Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[almond]

You need to book an appointment with a reputable therapist for yourself immediately.

[2sunny]

Tomorrow never comes. You may want to consider TODAY mentality.

 

And the house is just a house...sell it like it is. People love to buy a project house, it happens every day around here. Then move; a new place is a fresh start...new beginnings need to be your new mindset.

 

You need to start taking ACTION instead of just 'thinking so much'.

 

I don't think it matters at this point that he is at work - just call him there and tell him by being honest NOW.

 

It's cruel that you feel this way and you aren't honest with him. I blame you for your lack of honesty at this point.

 

Go back and read this thread again. It's been so much time that's passed now that you've said lots about telling him how you feel yet you don't do anything about it. Your lack of action is a pattern that hurts many.

Edited July 22, 2013 by 2sunny

[TaraMaiden]

What about the fekkin house though? Its a project I cant do on my own, I suppose I would have to sell it. If it would sell.

What ABOUT the fekkin' house?? If you have projects to finish, either finish what you can, or sell it as a work-in progress.

Or maybe get a lodger, and make sure they're a handyman.

Charge them half-rent until it's finished.

Or get some friends, neighbours and relatives to help... Don't be such a wuss and give up so easily! Women are perfectly capable of learning how to mix concrete, hammer nails and chase cables into walls, for power.

I have!

 

I woke up this morning and thought "I am nearly 50, H has changed.....who wants all that aggro...moving out...starting again....he is only here half the time anyway"? Then I got in the car, took D to work, she said her Dad was an idiot. And there's me thinking they are starting to get on.

 

Now I am awake. Brain charged up. I think "Got to leave this marriage, so dam what if I am nearly 50!!!!!? Aggro? Yes, I can do it"!!!

 

Blah blah blah blah....just more prevarication and procrastination, Jenna....

 

I am a bit constipated Tara.

No.... I would say you're like a one-legged person who feels they can only make a definite decision with both feet on the ground.

 

I think too much that's the trouble. H is still away, not back till Wednesday. If I am going to do this, I gotta do this Tomorrow!!!!

 

"I think I'm done thinking at last, and it's time for some action... H is still away, not back till Wednesday. If I am going to do this, I gotta do this Tomorrow!!!!":bunny:

 

Fixed that for ya.....

 

 

Family yesterday came around and were talking about us all going on holiday together in August. "Oh ..........(my hubby) will love it there".....I looked at them and thought .....................He wont be there.

Really?

I'll believe it when I 'see' it....

 

TARA - 6 days that is great....but did your H go all soppy on you? Did he weep, cry, tell you he would die without you? It must be so much easier if they agree to go

 

No.

Buty even if he had, it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference.

See...I'm not convinced, persuaded or deterred by crocodile tears....

If it needs cutting off, it needs to be done quickly and finally.

 

You can't consider cutting a gangrenous leg off little bit by little bit...then decide that, hmmm...maybe you can learn to live with the festering, rotten rank and foetid smell, after all....

[2sunny]

From the looks of things - you've made everything MORE important than YOURSELF including:

 

Husband and 'his feelings'

Kids and including their sports schedule

The house

Your families feelings

His family and how well/sick they may be

Husbands work schedule

 

 

How about you?

 

You may want to consider how deep your co depency runs. Read melody beattie's book = codependent no more. I think you're going to need the boost of perspective to get yourself on path for making yourself your priority.

[jennaflorrie]

From the looks of things - you've made everything MORE important than YOURSELF including:

 

Husband and 'his feelings'

Kids and including their sports schedule

The house

Your families feelings

His family and how well/sick they may be

Husbands work schedule

 

 

How about you?

 

You may want to consider how deep your co depency runs. Read melody beattie's book = codependent no more. I think you're going to need the boost of perspective to get yourself on path for making yourself your priority.

 

Tomorrow is the day. I BREAK this thing. For good. Its now or never. Stuff Codependant. Screw that. I CAN do this be buggered.

[2sunny]

Tomorrow is now today.

 

Any update?

[jennaflorrie]

Tomorrow is now today.

 

Any update?

 

Yes it is.

 

I have packed all his suitcases.

 

They are hidden away from the kids...but I will be putting them in the car after I made the kids tea. So I will leave here around 7 pm. Get to his parents house at 8.

 

Then..........ring H tell him I am outside his parents house with his bags. H will be at work, ready to work a night shift by this point. Sorry...but there IS always going to be something!!!

 

I will tell H that it is OVER. Don't bother coming back tomorrow. I will be getting Divorce as soon as possible.

 

I will tell him that I am taking his bags into his parents house and then heading home.

 

He will plead but at least I wont have to look into those weepy eyes.

 

I will tell him that I will text him later to arrange for him to see his Son over weekend for the fooball etc.......

 

This is my destiny. I feel it. I also feel very very sick!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Yes it is.

 

I have packed all his suitcases.

 

They are hidden away from the kids...but I will be putting them in the car after I made the kids tea. So I will leave here around 7 pm. Get to his parents house at 8.

 

Ok so far.

 

Then..........ring H tell him I am outside his parents house with his bags. H will be at work, ready to work a night shift by this point. Sorry...but there IS always going to be something!!!

 

This is extremely unfair on your H, and you certainly should not tell him while he is at work and in a desperately awkward position, in that he will be unable to discuss this with you.

 

It's also very cowardly on your part.

 

I suggest you merely take the cases over to his parents, and ask therm to please put them in H's room, for when he gets back.

Explain nothing, reveal nothing, say nothing. Just leave the cases at the door, ask them to take them in, say thanks and leave.

 

Then when he calls you you can then -

 

..... tell H that it is OVER. Don't bother coming back tomorrow. I will be getting Divorce as soon as possible.

 

I will tell him that I am taking his bags into his parents house and then heading home.

How would you feel if he rang YOU at work and did the same to you?

 

Right.

 

So be fair.

He will plead but at least I wont have to look into those weepy eyes.

Fine, that's ok.

But don't drop the bombshell when he's in no position to be able to speak with you openly.

That's just horrendous....

 

I will tell him that I will text him later to arrange for him to see his Son over weekend for the fooball etc.......

Nope.

let him lead on that.

He's the one going to see his son at the weekend. Let HIM make the arrangements.

With your son.

Like I said, they're very alike and on the same wavelength, anyway...

 

This is my destiny. I feel it. I also feel very very sick!!!

You're bound to. You're just about to get your life back. That's enough to unsettle anyone.

But I'd look forward to it, rather than dread it....

[2sunny]

I do think it's wise to take his things to him - maybe when he gets off work. Look him in the eye and state clearly your intentions.

 

It's not right to dump his stuff at his parents house and leave them wondering.

 

And tea for your grown kids? Come on, they can make tea - and they can make it for you.

 

H is capable of making his own plans with the kids. Allow him to make the effort to do that when he wishes to see them.

[jennaflorrie]

OK there will be lots of differing opinions on this but....I took Husbands bags to his mum and dads house. I stood outside the house, I knew they were in the upstairs back bedroom............as it was fairly late and they are elderly I put all husbands things to the side of the house - outside - where there was shelter.

 

I then drove home.

 

H texted me and I was tempted to tell him, but Tara, I took on board what you said and text back very little, just how are you and we are fine.

 

I will ring him up as he finishes work....at 7 am. Tell him then.

 

I expect as he now has 4 days off, that he will drive down here anyway and try and persuade me not keep the marriage going. I know I must resist at all costs.

[2sunny]

Glad you have a plan.

 

I was just thinking - if you met him when he gets off work - you could discuss it with him there and then he wouldn't feel the need to come to the house.

[jennaflorrie]

I told him this morning when he got back to his mum and dads.

 

He was happy to hear me on the phone and then I crashed down his world.

 

He was crying but didn't say much when I told him.

 

He just said OK. He was shocked.

 

He text me later said he couldn't help the way he felt about me, that he did wish he could have done things differently. He said it was like the film Notting Hill, he was there....Just a boy asking me to love him.

 

I feel so sad. I actually feel sick and have loads of doubts. I feel like ringing him up and telling him to come home, that I am sorry and made a terrible mistake.

 

He said in his text he would be ok and wished me Love Joy and peace. He said he actually had Sunday off so we could go to church together.

 

He said his mum was more upset than him, he felt peaceful. I feel like ****. What have I done???

[2sunny]

It's normal to have doubts. Hugs

 

You need to consider your feelings and make your happiness a priority.

 

It will get better - give it time - and know that you deserve some peace of mind - so does your daughter.

 

Read... Codependent no more - and books on what the victim role presents. It IS normal that the victim only knows and chooses that victim role. I hope you can also break free from that mindset. You've made a start - but most run back to that role because it is normal to them.

 

It's hard. I'm proud you took action. Try to look forward instead of running backwards.

 

I hope you will consider a counselor to get some serious support.

[jennaflorrie]

Thanks for all the support. Yes It will get better.

 

Off to sleep. Sooooo tired.

[2sunny]

How are you doing - are you ok?

[jennaflorrie]

Been crying, miss him so much. Feel very very sad. Thinking about all the things he tried to do to show he had changed. I suppose he HAD changed in many ways. He just wished me love, peace and Joy. That made me feel even worse. No begging, no screaming. Just sad resignation.

 

He said he will always love me and there is nothing I can do about the way he feels about me.

 

My eyes so red and my face so puffy from crying. I do miss him.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course you do.

 

Do you miss the insults and the abuse he subjected you to?

Do you miss the demeaning insults and spiteful remarks he made to your daughter?

Do you miss the male jocular camaraderie between him and his son, while they poked fun at her?

 

perspective, helps.

Remember the reasons you ended this.

Not the manipulation he's trying now.

[jennaflorrie]

Of course you do.

 

Do you miss the insults and the abuse he subjected you to?

Do you miss the demeaning insults and spiteful remarks he made to your daughter?

Do you miss the male jocular camaraderie between him and his son, while they poked fun at her?

 

perspective, helps.

Remember the reasons you ended this.

Not the manipulation he's trying now.

 

No I don't miss the bad things....but I miss him talking with me and hugging me. I miss him sitting on the settee and just being there. Making me a cup of coffee and talking about nothing much. Watching a film together and him tidying up, taking the dog for a walk, just being there in the GOOD things.

 

He had tried to make an effort with his D - and I think he had changed. He did fail on a number of occasions. But, the first time we split up I did not cry at all!!! I am just shocked at HOW upset I have been this time!

 

I know I must give it time, but I am just perplexed at why I feel so sad and WISH he WAS he here.

[TaraMaiden]

Because this time you know it's final.

And you want the good bits, without the bad bits (or even the memory of them) and you can't have one without the other.

And you realise that what you have done has actually liberated you, but you're scared of the big wide horizon, and fear failure.

 

That's ok.

It's natural, we all get that.

[2sunny]

It's normal. Hugs

 

After a lifetime of being in the victim role - its scary to feel the freedom when one breaks free of that role they played. It's natural that they either want to run back to that role (their comfort zone) or (without help) usually choose their next perpetrator to provide them the same situation (comfort zone - victim role) in their future.

 

I caution you - the healthy choices come from you. Change IS good. I hope you can stick with a plan that is healthy for yourself. Are you seeing a counselor now?

 

How did your kids take the news?

[jennaflorrie]

It's normal. Hugs

 

After a lifetime of being in the victim role - its scary to feel the freedom when one breaks free of that role they played. It's natural that they either want to run back to that role (their comfort zone) or (without help) usually choose their next perpetrator to provide them the same situation (comfort zone - victim role) in their future.

 

I caution you - the healthy choices come from you. Change IS good. I hope you can stick with a plan that is healthy for yourself. Are you seeing a counselor now?

 

How did your kids take the news?

 

D actually went out to an exhibition with her Dad today and she enjoyed it. She is ok with the split. Son upset, but knows he can see his dad whenever. Counselor to be arranged.

[2sunny]

Did you get the divorce papers filled out/filed?

 

Continuing the forward movement is key.

[jennaflorrie]

No not net.

 

Still feeling the upset. Crying still. Remembering all the good things he did and how he tried so hard to change. He has been fine with me, he says he will always love me. But he will not force me to accept him.

 

Should I have tried harder? Should I have forgiven? Maybe he HAD changed and I could have accepted that change. OK he did split up a couple of times, but generally he was DIFFERENT person.

[TaraMaiden]

Do NOT waver now.

 

You've been wavering, prevaricating and foot-hopping all the way through - it's absolutely natural that you'd be feeling so unnerved now, sounsure, so undecided.

 

You've been this way for a long time because he successfully eroded what you were and made you, to an extent, what he wanted you to be.

 

Remember what you told us about why you married him.

Remember how that love died in 2011.

 

Remember how he has made you feel.

 

Know with full certainty that you made the right decision.

You're not necessarily missing what was.

You're missing your ideal.

 

And he cannot be your ideal without the remainder of his negative behaviour and baggage.

[2sunny]

Stay strong Jenna.

 

You deserve your peace of mind. And you never had that when he was there. You watch his moves and words - especially with your daughter.

 

She learned too, how to be nice and appease the abuser. You both need professional help NOW - so that you don't run back to what is familiar - abuse.

 

You've been in fear so long that you are unfamiliar without it. Lead by example for yourself and your daughter. Running back and forth between the victim and the warrior is expected - but you've done that for a long time and since you can't trust him - there's no use in trying to run backwards to be the victim ever again.

 

 

Life should be happy. You deserve that.

 

Never settle!