How does someone actually get over cheating?

[Kris89]

I am 23 and have been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is 25. In the beginning of our relationship about 3 months in, I got really wasted at a party and cheated on him, unintentionally. I immediately told him the next day and we broke up.

I tried very hard to get him back. For a while I let him treat me like **** and we continued to have sexual relations for about 5 months. Finally he said he would take me back and then after 3 months we moved in with each other.

 

It's been a few years now and he is still super jealous, always thinking im lieing and gets mad tht i have male friends at college. (he doesnt go to college, i commute over an hour away because he refused to move there) I am seeking counseling for myself because I am depressed and unhappy. He refuses to come with me, and constantly asks me if I'm cheating because he thinks I'm hiding something. I don't want to be with him anymore if he continues to hold this over my head. When I try to discuss it with him, he always says getting ****ed up at a party is no excuse and he doesn't know why I would do something like that to him. I agree but I honestly did not mean to do it. i am 5'0 115lbs and was taking shots of wild turkey and soco, and smoking weed that night and one of my coworkers took advantage of me. i have been feeling like **** over this.

I even quit smoking and only drink on occasion just one drink. I have changed and he can't see it.

 

 

I don't know how to fix this anymore without just completely breaking up. It's been 3.5 years invested and I can't take much more. I'm trying to forgive myself but his jealousy and insecurity isn't helping and he won't try to fix it himself. I want to make this work but I don't know what to do anymore.

[Sivok]

Cheating IS very hard to get over - and it's a relationship breaking boundary for the majority of couples I know. It was unfair for him to take you back if it meant unhealthily breaking one of his boundaries. After 3.5 years... It's pretty clear to me he isn't ever going to get over this. The relationship should've ended 3.2 years ago

[TaraMaiden]

Clearly, he is still not over it. Even after all this time, he harbours jealousy, anger and resentment.

 

And only HE can heal from this.

 

Only HE can fix this.

 

You can bend so far backwards for him, to accommodate his wishes and try to earn his trust - but you'll only end up by thrusting your own head so far up your backside, he'll be able to roll you along....

 

Sorry, but he is doing nothing to move on.

I think you should - and in doing so, tell him that if only he had gone to RC with you, things may never have come to this.

 

I think he should still seek counselling.

I think you should be alone for a while...

 

Oh, and FWIW: There is NO SUCH THING as 'cheating unintentionally'.

 

Please.....

[tbf]

Did you notice how you've framed everything as the passive victim for both the cheating and your relationship?

[sabre80]

Did you notice how you've framed everything as the passive victim for both the cheating and your relationship?

 

I second this sentiment. If you TRULY want to salvage this relationship you have your work cut out for you. I read in a book (I think it was the 5 love languages) that love is like a bank account. Love needs trust. Trust itself has its own bank account. You make deposits over time and trust builds.

 

Trust takes a long time to build up, but it can be depleted in a blink of a One night stand. You not only emptied your trust bank account you went into trust debt. First off you need to have a calm rational discussion and let him know what you intend to do to earn his trust back.

 

Stop drinking. You did not accidentally get drunk you chose to drink. Quit drinking all together. Cut ties to male friends. It is strongly debated in MANY forums concerning relationships weather or not it is appropriate for a woman in a relationship can maintain a platonic friendship with the opposite sex. You cheated on him so if you want trust back you have to take steps to earn that trust and defend it. One does not deserve trust. They earn trust. You need to pay trust back with interest. Be transparent in everything you do. Do not wait for him to ask where you have been. Make sure he never needs to question you by opening yourself completely. More so than any normal relationship.

 

If you think the above is unfair or unreasonable, you need to move on. Because that is the only way you will make it work.

[Darren Steez]

First off lady let's clear up one thing..you are not the victim. You smoked and drank and your co-worker didn't take advantage of you, unless it was rape, then that's a crime. Things happened because you both allowed them to happen, so instead of minimizing and playing the pseudo-victim, own up to it.

 

You're together for the wrong reasons. You said he treated you like sh*t in the beginning, well he still is. It's a struggle to get over cheating, you most likely destroyed the man you knew, in his place is a bit of a bastard, a little colder and a hell of alot more untrusting. But you've got to be grown up about this, either he wants to make it work and stop punishing you or you call it quits.

 

Talk to him, seek counselling if you need to, but refusal is not an option if you want to make it work.

 

There is no future if things continue like this. Harsh but true.

[loversquarrel]

Cheating is very difficult to get over, almost impossible due to how much it changes the fundamental dynamics of the relationship. Imagine taking the foundation out from under a house....once that foundation is gone the integrity of the structure goes along with it.

 

It is also not uncommon for victims of infidelity to have difficulties with future relationships.

 

I think you also need to accept responsibility for your actions. Not doing so has contributed to his resentment and failed to give him closure. In this situation, nothing pisses a guy off more than excuses, and this is all you've been doing all these years. Its akin to lying - he's looking for you to tell him what he already knows - you did it because you were attracted to someone else. This will give him the closure he needs, then break up with him. He loves you and doesn't want to lose you....but he has to. He may not want to be the one who has to decide on whether or not to be with you. It sounds strange but his behavior is a way of asking you to break up with him, the way you should have before you cheated on him.

[sayyes19]

I am 23 and have been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is 25. In the beginning of our relationship about 3 months in, I got really wasted at a party and cheated on him, unintentionally. I immediately told him the next day and we broke up.

I tried very hard to get him back. For a while I let him treat me like **** and we continued to have sexual relations for about 5 months. Finally he said he would take me back and then after 3 months we moved in with each other.

 

It's been a few years now and he is still super jealous, always thinking im lieing and gets mad tht i have male friends at college. (he doesnt go to college, i commute over an hour away because he refused to move there) I am seeking counseling for myself because I am depressed and unhappy. He refuses to come with me, and constantly asks me if I'm cheating because he thinks I'm hiding something. I don't want to be with him anymore if he continues to hold this over my head. When I try to discuss it with him, he always says getting ****ed up at a party is no excuse and he doesn't know why I would do something like that to him. I agree but I honestly did not mean to do it. i am 5'0 115lbs and was taking shots of wild turkey and soco, and smoking weed that night and one of my coworkers took advantage of me. i have been feeling like **** over this.

I even quit smoking and only drink on occasion just one drink. I have changed and he can't see it.

 

 

I don't know how to fix this anymore without just completely breaking up. It's been 3.5 years invested and I can't take much more. I'm trying to forgive myself but his jealousy and insecurity isn't helping and he won't try to fix it himself. I want to make this work but I don't know what to do anymore.

Nobody ever gets completely over cheating. A lot of people have been married for 30 years and can't forgive an infidelity that happened 23 years ago. If you want to always be resented stay in the relationship, but you are not old enough to let 3.5 years dictate the rest of your life. If you stay with him let him know that he can either take you as you are or lose you. If he can't handle it, you just be a better person in the future and I am sure you will find someone more compatible.

ps: don't just leave without explaining once you've reached a decision...he deserves an explanation (I've been there)

Edited April 4, 2013 by sayyes19

[CC12]

one of my coworkers took advantage of me.

 

I'm hesitant to get too deep into this point because this forum isn't really a good place to talk about sexual assault. I will say that I think this statement deserves a lot of introspection on your part.

 

As far as your relationship, it seems really unfair that this is still an issue more than three years later. This either should have been resolved and over like a couple of years ago, or the relationship should have ended if one party couldn't get passed it. I get that it's hard to build trust once it's broken, but you can't be punished forever. There's a cutoff.

 

I really think you should break up.

[carhill]

I really think you should break up.

 

Seconded. Young people should see these experiences as life lessons and move on, IMO. There are billions of people on the planet. Date someone else and start fresh with the lessons learned after taking some *alone time* to actually absorb and integrate the lessons. Good luck.

[Kris89]

I just realized that I sound like a passive victim. I sunk into such a deep depression after the situation happened. I am finally coming out of it and am working on myself and the relationship. I guess after staying with him after doing this has caused more harm, for both of us. I agree I shouldn't have used the word unintentional. I was apparently too drunk to say no to my coworker, and realized it in the morning. I don't remember anything except waking up next to him. I get so guilty I was vomiting. I have never done that before nor have I since. I guess I allowed him to push me away and be rude because I felt that I deserved it. But after investing so much tome and eneregy in trying to make him happy and to forgive me, it still isn't working. I feel like the victim because I can't get out of this mess I created. I am not allowing myseld forgiveness until I get it, but I don't want that anymore. I know I must be a terrible person to most of you but if you ever truly made a big mistake wouldn't you hope for forgiveness after 3 years? I am now trying not to be the victim but that is all I know how to be. it's going to be hard but I will try until I can't anymore. Thank you for opening my eyes to being the passive victim. I am young but I don't feel it. Hopefully I can forgive myself and learn from this.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Kris89

[CC12]

I agree I shouldn't have used the word unintentional. I was apparently too drunk to say no to my coworker, and realized it in the morning. I don't remember anything except waking up next to him.

 

I think the word unintentional is fine. It sounds like you don't even remember having sex. It shouldn't have happened, but I don't think it's all your fault, and I'm not comfortable even calling it cheating. In any case, you don't deserve to have your nose rubbed in it and it's not an excuse for people to treat you like ****.

 

You said you were seeking counseling, and I think that is a very good idea. What do you think about breaking up with your boyfriend? Are you considering that at all?

[WhoreyBull]

Whether or not the cheating was unintentional, your boyfriend agreed to try and make your relationship work and now he isn't . It sounds like you told him all the details you recall, you are remorseful, and are making decisions that show you are looking to change, it's not fair for him to lord this over you.

Kimberly is right, trust is very hard to get back and the person you meet now is probably not going to be your partner forever. What you did wasn't your fault if you were that drunk, but unfortunately it did screw things up in your relationship.

 

And consider...

You had a one night impaired mistake and did something out of character. He is making the choice each day to remain mad at you. You didn't know this guy very long before the cheating happened. He "broke up" with you but continued ****ing you and letting you feel bad. Then he decides to take you back and keeps you feeling bad in the relationship. How don't you know he wouldn't have been doing this anyways? It sounds to me he enjoys holding a grudge and having power over you.

[TaraMaiden]

^^^Very well put ^^^

 

OP:

Time to cut your losses, and bail.

[Kris89]

I have considered breaking up with him. He says he loves me and when I bring it up it just upsets him and he says I need to get over it. But I feel the guilt weighing us down. I'm going to work with my counselor on what I should do. I see it as he wants to see me as a more mature person but he won't allow himself to. His family and I have gotten very close and all of my family has moved out of the state, so I don't really have anywhere to go or turn to. It's ok thank you all for your opinions. I needed to hear them. <3

[rhcp77]

Hi kris,

 

I am not an expert in relationships but i thought i could help.

 

I am too going through a similar problem. I got really messed up at this party last weekend and I ended up cheating on my gf as well. I am ashamed at myself and it is a huge blow to my character. However I guess we both need to learn to be compassionate to ourselves and love ourselves and practice forgiveness. You have to accept what happened, know that what we did was wrong and take responsibility for what happened.

 

I am sorry about what you went through as someone who experienced the guilt myself. I just want to let you know that you are not the only one going through this and you are taking the right steps by going on here and talking to a counselor. I hope we can both be wise about our future choices and wish you contentment, clarity, and happiness.

[drifter777]

I have considered breaking up with him. He says he loves me and when I bring it up it just upsets him and he says I need to get over it. But I feel the guilt weighing us down. I'm going to work with my counselor on what I should do. I see it as he wants to see me as a more mature person but he won't allow himself to. His family and I have gotten very close and all of my family has moved out of the state, so I don't really have anywhere to go or turn to. It's ok thank you all for your opinions. I needed to hear them. <3

 

Since you aren't married and don't have kids, breaking up is by far the best option at this point. He's trying to hold back his feelings for some reason but there is a part of him that will hate you forever for what you did. Just because you don't think it was that big a thing doesn't mean you didn't cheat on him. No matter how much you try and minimize what you did by blaming the booze and saying how you were taken advantage of, that fact is you killed your relationship when you took off your panties that night.

[ChessPieceFace]

Before reading your post I thought you were the one cheated on. And I was going to tell you "you SHOULDN'T get over cheating, you should date someone who isn't a cheater."

 

So you have your sob story and excuses. The cheaters always have excuses. I'm not your judge. But if I'm going to be nice and believe you're worth someone's 2nd chance:

 

- Couples therapy. Seriously, was this mentioned and I missed it?

- Avoid situations where you're partying or drinking with other guys. Avoid situations where it even looks like you could be messing around. Figure out how to spend time with him or with your female friends or involve yourself in activities which couldn't possibly involve cheating.

- Maybe let him run an app on your phone or whatever to keep tabs on you at all times, until he feels like he can trust you again. That is total crap, I agree. But so is staying with a cheater. I guess you can't expect anything ideal now, can you? Nothing's going to EVER be ideal now.

[Cinderella01]

Cheating IS very hard to get over - and it's a relationship breaking boundary for the majority of couples I know. It was unfair for him to take you back if it meant unhealthily breaking one of his boundaries. After 3.5 years... It's pretty clear to me he isn't ever going to get over this. The relationship should've ended 3.2 years ago

 

I have to agree with Sivok - you never get over the cheating.

[sunbeach200]

OP it's clear that you feel remorse over what you have done.

 

You have stopped drinking, you are doing IC. This should be a good indication that you are genuinely sorry for your actions.We all make mistakes and we all deserve second chances.

Your partner needs to stop his paranoia. I know it's tough for him to trust you but he needs to draw the line and either decide to forgive you and make it work or he needs to let you go. It's not fair on both of you for him to keep dragging the past into the present! I think he needs to do counselling with you and then decide if he can get over it.

 

My bf cheated on me last July.i went through hell for five months after that. It was so painful. But throughout this time my partner was consistently remorseful and i could see that he made the most stupid mistake of his life.

I had to go through anger and anguish to get to the point of knowing what I wanted. I made the decision to forgive him and we reconciled in December. But it was based on the condition that we did couple therapy together and this helped us both to openly communicate our fears in a healthy way. it really bonded us again.

 

It takes two to make it work. If you have been consistently sorry then he needs to let the past be the past. You both will never forget it but its very possible to live with it.

 

My relationship is really good. I certainly don't sit there thinking he may be cheating.

Cause A. I doubt he would after what we have both been through and B.

I made the decision to forgive him and carry on with the relationship.so I will not keep bringing up the past.I will give him the benefit of the doubt and live my life peacefully.

Edited April 8, 2013 by sunbeach200

[ChessPieceFace]

We all make mistakes and we all deserve second chances.

 

Totally disagree. Very few cheaters deserve second chances. Cheaters are who they are, and they're probably going to do it again. The price of her second chance is too high because it has a high probability of wrecking an innocent guy's world.

 

Your partner needs to stop his paranoia.

 

It's not paranoia, she's a proven cheater.

[CC12]

Jesus.

 

OP, all of the people who have responded with things like, "Grrr proven cheater, look at all this pain you caused, [and other unkind things I don't want to repeat]" are saying the same kinds of things your boyfriend says to you, huh? It's not nice and it's not warranted. This thing happened over three years ago. It should be over. You don't need to be continuously punished for it, by anyone.

 

I said it before, but I want to repeat myself.

this forum isn't really a good place to talk about sexual assault

Please, try to find a forum that is more sensitive to date rape and/or sexual assault issues.

[Neffer]

Jesus.

 

OP, all of the people who have responded with things like, "Grrr proven cheater, look at all this pain you caused, [and other unkind things I don't want to repeat]" are saying the same kinds of things your boyfriend says to you, huh? It's not nice and it's not warranted. This thing happened over three years ago. It should be over. You don't need to be continuously punished for it, by anyone.

 

I said it before, but I want to repeat myself. Please, try to find a forum that is more sensitive to date rape and/or sexual assault issues.

 

THANK YOU. The bashing on here is getting a bit thick in more ways than one.

 

From my first reading of this I thought date rape. I have a friend who went through something similar in college. She woke up after blacking out in a different bed, no recollection. Its called grey rape - as in grey area, acquaintance rape. It happens to young women sickeningly often.

 

I also agree with your advice to the OP. The girl does not need to be this boards whipping boy. She is seeking help and advice. If you want to pile on and rail at her, I don't think that serves any purpose. It certainly isn't advice.

[sunbeach200]

Totally disagree. Very few cheaters deserve second chances. Cheaters are who they are, and they're probably going to do it again. The price of her second chance is too high because it has a high probability of wrecking an innocent guy's world.

 

 

 

It's not paranoia, she's a proven cheater.

 

Crikey folks. We are talking about an incident that happened years ago. This should have ended ages ago or moved forward into a healthier state.

 

OP no one has a crystal ball. There are no answers to life, only choices. If your BF wants to give you a second chance then he needs to stop using your past as any excuse to vent his anger. Its way too unhealthy for him.

I really think he needs to do councelling to clear his head. Being the way he is is not helping either of you. He has no right to keep mentally abusing you over this.

 

If he cant ever trust you then he needs to leave the relationship. Simple as that. He forgives you and focuses on letting go of his bitterness or he calls it quits.

 

I will never trust my partner 100% but my trust in him is being rebuilt and slowly restored. I refuse to sit there and drown in anger and think of what ifs

Whats the point of it? Waste of time

[sunbeach200]

Totally disagree. Very few cheaters deserve second chances. Cheaters are who they are, and they're probably going to do it again. The price of her second chance is too high because it has a high probability of wrecking an innocent guy's world.

 

 

 

It's not paranoia, she's a proven cheater.

 

Absolute rubbish. "Once a cheat always a cheat"... such a stupid statement.

People can change if they want to.

 

I cheated in all my relationships in my 20's. Its been over 20 years ago and I have NO DESIRE to cheat. Why? Because I have changed, my life has changed. Nothing stays stagnant. You roll with the times and things you wanted back then has no more meaning.