How does someone actually get over cheating?

[TaraMaiden]

Totally disagree. Very few cheaters deserve second chances. Cheaters are who they are, and they're probably going to do it again. The price of her second chance is too high because it has a high probability of wrecking an innocent guy's world.

 

Getting on your hight horse again?

If cheaters cheat, they make it a habit. The last - and only - time was three years ago.

Tarring everyone with the same brush does you no favours. It turns you into a misogynistic ranter.

 

Which does you no credit....

 

It's not paranoia, she's a proven cheater.

 

Yeah and he's a proven sadist.

This was 3 years ago,

 

he needs to get over it.

And himself.

I doubt he's all that.

[TaraMaiden]

Absolute rubbish. "Once a cheat always a cheat"... such a stupid statement.

People can change if they want to.

 

I cheated in all my relationships in my 20's. Its been over 20 years ago and I have NO DESIRE to cheat. Why? Because I have changed, my life has changed. Nothing stays stagnant. You roll with the times and things you wanted back then has no more meaning.

 

Absolute rubbish. "Once a cheat always a cheat"... such a stupid statement.

People can change if they want to.

 

I cheated in all my relationships in my 20's. Its been over 20 years ago and I have NO DESIRE to cheat. Why? Because I have changed, my life has changed. Nothing stays stagnant. You roll with the times and things you wanted back then has no more meaning.

 

There's the key hunny-bun.

 

It's the 'wanting to' that is the nub.....

 

Most continue cheating - because they want to.

 

The OP changed - because she wanted to. She realised that one moment's folly could lead to a lifetime's heartache.

 

her partner is the one who hasn't 'changed'.

He's still stuck in "I can never forgive you!" mode.

 

Unfortunately, the bitter-brewers, who harbour grudges, find it hard to drop their attitudes.

It's not healthy, but it happens.

[TaraMaiden]

Funny... how you guys shift blames and put all the responsibility of the situation on the bf of the OP... [

Who's put 'All' the responsibility on the bf? She cheated. She acknowledges it and so do we.

But it happened ONCE.

3 years ago.

 

Do you still resent something someone did to you 3 years ago??

 

He chose to keep in the relationship? Well as far as I know she has made the same choice so far.. hasn't see..

Yes, but with constant beatings round the head, metaphorically speaking.

How long does someone have to put up with being beaten around the head, when they've apologised and shown remorse?

 

You can't tell someone how long he needs to heal for a betrayal, you just can't... you can accept that person needs time and will have triggers and get "bitter" as some here like to say or you can move on and let this guy find someone who will not cheat on him...

That's providing the person WANTS to move on and heal.

The effort has to be there. Just as much as a cheater has to be seen to be changing, and making the appropriate efforts - so a relationship is a 2-way thing. At the moment the work is all one-sided....

 

OP's choice is to be with this guy every day... everyone in a relationship makes this choice daily...she can walk away or she can face that what she will need to keep working to help him heal till he feels he can trust again.

Yeah, but she's now choosing to walk away - that's why she's posted. To gain support in trying to do the right thing.

 

Where's your problem with that?

If I would be her I would be happy... he at least loves her enough not to dump her like she deserved. He wants to work it out...but it takes time...

 

Bullschytt. he has no intention of healing. He would rather inflict pain and guilt and shove it down her throat for the foreseeable future, because that's how he has chosen to deal with it.

 

And that - is not healthy. 3 months, 3 years or 30 down the line.

 

the question is OP... do you want to invest that time or are you going to again be selfish and let him down?

 

Oh, load the question, why don't you?

 

 

Yes, OP. Be selfish, let him down and live your life free of being beaten around the head with a single incident which happened 3 years ago and for which you have perpetually sought forgiveness for.

 

Honestly, [highlight]animalover[/highlight] you and [highlight]ChessPieceFace[/highlight] make a great 'bittermuch?' team.....

Edited April 9, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[drifter777]

THANK YOU. The bashing on here is getting a bit thick in more ways than one.

 

From my first reading of this I thought date rape. I have a friend who went through something similar in college. She woke up after blacking out in a different bed, no recollection. Its called grey rape - as in grey area, acquaintance rape. It happens to young women sickeningly often.

 

I also agree with your advice to the OP. The girl does not need to be this boards whipping boy. She is seeking help and advice. If you want to pile on and rail at her, I don't think that serves any purpose. It certainly isn't advice.

 

Help and advice is what she is getting. Posters like you see it one way and most of us see it another way. In the end, OP must do what she thinks is best and all we're doing is trying to help. The power of LS is that we get posters that cover a pretty wide spectrum of experiences and so have many different perspectives.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh gimme a break.

 

It's always the same old same-old schytt from the same old posters. People siding with their own gender, and hardly ever contributing to posts by the opposites in the same boat.

 

At least I'm consistent, and don't discriminate.

if someone's messed up: I say so, whether they're male or female.

If someone needs help or support, I give it, whether they're male or female.

If someone's cheating - I give them my opinion, whether they're male or female.

 

Some members make it a career of coming down heavily on one gender, and avoiding criticising the other.

 

THAT'S what peeves me off.

Not so much this thread alone, but the constant 'bitching' against women, because they had a bad experience with one.

 

After a while the record gets stuck....

[TaraMaiden]

Kris, this comment stood out to me

 

So I take it that you do think getting drunk at a party is an excuse?

 

Ah, but she also said this:

 

I just realized that I sound like a passive victim. I sunk into such a deep depression after the situation happened. I am finally coming out of it and am working on myself and the relationship. I guess after staying with him after doing this has caused more harm, for both of us. I agree I shouldn't have used the word unintentional. I was apparently too drunk to say no to my coworker, and realized it in the morning. I don't remember anything except waking up next to him. I get so guilty I was vomiting. I have never done that before nor have I since. I guess I allowed him to push me away and be rude because I felt that I deserved it. But after investing so much tome and eneregy in trying to make him happy and to forgive me, it still isn't working. I feel like the victim because I can't get out of this mess I created. I am not allowing myseld forgiveness until I get it, but I don't want that anymore. I know I must be a terrible person to most of you but if you ever truly made a big mistake wouldn't you hope for forgiveness after 3 years? I am now trying not to be the victim but that is all I know how to be. it's going to be hard but I will try until I can't anymore. Thank you for opening my eyes to being the passive victim. I am young but I don't feel it. Hopefully I can forgive myself and learn from this.

[/i]

[TaraMaiden]

Oh now this is a gender thing? I guess all the times I have given the exact same posts to men doesn't exist? Please

 

(Shouldn't that be "Bitch, please!".....? )

 

 

And so do I. You can't prove otherwise because I have jumped down the throats of men who have cheated. Hell, they are the ones that give the rest of us a bad name. So actually it pisses me off more.

Actually, nowhere in my 'rant' was I targeting you, and neither was I including you. And I know you're unbiased.

 

 

 

And what evidence do you have here in this thread that they are doing this just because she is female?

It's a bit of a haul, and I understand if you don't want to, but their posting history is pretty revealing....

 

But it sure looks as if you are defending her because its a female, so maybe it is a gender thing

 

No, I think that's just a dig, because you know i don't do that.

 

[Joaquin]

Since neither op nor the bf are progressing it seems a break up may be best for both.

 

Infidelity in all its forms is so destructive.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Joaquin

[TaraMaiden]

Oh I don't know. I would think if that were true, you'd actually agree with them. I mean if someone cheats, and you are against such, what does it matter the gender of the offender, and those that are criticizing?

 

Not sure about Chess, but I've seen animalover give men and women the business with regards to cheating.

 

And just so we are clear, the whole "coworker took advantage of me" is just an excuse. This is why I don't date partiers. People know what they are doing when they go to parties. And it isn't to mingle with members of the same sex.

 

Did you not see my first post?

[lolablue17]

ou wounded your relationship, and it seems your BF cant or doesnt want to heal it.

 

So, because you are the reason, you are the one who should take responsibility to solve this issue.

 

Tell him today (with a lot of Empathy and softness) that you tried all you can do to solve the problem you caused, and you failed. you just cant fix it on your own, and you need his help.

If he is strong enough to help you (by leaving all and totally behind him), so you can be both happy.

If he can't, (and its very understandable if he can't) so sadly, this is the end. it just doesn't work, and you both deserve new start.

[sunbeach200]

ou wounded your relationship, and it seems your BF cant or doesnt want to heal it.

 

So, because you are the reason, you are the one who should take responsibility to solve this issue.

 

Tell him today (with a lot of Empathy and softness) that you tried all you can do to solve the problem you caused, and you failed. you just cant fix it on your own, and you need his help.

If he is strong enough to help you (by leaving all and totally behind him), so you can be both happy.

If he can't, (and its very understandable if he can't) so sadly, this is the end. it just doesn't work, and you both deserve new start.

 

Agree with that.

 

I understand that your BF has trust issues but it seems like he enjoys playing the victim. Why doesn't he want to do councelling with you? It would really benefit you both.He needs to sort himself out and either focus on forgiving you or leaving you. The past needs to stay in the past.

 

Three years to toooo long to still be badgering you with guilt! Successful healing only happens if both partners are willing to move forward. He clearly doesn't want to do the work to get his mind into a healthier state.

[stealthy]

If you feel bad about it, don't intend on doing it again and genuinely love him, I don't why you had to tell him.

 

Call me naive or oblivious but if my gf cheated on me physically and cut off all ties with the other person, I'd just rather not know since it affects everything.

[TaraMaiden]

I have a question. How do you genuinely love someone, but f### them over in one of the worst and most hurtful ways?

Because love and sex are to different things.

 

It can happen with some women.

It's a far more common concept with men.

 

But FFS, this happened 3 goddam years ago, folks.

 

let's get over it, shall we?

[road]

To the OP, you, your BF, and your IC do not have the tools to help your BF heal for being cheated on. A book for married people, Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley outlines all the steps needed to recover from infidelity.

 

However at this point your BF does not want and or can not heal from being cheated on. Maybe the book will help.

 

Odds are that the book will not help and you need to end this relationship because he will not heal from your cheating.

 

As other's have pointed out you are making excuses for your cheating. Admiting that you cheated is not the same as owning the blame.

[TaraMaiden]

That wasn't the question, the question was how do you genuinely love someone and f*** them over, and more to the point, HURT THEM in one of the worst ways?

 

If you genuinely love someone you won't do anything to HURT them.

 

Your logic there is like saying you can genuinely love someone, yet go around town telling people you are married to a complete piece of *****, because being a piece of ***** and love are 2 different things.

 

Because people don't stop to think of the consequences when they think with their emotions instead of their logic.

Or to put it more bluntly, thinking with their genitals as opposed to their heads.

 

I have sat in front of countless couples, where the cheater has insisted hand on heart, they were completely in love with their partner - yet they still cheated.

9 times out of ten, the sexual draw was too great for them to resist.

What made them not resist it, was covered by reasons too many and varied to mention; but it always came down to the same thing:

 

They wanted sex, and they wanted sex with someone else.

 

That's why I answered the way I did.

because fundamentally, the emotional attraction was stronger than what held them in the relationship with their partner.

 

And maintaining that connection is a 2-way wonder; it can't be engineered by one member alone.

Like I always say: Blame is proportional.

Responsibility - for the state and well-being of the relationship - is equally divisible.

[KatZee]

Honestly, not every person is capable of getting over cheating and continuing on with the relationship in a healthy way.

 

Sounds like he does love you, hence why he got back with you, but he's not the type of person who truly forgives or moves on from infidelity.

 

The relationship isn't healthy and it hasn't been for a long time. He has every right to be hurt and to continue to feel hurt and betrayed by you. It's probably best not to take this relationship any further because I don't see him waking up one day and being over it.

 

When someone cheats on you, the image, the thought of it, the feeling of hurt and betrayal, the devastation... it never goes away. Ever.

 

My ex cheated on me. And I gave him a second chance. We only lasted 9 more months after his confession. I loved him so I stayed but the resentment, the anger, the disgust I felt towards him... it was too much. One afternoon I remember him saying he saw hate in my eyes and it scared him.

 

I loved him but I loved myself way more than to just move on from it. After we broke up I realized I never truly forgave him at all.

 

It's too painful being with someone who has disrespected you in the highest form. He has to look into your eyes every single day, and there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't picture you screwing another guy. It's horrible.

 

Only if/when this happens to you, will you understand it. Let him go. Let him be free to find a healthy love.

 

What I learned from being cheated on is that if anyone cheats on me going forward, it's done. There will be no second chances no matter what the situation is. It will be completely and utterly done.

Edited April 16, 2013 by KatZee

[sunbeach200]

Not to rock the boat but I know several married people who cheated, went through therapy and cheated again. They did feel remorseful but old habits, big egos and unhealthy coping mechanisms take a loooong time to change. Usually a few therapy sessions doesnt do it.

 

Cheating is a dealbreaker in my book. I am a guy and I know many guys that cheat act remorseful and continue to do it just get better at hiding it. I wouldnt blame females for being paranoid. I would dump a girl who cheated no hesitation. She would end up dumping me if I didnt. I would probably never want to have sex with her again

 

I also know several married people who cheated, went through therapy and haven't cheated since. I know people who have cheated once on their partner and have no intention of cheating again because they hate themselves for doing it...that the sexual chase wasnt worth jeopardising their relationship with their partner...really does depend on the person's thinking after cheating on their partner.

 

This is not a one template fits all. Everyones situation is different.

 

But life is about making choices and if the Bf decided to give the OP a second chance then he needs to move forward by forgiving her.Otherwise he needs to man up and leave her cause its not doing both of them any good

[sunbeach200]

That wasn't the question, the question was how do you genuinely love someone and f*** them over, and more to the point, HURT THEM in one of the worst ways?

 

If you genuinely love someone you won't do anything to HURT them.

 

Your logic there is like saying you can genuinely love someone, yet go around town telling people you are married to a complete piece of *****, because being a piece of ***** and love are 2 different things.

 

My BF had a ONS with an ex. He got lost in the sexual chase as she had dumped him three years ago and he had sexually yearned for her during that time.After he had sex with her he felt as immense wave of emptiness and was filled with self loathing. The guilt he felt was horrendous and he confessed within days because he could not live with his guilt.

 

I know for a fact that he loved me back then, that he loves me still. He basically was thinking with his c..k and not with his heart. He never wanted to hurt me and never intends to hurt me again. I believe him. Sex and love can be separated for some people.

[coltsfan1]

And not everyone can accept that your so decided to have an ONS and come with the tail between the legs back to you and tell you how much he loves you...

You can... congratulations! I would have dumped him at that same instant!

 

Cheating is the most selfish act you can do... you are putting your sexual pleasure above the well being of the person you are supposed to love and take care... and no, cheating is NOT a mistake... it is a voluntary act of treason...

 

A voluntary act of treason..... That's is a new way to look at it, and a new verbiage to it. I couldn't agree more, and I don't think you get over cheating. I'm my case I just got past it, but it took months!!! Hurt like hell going through but well worth the pain in the end.

[sunbeach200]

And not everyone can accept that your so decided to have an ONS and come with the tail between the legs back to you and tell you how much he loves you...

You can... congratulations! I would have dumped him at that same instant!

 

Cheating is the most selfish act you can do... you are putting your sexual pleasure above the well being of the person you are supposed to love and take care... and no, cheating is NOT a mistake... it is a voluntary act of treason...

 

I agree cheating is not a mistake but it doesnt mean that a person who cheated is a terrible person on the whole. People can lose control and do things that they regret afterwards. They can also change if desire.

No one template fits all.

[TaraMaiden]

You could use the same arguments about a child rapist or a murderer.... sorry but cheater and terrible person go hand I hand...a good person don't do such a horrible thing to those he/she is supposed to love and protect...

 

 

You could say.... But you shouldn't.

The two are not the same thing at all.

 

A child rapist is preying on a vulnerable, weak, defenceless individual, it is a heinous and despicable physical attack, and it's against the law.

 

A murderer is taking away the life of another individual and - guess what - ?

 

That's against the law too.

 

Cheating may be hurtful - but it's an emotional wound, and not one which will ultimately land you with a prison sentence....

[sunbeach200]

Please note that I am not comparing cheating to child raping or murdering ....I said that the same lame defensive arguments defending the cheaters ( losing control, etc) can be used for murderers and rapist too...

 

Regardless of being legal or not cheating is very damaging.... in the infidelity forum I have read women who said they have been raped and cheated on and the latest was much more damaging for them....they argument was that the rape was done by a complete stranger while the cheating was done by someone they thought would never harm them voluntarily... to me it make sense while I have not been raped or cheated on I think I would prefer someone to rape my body than the person I love to rape my soul with their cheating.

 

Jesus. I doubt you would want to be raped. I personally would prefere to be cheated on ten fold than having to go through such a terrifying ordeal as rape.

[TaraMaiden]

I'd be interested to see those comments, from raped women, because firstly, both have happened to me, and believe me when I tell you, I would much rather be cheated on than raped.

 

Secondly, over 80% of women know who their attacker is.

I knew mine.

Which actually makes it far worse for the woman, because the element of shock is increased dramatically.

And I cannot for the life of me believe that a woman feels worse for being cheated on, than being raped.

 

So as i said: point me to those threads, thanks.

[Jbum5]

Let's get real here - there is no way to actually get over cheating, only to ignore it. But then the question becomes: how long can you ignore for before it consumes you inside out?

[grace777]

Mannnn - you guys have gone way off the road on this one. First of all some of the metaphors or parallels are way over-dramatic and, honestly, disconnected to the issue. I mean really, comparing child molestation or rape to cheating --- reign it in now, you're spiraling out of control.

 

Agreed that cheating sucks. I have never cheated, but have been cheated on once. I also vowed that I'd never let it happen again.

 

However (and back to the OP), they were together for over 3 years...AND this took place at the relationship's infancy. Many people who date aren't even exclusive at the 3 month mark. Three subsequent years passed and he's still guilting her over it? No - OP, time to go.

 

I agree that he loves you and I can see that you love him, so maybe have that heart-to-heart as someone else recommended. If he's willing to go to counseling with you to work this out, and if he's willing to make the steps to put it in the past, then maybe you have a shot. If he can't (and that IS totally understandable), then you must leave him. And really cut all ties. He will obviously have a very hard time letting go.

 

My heart goes out to both of you in this relationship. But let's be real. (1) The cheating took place at the very start of the new relationship. (2) It's now been over 3 years and he's still making her feel horrible for it. (3) When it happened she was like 20 years old if I recall...she's now older and more mature.

 

I honestly think that if he'd shown this inability to let go of anger and inability to forgive for virtually ANY other reason, she'd have left him long ago. But she felt guilty. And her guilt kept her there. Now so much time has passed that it seems impossible to give up "after all we've been through."

 

My perception is that this relationship, ironically, wouldn't have lasted this long if there wasn't cheating. That resulted in a guilt/power thing that kept an incompatible couple, fighting for compatibility.

 

Try if you want to try. For sure be kind with your words, and be gentle and loving in whatever avenue you take, but you must take some action. Now. As it currently stands, this relationship is bad for both of you.