Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[beach]

I hear you.

 

I could procrastinate for ever.....I have left it too long already.

 

No excuses after Tuesday....OK?

 

Yes, I must be strong.

 

Now Tuesday. Hmmm

[jennaflorrie]

Now Tuesday. Hmmm

 

I am thinking of my Son. Nothing else. Certainly not my husband.

 

I was ready to do it tomorrow, but I cannot do that now with Son actually AT his granddads house which is where his father would be chucked out to.

 

My Son comes first.............but I have had a guts full of this. I am nearly there.......yes I am yes I AM!!!! don't lose faith Sister. x

[beach]

I am thinking of my Son. Nothing else. Certainly not my husband.

 

I was ready to do it tomorrow, but I cannot do that now with Son actually AT his granddads house which is where his father would be chucked out to.

 

My Son comes first.............but I have had a guts full of this. I am nearly there.......yes I am yes I AM!!!! don't lose faith Sister. x

 

You should come first.

 

And then the daughter being exposed to abuse comes next!

 

Your son is fine. Your H will be fine too. IF your son needs to he can go to a hotel. It's not up to your son to carry his Dads pain.

 

You haven't had enough of it - because you've been talki about it since April and doing nothing about ending it.

 

And now your daughter believes she needs to play nice to a man that treats her poorly.

 

Do something to make the insanity end.

[jennaflorrie]

You should come first.

 

And then the daughter being exposed to abuse comes next!

 

Your son is fine. Your H will be fine too. IF your son needs to he can go to a hotel. It's not up to your son to carry his Dads pain.

 

You haven't had enough of it - because you've been talki about it since April and doing nothing about ending it.

 

And now your daughter believes she needs to play nice to a man that treats her poorly.

 

Do something to make the insanity end.

 

My daughter won't be seeing her dad until Wednesday anyway. Because he is working and my Son who is staying with his dad and grandparents will be fine.....as you say.

 

My D is not being exposed to abuse while he H is away.....which is why I said AFTER Tuesday, because that is when she IS at risk.

 

This is not an easy process. You say I have been thinking about this since April - but I have had Sons Exams in June and then this sport thing. I know you say I should come first, but I am trying to protect my D and help my son as he does exams and his sports.

 

From the outside, these things look easy. Its not. Its very difficult.

 

People do lose patience with people in abusive relationships. I understand they get exasperated. But I have made up my mind to bury the marriage. 5 days aint that much longer.

[NoConfidence]

JennaFlorie,

 

I have been following this from the beginning. I have never posted on these forums and have been a lurker but I can't hold back on this one.

 

Do you not see the abuse YOU are supporting? You say yourself "I am thinking of my Son. Nothing else". Do you think your daughter doesn't pick up on that? Doesn't know that that is why you are staying with her father?

 

You are confirming what your husband tells your daughter, that she is worthless an unimportant. You are teaching your son that your daughter isn't important as well! By staying in that relationship you are also teaching your son that it is ok to be verbally and (occasionally) physically abusive to women. That is a message he will take with him for the rest of his life.

 

Yes, your son may be angry with you for separating from his father. But parenting, good parenting, is not a popularity contest. You could have him happy with you and (potentially) become someone just like his dad who abuses women, or you could have him be unhappy, but with a larger chance of becoming a decent human being.

 

If you want to do something beneficial for BOTH of your children, leave your husband. Permanently.

[beach]

I agree. The message you are sending your kids is destructive. It's a message they interpret by you not DOING something to make change happen.

 

The victim role runs deep. Have you gotten professional help?

 

Also seek help for your daughter. She's developed coping skills to survive within the confines of abuse - much like you - and now it's her sense of 'normal'.

 

I wish you'd gather your courage and strength and do it now! It never gets to being an ideal time. The right time is now.

 

Be the warrior who's spirit survives and breaks free...not the victim that stays longer and pretends it's all ok.

 

If I can do it after 23 years of M with teenagers - you can do it! But the longer you wait - the more harm to your kids by 'your example' - the example that's backwards by allowing it to continue a minute longer!

 

I never said its easy. The right thing in life is often difficult - but worth it.

 

You must move PAST fear.

 

I know you are stuck with fear. It can only get better when you change your circumstances.

Edited July 13, 2013 by beach

[Acacia98]

jennaflorrie, the fact that you recognize you're in a bad place but just can't bring yourself to break free: I have been there as an adult in a long-term relationship. So I know that something is holding you there. I think you may have some deep-seated hurts/ fears/ guilt going back years and years that you've never really worked through, and that your husband instinctively knows how to appeal to those feelings. Until you figure out what they are and put them in their proper place, they will continue to affect the choices you make, and you just won't understand why they are doing that. Your best bet for figuring them out is individual therapy. You really do need therapy. And so do your kids. If you do nothing else, then please look into that.

 

The other thing I want to say is that your kids' relationship with their father should not be contingent upon you remaining with him. He can and should be a father to them whether or not you are together. You must recognize that your son and daughter are old enough to cultivate a relationship with their father on their own terms. And your husband should be mature enough and intelligent enough to view them as individuals, not as objects to manipulate so that he can produce a specific outcome in his relationship with you.

 

 

 

Right now, your husband is acting the “good father” role because he thinks it will keep you around. He’s not doing it because he genuinely wants to do it and values his children on their own terms. I also want to say this: there is no earthly reason why your husband should view separation as the end of the world. He's acting like a kid in a supermarket who throws a tantrum when he's told he can't have candy. And you're being pushed into the role of the mother who gives in and buys the kid the candy, even though she knows she doesn't have enough money and the candy isn't good for him anyway. (Guess what, jennaflorie, your dysfunctional relationship is not just damaging to you and your daughter; it is also damaging to your son and your husband. Your husband doesn't have much self-awareness, so he doesn't recognize that. You, however, recognize that the situation is wrong. And you are an adult. So you have a responsibility to take hold of the steering wheel and make well-thought-out choices.)

 

 

I’m not concerned about whether you and your husband ultimately get back together. That’s something you have to figure out for yourself in your own way and in your own time. I am, however, concerned about you, jennaflorie. I worry for you because you have said again and again that you’ve reached your limit. You are mentally and spiritually exhausted. You have nothing more to give. That’s a sign that you need a break. When we suffer physical injury, most of us recognize that we need to treat that injury and to rest, to give ourselves time to heal. But when we suffer emotional and spiritual injury, we don’t seem to take it as seriously. And yet our emotional and spiritual health are just as important. You need to take a step back from everything you’re doing and reevaluate your situation and figure out what the way forward is. In your case, it’s your marriage that’s been the most strenuous thing in your life. Your husband has a dominant personality and you have an accommodating personality. So you’ve more or less allowed him to set the tone for what is “good” and “right” in your life, and you’ve lost sight of the fact that you exist, you bring something to the table, you have needs, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be listened to, you deserve to have your emotional needs met. You do all of these things for your husband, but he is not reciprocating. Your husband does not understand you or your emotional needs. So he’s the wrong person to be making the decisions about what you should do. The only person who can decide what is right for you is you. Not your husband, not your kids, not your parents-in-law, not your pastor, not me, not the other posters in this conversation. And if the only way for you to learn to hear your own voice and figure out what you need is to take a holiday from domineering personalities, you really should do that.

 

 

You need a break, jennaflorie, the same way an athlete with a broken leg needs a break. Unless you take time away from your strenuous marriage, there is little chance that you will recover and start to heal. I want you to understand something, jennaflorie. It’s this: if your husband loves you and values you and wants the best for you, he is going to respect the fact that you need to rest. And he’s going to step back and allow you to live in your own space and be your own person and grow from that experience. He will let you set the boundaries you want, and he will respect those boundaries. He will allow you to voice your needs and listen to you speak. He won’t scream in terror or burst into tears or beg (to manipulate you into placing his needs above yours). The man who loves you will do those things. And, at the same time, he will himself take time away from the marriage to find himself, to grow emotionally and spiritually, to seek counseling for his issues, and to build a healthier relationship with his children. If he loves you all and wants your family to be emotionally healthy, he will do those things, not so that he can make you stay, but so that he can be the best person he can be. And if, at the end of that experience, you come out feeling rejuvenated and want to give your marriage another go, so be it. If, instead, you come out rejuvenated and convinced that he is not the one for you, then so be it.

[jennaflorrie]

Yes there are other issues at play, I didn't have the best relationship with my mother who was very stress and unable to cope I was a daddys girl.

 

I split from my H before we were married - but as I slept with him and was getting older....felt I should marry him. Didn't feel thrilled....just wanted it over and done with. Thought....he isn't so bad, he loves me...we do get on sometimes.

 

And then I split with him again April 2012. That didn't last long, because H saw the light, and found God and started to come to church with me, even got baptised.

 

So, to break with him AGAIN....well, cant keep being a yo yo. This is it.

 

He is desperate to keep me....but I feel no connection with him and I despise him for the way he treated me, the way he ruined days out, holidays, birthdays, weddings.....the way he tried to hurt and destroy his own daughter.

 

The problem is....even if my H has been genuinely changed......I have changed too. My marriage died in Nov 2011. THAT is the main problem. If only he had changed 2 months prior....but BHAM. Marriage died. It just went. In some spiritual way....it just died. After the way it had been attacked over the years...its not surprising that is just disappeared.

 

The other problem I have...is my dad who is a strong Christian, believe H has changed and that marriage is for life. Full stop. So lots of pressure there, to pray for him and love him...but its like flogging a dead horse.

 

And then there are the children who are no longer children.....to do what is right by them......I stayed with their dad when they were young because I didn't want him having weekends with them and him not looking after them properly...so I kept HIM to have the children with me all the time.

 

I just couldn't take him back AGAIN....to go through all the trauma again. NO. It would have to go straight to Divorce.

[beach]

Doing nothing IS doing something.

 

And placing your sons feelings above yours AND your daughters feelings is just wrong.

 

Get help to learn why YOU think your son and his stupid game is worth putting your daughter at risk for one more minute.

 

All it takes is a simple phone call - "your bags are packed and they can be picked up after Tuesday".

 

But you better go FILE your divorce papers on Monday - as it won't be believable until YOU take action.

[jennaflorrie]

its H birthday on Tuesday.....lol...I know...so what!!!

 

Already day dreaming about selling this house and going travelling, with my D, maybe S.

 

No S isn't more important than D. But we had to move twice in 2011 and he lost some friends and I just wanted to make things stable for him while he took his exams and then this IMPROTANT match came up and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardise a chance he may have....to do something he loves. I would have done the same thing for D. I love them the same.

 

H has been away since Sat...I haven't seen him since Friday evening and I don't miss him.

 

I went to church this am. Just D and me. I apologised to God, because the sermon was about BOUNDLESS Compassion....I said well, I can have compassion for H, but I just cant stay married to him. So sorry God.

[TaraMaiden]

......I apologised to God, because the sermon was about BOUNDLESS Compassion....I said well, I can have compassion for H, but I just cant stay married to him. So sorry God.

 

You do realise that for Compassion to be righteous, it must first and foremost be for yourself?

 

learn to differentiate between Compassion that is poorly placed, and that which is more appropriate...'Idiot Compassion' and 'Wise Compassion'...

 

here's something I gave someone else the other day....

 

Idiot Compassion has an agenda. It is there because in your mind, you wish to be seen as loving, accommodating, considerate, altruistic and to an extent, self-sacrificing.

It's an image you seek to cultivate, in order to at least put yourself in some form of 'good light' in the eyes of others. You want to be thanked, appreciated or simply noticed for having 'made the gesture'. You wish to be seen as reliable, giving, and generous with your time and consideration.

 

And it can keep you stuck in the quagmire of always 'putting out', but never 'getting back'. Yet, you persist, because you hope, that maybe at one small moment, this trend will change.....

 

 

Wise Compassion Enables, without losing anything of yourself. It is not always gentle, kind, silent and partisan. It is impartial, non-judgemental and completely altruistic - but also discriminating and considerate, and evaluates the most favourable method of supporting both the giver and the receiver, without any visible detriment to either.

 

Wise Compassion enables the giver to remain untainted by the choices of another, because Wise Compassion leads the way with the benefit of all in mind; but if not all choose to abide by its Principles, then they have nobody to blame for their collapse, but themselves.

 

Wise Compassion considers the well-being, mental safety and emotional stability of the primary giver, first and foremost.

Wise Compassion starts with ourselves.

 

(Please note, when I use the term 'you' it is in a Generic sense, not specific. I don't mean you, I mean, "you".... )

[beach]

Then just stay married because I your mind - there will always be "something" more important than your safety and happiness.

[jennaflorrie]

Tara that is so true. Compassion must not be idiot based - thanks for that!

 

The times I felt sorry for H.....compassionate and forgiving for H and he trampled all over it and felt none for me.....now he is sorry and trying to make amends - but the trust has gone and though I can still feel pity for H (which is about all I do feel), I can no longer put that pity into a sacrifice of myself, my children or my future.

 

I can forgive - and I do - my H, but what is done, is done. God forgives us, but sometimes we have to live with the consequences of what we have done.. I really feel that with H, maybe he has found peace with God, maybe he really does want to be a better man - but the consequences of what he did - well, that is what he has to live with.

 

Mentally, I have already divorced him. So, I just have to get that in full.

[beach]

Yes, and you too will have to live with those consequences - the ones that not only have affected you severely, but your daughter as well.

 

I hope you get her help - because she shows evidence that she's learned "coping methods" of dealing with abuse... And without help she is likely to choose an abusive man as her husband if she doesn't unlearn her sense of "normal".

[jennaflorrie]

Yes, and you too will have to live with those consequences - the ones that not only have affected you severely, but your daughter as well.

 

I hope you get her help - because she shows evidence that she's learned "coping methods" of dealing with abuse... And without help she is likely to choose an abusive man as her husband if she doesn't unlearn her sense of "normal".

 

Me and my D had such a lovely, lovely day today. Out by the river, lunch...just wonderful.

 

She is a strong girl. I wish I had left years ago...but I was between the devil and the deep blue sea. If he had taken them off for weekends by himself....I would not be there at all to protect her. So I put up with H to keep kids with me.

 

But now, the time has come. And yes, I will be stepping out....the consequences I have already lived with. D too,. But he used to pick on me more in the early days anyway. I despise him. God forgive me. But I do. He will try and talk me around...cry....say his heart is breaking and that he loves only me......its going to be difficult, but I have no choice.

 

My H can hopefully recover and meet someone else. But its over for me and him. Over.

[2sunny]

Me and my D had such a lovely, lovely day today. Out by the river, lunch...just wonderful.

 

She is a strong girl. I wish I had left years ago...but I was between the devil and the deep blue sea. If he had taken them off for weekends by himself....I would not be there at all to protect her. So I put up with H to keep kids with me.

 

But now, the time has come. And yes, I will be stepping out....the consequences I have already lived with. D too,. But he used to pick on me more in the early days anyway. I despise him. God forgive me. But I do. He will try and talk me around...cry....say his heart is breaking and that he loves only me......its going to be difficult, but I have no choice.

 

My H can hopefully recover and meet someone else. But its over for me and him. Over.

 

It's not over until you change things. It's not over until your divorce is finalized.

[jennaflorrie]

It's not over until you change things. It's not over until your divorce is finalized.

 

Yes. I know.

 

Last night, couldn't sleep very well, kept waking up, the old fears surfacing "Are you doing the right thing? Should you give H more chances? What if you are doing the wrong thing? What if H and D can get along better?" etc etc etc....................aarrgggghhh

 

Told my Sister this morning on the phone, about what happened with H telling D "You're not nice" then denying it and saying he said "You don't ACT nice sometimes"....Sister started shouting at me on the phone......"This is never going to change....come on...wake up...." "I am only saying this cos I care about you Sis....."

 

I couldn't talk much to her because D was around.

 

I will tell H when he gets back here....and tell him I am going straight for Divorce. Just so he knows....I MEAN it.

[2sunny]

Yes. I know.

 

Last night, couldn't sleep very well, kept waking up, the old fears surfacing "Are you doing the right thing? Should you give H more chances? What if you are doing the wrong thing? What if H and D can get along better?" etc etc etc....................aarrgggghhh

 

Told my Sister this morning on the phone, about what happened with H telling D "You're not nice" then denying it and saying he said "You don't ACT nice sometimes"....Sister started shouting at me on the phone......"This is never going to change....come on...wake up...." "I am only saying this cos I care about you Sis....."

 

I couldn't talk much to her because D was around.

 

I will tell H when he gets back here....and tell him I am going straight for Divorce. Just so he knows....I MEAN it.

 

While I don't agree with the shouting, I do I agree with your sister. Take action. Do you have your divorce papers filled out? If they are, can you filed them today? Action should match your intentions otherwise others won't believe what you say. Your husband may not believe you unless the papers are filed. Your kids may not believe you either. You may stall if he persuades you when you tell him. Why not file? You don't need his permission to file.

[jennaflorrie]

He is coming back this evening with our S.

 

Earlier I was fearful.....thinking was I doing the right thing....would I end up lonely, sad, regretful. What if H had changed? Then I remembered what one poster put here....GET PAST THE FEAR.

 

It is his Birthday today, I haven't even rung him to say Happy Birthday. I don't want to make out everything is fine when I am about to drop the A bomb.

 

Feel scared. How will my life change? How will people perceive me? No man to stand by me...no matter how crazy he is sometimes.

 

Its such a big,big step I am taking. And I am dreading it to be honest.

 

I am working Weds night, so I have decided on Thursday.

 

THURSDAY.

 

Stomach is churning. Can I do this? Can I look into his weepy, sad eyes and kick him into touch? Need to keep in mind my D. And think about what he has done SINCE his change.

 

I think I know what he told her when I went to work the other night - after he had told her "You are not nice" and he denied that he had said that and said "You don't ACT nice" - I think he told D (while I was safely at work) "Look, if you interfere and cause trouble between me and your mum, we could end up separating and then your mum will end up working nights for the rest of her life, do you want that? For your mum to work till she drops?" Course my D would have said "No" she didn't want that for me.

 

So he has basically used HER love for me to say SHUT UP AND TAKE IT. If I am rude to you Say nothing to your mum, because YOU are going to cause trouble in this marriage and your mum is going to end up working herself to death.

 

Poor D. I just have to grab this bull by the horns.

[jennaflorrie]

While I don't agree with the shouting, I do I agree with your sister. Take action. Do you have your divorce papers filled out? If they are, can you filed them today? Action should match your intentions otherwise others won't believe what you say. Your husband may not believe you unless the papers are filed. Your kids may not believe you either. You may stall if he persuades you when you tell him. Why not file? You don't need his permission to file.

 

I will tell him Thursday and file on Friday.

[jennaflorrie]

H is back. He is smiling and nice and happy and humble.

 

D came downstairs chatting happily to him.

 

That confuses me.

 

He is chatting to me as I type.....nice as pie.

 

I have eaten 3 chocolate biscuits, stress.

 

I want to get rid of him, he is just sitting on the settee looking at the TV and I wish he hadn't come back.

 

I am 100 % dreading Thursday. He will not go easily.

[2sunny]

Fear is a great motivator to put up with unacceptable behavior.

 

It isn't acceptable to live in fear. The only way to get rid of the fear is to take contrary action.

 

It's not acceptable IF you are ACTING as though you are ok with all this. Have a voice and speak your truth.

 

And now it's Thursday. Well, at this rate it could be forever.

[jennaflorrie]

Since being back he has 1 - washed all the dishes. 2 - emptied the bins 3 - made me a coffee 4 - offered to make me lunch 5 - offered to take his D into work, I said No I would do it 6 - played with the dog 7 - tidied up, upstairs

 

Now he is sitting down with his S to watch a movie. They are happy together.

 

THAT is the pressure I am under, the emotional manipulation I have to contend with.

 

Its really, really difficult, so when I say Thursday, don't berate me, just pray for me. thanks.

[jennaflorrie]

D back from work. H went to collect her. She has been chatting away to him happily. Smiling at him. Not a nice person she worked with today. H told her "Oh some people are like that, ignore them, its not you...its them" I listen to them talk and it confuses me a bit...though I have taken on board the fact....D talks to H like I talk to him. Its just something she has learnt.

 

H is pulling out all the stops. He just offered to make Tea tonight "I need the practice" he says...smiling...I say no thanks. He is playing his X box games and has been as good as good as gold!!!

 

I am off to work tonight, then when I come home I will rest, then tell him that the marriage is over...thanks for trying to change, but I changed.

 

Feeling stressed and a bit sick.

 

Thanks everyone for your support and your kicks up the backside. I know I need them.

[2sunny]

I am praying for you. That you will know what's right and do what is right for you.

 

 

Ps I'm not berating you - that's not what I'm here for and not my style.