Wife had been cheating for last 10 years

[Darren Steez]

This is not a direct reply to the below quote but I used that as a reference. There have been many posts with pretty much the same theme. This is a reply to all of them.

 

 

 

I believe that is what I have been saying.

 

I thought this was clear

 

 

 

I am unsure why people are so against me forgiving her. I could understand the reactions if I was gong to reconcile immediately but I have made it clear that I am not interested in that.

 

She has wasted a lot of my time/life without me knowing. I am not going to volunteer more of my time to be wasted by being angry or plotting revenge.

 

We will sort out a mutually acceptable custody arrangement and we will remain civil at all times. We will sort out the divorce and I believe we can do so without trying to destroy each other. Carrying anger towards her is only going to drag me down and I am better than that.

 

I call it a mistake, others can call it a callous act of betrayal, it's really just semantics. At the end of the day what is done is done, it cannot be changed. There is no need to dwell on it and let it consume more of my life. Acting on the facts and taking appropriate actions is enough. Leaving and ending the marriage is enough.

 

I wish her well. She is the mother of my kids and I love her for that. She did me wrong and it has ended our marriage, we all suffer because of that. I did hate her initially and she deserved that hate but I have decided to be the bigger and better person because I deserve that. I am better than her and I will not be dragged into wasting more of my life on her.

 

So yes, I do forgive her. I do wish her all the best. I have no anger towards her. I don't wish her any ill fortune. But at the same time I have no desire to be with her. I have no desire to continue living the lie. I have known her intimately for a long long time and as a friend I will help her come to terms with all this if she so desires. But her and I are through.

 

I am sorry if my actions are offensive to others but I need to live my own life my way the way I know best. Holding on to the anger is not the best way for me.

 

I met with my lawyer yesterday and we have had progress on the custody/divorce front. I have no time now, I will endeavor to update later tonight.

 

To be fair Jack, I think some people confuse the word forgiveness with softening of stance which might lead to eventual reconciliation. Nor does anyone wish you ill.

 

Stories like this infuriate people, especially those previously betrayed. Your stance is both strong and moral on how you handled this.

 

You are right, end of the day she's the mother of your children and must be treated as such. Unfortunately with forums it's easy to scream dump her and go NC and never see her again without weighing up the real life factors involved.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[ComingInHot]

Sunny, " I disagree cominginhot - I know MANY women and men whO won't cheat!

 

I am one! Some people do have a moral code which they live by..."

 

 

Huh?? I think you mistook my quote from another poster for my words. Cheating - bad*

[Shocked Suzie]

I disagree cominginhot - I know MANY women and men whO won't cheat!

 

I am one! Some people do have a moral code which they live by...

 

Agreed! I'm one as well, never have done and never would...

[Shocked Suzie]

This is not a direct reply to the below quote but I used that as a reference. There have been many posts with pretty much the same theme. This is a reply to all of them.

 

 

 

I believe that is what I have been saying.

 

I thought this was clear

 

 

 

I am unsure why people are so against me forgiving her. I could understand the reactions if I was gong to reconcile immediately but I have made it clear that I am not interested in tha

 

She has wasted a lot of my time/life without me knowing. I am not going to volunteer more of my time to be wasted by being angry or plotting revenge.

 

We will sort out a mutually acceptable custody arrangement and we will remain civil at all times. We will sort out the divorce and I believe we can do so without trying to destroy each other. Carrying anger towards her is only going to drag me down and I am better than that.

 

I call it a mistake, others can call it a callous act of betrayal, it's really just semantics. At the end of the day what is done is done, it cannot be changed. There is no need to dwell on it and let it consume more of my life. Acting on the facts and taking appropriate actions is enough. Leaving and ending the marriage is enough.

 

I wish her well. She is the mother of my kids and I love her for that. She did me wrong and it has ended our marriage, we all suffer because of that. I did hate her initially and she deserved that hate but I have decided to be the bigger and better person because I deserve that. I am better than her and I will not be dragged into wasting more of my life on her.

 

So yes, I do forgive her. I do wish her all the best. I have no anger towards her. I don't wish her any ill fortune. But at the same time I have no desire to be with her. I have no desire to continue living the lie. I have known her intimately for a long long time and as a friend I will help her come to terms with all this if she so desires. But her and I are through.

 

I am sorry if my actions are offensive to others but I need to live my own life

my way the way I know best. Holding on to the anger is not the best way for me.

 

I met with my lawyer yesterday and we have had progress on the custody/divorce front. I have no time now, I will endeavor to update later tonight.

 

 

You will find you will have many emotions as time goes on it's early days for you and your children. I feel the same as you and will not seek revenge or play games, I refuse to waste time and energy doing this... Having said that my views at the beginning have altered slightly now, as It has finally sunk in on my life change and what the future holds, don't leave yourself open for financial abuse and more importantly forces on your outcome as how it will effect and impact on your children....I'm obviously not talking only finance there. It took me quite a few months to understand what is important, rather than being how you may see it at the moment as 'fair'....it's not being bitter it's just the 'long term right thing to do'.

 

I on the odd occasion feel hate, but more often feel sadness and disappointment, but at the end of the day our lives have shifted in a major way....don't shoot yourself in the foot. You'll find in time her guilt and emotion will also change....you have to ensure you protect yourself, even if it's only for the kids sake.

[2sunny]

I'm glad for you - that you are handling things as best as you can - by taking action for your best interest - and looking out for your future.

 

Please consider counseling for your kids - they need help too - sorting through the emotions of betrayal and lies she's dished out.

Edited April 10, 2013 by 2sunny

[AlexDP]

I'm no expert in the American law, but 2 people can agree between them to sign any contract they want as long as its innocent and represent both sides will.

 

That contract is not groundless because it expresses the man fears and distrust, against his wifes desire to have him back. so he has some conditions to have her back, and they both agree and the just draw it with writing.

And because by that he risks his health\sanity\peace, as well as his earning power, his ability to concentrate, and his honor, and dignity and so and so... he wants to make sure she compensates him for his pain.

so its Totally a legitimate agreement by all circumstances.

 

Of course, the real target of this agreement is to test the wife to see if she is honest.

 

 

It's not an innocent contract, because it restricts her personal freedoms. These freedoms go above any sort of contract and restricting them would be illegal, even if she agreed to the contract.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

Things are actually looking positive here. Well as positive as they can be when a marriage breaks down.

 

I have met and discussed options with a lawyer. I have had my first counseling session. More importantly though, I have sat down a few times with my wife and discussed the future. She understands clearly that we are through and that we need to sort out the mess that has been made.

 

I asked her to take into consideration the last 10 years and what she has been doing when deciding on custody and divorce settlement. I asked her just to keep that in mind. We decided that we wanted to keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

 

To that end we have come to an agreement (obviously nothing official yet) in regards to custody and splitting everything up. Most importantly the kids will be staying in their home with me. I have told her that I don't want her out of their lives and she can have visitation whenever she wants. All costs in regards to the kids will be split 50/50.

 

She has been fair with what she has asked for too (at least I think so). She will get the rental unit and a holiday house we have (it's a dump so no great loss there). And we have agreed on an amount of cash to square things off. It is quite substantial but I get to keep my shares portfolio and superannuation 100% and obviously the family home so I am very happy about that.

 

We have spoken to the kids about what has been decided and they are accepting of it. I wont say they are happy, I guess no-one is, but they understand that circumstances have changed and that will affect everything. They are having their first counseling sessions today. Their mother has taken them and they are actually there at the moment.

 

My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot. I don't think she will be going to her mum for advice any time soon but at least the hostility is gone.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and understanding of what she has done. She admits full fault and still wants to go ahead with the lie detector test to prove that she is now being totally truthful. She has asked me to prepare a list of questions and is happy for me to be there once organised if I wish. Any suggestions for questions, besides the obvious ones of course?

 

My neighbor left a note under my door apologizing and explaining that he has moved. I hadn't seen him since this came to light, I suspected he was hiding but didn't see this coming. I can't say I'm upset by it though. Things seem to be going my way.

 

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

Thanks for listening.

[2sunny]

Great progress! Stay strong! You can say NO to her anytime you want - don't hesitate to put HER responsibility back into her lap - when she tries to manipulate you ( and she will).

 

Questions for her? Ask everything and anything you can think of!!! Nothing should be off limits!!!

[Radu]

Things are actually looking positive here. Well as positive as they can be when a marriage breaks down.

 

I have met and discussed options with a lawyer. I have had my first counseling session. More importantly though, I have sat down a few times with my wife and discussed the future. She understands clearly that we are through and that we need to sort out the mess that has been made.

 

I asked her to take into consideration the last 10 years and what she has been doing when deciding on custody and divorce settlement. I asked her just to keep that in mind. We decided that we wanted to keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

 

To that end we have come to an agreement (obviously nothing official yet) in regards to custody and splitting everything up. Most importantly the kids will be staying in their home with me. I have told her that I don't want her out of their lives and she can have visitation whenever she wants. All costs in regards to the kids will be split 50/50.

 

She has been fair with what she has asked for too (at least I think so). She will get the rental unit and a holiday house we have (it's a dump so no great loss there). And we have agreed on an amount of cash to square things off. It is quite substantial but I get to keep my shares portfolio and superannuation 100% and obviously the family home so I am very happy about that.

 

We have spoken to the kids about what has been decided and they are accepting of it. I wont say they are happy, I guess no-one is, but they understand that circumstances have changed and that will affect everything. They are having their first counseling sessions today. Their mother has taken them and they are actually there at the moment.

 

My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot. I don't think she will be going to her mum for advice any time soon but at least the hostility is gone.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and understanding of what she has done. She admits full fault and still wants to go ahead with the lie detector test to prove that she is now being totally truthful. She has asked me to prepare a list of questions and is happy for me to be there once organised if I wish. Any suggestions for questions, besides the obvious ones of course?

 

My neighbor left a note under my door apologizing and explaining that he has moved. I hadn't seen him since this came to light, I suspected he was hiding but didn't see this coming. I can't say I'm upset by it though. Things seem to be going my way.

 

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

I'm one of those ppl to believes in justice and it pisses me off when someone who hurt so many ppl 'gets away with it'.

 

That being said, i think you handled this very very VERY well and fairly, because you made the kids the priority, they don't need arguments between the two of you, they don't see their mother in poverty [if you can truly make this happen], and they don't need to see you unhappy and more stressed, they need to see stability and a show of strength from you ... and you have done that.

[wifehurtheart]

Things are actually looking positive here. Well as positive as they can be when a marriage breaks down.

 

I have met and discussed options with a lawyer. I have had my first counseling session. More importantly though, I have sat down a few times with my wife and discussed the future. She understands clearly that we are through and that we need to sort out the mess that has been made.

 

I asked her to take into consideration the last 10 years and what she has been doing when deciding on custody and divorce settlement. I asked her just to keep that in mind. We decided that we wanted to keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

 

To that end we have come to an agreement (obviously nothing official yet) in regards to custody and splitting everything up. Most importantly the kids will be staying in their home with me. I have told her that I don't want her out of their lives and she can have visitation whenever she wants. All costs in regards to the kids will be split 50/50.

 

She has been fair with what she has asked for too (at least I think so). She will get the rental unit and a holiday house we have (it's a dump so no great loss there). And we have agreed on an amount of cash to square things off. It is quite substantial but I get to keep my shares portfolio and superannuation 100% and obviously the family home so I am very happy about that.

 

We have spoken to the kids about what has been decided and they are accepting of it. I wont say they are happy, I guess no-one is, but they understand that circumstances have changed and that will affect everything. They are having their first counseling sessions today. Their mother has taken them and they are actually there at the moment.

 

My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot. I don't think she will be going to her mum for advice any time soon but at least the hostility is gone.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and understanding of what she has done. She admits full fault and still wants to go ahead with the lie detector test to prove that she is now being totally truthful. She has asked me to prepare a list of questions and is happy for me to be there once organised if I wish. Any suggestions for questions, besides the obvious ones of course?

 

My neighbor left a note under my door apologizing and explaining that he has moved. I hadn't seen him since this came to light, I suspected he was hiding but didn't see this coming. I can't say I'm upset by it though. Things seem to be going my way.

 

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

You are to be commended, sir, for keeping your focus on the mental health and well-being of your children, and for handling things in a way that allows you to hold onto your own dignity and self-respect going forward. Many people who discovered what you have discovered and experienced the pain of that probably would have used every last ounce of their energy and resources to drag her through the mud repeatedly -- and with no regard for the effect that would have had on their kids.

[wifehurtheart]

Things are actually looking positive here. Well as positive as they can be when a marriage breaks down.

 

I have met and discussed options with a lawyer. I have had my first counseling session. More importantly though, I have sat down a few times with my wife and discussed the future. She understands clearly that we are through and that we need to sort out the mess that has been made.

 

I asked her to take into consideration the last 10 years and what she has been doing when deciding on custody and divorce settlement. I asked her just to keep that in mind. We decided that we wanted to keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

 

To that end we have come to an agreement (obviously nothing official yet) in regards to custody and splitting everything up. Most importantly the kids will be staying in their home with me. I have told her that I don't want her out of their lives and she can have visitation whenever she wants. All costs in regards to the kids will be split 50/50.

 

She has been fair with what she has asked for too (at least I think so). She will get the rental unit and a holiday house we have (it's a dump so no great loss there). And we have agreed on an amount of cash to square things off. It is quite substantial but I get to keep my shares portfolio and superannuation 100% and obviously the family home so I am very happy about that.

 

We have spoken to the kids about what has been decided and they are accepting of it. I wont say they are happy, I guess no-one is, but they understand that circumstances have changed and that will affect everything. They are having their first counseling sessions today. Their mother has taken them and they are actually there at the moment.

 

My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot. I don't think she will be going to her mum for advice any time soon but at least the hostility is gone.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and understanding of what she has done. She admits full fault and still wants to go ahead with the lie detector test to prove that she is now being totally truthful. She has asked me to prepare a list of questions and is happy for me to be there once organised if I wish. Any suggestions for questions, besides the obvious ones of course?

 

My neighbor left a note under my door apologizing and explaining that he has moved. I hadn't seen him since this came to light, I suspected he was hiding but didn't see this coming. I can't say I'm upset by it though. Things seem to be going my way.

 

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

I have not posted in this thread before but have been following it regularly. You are to be commended, sir, for keeping your focus on the mental health and well-being of your children, and for handling things in a way that allows you to hold onto your own dignity and self-respect going forward. Many people who were cheated on for the length of time and with the number of people that you were probably would have used every last ounce of their energy and resources to drag their spouse through the mud endlessly -- and with no regard for the effect that would have had on their kids.

 

Kudos to you!

[Calvin's wagon]

Those are some great news! It's truly admirable how you're handling this!

 

I would, however, like to ask/say a couple of things without any malice or hatred towards your wife, but with concern for you and foremost for the kids:

 

1. I'm not sure if it's the best idea that she is the one taking them and driving them home from counselling.

 

From my experience in counselling, I used to be really emotionally rattled after the sessions and the last person I wanted to see was the person who had caused me so much harm. And also during the sessions if I'd know that for example my parents will be waiting for me, I'd stress about it and the session would be even more hard on me. Perhaps your kids aren't bothered by this, perhaps they just don't want to say it out loud. Talk to your therapist about this, talk to the kids. But I think the kids shouldn't have to be "forced" to spent time with her before/after therapy, when they're so vulnerable.

 

Heck, as a kid, I'd perhaps not even trust the therapist if I knew that the mom (in their case) who has betrayed them chose this therapist... I'm not saying I'd be right, but it's a possibility that they feel this way. Something to think and talk about (therapist, kids,...).

 

2. make sure that your kids won't feel forced into contact with her, or that they won't perceive you taking their mom's side vis-a-vis them. I remember that you said in one of the posts that you said sth to your daughter when she was saying bad stuff about/to her mother - I think if I were in your daughter's shoes, I'd feel bad about you taking her mom's side vs. me. I'm not saying you encourage them to speak ill of her and call her names, but make sure that they don't get the feeling that you're taking their mom's side vs. them, or that they shouldn't be outraged at her actions.

 

They need to know that they have one parent to count on to protect them and be on their side when they need them, even when they're wrong!

 

It's ok for you to remain civil to her etc., because it will be easier for you to resolve the issues she will have caused you. But the kids...if they feel anger at the moment, they shouldn't be made to feel bad (by you,...) for being angry and expressing it. You can afford (emotionally) to let your anger wait&be controlled, but I'm not sure if they can, not so soon...

 

you mentioned "My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot.". I hope that's true, and that she's not hiding the anger from you and suppressing it...

 

Anyway, I'm no expert, but this should seriously be something that you talk over with the therapist(s) etc.

 

3. if there is any polygraph to be done, I'd recommend you organise it. In general I see that a lot of things are being organised and controlled by her.

First of all, I'm not sure how much I'd trust her, and secondly, you need to be in control of things, not let her run the show. I wouldn't trust her so soon to be involved in my and the kids' life so much so soon. With time and her effort, yes, but not so soon.

 

 

4. do your kids feel like they can talk to their friends and family members about this?

 

 

5. have you contacted any support groups for betrayed spouses, for parents who are getting divorced etc.? reading books on the subject? Therapy is great, but it might be very beneficial to complement it with advice from people who have or are going through the same...

 

 

 

I think it's great that you're making sure she will have the opportunity to continue with a decent life. Your kids will, in time, benefit from having (her) a more stable and mature mother/woman in their lives.

 

 

Best of wishes to all of you!

[Oberfeldwebel]

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

The only one that needs to be happy with the settlement is you. Also I applaud you for not being petty or vindictive, it comes to nothing. Forgiveness, as you know is for your mental health, you are way farther down the path of recovery than most folks at this point in time. To your STBX that seems to be contrite and cooperation in the settlement, says a lot for her. This will make the transition for the children much easier, which is always a good thing. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Jonah]

This is not a direct reply to the below quote but I used that as a reference. There have been many posts with pretty much the same theme. This is a reply to all of them.

 

 

 

I believe that is what I have been saying.

 

I thought this was clear

 

 

 

I am unsure why people are so against me forgiving her. I could understand the reactions if I was gong to reconcile immediately but I have made it clear that I am not interested in that.

 

She has wasted a lot of my time/life without me knowing. I am not going to volunteer more of my time to be wasted by being angry or plotting revenge.

 

We will sort out a mutually acceptable custody arrangement and we will remain civil at all times. We will sort out the divorce and I believe we can do so without trying to destroy each other. Carrying anger towards her is only going to drag me down and I am better than that.

 

I call it a mistake, others can call it a callous act of betrayal, it's really just semantics. At the end of the day what is done is done, it cannot be changed. There is no need to dwell on it and let it consume more of my life. Acting on the facts and taking appropriate actions is enough. Leaving and ending the marriage is enough.

 

I wish her well. She is the mother of my kids and I love her for that. She did me wrong and it has ended our marriage, we all suffer because of that. I did hate her initially and she deserved that hate but I have decided to be the bigger and better person because I deserve that. I am better than her and I will not be dragged into wasting more of my life on her.

 

So yes, I do forgive her. I do wish her all the best. I have no anger towards her. I don't wish her any ill fortune. But at the same time I have no desire to be with her. I have no desire to continue living the lie. I have known her intimately for a long long time and as a friend I will help her come to terms with all this if she so desires. But her and I are through.

 

I am sorry if my actions are offensive to others but I need to live my own life my way the way I know best. Holding on to the anger is not the best way for me.

 

I met with my lawyer yesterday and we have had progress on the custody/divorce front. I have no time now, I will endeavor to update later tonight.

 

keep her or no, you gotta forgive to move on.. hanging onto a resentment always holds a person back from healing. Just take a look at those who would prefer you to hate, they want you to be like them... In misery. No. You are on the right track jack. But pay no mind to the small minded. Either they aren't reading your posts or they have poor reading comprehension skills.

[beenburned]

jack,

 

I'm proud of how you are handling the mess that has been dumped in your lap!!

[jack_oneill_sg1]

the last person I wanted to see was the person who had caused me so much harm

 

You have a very valid point but WE have caused them harm. The marriage has failed and that involves us both. I do not believe that I am perfect and faultless in all this. So they would still be seeing someone who has caused this to happen if it were me taking them. Granted my wife has played a much larger and definitely much more public part but that doesn't excuse any issues that I may have caused and not addressed along the way.

 

They need to know that they have one parent to count on to protect them and be on their side when they need them, even when they're wrong!

 

Again you are correct but I am hoping to promote a situation where there will be two parents they can count on. I would never force contact but I will be actively encouraging it.

 

3. if there is any polygraph to be done, I'd recommend you organise it. In general I see that a lot of things are being organised and controlled by her.

 

I guess it's just the way it has been. I worked, she ran the house and organised our lives. She did ask me to pick a place for the test so I wouldn't think she had someone on the inside but I am not a conspiracy theorist and I dont believe that would be the case.

[jack_oneill_sg1]

I'm one of those ppl to believes in justice and it pisses me off when someone who hurt so many ppl 'gets away with it'.

 

I'm not sure that losing your marriage and your stability along with now being know as 'that woman' could be considered 'getting away with it'.

 

She has lost a lot. She has lost me, many family members are distancing themselves, most of her friends want nothing to do with her (not just the ones she cheated on).

 

I consider that a pretty huge loss. Hardly getting away with it.

[2sunny]

I can't see how you expect your wife to be a healthy role model for your kids - when she's slept with a ton of men while married!

 

That's NOT a good example that you want your kids to see as what they aspire to!

 

My hope is that your kids don't have to be exposed to the slut that she really is.

 

And you should be sure they don't have to be around her if she's up to her old tricks - which she will be.

 

I can't see how that would be a good influence on them.

 

 

To meet and have dinner with her once a week? Sure!

 

But to be subjected to what she really is on a usual basis - NO WAY!!!

[Shocked Suzie]

Jack your doing great, so grounded so early on good on you I fully understand that feeling of taking moral high ground, I too feel this way and have always stood by the fact that I can walk away from my marriage with my head held high knowing that I didn't give up, walk away or at any time been disrespectful or unfair....I've not behaved this way for him, I've done it for me, my mental health and to ensure that my main focus are my two fantastic children.

 

I refuse to give him an inch of my energy! It's a shame we have to wait a year to be able to divorce here, I would love to get thing done & dusted ASAP sadly that's not going to happen just yet

 

 

All the very best you are also being a great role model for your hurt children...

Edited April 13, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[troubadour]

I can't see how you expect your wife to be a healthy role model for your kids - when she's slept with a ton of men while married!

 

That's NOT a good example that you want your kids to see as what they aspire to!

 

My hope is that your kids don't have to be exposed to the slut that she really is.

 

And you should be sure they don't have to be around her if she's up to her old tricks - which she will be.

 

I can't see how that would be a good influence on them.

 

 

To meet and have dinner with her once a week? Sure!

 

But to be subjected to what she really is on a usual basis - NO WAY!!!

 

 

It is called life and one has to deal with it. She slept with a ton of men but she is still their mother. Not a good role model but still their mom.

 

2sunny, would you be satisfied if the OP just killed his wife.... after all she was banging all those dudes, right?

 

I think the OP has been doing absolutely great job considering the circumstances. I truly admire him.

Edited April 13, 2013 by troubadour

[runningfar]

Children and forgiveness first, the strength to move forward... Kudos. You are an impressive man. I am sorry this happened to you.

[2sunny]

It is called life and one has to deal with it. She slept with a ton of men but she is still their mother. Not a good role model but still their mom.

 

2sunny, would you be satisfied if the OP just killed his wife.... after all she was banging all those dudes, right?

 

I think the OP has been doing absolutely great job considering the circumstances. I truly admire him.

 

Killed his wife? I never suggested that!

 

She is left with her actions representing who she is - the kids have a right to feel what they feel...

 

If that means they are angry at her for what she's done - then that is for her to repair.

[Lostinlife4now]

Things are actually looking positive here. Well as positive as they can be when a marriage breaks down.

 

I have met and discussed options with a lawyer. I have had my first counseling session. More importantly though, I have sat down a few times with my wife and discussed the future. She understands clearly that we are through and that we need to sort out the mess that has been made.

 

I asked her to take into consideration the last 10 years and what she has been doing when deciding on custody and divorce settlement. I asked her just to keep that in mind. We decided that we wanted to keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

 

To that end we have come to an agreement (obviously nothing official yet) in regards to custody and splitting everything up. Most importantly the kids will be staying in their home with me. I have told her that I don't want her out of their lives and she can have visitation whenever she wants. All costs in regards to the kids will be split 50/50.

 

She has been fair with what she has asked for too (at least I think so). She will get the rental unit and a holiday house we have (it's a dump so no great loss there). And we have agreed on an amount of cash to square things off. It is quite substantial but I get to keep my shares portfolio and superannuation 100% and obviously the family home so I am very happy about that.

 

We have spoken to the kids about what has been decided and they are accepting of it. I wont say they are happy, I guess no-one is, but they understand that circumstances have changed and that will affect everything. They are having their first counseling sessions today. Their mother has taken them and they are actually there at the moment.

 

My eldest daughter who has held a hatred toward her mother has calmed down a lot. I don't think she will be going to her mum for advice any time soon but at least the hostility is gone.

 

She seems genuinely remorseful and understanding of what she has done. She admits full fault and still wants to go ahead with the lie detector test to prove that she is now being totally truthful. She has asked me to prepare a list of questions and is happy for me to be there once organised if I wish. Any suggestions for questions, besides the obvious ones of course?

 

My neighbor left a note under my door apologizing and explaining that he has moved. I hadn't seen him since this came to light, I suspected he was hiding but didn't see this coming. I can't say I'm upset by it though. Things seem to be going my way.

 

I know this is not what many here want. It seems they want me to screw her out of everything but I am comfortable withing myself that this is the right way to go. My lawyer also thinks I am being too generous but says he will follow any instructions I give. I can't see the point of living a comfortable life myself while putting my wife on poverty row. Our kids have to respect their mother and will no doubt be spending time with her. How could I send them to her knowing that she is struggling to pay rent or put food on the table etc.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

WOW!!!! Mr. Jack....

 

Good for you! You are a BETTER person than I! If this makes you ok with all of this...then kudos to you!

 

God Bless You....A lesson well learned by some or all!

[Nyla]

When I read the thread opener, I feel sick.

 

Some women don't know how lucky they are and they want to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Every married person notices attractive members of the opposite sex. I certainly know when I see a handsome man on the street...but taking off my clothes for a man who isn't my husband? Bleh!

 

While you shouldn't badmouth your "wife" to your children, you are free to call your "wife" whatever you want on LS. That is what this site is for. She is a very bad mother because her behavior will probably cause trust issues in her children when they have relationships of their own. I saw a lot of infidelity growing up and it led to an unhealthy cynicism about love, along with severe difficulty trusting men.

 

Why do people bother to get married if they still want to play the field? Isn't better to be a single slut than be a cheater who drags down a whole family with loose morals?

 

You were not stupid. All you did was trust your "wife" which is nothing to be ashamed of. I do wonder if there were never any signs of her being unfaithful since your "wife" cheated for so long.

 

I wish you strength and the love of a good woman when you are ready to date again. You sound like a very good man.

[CantgetoveritNY]

WOW!!!! Mr. Jack....

 

Good for you! You are a BETTER person than I! If this makes you ok with all of this...then kudos to you!

 

God Bless You....A lesson well learned by some or all!

 

 

Me thinks thou dost protest too much. A jilted lover that is to good to be true? Does no one else smell a rat? Sorry if I'm the only skeptic.