Thoughts?

[who_am_i]

Refresher...

 

I had an affair that lasted 2 years with a MM

I told his wife

Our last conversation was awful...lots of things said out of anger (shocking...I know!)

We have not been in contact since...about 7 weeks

 

 

I've been seeing a therapist for roughly a month and she's been as helpful as a therapist can be in 4 weeks. We've spent a lot of time talking about those final days and the anger, confusion and betrayal that we both had been feeling. He said some things to me that were very hurtful and I said some things that were also completely out of character.

 

The fact that I was the cause of this final conversation has not been lost on me. Yes...he was voluntarily unfaithful. Yes...he knew the risk. I know that I am not 100% to blame, but I without a doubt betrayed his trust.

 

Looking back now, I think he really was trying to do the best he could in a situation that became more then either one of us initially intended. He never once gave me a reason to think he was going to leave his family to be with me. I don't believe I was lied to or purposefully taken advantage of. It had just become a lose/lose situation.

 

Often times over the last week or two I find myself contemplating writing him. I can hear all of your voices in my head already groaning at the prospect of that...but hear me out. Telling his wife was hurtful to him and when you claim to care about someone you never want to see them suffer. Though some of you might believe this was the right thing to do, my relationship was with him and therefore I believe my loyalty should have been there as well. I know I don't owe him an explanation or apology...but it wouldn't be just for him, I think it would be therapeutic for me as well. For a long time he was a very important part of my life and whether he cares or not, it's important for me to acknowledge this to him.

 

Let me just say that it's become very clear to me that the relationship that we had was extremely unhealthy. As wonderful as some of those times were, there were also very painful times. It is a life lesson that I am not soon to forget. It is true that I miss him, but in no way would I be writing with the hopes of his forgiveness and declaration of undying love. In fact, I am aware that there may be no reply...or worse, one that is full of hatred and this could send me emotionally back to that day.

 

Would this be the stupidest idea ever?

[georgia girl]

Don't do it. It will set you back - regardless of a good or bad outcome. For your own sake, just continue with therapy and heal. This too, will pass. But I am pretty confident that in the end, you will be so glad that you never reached out.

[MissBee]

Please write it to get it out but don't send it.

 

Chances are he won't respond and you'll be left feeling worse.

 

I know how you feel. I remember when my ex and I broke up, although it wasn't my fault and he behaved quite poorly, somehow I guilted myself into believing I did something to him and I wrote him a long and heartfelt, but ridiculous email smh, essentiallhy apologizing for all and everything I never did. I remember after some time cringing at doing that and wishing I had never done it....

 

I think there is a real post-breakup insanity, where we do, think and feel things that are irrational and better not acted upon as 9/10 times we end up regretting it, once we're no longer in that phase. You can write and send an apology ANY time. It has no expiration date. So I'd write it and choose not to send it until a certain time. I'd set a date, let's say, April 27th. I'd write it and get it all out today and then not look at it again and then on April 27th, for example, go back and read it and see if you still feel the same and still want to send it. If you do....then send it. But if you happen to feel differently, which you very well might, then you wouldn't have impulsively just sent it where you can't take it back.

[Lillyfree]

i reached out after 6 weeks of NC. like you, i was looking for a reason to contact him.

 

it just re-affirmed that ending things was a good move, and that there isn't anything there i should be looking for. he was still a douche nozzle, but after i texted him he was a douche nozzle with a stroked ego. and i regret contacting him.

 

stick to NC, as other posters said write but don't send, write here, get busy when your fingers get itchy. it's not worth it.

[who_am_i]

You all are absolutely right!

 

Last night I came across an email that included part of that final conversation which I had thought I'd gotten rid of weeks ago. When I read it, it was not how i remembered...but worse. It was almost as if I was reading it for the first time. I remember him being very angry (understandable), but what I didn't remember was the way he degraded me terribly. It's funny how that works.

 

I have been thinking about how it ended and the damage that I caused him for the last 7 weeks. 7 weeks!! How foolish am I!? When sh*t got real he showed me who he really was. After re-reading these messages I can clearly see that he is not worth the space in my head...or my heart. I am smart and funny and cute and deserve far more then a man who's going to treat me like trash!

 

When things first ended I would have done anything try to keep him in my life. You were all 100% correct...I'm much happier having not contacted him. This flashback is a reminder that I don't owe him an apology or explanation...I don't owe him anything.

 

Thank you all...