Ask this in here, Dealing with her emotions, weed, self confidence issues...

[Jim046]

This will be long, just a warning.

Oh where do I start.

About her I guess

 

Great girl, beautiful, our first 2 months were amazing, never an argument, not afraid to say anything around each other. We went on vacation only 3 weeks into it and we had a blast! She has a good job, went to school, tons of other good things about her. Didn't meet in a bar, actually a coincidence we met on Facebook by accident. Has some issues with her parents, they were never around and her grandparents raised her, grandpa passed years ago. Last breakup was terrible but it was a year ago, so I wasn't going to be a rebound. Had not dated anyone since her ex. Constantly told me I made her the happiest she has ever been, her friends even told me that she had told them the same thing. Always happy to hear from me wether it be a call or a text, great sex, everything great. Then a crash...

 

It kinda all began, about 2.5 months ago. (been dating almost 5 months) I had her over to my folks place for a party, turns out almost 40 people showed up. Mostly my parents friends, which are basically mine as well, I grew up around them. She actually knew several of the people but had not seen them for a few years. She showed up and I could tell she was nervous. She was almost silent all night, finally drug me aside, told me she didn't think anyone liked her, she felt out of place, felt overwhelmed, thought people were talking bad about her. She was a mess. We talked for a good hour, and honestly it was basically all made up in her head. I talked to most of the people that were there in the following days, they all said she was pretty, but seemed shy. Nothing bad was ever said. I eventually told her a few days later that everything that made her feel uncomfortable was made up in her head, nobody said anything bad. She understood that.

 

What I know about her ex, they didn't have alot of sex, he smoked a ton of pot, anytime they had a serious talk, he would fly off the handle and end up yelling at her. The final straw just about ate her alive... It wasn't pretty from what her friends tell me, and she was there. One of her friends has been a big help to me, she knows I make her happy and is concerned that we are having issues. I am not at all the type the get mad, get irate, raise my voice, yell at her, just not me, never have, don't think I ever will. I like to just sit and talk about things.

 

So fast forward a couple weeks. She tells me she is going to go stay with one of her girl friends, while her boyfriend is away for work. Everything she told me about this girl friend didn't seem real great, actually, there wasn't one quality I found appealing. I trust her, and she sat and text me damn near all night. Her friend smokes weed too. Ill smoke every once in a while, but all it does to me is make me tired. I have to be drunk to even get a buzz off the stuff. Well she got some off her friend. Said she likes to smoke every now and then on stressful days. Very next night she comes over, we hang out a bit, eat, then she wants to smoke. So we did, made me tired. Next thing you know she is nitpicking every single thing I do, she was being an ass. So I brought it up, well then she blew up into some self confidence issue thing of how I don't like her and all this other crap she made up in her head. Next day we talked about it and came to the conclusion that it was all made up.

 

After that things were different. She started showing less and less affection, but still wanted to be with me as much as she could. She would act different around me, my parents even noticed it, said they thought we were walking on eggshells around each other. Sex stopped, completely.

I didn't know what to think, and anytime I brought it up, she would try and start a fight. I don't fight, and just want to talk. Constantly putting her thoughts into other peoples heads thinking they think bad of her or something? She smoked every day I am pretty sure.

 

Well as my luck would have it, 2 weeks later she finds out her grandma has cancer. Holy cow, here we go on a rollercoaster ride! That woman is her mom basically. So I am dealing with that, and all she can think is her grandma is dead, the absolute worst possible thing that can happen is all she thinks about. I try my hardest to keep her positive and strong, I do every day still. I tell her every day, when her grandma is alive 5 years from now you are going to look back and think why the hell did I act like that when I could have been staying positive and thinking about good things. I do think that what I say has helped, and she has said it did too. She now says the weed is the only thing that will take the bad thought out of her head and make her happy. I don't like her when she smokes most of the time. Sometimes she's almost normal again, others she just nitpicks me...

 

I am not a good person to be talking to about people passing, I watched my brother go, grandparents, uncles, watched my mom try and kill herself... Just not something I get really worked up about anymore. I can be sympathetic to someone else though and try and comfort them and support them...

 

I tried and tried to talk to her about it, I called the shrink I talk to occasionally and basically told him what I have typed out but left out the weed, his first words were "does she smoke weed?"

 

I think the weed makes her paranoid, causes anxiety, causes delusions that people think things about her that aren't true. Im almost positive of it.

 

Finally I kinda had enough and sent her a big long text, she's no phone talker but I do get a few minutes before bed on nights she stays home.

 

She never replied to it, bad day, bad day at work, said she was crying at work, coworker text me and asked what was going on, She called me that evening mad as hell, yelled at me for 15 minutes non stop. I told her she sounds exactly like what she described her ex as and hung up the phone and didn't answer any text or calls until I went to bed and just text good night. She was wanting me to call her and say good night.

 

Things kinda got a little better after that, affection towards me started showing up. She wanted to be around me more, we actually had a couple decent weekends together, but the whole time I am afraid to talk to her, afraid to ask her to do things... She started saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Now there were still bad days, days stuff with her grandma weren't good. I was and am still daily telling her to be strong and think positive.

 

But at the same time, I am not real happy. Things are still far from what they were the first 2 months. Her friends tell me they have never seen her act this way, except when her and her ex broke up, they dated a year.

 

I know what is going on with her grandma weighs heavy on her mind. But there is better ways to deal with it than weed... Weed makes her a different person.

 

Last week I told her I want to talk. She said she would like to that coming weekend. I did my homework, I write in a journal daily. I started looking back, figured I would start when the sex stopped. We last had sex the day before she started smoking, then everything went downhill after that. Everything happened right around when she started smoking. She blames it on whats going on in her head with her grandma, which is understandable but there was 2 weeks there before she knew about her grandma that were not good. No sex, arguments, her acting weird, thinking I didn't like her.

 

I finally brought it up sunday, both of us sober and straight, had just spent the day with her family, she was grouchy for no reason, snapped at me a couple times, to which her family asked me why and what was up. Immediately she tried to make it a fight. I stopped her dead in her tracks. Then I talked, and she agreed with alot of what I had to say, until I brought up the weed, and the dates of what happened. Then she said she wanted to break up, I told her thats fine, let me gather up all your stuff so you can go. Then she back peddled like crazy. She swears the weed is what helps and makes her happy when she is sad. I tell her if she is sad she needs to talk to me, she has told me multiple times that talking to me makes her happy and feel alot better about whatever is going on. Told me that tonight actually. Told her I want to make her happy, not some **** grown in a pot. The rest of that night was kinda better. She told me again she wants to grow old with me... Get married start a family.

 

I am still at a loss though, what do I do? I want her to stop smoking. She has no idea what weed does to your mind. I have researched it, talked to friends that used to smoke alot and quit. Tired of the drama, I grew up in a drama free house, I had no drama in my life until she started smoking.

 

Do I keep fighting for her? I know there is a great girl in there, I saw it the first 2 months we were together. I had everyone of her friends telling me to keep doing what I am doing cause they have never seen her happier. I have never stopped doing that. Nothing has changed on my end other than me being afraid to talk to her, or ask her stuff. I do know she doesn't handle stuff well, those self confidence issues again..

 

I feel like I want to keep working for her, It honestly felt so right when we first met. She told me the same thing. :/

 

Talking to her doesn't seem to get real far, I don't get many answers, and she says he doesn't have them because all she thinks about is her grandma's death, which hasn't happened yet.

 

Any advice? Thoughts?

[WhoreyBull]

The thing is, its not the weed that is doing this to her mind. You are dating someone with a mental health problem, she is trying to medicate it with pot and that is not the medicine she needs. It's likely exasperating it.

What you said about her imagining things happening is essentially what goes on in my head. She might be boarderline, depression, who knows I'm not a doctor. Regardless she is sick and self medicating, and it needs to stop.

If you really care for her it'd be best to try and get her into counseling, especially with her grandmother being ill. They can find out what is wrong and get her any medication she really does need. That death is something she will have to deal with a where she's at now is not a good place to deal with anything.

Really I think she is too immature to be able to have a relationship at this point. It sounds like she is a teenage girl grasping at straws to try and feel self confidence that she doesn't know others can't give you. Like basically you described me when I was 16. I really want to hope you guys are this age because that is how she is acting. And guess what, I was a loser then who blamed my problems on everyone else. I'm sorry, but is seems like this is a situation she might just need to wake up from. Beyond helping her get mental health checked and counseling there isn't much you could do.