in love with one man, cant stop thinking about another

[arcadia]

In a nutshell: I am with one man (lets call him Joe) and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't stop thinking about another man (Sam) which i dated prior to my relationship with Joe.

 

 

In Detail: I had a thing for Sam for a long long time. He was my ideal guy in all ways: Handsome, smart, talented, loved the same music i did, romantic, etc. I had been trying to work my magic with Sam for almost a year before we finally got together. I thought the day would never come that he would tell me he returned my feelings. But one day he did... problem was... he was a bit too late.. i was already getting kinda involved with Joe.

 

Now Joe was one of my best male friends. I hadn't known him as long as i had known Sam, but i got along with him perfectly and we were completely comfortable around eachother and had a blast every time we hung out. I didn't have any feelings for him at first, it wasnt until he confessed his feelings for me that I started to consider it. I was apprehensive to get involved with him because he was my friend and also he is 30 and i am only 22. Regardless, i decided to give it a chance and try dating him a little to see what happened.

 

 

Now the problem here was.. while i was casually seeing both Sam and Joe at first.. somehow, they both got serious at the same time. I wasn't really ready for a serious commitment with either, because i wasnt ready to choose one.. but i figured i HAD to at that point. After long hard thought I chose Joe. Why? well, because while Sam and i got along great , i felt myself wanting to spend more time with Joe, so eventually, Sam was out of the picture and I was with Joe exclusively.

 

So NOW.. Almost as year later, Joe and I are still together.. and while we have had our problems, i still believe we are on the road to marriage. BUT.. lately, i can't stop thinking about Sam. And i get this horrible feeling of regret. I dont regret being with Joe, but i regret not getting to spend more time with Sam.. i wasnt quite done with my relationship with Sam before i was forced to cut it off. I still had feelings for him.. and well.. i still do to this day.

 

I dont want to break up with Joe for Sam.. but i am REALLY afraid i will feel this regret my entire life. After all, i am only 22..

 

So i guess my question is.. has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you feel your regret long after you were married? Does it ever go away?

[tanbark813]

I can't really relate to your situation personally, but have you ever considered the possibility that if you chose Sam instead, then you'd be feeling this way about Joe now? It's just a thought, but maybe you would feel this way about whichever guy you missed out because of the nature of the situation rather than the guy in question.

 

 

Or I might just be totally off base.

[arcadia]

yeah, i am pretty sure i would regret the other man regardless of who i chose. it is a pretty sucky situation.. i just always hear of people who go off and get married young and then regret not experimenting more. i am afraid that will happen to me

[JoL]

Then don't get married! Wait and see how you feel about the situation, it may fade over time. Or it could consume you so much that you can't continue a relationship with your current bf.

 

Either way, you definately aren't ready to even consider marrying your current bf, now or in the near future.

In fact, i'd go as far as saying maybe you need to be on your own for a while to figure out WHY you feel this way about someone you dated a year ago. Perhaps you feel this person can provide something your current bf cannot?

[sami]

You need time off from both until this pressure is over. If you are not wholeheartedly clear to choose either of them over the other then leave them both. You may continue as friends. You will othrwise end up torn in between both of them for the rest of your life. You will never be able to satisfy any including yourself. You may be physically with one but emotionally with the other. You are paying the cost of admitting into your system both at the same time. Human systems do not work that way. If you are not really sure of which one of the two you want to be with, wait until you are fully clear or leave them. It is a hard choice though but better for your own good in the long run I believe.

[netrie]

Originally posted by sami

You need time off from both until this pressure is over. If you are not wholeheartedly clear to choose either of them over the other then leave them both. You may continue as friends. You will othrwise end up torn in between both of them for the rest of your life. You will never be able to satisfy any including yourself. You may be physically with one but emotionally with the other. You are paying the cost of admitting into your system both at the same time. Human systems do not work that way. If you are not really sure of which one of the two you want to be with, wait until you are fully clear or leave them. It is a hard choice though but better for your own good in the long run I believe.

 

DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!