Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[Che38]

I think you should stay married to your husband, stay moved far away from him, and give him a much longer time to be by himself, so he can really see how,serious you are. I would never suggest divorce unless he cheated on you, but to be living in abuse is horrible. I have heard of guys actually changing from being abusive, so anything is possible. And as far as your daughter, sad to say, but the damage has already been done, to both of your kids to be exact. She should have the both of you to sit down on a monthly, first, bi-weekly, then weekly basis to talk about the problem and as long as husband is making steady progress and you two are in agreeable and you can see yourself very, very, slowly drawing back close to him. Family is soo important. And as long as love is the bottom line for all it will concur!

[2sunny]

Che - you couldn't be more wrong.

 

You can't force someone into new thoughts/behavior.

 

She can only change herself. Her thoughts - her actions.

 

Leaving sends the clearest message that she's breaking free from his control. His past abusive ways.

 

Staying means she puts herself at the mercy of him - his actions - his words. She's done that for tears and it hasn't brought her any peace of mind.

 

It's past time to do something new...and this is it!

 

She deserves freedom!

[jennaflorrie]

House seems quiet without him. And Son misses him. I had trouble with the car today and thought how I would have to sort everything out. I did most things anyway....I paid all the bills, I was like a single mum

Husband is still at parents and his mum said he is very upset and feels guilty and to blame. He blames himself totally and says he deserves it after the way he treated me for all those years. His mum said "He has changed though, I can see that" She thinks he IS different.

 

H says he will take things one day at a time. He does not blame me at all. He takes all the responsibility. But he says Its a shame we ended because he knew he had changed. He wanted to be a great dad and husband, because I deserved it after all those years.

 

yes, I am aiming to go to counselling and my daughter too.

[2sunny]

If those are your intentions - then TODAY is the day to fill out the D papers and to make the call and get an appointment with a counselor.

 

Each day take steps that move you in the direction of your intentions.

[jennaflorrie]

Sure OK.

 

Today, difficult. My dad thinks I have made a mistake. He thinks that H has definitely changed. He basically said I am nearly 50 and going through menopause and my mind has been affected!!!

 

He says it is very unlikely I will find anyone at this age....and love is for young people.

 

He said H had changed and I should help him and accept he will make a few mistakes along the way.....but generally he is a new man.

 

My brother basically said same thing....why on earth have you done this? You are going to be alone, you miss him....he has changed. Think about your Son who needs his dad around.

 

So I am a selfish b£"ch

[Midnight_Princess]

Your husband will never change, not for more then a few months. By going back to him its telling him he can get away with this, he still controls you. Regardless of your religion you do not deserve this. Please dont listen to the one sided opinions of your family, they dont know what happens behind closed doors. Its your life not theirs. To handle this for 22 years shows how incredibly strong you are. You can get through this, and you will be much happier when you do. Theres is absolutely nothing selfish about that.

Best of luck.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Midnight_Princess
...

[2sunny]

Sure OK.

 

Today, difficult. My dad thinks I have made a mistake. He thinks that H has definitely changed. He basically said I am nearly 50 and going through menopause and my mind has been affected!!!

 

He says it is very unlikely I will find anyone at this age....and love is for young people.

 

He said H had changed and I should help him and accept he will make a few mistakes along the way.....but generally he is a new man.

 

My brother basically said same thing....why on earth have you done this? You are going to be alone, you miss him....he has changed. Think about your Son who needs his dad around.

 

So I am a selfish b£"ch

 

They aren't you!

 

Why is it their business to tell you what is best for you?

 

You are a grown woman and should be capable of telling them to keep their opinions to themselves.

 

And they aren't the ones who suffered all those years. And they can't be expected to understand that you want and deserve your PEACE of mind.

 

You could take a poll all week long - getting hundreds of differing opinions - but that doesn't mean YOU need to deny your own feelings!

 

You need that counselor - and you need that support now!

[TaraMaiden]

It's about time you told those (male) relatives to butt up and keep their opinions to themselves - they're your family - they should be supporting YOU not that jerk! Tell them if you can't rely on them to be more understanding and sympathetic, then to keep their comments to themselves. Until they can walk a mile in your shoes - then keep the hell out of your business!

 

(FWIW, I remember the first time I 'stood up' to my father and mother - it took some courage - but it shocked them into shape and made me feel SO much better! And by then, I had 2 kids of my own, too!)

[2sunny]

I hope today finds you well.

 

I was thinking about your situation - and basic patterns in life. If you've done something for a long time and it makes YOU uncomfortable and unhappy - why keep doing it to try and make OTHERS happy IF it makes YOU unhappy? That's backwards, and a betrayal to yourself.

 

So--- the known is that the M makes you unhappy.

 

 

Being on your own is the unknown. So what IF another man may not come along. This is about YOU. You CAN be happy on your own! And you should be!

 

Staying and being unhappy is no comparison to being on your own and being happy!

 

And no one else should be allowed to tell you to CHOOSE the unhappy life you KNOW you already experienced.

 

Living unhappily is NOT LIVING!

 

I hope you'll get busy living. And start by taking steps to move forward!

[jennaflorrie]

I am ok. Not so tearful. Or fearful.

 

A friend of mine who has known me 18 years, thinks that H is good looking and will find someone else. But she says "At your age, it is unlikely, you must face that....men go for younger women....the best of you has gone"

 

Cheers love.

 

 

She said that she saw a programme on TV about 50 odd year old women leaving husbands and regretting it. She is with her H and he is not perfect, but she has stability and security, just having him there is nice. Lovely to say "This is my husband".

 

I explained that he was abusive. "Well, he did change, he had improved and he really, really loved you....enough to change...."

 

I really don't know why she has to be so negative. OK so a lot of women my age who leave their husbands could end up being alone. But not necessarily.

 

I am beginning to look at couples and feel a bit envious. I was a couple. I had a husband. Now I am alone. A middle aged woman past her best. Alone. Of course the flip side is I am free. I am not going to be abused any more. I could meet someone. Age is just a number. There I feel better.

[TaraMaiden]

Listen very carefully:

I am 57 years of age and have a husband I met 9 years ago. We married 2011.

he's 5 years younger than I.

I have looked after myself, maintained my weight (even lost some) keep myself trim, mentally busy and looking ok.

Because I owe it to myself.

Because I deserve it.

I don't do it for him, I do it for me.

But he appreciates that I do.

 

Be good to yourself, and honour yourself.

Be like a phoenix, rising from the ashes, and re-invent yourself.

Be who you have a right to be, and go for it.

 

You'll be amazed how happy you can be to others - when you're happy with yourself.

[2sunny]

What exactly are you spending your time and energy doing these past few days?

 

How much of it involves getting some things accomplished to move forward?

 

Filed divorce papers? Made an immediate appt with that counselor?

 

Or are you still taking a poll with the negative group who seem to want to talk you out of being true to yourself?

[2sunny]

You ok?.....

[jennaflorrie]

sorry been away. Little break.

 

I am fine. My H still trying to reconcile. Promising he has changed. He is staying calm....but just restating what he has that the old is over and we can have a wonderful marriage - now that he is a different person. He says he acknowledges all that he did wrong. He was stupid. Crazy. He would never do anything to risk losing me again.

 

My dad also, has been encouraging me to think carefully. Because I am nearly 50, because my H is a new man. "There are no perfect men...you change the man you just change the problems" one of his favourite sayings.

 

I have supportive friends, but one friend has said that I had got to an age where I should just "Stay put and be thankful for what you have". Its like you get to 50 and that's it.

 

Game over.

 

I haven't done the divorce papers....I am in no rush for that......just want to recharge my batteries and find space and peace.

 

Been talking to a counsellor on line....she is very supportive.

[2sunny]

I'm glad you're ok.

 

And I think it's best not to allow others to decide what is right for you.

[Acacia98]

I'm glad you're ok too, jennaflorrie. And I'm especially glad you're talking to a counselor.

 

I've been reading your posts and praying for you. I know you're a person of faith, so I just want to reiterate that what you are doing does not contradict your faith. It is important to take a breather and recharge so that you can be a better you for yourself and for your kids, and more receptive to what God wants for you. If you'd kept on the way you were, you'd have suffered emotional burn out.

 

Now I'll tell you something else: Many religious people have a penchant for using religion to blackmail others into doing THE WRONG THING. In my eyes, that's exactly what your family and friends are doing. Mind you, the people who encourage and pressure you to stay in a situation that feels wrong will not be there to pick up the pieces when you fall apart.

 

It's also important to realize that these people have their own insecurities that come from their life choices. Maybe seeing you separate from your husband makes them feel uncomfortable that they stuck through similar abuse or were themselves abusive to their spouses. So they're trying to push you back together so that they don't have to think too hard about their own complicated marriages. Everybody has an agenda (even though they may not be conscious of it). Always remember that. Don't waste your energy arguing with them. Just smile and ignore them. And if it gets too hard, stop spending so much time with them.

 

Your separation from your husband should have no bearing on his capacity to be a father to his children. If he wants to see them, he should make arrangements to spend time with them.

 

You take as long as you need to think things through. You are taking responsibility for your own happiness, and giving your husband the opportunity to take responsibility for his past actions by letting him face the consequences. That is enough.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Acacia98

[2sunny]

Every relationship has a beginning and an end.

 

Knowing when it's time to end it is key.

 

Evidence shows it ended long ago... And (I believe) it's now time to heal from the abuse by moving forward.

 

The people telling you to "go backwards" may just be offering you more abuse...? They may have been your abuser when you were young and still expect you to play that same role of their victim.

 

Since you have decided not to be that person any longer - it's best to cut those a users out of your life by telling them so.

 

That "victim role" generally starts at an early age...who was the one(s) abusing you then? So trained you to "accept" the unacceptable as your status quo?

 

The pattern starts young - and "others" expect that you should get back into "your proper position" - the one they are familiar with.

 

I had to change everything to break free from being the victim. Even "retraining" my kids to treat me with love, honor and respect by having MY voice and speaking MY truth. Often, they didn't like it or understand it (at first) but time and me being CONSISTENT with my words and actions in ALIGNMENT proved to be fruitful!

 

I hope you can break free!

[hopefulforlove]

Sweetie No# .. one men who are abusive in any way shape or form are manipulative why its takes so long for us to see what they are really doing. # 2.. they can never change totality. why I say this I was with my ex husband for 20 years and he was physical, mentally and emotionally abusive to and me. And yes he did change the first time I left him 10 plus years, he quit choking me, pushing me, slapping me, and twisting my arm, he just continued to do the verbal and emotional abuse. They are so very manipulative they make you think you are abusing them. Bottom line they see you as a victim, and in no way can they see that you are the victim unless they get help with their issues causing the abuse to other and deal with that. And in the event that they do change all good for them its hard for you too see past what your used to unless you have dealt with your issues of trust, defensiveness, and many problems associated with being abused as you think this is the way it is for everyone and accept it.

[hopefulforlove]

Its best to burn the old bridges and move on as it seems you no longer love your ex and love the new man.

 

Just my two cents on this

[TaraMaiden]

hopefulforlove, there IS no 'new man'....

 

Her father referred to her ex-husband as a 'new man' (that is, reformed).

 

She has no 'new man' in her life.....

[samsungxoxo]

So has the OP filed for divorced already or is on the way??? No offense but there was been too much talking and less action. The way I'm looking at this, she's still in the same position as when she started this thread.

[2sunny]

hopefulforlove, there IS no 'new man'....

 

Her father referred to her ex-husband as a 'new man' (that is, reformed).

 

She has no 'new man' in her life.....

 

He may be on his best behavior with you.

 

It still isn't right that you have absolutely no peace of mind when he's around your daughter. Hence, no real change.

 

He isn't reformed - he's just pretending while you're looking - then spewing his old behavior onto his next victim = your daughter.

 

I hope she learns to have a voice and speak her truth - especially with him!

 

You DO deserve a peaceful mind - and I doubt you will get that as long as he's in your living space. When you have to watch and police a persons words and behavior - there's no peace in that.

[jennaflorrie]

Well I got back together with my husband, because I was soooo upset and felt totally lost without him. I cried so much my eyes were red. sobbed and sobbed....when H came back I was pleased to see him. But, its like he is my security, because I have NO desire to kiss him on lips or have intimate relations with him. So why did I take him back? I took him back and since then I have been thinking WHY?

 

Daughter seems to have been getting on with her father. Today he hugged her in front of me and said he loved her. I said to her later, "You seem to be getting on well with your dad" and she said "Acting".

 

H has been good as gold. Nothing is too much for him. So why after my crying and crying and crying for him to come back have I now thought "I don't love him". what is wrong with me?

 

Sorry I know I let you all down, you people have been encouraging me. But, I was so, so upset. When H was away, I felt lost, scared......I wanted H back so badly. Now, I am back to square one.

[jennaflorrie]

Siince I took him back....he has generaly been good. But, out in garden, knocking down shed.....I suggested something and in front of our son H said "You are mad, you are pathetic, you are crazy" When I told him to stop speaking like that or he could go. He said "OK" and put down his tools and walked off. He came back and apologised.

 

Two days ago, he freaked out, because my dad said to me on the phone that my H had got wrong type of sand for doing house up.......whilst still on phone H said "He can stick it up his ass." and when I got off the phone he ranted I f&*ing hate Him, I f7889ing hate him......" When I told him I would go off and live by myself and that I couldn't put up with his behaviour, he started to cry, he came over and knelt by my chair and grabbed my arm and said "Everything I do is for you..I love you so much".

 

Lately, I have been waking up at night with chest pain, actually scared I was dying. Sometimes it has happened when H has been here, others when he has not been here., I actually wrote out letters for my children in case I died. My sister thinks its stress.

 

I am sorry, to those who will feel very let down by my behaviour in taking H back, but I truly missed him and sobbed and sobbed for him. But now he is back......why cant I be happy?

 

Also, I have been unable to stop thinking about that other man....yet, when I was apart from H I didn't want to look at the other mans photo....I just wanted H back,.

 

I am fed up with it all. I really am. I should have stayed separated when I left him April 2012. It was a mistake to buy this project house.

 

Now, I am worried about telling him AGAIN to go. Son is at college and getting used to new experiences and needing a father.

 

Now, I think about the other man. H is trying to please me. And generally he is doing well. why cant I just be content???

 

From Fed up with my self,.

[2sunny]

It's understandable. Many that have been abused can't break free from the abuser. It takes courage and strength.

 

The stress may be from betraying self. Self always knows...

 

And H has only been giving more evidence that he's still abusive. Abusive to you and to your dad. That's just unforgivable. He talks terrible to you, to your family.

 

And your daughter admits "she's acting" good god - that's a terrible way to live.

 

I hope you find a way to find what's right for you - for your family.

 

I hope you find courage and strength to break free from the abuse.

 

I know it's hard - I had to get to the point where I never needed to second guess myself ever again.

 

It's FREEDOM! Being on my own is sheer freedom! I'll never allow another man to talk terrible to me again - and I certainly won't hand any man so much power again that I betray myself!