Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[CantgetoveritNY]

There is an event that happened around the time this all (apparently) started. I am far from a counselor but I can't connect the dots from that event to cheating.

 

Her twin sister and older brother died in a car accident. As terrible as that was and as hard as it has been to deal with I can't see how you go from that terrible grief to ongoing systematic cheating for ten years.

 

 

Holy cow. Not that it excuses even a ONS but yes that could make one think a bit differently about life than the day before.

 

But as one person here told me, I think you are over focused on why she did what she did. That's a problem for me too. I can see that ruminating on why our WWs did what they did is not exactly pointless but pretty close. I was told and I think I believe that I, and you, should focus on what we need. What we want. Not why they did what they did.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

People like your wife always lie

 

I know this probably sounds irrational but I don't believe deep down my wife is a bad person and I don't believe she is a constant liar.

 

If I take away the cheating just for a moment I cannot find any other lie or any other issue that we had. In fact I would say our life was perfect. I would say we enjoyed a more active sex life and definitely more adventurous than most.

 

Of course maybe this is just looking through rose coloured glasses becasue I did miss the big lie that went on for ten years so what other lies have I missed. I am going to take her up on her offer on a lie detector test. If she comes through that and it finds that she has now come clean on everything I am not going to know quite what to make of it.

 

In all reality she was confronted and outed by one man. She could have acknowledged that and no-one would have known different. I have to give her kudo's for coming clean on all the rest when she could have easily kept everything else hidden.

[Darth Vader]

Perhaps I have the sensitivity of a rock...

 

I think you need to move away from the "my wife is a slut" and towards ....

 

 

"my ex-wife is a slut".

 

 

Agreed! The sooner, the better! Apparently she had no problem screwing these other guys, or whatever, then she had the gall to not care about your feelings, Drop her ass and Fast!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

How much alcohol?

 

We both enjoy a drink but we dont get that drunk that we cannot recall what we did the next day. I mean how drunk can you get anyway looking after 4 kids?

[Darth Vader]

I know this probably sounds irrational but I don't believe deep down my wife is a bad person and I don't believe she is a constant liar.

 

If I take away the cheating just for a moment I cannot find any other lie or any other issue that we had. In fact I would say our life was perfect. I would say we enjoyed a more active sex life and definitely more adventurous than most.

 

Of course maybe this is just looking through rose coloured glasses becasue I did miss the big lie that went on for ten years so what other lies have I missed. I am going to take her up on her offer on a lie detector test. If she comes through that and it finds that she has now come clean on everything I am not going to know quite what to make of it.

 

In all reality she was confronted and outed by one man. She could have acknowledged that and no-one would have known different. I have to give her kudo's for coming clean on all the rest when she could have easily kept everything else hidden.

 

 

PLEASE! Would you quite justifying her actions!? She wasted 10 years of your life, not to mention forcing you to live a Lie! To top it all off she also exposed you to any number of STD's as well giving you doubts about the children being yours! You realize you're doing exactly what she wants you to do!? If she doesn't suffer consequences for her actions, she will do this again!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

PLEASE! Would you quite justifying her actions!? She wasted 10 years of your life

 

I guess it does sound a little like that.

 

I can understand why people here would look at her as evil, all I have posted about her paints her that way. But I have lived my life with her, I could fill these pages with her good side, with the wonderful things we have done and experienced together.

 

I have to weigh up all those as well. I am not saying by any stretch that it forgives anything that has happened. I am not even saying that we will ever be together again, I can't see that either. But I do love her, I would like to remain civil with her, we still have kids to raise and we will have to learn to get along.

 

Holding on to the anger I initially had is just going to drag me down. I am trying to focus on the positives that our life had but that doesn't mean I want to return to it.

[AbeNormal]

I guess it does sound a little like that.

 

I can understand why people here would look at her as evil, all I have posted about her paints her that way. But I have lived my life with her, I could fill these pages with her good side, with the wonderful things we have done and experienced together.

 

I have to weigh up all those as well. I am not saying by any stretch that it forgives anything that has happened. I am not even saying that we will ever be together again, I can't see that either. But I do love her, I would like to remain civil with her, we still have kids to raise and we will have to learn to get along.

 

Holding on to the anger I initially had is just going to drag me down. I am trying to focus on the positives that our life had but that doesn't mean I want to return to it.

 

Personally I have no reason (or inclination) to view her as evil. I would just be concerned that she is toxic.

 

And by toxic I mean as concerns your long term well being. Nothing more.

 

Do you want to be further dragged down towards the depths of (emotional) hell? Will you spend your next many, many years trying to come to grips with this and suffering - laying awake at night and trying to figure it out - hoping there is a resolution that does not just mean you are accepting of being degraded as a man?

 

Oh, wait. I guess I am looking at my situation again. My apologies. Best of luck to you in your situation.

Edited April 6, 2013 by AbeNormal

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Well I am back home.

 

I moved back in last night and my daughter has come back home as well.

 

My wife and I briefly crossed paths and she tried to hug me while saying sorry. I turned my back on her and told her it's way too early and please leave.

 

She also bumped into my daughter on her way out and their relationship is going to take a lot of repairing. The anger my daughter is holding is almost inconceivable. It took every strength I had when I had to tell her not to speak to her mother that way (even though I agree with everything she said).

 

My wife is living with her sister. The kids are happy to see me home. My 2 eldest want to be with me, the two youngest want there mum but also want to stay with there older siblings. I don't want to split them so custody could be an issue.

 

I had a call from my divorce lawyer to confirm for Monday and I spoke briefly about the above. He asked me to consider joint custody where we both live under the same roof but separately. Or another option where we have a second house and my wife and I alternate between the home where the kids would always stay.

 

That second option is not something that I had ever heard of or considered but sounds quite good for us. We have a rental unit just around the corner, literally a 10 minute walk away. We could alternate between there and the main house while keeping our kids in their own home. Minimum upheaval for them would be great.

 

Has anyone heard of or seen this type of arrangement in effect?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Sad, but interesting. Any chance that one of her first OMs was a boyfriend of her late twin sister?

 

No, her first and the only one that has/had been ongoing for the whole ten years was our next door neighbour.

 

He is a member of a rather popular local band. She could have been playing groupie but that doesn't tie in with anything to do with losing her brother/sister.

[Try]

I had a call from my divorce lawyer to confirm for Monday and I spoke briefly about the above. He asked me to consider joint custody where we both live under the same roof but separately. Or another option where we have a second house and my wife and I alternate between the home where the kids would always stay.

 

That second option is not something that I had ever heard of or considered but sounds quite good for us. We have a rental unit just around the corner, literally a 10 minute walk away. We could alternate between there and the main house while keeping our kids in their own home. Minimum upheaval for them would be great.

 

Has anyone heard of or seen this type of arrangement in effect?

Neither option makes sense for you. Cheaters justify cheating while married. Justifying cheating while legally separated is thus no big deal for them. In fact most will no longer even hide the cheating since they do not even consider it cheating once you are no longer a couple, even though you are still legally married. How realistic is it for you to sit by and pretend it does not matter as your wife openly sleeps with other men as you are still so closely attached to her life. You would be nothing more than a roommate that pays the bills and babysits as other men sleep with her. Do you really want to be sitting in your home as you watch your wife go next door to bang the neighbor yet again?

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Do you really want to be sitting in your home as you watch your wife go next door to bang the neighbor yet again?

 

Of course not but I also have to deal with reality.

 

The likelihood of me getting complete custody is remote. The likelihood of shared custody is slightly better. The likelihood that she gets custody and I get visitation is the most likely. I am not saying that is right but it seems that is just the way it is.

 

I therefore need to do what is best for my kids. Having them in the family home while my wife and I alternate between there and another residence sounds workable.

 

I also doubt that her continuing to cheat is an option. I know she has lied for a long time but she seems genuinely remorseful and genuinely wanting to work things out. I have no desire to continue this relationship but I also do not want to destroy my kids mother in the process.

 

If she remains true to her current words and follows through with what she says she will do (lie detector, etc) the I may re-evaluate my position but where we are right now my concern is my kids, me, my assets, my future and a long way down the list is her.

[Calvin's wagon]

Jack,

 

first of all, I'm sorry you and your family/kids are going through this, I wish you all the best.

 

I'd strongly urge you to arrange individual counselling for yourself and for your kids. Especially the kids are now in such a turmoil, and they have to have an expert help them deal with all the hate, confusion, hurt, ... , in a healthy manner, so they will not be too hurt by all this.

 

Talk to family/children psychologists and check books concerning how to best deal with cheating, separation, divorce, ... & how to act to protect your children as much as possible (possible custody/accommodation scenarios,...)

 

Also, try to contact some support groups (divorced parents, church groups, ...) for yourself. Talk to them, share experience, get advice.

 

As hard as this is for you, you are still an adult and you will get through this and you will know how to get help (lawyers, counselling,...). But your kids are the most vulnerable here, and they need you to be strong, loving, understanding,... for them/around them, and they need you to get people to help them (counselling,...).

 

They cannot go through this without you being a parent first&foremost and without professional help.

 

Good luck to you&your family.

 

P.S.: I don't know any books dealing specifically with this, so I hope others here will suggest more books, but I strongly recommend you (and in time, your kids...) read a book called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward - available for free online in PDF, if you google it.

[BetrayedH]

You aren't the first to consider keeping the marital home and sharing time there while alternating use of a second home or apartment. But I can't speak to how successful it is.

 

My gut says that I wouldn't want to do it. The one benefit of divorce is that you get to have your own space and own life, so you can begin again. I don't know that I could do that and routinely time-share an apartment with my ex. When she is free, she will be having sex in the apartment at some point. Do you want to spend your days at the apartment wondering if it's safe to sit on your couch or sleep in your bed?

 

My ex wife and I live close to one another but really only speak by text or email except a few sentences when I drop them off once a week. I have a girlfriend now and have no interest is sharing space with my ex wife, even if we weren't there at the same time. And trust me, it's pretty darn unlikely you're going to become more amicable as you go thru a divorce.

[BetrayedH]

Jack,

 

first of all, I'm sorry you and your family/kids are going through this, I wish you all the best.

 

I'd strongly urge you to arrange individual counselling for yourself and for your kids. Especially the kids are now in such a turmoil, and they have to have an expert help them deal with all the hate, confusion, hurt, ... , in a healthy manner, so they will not be too hurt by all this.

 

Talk to family/children psychologists and check books concerning how to best deal with cheating, separation, divorce, ... & how to act to protect your children as much as possible (possible custody/accommodation scenarios,...)

 

Also, try to contact some support groups (divorced parents, church groups, ...) for yourself. Talk to them, share experience, get advice.

 

As hard as this is for you, you are still an adult and you will get through this and you will know how to get help (lawyers, counselling,...). But your kids are the most vulnerable here, and they need you to be strong, loving, understanding,... for them/around them, and they need you to get people to help them (counselling,...).

 

They cannot go through this without you being a parent first&foremost and without professional help.

 

Good luck to you&your family.

 

P.S.: I don't know any books dealing specifically with this, so I hope others here will suggest more books, but I strongly recommend you (and in time, your kids...) read a book called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward - available for free online in PDF, if you google it.

 

This is a really good point. As odd as it may sound, the State of Florida required divorcing parents to take a four-hour online course and it was really helpful for me to see how co-parenting can be done. They compiled a lot of data and wisdom and I was much more educated after that course (on a subject I'd never considered studying). It is very hard to co-parent and detach at the same time but how you do it in front of your kids is remarkably important. There is a lot of data out there on what works. Time to start reading up. And counseling is probably a damn good idea for the kids, particularly the older ones. Research shows that the younger ones adapt more quickly.

[Jonah]

 

I may re-evaluate my position but where we are right now my concern is my kids, me, my assets, my future and a long way down the list is her.

 

Pretty smart thinking. If you were to though, think more like "help her" than to have your boot on her neck. She would have to "become your wife" Something she has yet to do but with desire may have the ability to do.

 

Say in the future you were to find a different wife... who is to say that your situation with trust would improve? Who is to say that fidelity would improve? Who is to say that your happiness would improve? You have been with this woman for a long time... there must be a compatibility factor there. Could you find that again? Or end up with worse. My brother is a bachelor and quite happy with that. ...a good alternative.

 

To keep your wife, the pride hurdle would be a pretty high one. It would take a big man to swallow that pill. To "not care what other people think". With all the holier than thou talking it up.

 

I like how you are handling this whole catastrophe. Quite level headed.

[ComingInHot]

Sgt Jack*

I just read this thread in its Entirety. Many times I jump right in w/comments & responses but I chose to wait & read the changes in your posts emotions both subtle & obvious.

 

The anger is of course still there (as it should be).

 

The pain is there but I don't think it is being allowed to come out right now to be truly dealt w/as you are now in protect & survival mode. (this is good for now too).

 

I am reading the Years of love you have had (and most likely still have on some level) for your wife. This can be both productive as well as dangerous. It's important to keep a balance of sorts throughout this entire process for a healthy outcome for you & your children. On one hand, you can't just turn off Years of love , marriage, children & memories BUT because your W wants to R, she may well use all of this to convince you to stay. On the other hand, defaming her and raging at her no matter how justified will do more harm than good to you & your children. Try to keep a balance between these two in order to maintain as much mental stability as possible at least for now.

 

Know at one point, you Will need to face, feel & deal w/the pain of this mess in order to move forward. When the time is right, do this otherwise it could eat into your soul and steal your future joys that await.

 

If there was anything at all I could magically do or say to fix this, I would! My heart breaks for you & your kids! As well as all the other Many people hurt by your w's choices.

Now, I'm irritatingly positive* but that's kind of my thing, so I Have Got to say that for every morning you wish the sun just wouldn't rise, there is also a new day with no mistakes in it yet and new adventures await you and your children . One day you WILL be thankful for the sun rising and shing down on you and your beautiful family's faces*

CIH

[Mittens]

The one thing I can offer advice on in this whole sorry situation is with regards to the children.

 

No matter how tempted you may be (and I understand why you would be) DON'T BAD MOUTH THEIR MOTHER TO THEM

 

My parents divorced when I was 21...my father left her for another woman, that he is now married to. That's now 24 years ago. And to this day, my mother is bitter and angry and never misses an opportunity to say extremely horrible things about my father. She emotionally blackmailed us to drop all contact with him when he left. The lengths she went to were horrible.

 

Her rationale is that we are adults and can cope with hearing it. I call ultimate bull**** on that. Yes, he's a cheater - and like your wife, a serial one - but at the end of the day, he is STILL our father. Someone that she loved enough for 24 years to have 3 children with. I am half my father, so hearing her vitriol is like hearing she hates me! She's even said to our faces that she hates how much we look like him...

 

Your children don't need to know any of the sordid details. It's none of their business. It's a shame your 15 year old daughter does know, but she's very young and her anger towards her mother won't last forever.

 

I'm nearly 45, and I still feel the need for both my parents at times. I don't have a relationship with either now, thanks to my mother's actions.

Edited April 6, 2013 by Mittens

[Shocked Suzie]

I know this probably sounds irrational but I don't believe deep down my wife is a bad person and I don't believe she is a constant liar.

 

If I take away the cheating just for a moment I cannot find any other lie or any other issue that we had. In fact I would say our life was perfect. I would say we enjoyed a more active sex life and definitely more adventurous than most.

 

Of course maybe this is just looking through rose coloured glasses becasue I did miss the big lie that went on for ten years so what other lies have I missed. I am going to take her up on her offer on a lie detector test. If she comes through that and it finds that she has now come clean on everything I am not going to know quite what to make of it.

 

 

In all reality she was confronted and outed by one man. She could have acknowledged that and no-one would have known different. I have to give her kudo's for coming clean on all the rest when she could have easily kept everything else hidden.

 

 

 

Hi... Wow you've really been through it! Im sorry to read what you have been going through, not sure where to start....

 

firstly, my marriage was near on perfect I have a beautiful home, two great kids, we rarely argued, have good jobs, great social life and sex life...still looked thought each other were hot! All that until the day he decided to have an affair, i offered him a chance to try to work things through and took him back after he left me to live with her for a week, i thought in my panic that it was the right thing to do and im glad i did, but looking back i truly dont think i could have ever have trusted him or been 'me' after all that had been said and that had happened...It seems like you've made up your mind to give her a second chance? Have you given yourself time to think all this through? You've

had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff here. My XH said this affair was his first, do I believe him...not really sure, but what I do know is no matter what i'll always have that doubt...how are you going to cope with the fact that your wife seems to have had many flings? I'm really worried your not really thinking things through here... Is it me or are you running at 100 kph here? Give yourself a moment to think out of the box here!

 

Secondly and for me personally 'most importantly' how are your children

coping in all this turmoil? MY children have been in total shock, their dad who they trusted, loved has basically walked away, there is so much confusion and mixed emotion. I suppose it's easy for me to see this as I have them all the time, it breaks my heart. I have arranged and would also suggest counseling for them, your in AU too the GP can set up a mental health plan, it allows them to have some free sessions, can be private or via their school. If you have teenagers they may like the idea of the school one as they can arrange these appointments when they want and feel they are needed. My kids are able to speak freely there, but most importantly they learn coping strategies and how to deal with difficult circumstances, which is a real life line for a kid.

 

Please don't rush into taking your wife back, be very cautious...what she has done to you ALL is very wrong and will take more that a lie detector test to correct/undo what has been done. I would also be very cautious of speaking freely to her close family and friends, one thing I have learnt in all this is that some people thrive on others misfortune sadly. Be careful what you say in front of them and your children

 

I hope I'm not going on too much, I'm sorry if I am...it's just I know how I feel/shocked i am about my husband, his affair and leaving me for her....cant begin to think how you must be feeling.

 

...all the very best, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me...the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with! But the one thing that has driven me is that I will keep as much normality for my young impressionable children, I intend to try to ensure that the actions of their selfish father effect them as little as possible! They are my priority in all this ....

[Try]

Of course not but I also have to deal with reality.

You are not dealing with reality if you ignore the fact that you are human and need to deal with this taking your own needs and feelings into account.

 

I therefore need to do what is best for my kids. Having them in the family home while my wife and I alternate between there and another residence sounds workable.

Having your children always in the family home under adverse conditions for you is not as good for them as other options that take you being human into account. You and your stbxw living near each other works just fine for the children as their friends will still be near no matter which of the parent’s home they are staying. You being the positive and strong dad will be far more important to helping them get through this then sleeping in the same bed every day.

 

I also doubt that her continuing to cheat is an option. I know she has lied for a long time but she seems genuinely remorseful and genuinely wanting to work things out.

It will not be cheating in her mind once you are separated and she does not see you staying in the marriage as something that is guaranteed. Also, do not confuse being remorseful for being caught as being the same as truly seeing the light.

 

I have no desire to continue this relationship but I also do not want to destroy my kids mother in the process.

You living in one place as she lives in another is not asking you to destroy your kids mother. It is just asking you to acknowledge the reality that as this goes forward, divorce is a hurtful process where you and the stbxw should not live together unless you are able to fix the marriage long term.

[Shocked Suzie]

Of course not but I also have to deal with reality.

 

The likelihood of me getting complete custody is remote. The likelihood of shared custody is slightly better. The likelihood that she gets custody and I get visitation is the most likely. I am not saying that is right but it seems that is just the way it is.

 

I therefore need to do what is best for my kids. Having them in the family home while my wife and I alternate between there and another residence sounds workable.

 

I also doubt that her continuing to cheat is an option. I know she has lied for a long time but she seems genuinely remorseful and genuinely wanting to work things out. I have no desire to continue this relationship but I also do

not want to destroy my kids mother in the process.

 

If she remains true to her current words and follows through with what she says she will do (lie detector, etc) the I may re-evaluate my position but where we are right now my concern is my kids, me, my assets, my future and a long way down the list is her.

 

 

Another thing....I would cover your arse and write everything down! Even if you do take her back, incase you need this later for court for the children...don't let that slip, always remember to protect yourself for the kids sake just in case! Im now live in AU and pleasantly surprised to see that there are many fathers here that seem to have full custody for their children, more from where I'm from.

 

All the best

[wifehurtheart]

You aren't the first to consider keeping the marital home and sharing time there while alternating use of a second home or apartment. But I can't speak to how successful it is.

My first wife and I had three children ages 14, 12 and 8 when we separated. I was not in a position financially to rent or buy my own place so I moved in with and shared a two-bedroom apartment with my best friend for the first eight months. I was in no state of mind at the time to start dating again, but my friend had been divorced for several years and had a pretty active social (and sex) life, so our apartment wasn't really an appropriate place to have my kids visit, especially on weekends.

 

The solution was for me to pack my little travel bag on Saturday mornings and head over to my ex's and children's (and my former) home. I would spend Saturday and Saturday night there and my ex would stay with her boyfriend and then return home sometime Sunday afternoon or early evening.

 

This worked well for our kids, because their lives were made as "seamless" as possible and they were sleeping in their own beds every night. I realized after a short time, though, that returning to the house that had also been MY home for the past 9 years was taking an emotional toll on me. It was like I was moving out all over again except now I was doing it once a week when I left on Sunday evenings. It made it difficult to mentally begin to move on and start working on my own future.

 

I was very glad after eight months, when I was able to get my own place, which was not far away from where my kids lived. I was then able to have them stay with me in my own space, and I was close enough so that if one of them spent a night with me during the school week it was no big deal to get them to school in the morning.

Edited April 6, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[beenburned]

When my cousin divorced his wife for cheating, he bought a house in the same subdivision as his XW. His son was able to walk to both houses anytime he wanted to! His son is now grown and is really glad he had both parents around at all times for him.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I have no advice on top of what has been given. I am just so very sorry for all of this. What a friggin cluster ****! I am just so so sorry.

[Act Two]

My first wife and I had three children ages 14, 12 and 8 when we separated. I was not in a position financially to rent or buy my own place so I moved in with and shared a two-bedroom apartment with my best friend for the first eight months. I was in no state of mind at the time to start dating again, but my friend had been divorced for several years and had a pretty active social (and sex) life, so our apartment wasn't really an appropriate place to have my kids visit, especially on weekends.

 

The solution was for me to pack my little travel bag on Saturday mornings and head over to my ex's and children's (and my former) home. I would spend Saturday and Saturday night there and my ex would stay with her boyfriend and then return home sometime Sunday afternoon or early evening.

 

This worked well for our kids, because their lives were made as "seamless" as possible and they were sleeping in their own beds every night. I realized after a short time, though, that returning to the house that had also been MY home for the past 9 years was taking an emotional toll on me. It was like I was moving out all over again except now I was doing it once a week when I left on Sunday evenings. It made it difficult to mentally begin to move on and start working on my own future.

 

I was very glad after eight months, when I was able to get my own place, which was not far away from where my kids lived. I was then able to have them stay with me in my own space, and I was close enough so that if one of them spent a night with me during the school week it was no big deal to get them to school in the morning.

 

My STBX and I tried this- it's called Bird's Nest Custody. We worked it out in mediation ahead of time and thought it would be a good transitional plan for the kids so as not to disrupt their lives as much, and also because we are having trouble paying for a second home for one of us.

 

I really don't recommend it- it's one of those ideas that's great in theory but VERY hard on the parents. Logistically, I didn't know if I was coming or going- we switched back and forth every other day and I felt like I was living out of a bag. In fact, I had two car accidents in one week right after we started because I was so frazzled.

 

Our mediator said it's an interesting experiment because it's what children of divorce are asked to do all of the time- go back and forth between homes, but she said it's actually harder on adults because it takes a lot more organization to run an adult life than a child's life, so the back and forth is logistically tough.

 

Emotionally, it's brutal because you feel like you are leaving. All of the time. Every time you have to pack up and go you have this pang that you are leaving your kids and that sucks. You are still in the space of your ex and so you can't really detach from your spouse emotionally. There's no starting over and no healing that can begin while you are still attached.

 

I will say our kids didn't seem to respond negatively- they adjusted pretty well although my 14 year old said it made him sad but they continued on with their busy lives.

 

I would really recommend two separate places close by so kids can go back and forth regularly, which is my next plan as well.

[2sunny]

Did you find out if your kids belong to you?

 

There's easy access to tests that can be done quickly.