away to clear your head and formulate strategy moving forward.

 

Right now believe it or not the advantage is on your side. The fantasy world she built up around herself is crumbling around her, the years of lying, the thrill of getting away with it, all while she had a nice comfortable life, all that has gone, nothing will be the same for her again.

 

You got right on your side. Use it wisely. But most of all, you go back to your home, that is your house and as the man of the household you owe it to your kids and steady the ship before the storm breaks.

 

Don't worry about the neighbors or town..if you handle yourself and this situation swiftly and decisively, your actions will speak louder than any gossip.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Thanks for all the encouragement.

 

A meeting with a leading divorce lawyer is organised for Monday so we are set on that front. From the preliminary phone conversation and anecdotal evidence from others my situation is not great.

 

The house, the cars, in fact everything are in my name purchased by me (she earnt no money). Mine was the only income, my superannuation is the only savings for the future, the share portfolio we have is mine. All that is actually a problem. As she was the housemaker while I was the breadwinner she gets half of all that (as a basic rule, there are a few anomalies). On a quick calculation I have to pay off the house and then give it to her debt free for me to keep everything else. Otherwise we sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50 but then she gets half my superannuation, half my share portfolio etc.

 

On a more positive not, if you can call it that, I met with my sister-in-law this morning. It seems that my wife has been shunned by pretty much everyone and everyone is concerned about me and wants me back (I can honestly say that is a weight off my mind). All the other spouses now know (word spreads quick) and it looks like there will be a lot a break ups coming soon. I think a counselor in an our might be able to finance there retirement off the back of this.

 

It also seems (if I can believe it) that her indiscretions are not as bad as I had thought. First off the reasons I or the kids never suspected was that it only ever happened when I was out of town and never in our home.

 

It also seems that there were 11 people (that she is admitting to) and 7 of those were women. That might not mean much to some but it does make me feel a bit better. I am not saying that diminishes any responsibility but it is a far sight better than 11 men.

 

The four men were our next door neighbour which had/has been going on for 10 years. He even got divorced and then found and married a new wife in this time, her two friends husbands (one for the last 3 years and the other lasted about a year 6 odd years ago), I really don't get that, I don't get how that is even possible and her personal trainer.

 

Anyway, through her sister she is begging me to come back home. I normally wouldn't consider it but it seems a universal opinion that I do move back home so I am just weighing that up at the moment. I have no intention of reconciling, but I think I need to do it for the kids.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I would be wary of what the SIL is telling you

 

I have a wonderful relationship with my SIL, she would not lie to me, I have no doubt in that. Of course that doesn't mean that the information she has been given is true.

 

My wife has sent me an email professing her undying love and sorrow about what has happened. Frankly, it just made me feel ill. Reading the words knowing that they are all lies just makes me feel sad for her. Of course maybe it is all true and she really is sorry, but it's all too little too late.

 

I am going to move back home, I have been painted into a corner by circumstance. My 15yo refuses to live with her mother. She had ran away and was staying at my SIL's. I am just going to have to suck it up and do what is right for the kids for the next little bit. I just don't know how I am going to go seeing her face and hearing the bull**** she is likely to spin. I am not a violent man but I do have my limits and I am very close right now.

 

And I think seeing my next door neighbour is not going to go well. 10 YEARS !!! I must have had my head in a bucket of sand.

[Spark1111]

I would go back home on the condition she go to her sisters so you can think about what you want to do in the comfort of your home with your children. I would not tell her one way or the other if I wanted to R. Let her sweat it out.

 

You need to decide if you want to fight for custody of your children or leave them in the care of this morally bankrupt woman. If you want to fight for custody tell your lawyer that. He works for you. If he cant do it, find one who can.

 

I would be wary of what the SIL is telling you if this info is coming from your W. Cheaters lie. You can be sure some of what SIL told you is a lie and it is not the whole truth.

 

I dont know why the women make you feel better but ok. Its still a betrayal. And, who was supervising your kids while this went on?

 

I would still speak to the other spouses even though they know......and again are you sure of this or is this info your W wants you to believe passed through SIL to keep you from comparing notes with them?

 

Blondie

 

I'm with Blondie. the first things cheaters do is minimize, lie and omit when caught, especially to a trusted family member, who will call you up crying because they are truly distraught over the situation.

 

I lived this. MY SIL called up crying with the most white-washed version AS TOLD TO HER by my H,that you could ever imagine. I would learn the full truth, indri bs and drabs....over months; cell phone record, emails, computer hacking, close scrutiny of bank statements, etc.

 

He was manipulating her too, to avoid consequences, to get his status quo back, to preserve his reality as he had known it and to not be such a bad guy.

 

I went home. I threw him out. he moved in with his sister for awhile. Fine by me.

 

So women are less of a threat to you? If she knows this about you, it may very well NOT be true. Tread carefully here when ascertaining the truth.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I am going to move back home, I have been painted into a corner by circumstance. My 15yo refuses to live with her mother. She had ran away and was staying at my SIL's. I am just going to have to suck it up and do what is right for the kids for the next little bit. I just don't know how I am going to go seeing her face and hearing the bull**** she is likely to spin

 

Moving home is tough in this situation. Very. You should read about NC. No contact. NC in your situation is a lot different but a simulation of it is possible. Go home but don't talk to her about anything except what you have to. Kids, money, etc. if something strays into less than vital communication, be polite, but say, "this is conversation, or this is small talk, and I'm not doing that with you." Don't even look her in the eyes. If you do it gives her strength and sends the wrong signal. Look away even when talking to her about whatever it is that cant be avoided. You are too good to look her in the eyes. She is not worthy. She is not worthy to discuss the weather or the latest sports scores with. Shun her as much as you can. But be polite!

[Act Two]

I have yet to see anything to the contrary.

 

If the mother wants custody, she WILL get it.

 

Only way he will be able to get custody is if she doesn't want custody, agrees to 50/50 custody, or he has something tangible on her in the illegal realm.

 

 

 

 

Now THAT MIGHT be one way to get custody. But first he has to prove it, and second, it will be a matter of opinion as to what is considered a steady stream.

Don't get me wrong, I wish for nothing more than a way us fathers can get custody over a wh0re of a mother. But the courts just don't care.

 

I've had this argument with you before, and I don't want to t/j, but you are really wrong in this and spreading false information. DEPENDING on where you live, many fathers automatically get 50/50 custody as courts are becoming much more concerned with fathers' rights.

 

I know you got screwed over custody-wise and I'm sorry for that, but stop telling dads they won't get custody.

 

In many places (and certainly where I do and was told this by two attorneys), fathers and mothers do joint custody unless there is a mitigating reason (like drugs, psychological issues, etc.) with one parent.

 

Back to the OP, I definitely don't think you should roll over and let her have the kids. It's usually in the best interest of children to have equal access to both parents where possible.

[BetrayedH]

Nofool got screwed good. And his scenario is a risk for you.

 

You're getting a lot of legal advice. A lot of it is good but some of it is worth less than the paper it's printed on. I'll give you my own as well but as many have stressed, it's your attorney that will likely have the best advice for your situation. I don't think you need to change much of anything before you speak with him. Good luck with your appt. This thread may help you make a good list of questions.

 

In my case (I live in Florida), I probably could have had greater than 50% custody and some alimony. My wife had one affair partner for just over a year but used marital funds for 60-70 hotel stays, had my children at the OM's home, had sex with him in my home on the couch while my children slept, and had a threesome with a prostitute. And I had evidence of all of that, most of it written by my wife. She was also afraid of widespread exposure. It was going to be hard for her to make a case in front of a judge. Keep your evidence. But going to court is very expensive and you run the very simple risk of spending it and getting a judge that screws you worse than a settlement would. I got 50/50 and a small child support stipend because my wife made more and it's a legally required formula.

 

In my case, setting a precedent for 50/50 was crucial. I demanded a 50/50 arrangement with my wife all thru the separation, made it successful for the children, and judges are not apt to modify a plan that is working for the children. You need to make a decision about how important this particular job is to you.

 

As for you moving out, it probably wasn't the smartest move but can be rectified without much harm provided that you do so somewhat quickly. In some cases, waywards have successfully painted their departing betrayed spouse as having "abandoned" them and the children. It's also just "right" for your wife to be the one to leave if you can't manage an in-home separation.

 

There's myraid more things I could say. As Spark mentioned, take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Most of us lost enormous amounts of sleep and weight; I lost 38 lbs. And don't blame yourself. I was with my wife for 19 years, two children, nice home and life - and I didn't see it coming either. You have a lot of company in that department. It can and will feel overwhelming but you can make it thru this to a much better place. Try to make decisions with your head instead of emotions as much as possible. You'll learn as you go.

 

Good luck and keep posting. You sound like a strong, smart guy to me. We'll help you out.

[2sunny]

Some things will help you get custody of your kids.

 

First - ASK for custody!!! Next - present evidence that helps you get the custody you're asking for!

 

If you need to - set up care for your kids now (since you my still work long hours). Get people to help you by asking for the help you need!

 

 

I agree with getting back to your home! She's cheated = she should be the one to move!

 

And her e-mail = pffft! She's just sorry she got caught - and she's hoping she can continue her lifestyle while you foot her bills. No need to look back - only look forward by taking action to eliminate her trashy a$$ from your daily life.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Well I thought it would be good to get out of the house. I have sporting commitments on Thursdays so I thought I would go. Big mistake!

 

The wife of one of the guys my wife slept with attacked me. And she really went for it, screaming, slapping, punching, scratching….. why me? Apparently it’s my fault I couldn’t control my wife… It was her best friend and she didn’t know, why would I?

 

I get she’s had a kick in the guts just like I have and she’s dealing with some real emotional stuff right now but that’s not what I needed. I was hoping we could bounce off each other a bit while dealing with this but that doesn’t look likely.

 

Anyway from some more rational people I spoke to while out I have found out a little more. I don’t want to downplay the situation or for anyone to think I am sticking up for her but I had the impression it was a very regular thing she did, apparently it was rather infrequent, over a long period of time but very few and far between. That’s of course if you consider 11 different people “very few” which I certainly don’t.

 

Anyway my wife has stated to more than one person that she wants me back and is prepared to do whatever it takes. She has already organized a counseling session that she wants me to attend with her, I wont be going.

 

She has asked me through friends to move back home. Now that puts me in a bind because I had already decided I would move back but now it looks like I am doing it because she asked. I have asked them to relay back to her that I want her to move out.

 

She has offered to take a lie detector test. I wouldn’t even know where to start finding one of those or if they are even accurate. She has said if we can’t work it out she wants the split as pain free and amicable as possible so a least she is understanding that that is a reality.

 

She had left voice messages and emails to the effect of above but she got her friends to tell me because she doesn’t think I am listening to or reading them. I have no desire to discuss any of this with her at the moment. I want to see some real remorse before I even consider a dialogue between us. At the moment it just stinks of damage control to me.

[todreaminblue]

I guess the title says it all. I am the classic naive guy who thought everything was great. Great wife, great family, great sex life… you know the drill.

 

I just found out that I am the laughing stock of our area. While I am out working hard to provide my wife is home playing housemaker….and slut.

 

The next door neighbor, her trainer, two of her best friends husbands, one of our kids teachers, heck it might be easier to list the ones she hasn’t slept with.

 

I’ve left, moved out, my life in tatters. I’m scared for my kids now this has all come out. I’m embarrassed to face my family and friends.

 

I don’t even know why. She herself says everything was great. Well I do know a reason if you can call it that, she says she just likes variety. Well that’s just great, 19 years of marriage, 4 wonderful kids, a bright future all gone in a flash.

 

I’ll give her credit though, once caught she didn’t try and hide it, she didn’t spare my feelings, she told me it all. Well I hope all, I couldn’t take any more. Ten years this has been going on, ten years I have been a fool, ten years some of these people have been friends and looked me in the eye every day.

 

So what do I do now? Living in a hotel, being a recluse, no friends, no one I can trust. She has the kids, she’ll get the house, she’ll get part of my paycheck and she’ll keep being a slut. I did nothing wrong and I lose everything!

 

It just doesn’t pay to be the nice guy. I mean over the years I’ve had opportunities but always knocked them back because I was a loving, caring, trustworthy guy. And while I’m away on a business trip knocking back advances from my secretary she’s at home ****ing any one of a dozen people. What sort of a fool was I?

 

So first I get tested for diseases from the dirty slut. Then a paternity test for all the kids. Then fight tooth and nail to keep whatever I can from her.

 

Anything else?

 

 

dont go around calling the mother of your "maybe" children a dirty slut........that might just come back to haunt you....she did the wrong thing.....doesnt mean you should become vindictive, vicious or bad mouth her to the children ...age appropriate is true....be mature in what you say and do..........have some integrity that she didnt show...you...you show integrity...and show your maybe kids grace under fire and the courts....if there is a custody battle.....who do you think may gain custody???? being an unfit mother is what you have to prove trust me its goign to be a battle....you have to also prove that you are the best parent for the job...lose the dirty slut reference in your vocab...have daughters do you?.who knows when it might surface to taint a viewpoint in the court room........you are in for a battle my friend......if you go into a battle angry....you have already lost.......best wishes.....deb

Edited April 4, 2013 by todreaminblue

[dreamingoftigers]

dont go around calling the mother of your "maybe" children a dirty slut........that might just come back to haunt you....she did the wrong thing.....doesnt mean you should become vindictive, vicious or bad mouth her to the children ...age appropriate is true....be mature in what you say and do..........have some integrity that she didnt show...you...you show integrity...and show your maybe kids grace under fire and the courts....if there is a custody battle.....who do you think may gain custody???? being an unfit mother is what you have to prove trust me its goign to be a battle....you have to also prove that you are the best parent for the job...lose the dirty slut reference in your vocab...have daughters do you?.who knows when it might surface to taint a viewpoint in the court room........you are in for a battle my friend......if you go into a battle angry....you have already lost.......best wishes.....deb

 

Call her whatever you want here.

 

I'll call her it too!

 

That's awful about her best friend attacking you!

So messed up!

 

It might be helpful to go on an anti-depressant temporarily.

Watch your diet and the exercise helps SOOOO much.

As well as a sleep aid.

 

I had trouble sleeping for over a year.

I too lost a lot of weight.

But I am obese anyway.

My is husband is a serial cheat much like your wife. A couple more Ddays and I should be able to fit into my high school jeans.

 

Good for you for lawyering up quickly and not sitting on the fence.

Fight tooth and nail for the kids. Seems that 15 yo will back you 100% too. The sibs will notice.

 

I lost my business due to the stress etc. But losing my business gave me the opportunity to go back to school to pursue my actual dream, which it turns our I can achieve.

 

But right now you'll probably be reeling so hard that you'll only be seeing losses for awhile.

 

That WILL change. The Sun is still there, it will come up again. Despite how stormy it is today.

[Spark1111]

Well I thought it would be good to get out of the house. I have sporting commitments on Thursdays so I thought I would go. Big mistake!

 

The wife of one of the guys my wife slept with attacked me. And she really went for it, screaming, slapping, punching, scratching….. why me? Apparently it’s my fault I couldn’t control my wife… It was her best friend and she didn’t know, why would I?

 

I get she’s had a kick in the guts just like I have and she’s dealing with some real emotional stuff right now but that’s not what I needed. I was hoping we could bounce off each other a bit while dealing with this but that doesn’t look likely.

 

Anyway from some more rational people I spoke to while out I have found out a little more. I don’t want to downplay the situation or for anyone to think I am sticking up for her but I had the impression it was a very regular thing she did, apparently it was rather infrequent, over a long period of time but very few and far between. That’s of course if you consider 11 different people “very few” which I certainly don’t.

 

Anyway my wife has stated to more than one person that she wants me back and is prepared to do whatever it takes. She has already organized a counseling session that she wants me to attend with her, I wont be going.

 

She has asked me through friends to move back home. Now that puts me in a bind because I had already decided I would move back but now it looks like I am doing it because she asked. I have asked them to relay back to her that I want her to move out.

 

She has offered to take a lie detector test. I wouldn’t even know where to start finding one of those or if they are even accurate. She has said if we can’t work it out she wants the split as pain free and amicable as possible so a least she is understanding that that is a reality.

 

She had left voice messages and emails to the effect of above but she got her friends to tell me because she doesn’t think I am listening to or reading them. I have no desire to discuss any of this with her at the moment. I want to see some real remorse before I even consider a dialogue between us. At the moment it just stinks of damage control to me.

 

Jack, you were attacked? Are you serious? Did that BS think you knew and didn't care?

 

WTH is, or was, being spun about you and your marriage by your stbxW?

 

Was HE TOLD you had an open marriage?

 

This is why everyone has to sit down together and calmly unfold the truth.

 

Next time, call the police. That was completely uncalled for. Why, or why, did she attack you?

 

Something smells really fishy here. What did her WS TELL HER?

 

Probably NOT the truth.

[beenburned]

jack,

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!!

 

I think you will feel a lot better after you see the lawyer on Monday. My D had an excellent lawyer and got almost everything she asked for in her divorce.

 

You really need to be there for your children, even though you are in a lot of pain right now.

 

Keep us updated, as we have all been through exactly what you are going through!

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Anyway my wife has stated to more than one person that she wants me back and is prepared to do whatever it takes.

 

This is good if she really is willing to do whatever then tell her to move out. I've heard stories here about way wards caught that did that just to prove they're serious. Even with no assurance of a chance to reconcile. One wife even signed over her rights to the equity in the family home to prove she was sorry and that wanting the H back was not about money.

 

She has offered to take a lie detector test. I wouldn’t even know where to start finding one of those or if they are even accurate. She has said if we can’t work it out she wants the split as pain free and amicable as possible so a least she is understanding that that is a reality.

 

Lie detector services are available in any major city. Easy to find. Not expensive. But why bother if there is no chance of recon? If you change your mind about recon, then think about it.

 

If she wants to be amicable, she should move out.

[Spark1111]

Really? Wow, thats some misdirected anger there. Why isn't she attacking your wife and her husband. But you? I don't get it.

 

Me neither....something smells Rotten in Jack's world. those two are lying like crazy, IMO.

 

time to go home Jack, and start setting the record straight.

 

last thing you need right now are tall tales that could potentially damage your reputation.

 

You have children to think of.

[Act Two]

 

 

 

Ask any attorney and they'll tell you that you have to have the mother declared unfit. All I'm saying is that infidelity doesn't declare a mother unfit.

It should, but it doesn't.

 

I'm not telling him he won't get custody. But he has to have something tangible on her.

 

 

I just posted and I told you that two attorneys advised me that 50/50 is automatically given.

 

We really should stop giving legal advice (and when I mean "we" I mean you too!) because legal decisions vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

 

The main point is that the trend is moving away from what you are talking about and experienced, fortunately for good dads.

[Darren Steez]

Jack you have the upper hand here. Use it wisely.

 

I mentioned in a past post that her world is crumbling, she is no longer in control. Imagine all the stuff she was doing, the secret planning, talking to other men, the thrill of meeting them and having sex behind your back, then coming home and playing happy families, all the while knowing what she was doing.

 

It doesn't matter what people say, if you're moving home because she said so or of your own volition. What matters is how you deal with her and this situation, and never appearing weak. That's why I said the time away from the house is ideal so you can sort your head out and formulate plans without the distractions.

 

I'm not really sure why she's booking counselling sessions, maybe it's a ploy to establish the lost control, maybe more likely you're her only anchor as the community will probably see her as a pariah. As you said there are some angry wives out there, the gossip and fall out will only intensify.

 

What exactly is your strategy? What are your thoughts moving forwards?

If you're going to move in I suggest you kick her out the house. It will not do your children any good to witness the two of you fighting.

[todreaminblue]

Call her whatever you want here.

 

I'll call her it too!

 

That's awful about her best friend attacking you!

So messed up!

 

It might be helpful to go on an anti-depressant temporarily.

Watch your diet and the exercise helps SOOOO much.

As well as a sleep aid.

 

I had trouble sleeping for over a year.

I too lost a lot of weight.

But I am obese anyway.

My is husband is a serial cheat much like your wife. A couple more Ddays and I should be able to fit into my high school jeans.

 

Good for you for lawyering up quickly and not sitting on the fence.

Fight tooth and nail for the kids. Seems that 15 yo will back you 100% too. The sibs will notice.

 

I lost my business due to the stress etc. But losing my business gave me the opportunity to go back to school to pursue my actual dream, which it turns our I can achieve.

 

But right now you'll probably be reeling so hard that you'll only be seeing losses for awhile.

 

That WILL change. The Sun is still there, it will come up again. Despite how stormy it is today.

 

 

 

I gave my opinion as far as the children go, on that train of thought, if he wants custody, posting the mother of my children is a dirty slut on a publicly viewed forum is not such a good idea......

 

 

 

 

 

i had a cheating partner.......serial and i have full custody of my children because i had integrity at the break up,and the ability to rationalize with my ex, I didnt have to go to court, just said a few choice things that made him see he would be in for a hell of a fight if he so chose to take me to court, my advice was sound and i was thinking of the op when i wrote it...the op is hurting, and i feel for him been there......different circumstances but involved cheating....he can shout out all the names he wants, they do have a habit of biting you when you least expect it, you yourself can call her a dirty slut, but you are only hearing one side of the story, the court will hear both sides and draw a summation on those sides, the op staying calm and laying off trading insults and thinking of his kids is in my opinion the best way to go.....even though he has every right to hurl names......its not actually right if he does it....the end result is what he has to look at which is a possible court case to gain as much time to see his kids as he can get if not full custody...if it comes down to visitation, slandering the mother of his children on a public forum could harm him.....i see your side of what you posted dreamingtigers...i have a right to my opinion and to share it.....if he ignores my advice thats his choice not yours....deb

[AlexDP]

I gave my opinion as far as the children go, on that train of thought, if he wants custody, posting the mother of my children is a dirty slut on a publicly viewed forum is not such a good idea......

 

 

What he calls her here will make zero difference in court. ZERO.

 

It's important that he gets a good divorce lawyer. Someone who is specialized in this sort of thing. I see people who go with a cheap lawyer or a lawyer they know (but who doesn't specialise in the matter at hand) and trust me, if the case is 50/50 they will lose. Perhaps you wouldn't expect it to, but a good lawyer makes a LOT of difference.

 

I know I'm sort of marketing myself, but that's also why I'd never do this sort of thing: my knowledge about this stuff is basic at best.

[thefooloftheyear]

Sure, if both agree. If one doesn't agree and fights it, then it isn't going to be automatically given.

 

And in the event that it is automatically given without any say from either parent, then I'm moving to that state. Cuz I know for a fact in Illinois, it doesn't work like that.

 

 

 

I aint seein' it.

 

From my understanding, no fault states do not take into account infidelity when dividing assets.. No one has ever been arrested for being unfaithful or promiscuous. Its a non issue. Now I am not sure how that plays into child custody, though...

 

OP, I feel for you.. I cant imagine how you must feel..

 

TFOY

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Really? Wow, thats some misdirected anger there. Why isn't she attacking your wife and her husband. But you? I don't get it.

 

It's been a rather rough night, not much sleep, plenty of visitors, but productive too.

 

The woman that attacked me visited to apologise. She doesn't blame me, it's just that I was there and was the first person she had seen who is involved in the whole debacle since she found out. We sat and cried together for a long time. Her marriage is over as well. Her husband has told her it has been going on for the last three years which ties in with what I have been told. He also says it was only 3-4 times a year which again ties in with what I have been told about the frequency of these encounters.

 

I am actually very worried about her, she is very unstable. At one point she suggested that we sleep together because "that will show them". I obviously declined but I just hope she doesn't do something stupid with someone else out of some twisted idea of revenge.

 

My daughter also visited and she is angry, and I mean very angry toward her mother. There is a bit of a back story to this, my daughter split from her boyfriend of over a year a few months ago because he cheated after she refused to start a sexual relationship with him (good girl). The conversation that followed between her and her mother has come back to bite my wife. My wife told her that cheating is unacceptable, there are no second chances etc etc etc. My daughter took all this on board and split from her boyfriend and now expects nothing less from her mother. I really feel for my daughter, apart from everything else she has also lost her role model. She has asked me to come back home so she can as well. I cannot refuse that.

 

I will be moving back home tonight and thankfully my SIL has convinced my wife to move out so she will be living with her sister for the time being. My wife has found out that she no longer has access to our bank accounts or cards. She understands why but has asked for an "allowance" so she can live. All this is being relayed through my SIL at the moment, I have not spoken a word to my wife since that night. They are family assets so I don't think I should refuse this? Any opinions?

 

My two best mates came over with some food and a few drinks. They wanted to make sure I was looking after myself and said they will be by my side wherever that may lead. They both swear they had no idea and never heard any rumors about what my wife was doing. I have also received an enormous amount of emails and messages expressing and offering support. It seems I am not an outcast after all although I am still rather embarrassed that I was not switched on enough to see what was happening.

 

And finally her personal trainer rang to apologise and set the record straight. He didn't know she was married and it only happened twice. This is the guy who started it all when he confronted my wife at the family function. He is now or rather was dating my wifes niece. I accepted his apology and thanked him for bring all out in the open. I would have preferred him tell me on the quiet but what's done is done.

 

Should I open a dialogue with my wife? I feel terrible for my SIL, putting her in the middle relaying messages and so on. Maybe just text messages so they are blunt with no emotion?

[AlexDP]

There is one piece of advise I think we can all agree on.

 

Jack, get a good attorney now. And let us know what he/she says about getting custody and what he/she thinks is sufficient grounds for declaring a mother unfit enough for a father to get custody.

 

There is one thing I do know about divorce law, but I'm not sure if it applies in the USA: in general there is a tendency for most (European) judges to go for joint custody unless there are severe circumstances that prevent this (a mother having sex with a string of boyfriends would probably only be a problem when this causes a very unstable home situation). In most European countries judges also no longer automatically assume that the mother is more fit than the father to care for children.

 

But, like I said, don't know if this applies here at all..

[todreaminblue]

What he calls her here will make zero difference in court. ZERO.

 

It's important that he gets a good divorce lawyer. Someone who is specialized in this sort of thing. I see people who go with a cheap lawyer or a lawyer they know (but who doesn't specialise in the matter at hand) and trust me, if the case is 50/50 they will lose. Perhaps you wouldn't expect it to, but a good lawyer makes a LOT of difference.

 

I know I'm sort of marketing myself, but that's also why I'd never do this sort of thing: my knowledge about this stuff is basic at best.

 

 

a good family court lawyer would suggest that verbally abusive communication and trading insults is not on...anything can be used in court.......especially if the op is a wonderful dad and person the best offense would be to discredit him..so that could geet quite intrusive how he speaks if there's aggression or abuse there it can be used against him.............I dont even know if adultery is a viable opportunity to prove a mother unfit..unfit wife maybe...unless it is done with the children present the adultry...pretty sad....

 

 

 

 

anything you say, write or do can be used against you in a court of law, whether it makes a difference is another matter, personally i wouldnt test that theory...especially when mediation crops up for visitation rights or custody..can you 100 per cent guarantee that it will have zero affect????..i second the comment on a good lawyer, the best case scenario i not to drag the kids through court......sometimes it is the only way......i hope the op and the kids go unscathed through the process........deb

[AlexDP]

a good family court lawyer would suggest that verbally abusive communication and trading insults is not on...anything can be used in court.......especially if the op is a wonderful dad and person the best offense would be to discredit him..so that could geet quite intrusive how he speaks if there's aggression or abuse there it can be used against him.............I dont even know if adultery is a viable opportunity to prove a mother unfit..unfit wife maybe...unless it is done with the children present the adultry...pretty sad....

 

 

 

 

anything you say, write or do can be used against you in a court of law, whether it makes a difference is another matter, personally i wouldnt test that theory...especially when mediation crops up for visitation rights or custody..can you 100 per cent guarantee that it will have zero affect????..i second the comment on a good lawyer, the best case scenario i not to drag the kids through court......sometimes it is the only way......i hope the op and the kids go unscathed through the process........deb

 

 

Yes. I guarantee 100 percent that it will have zero effect. It's the immediate aftermath, he's on an internet forum, it isn't aimed directly at his wife and his children aren't reading it. His lawyer will make the case that he needed to vent and chose an appropriate outlet: by choosing this forum he hurt no one and was very considerate towards his exwife, who had just hurt him tremendously.

 

Zero effect.