Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[Grumpybutfun]

OP:

Two things to be mindful about....

 

1. Your daughter now acts okay in order for things to be peaceful so she will probably attract an abuser and she will go through what you have and never leave because she will think this is normal.

2. Your son will probably be an abuser and not value women because he will think the way your husband treated you and is still treating you (yelling, using guilt and manipulation as a tool, and generally putting down his sister) is also the normal way of things.

 

Regardless of your lack of boundaries, your children need therapy and they need to know that this situation is completely unhealthy. Your behavior towards them is irresponsible at best since you continue to let your male members of your family guilt you into staying because they do not understand the dynamics of long-term abuse, and they would rather keep up appearances than for you to be safe and happy.

Get help for your children,

Grumps

[jennaflorrie]

My children are over 16. My son is getting on well with his dad. We all went out to pizza today. H behaved very very well. I veer between two feelings......one the feeling that I need stability and beter the devil you know,. The other....the feeling that I want out of the marriage that because of the past there can be no future.

 

I feel torn in two. I still think about that other man. We are in touch through a game on FB....but he will not make a move on me until he knows H is gone.

 

But the other man is 10 years younger than me and I am afraid to take risks....especially at my age!

 

H just will not let go. When I last separated I wept and wept. Maybe it was because I was scared to let go of him....BECAUSE he has been part of my life for so long. Because he seems to have changed.....he hugs his daughter, he is calm, loving....but when he flipped....as he did about my dad. I was shocked.

 

I wish God would come down and tell me what to do.

[2sunny]

Why are you shocked? He's showing EVIDENCE that he hasn't change one bit!

 

I hope you leave! But not for another man -

For yourself!

 

For a good example to your daughter!

[TaraMaiden]

jennaflorrie, you are precisely the reason why abuse not only continues unabated in this world, but why it will persist; because you are too weak to see that actually, you are the stronger of the two.

 

This is a co-dependency: but he needs your weakness to shine.

 

So you give it to him, because it does your ego good to know he needs you.

 

He doesn't need you.

he needs your weakness.

And you give it to him.

 

The whole family needs therapy: But you need to examine why you use your weakness to keep him close.

You are as manipulative as he is.

This is dysfunction at its finest - and your daughter will inherit your negative traits and carry on the family tradition.

 

You have let no-one here, down.

The chief loser, is of course, you.

 

And you've chosen that.

[happydate]

My children are over 16. My son is getting on well with his dad. We all went out to pizza today. H behaved very very well. I veer between two feelings......one the feeling that I need stability and beter the devil you know,. The other....the feeling that I want out of the marriage that because of the past there can be no future.

 

I feel torn in two. I still think about that other man. We are in touch through a game on FB....but he will not make a move on me until he knows H is gone.

 

But the other man is 10 years younger than me and I am afraid to take risks....especially at my age!

 

H just will not let go. When I last separated I wept and wept. Maybe it was because I was scared to let go of him....BECAUSE he has been part of my life for so long. Because he seems to have changed.....he hugs his daughter, he is calm, loving....but when he flipped....as he did about my dad. I was shocked.

 

I wish God would come down and tell me what to do.

 

It seemed to me like you are trapped being a people pleaser -- on one hand trying to balance being nice to your family and dad and your husband to keep the marriage, while on the other hand (your authentic self) said the marriage is done and your heart is dead with him. Your authentic self tried to come out and thought it won by leaving only to be cut short and then your conscious self came back being a people pleaser. The weakness that your dad, family and husband sense is that you're easy to please and that you keep pleasing for the sakes of pleasing yet no one pleases you back. Everyone seemed to pressure you to keep the marriage afloat for the betterment of who? Obviously, for the betterment of them (your mom and dad) and your hubby. But aren't that their selfish motives that despite the abuse you got from your current H that your dad is telling you to suck it up. Huh? What kind of man is this to see his daughter experience abuse from H and tolerate it? Perhaps I suspect you dad shares the same attitude as your current H. No good man supports a wife beater and abuser. You are not the property of your mom and dad and your H. You are a property of your own and your own destiny!

 

To me, it's mean to pull the God card on you! It's unethical, though a lot of Christians are in many unhappy marriages got pulled the same. It's about Jesus Christ who said divorces aren't allowed. But that's 2000 years ago when women are dependent on men to provide. This is the 21st century and women do not need men to provide for them! Trust me. Jesus would support your divorce when your heart tells you so. The heart is how God communes with you btw. If your heart is dead for him, then God tells you pretty clear what you have to do.

 

Part of being married is to allow yourself to resolve any psychological imbalances you had when you met this guy. You met and married this guy because of your psychological imbalances and that the idea is through marriage that both of you work it out and heal together. You as a people pleaser becoming more authentic and him as a people pleaser to STOP manipulating you to extract a favourable response to him or he gets angry and abusive. So in a way, both of you are manipulators and manipulators don't do well in a loving relationships!

 

One of the things I agree with your dad is that of another man. Just because you leave him for another man does not mean you will resolve your problems. If you haven't resolve your problem as a people pleaser, then moving to another man will simply, as you dad correctly said, move your problems to another man! If you do divorce your H, stay alone and heal and stop pleasing everyone and being weak and accepting abuse for the sakes of being conformed.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited October 6, 2013 by happydate

[jennaflorrie]

You. Make sense. I am trying to. Keep. everyone. Happy. I am. Concerned about my son he has. Started. College and. He talks about any. Probs. With. His. Dad......I don't want to take that away...we. moved house last year and. I have. already. Unsettled. Him. My. Husband. Gets. Upset and crys if. I even talk about living. Apart. He hugs me. tells. Me. He will never love. Anyone. Else. But. Me. But. I think he's. Using. me. My authentic. self as you. Call it.

 

H is. Diabetic and I am a nurse. He wants. A mummy. I actually had a dream couple weeks. ago that. I was. Sitting in same. Room as. My. H. Mum and. I was. Wearing. Se. Clothes. As. Her!!!!

 

I've also. Been waking up in. Night with. Anxiety when. I felt. i was. Going. to. have. a hearr. Attack!!!

 

H. Keeps. Talking. About our. futyre and how. Great. ir will be. He makes. Coffee and. compliments me....he. even. Watched. God. Tv. The. Other. Night!!!!

[2sunny]

Read up on abuse.

 

The pattern and mindset you describe is classic abusive relationship.

 

Get info on why your H has these bouts of "being all nice" and then suddenly mean.

 

He is the perpetrator and you play your victim role perfectly. Textbook.

 

Read up!

 

His recent outbursts show he hasn't changed one bit!

 

He's just better at convincing you he's changed - but he hasn't changed.

 

And you need a HUGE amount of courage and strength to leave and STAY away. You will need a loving support system. It won't be your dad, that's for sure! Your dad supports the abusive behavior!

 

I'd cut anyone and everyone out of my life who supported the abuse and/or encouraged staying.

 

Ya, you read that right!

 

And IF/WHEN you leave - do NOT choose to be around any other men (intimately) for a long while - until you trust yourself from a healthy state of mind to never, ever allow any man to abuse you again.

 

It is YOUR boundary! That's what needs work! You need to UNLEARN what you THINK is normal! Abuse isn't normal! Stop thinking it is!

 

But if you don't help yourself - and you still leave- you are likely to choose another abusive relationship - unless YOU LEARN how NOT to tolerate it anymore!

[jennaflorrie]

H. Hasn't told me. To. F. Off. He. Hasn't. Hir. Me.....he. has. Certainly. Chabgwd.....his. attitude and. Behaviour is. So. Much. Better.....but when. He. Flipped. Last week about mt dad and. Said he. F. Ing. Hated him....ranting. away. Just because my dad told me that. h had. Brought wrong. Sand for our. Project. House......I. saw. The. Old. Person. Still. there. Saying. he. Hated. He. Fing. Hated. Hated. F....ing. hated. My. Elderly. Dad!!!! Over. Sand?!

 

My. Dad. Didn't. Hear his. Rant as. I quickly. Got off the. Phone! Yes it will take. huge. Courage to. Separate. Foe. Good. And. I'm. Tired.

[2sunny]

H. Hasn't told me. To. F. Off. He. Hasn't. Hir. Me.....he. has. Certainly. Chabgwd.....his. attitude and. Behaviour is. So. Much. Better.....but when. He. Flipped. Last week about mt dad and. Said he. F. Ing. Hated him....ranting. away. Just because my dad told me that. h had. Brought wrong. Sand for our. Project. House......I. saw. The. Old. Person. Still. there. Saying. he. Hated. He. Fing. Hated. Hated. F....ing. hated. My. Elderly. Dad!!!! Over. Sand?!

 

My. Dad. Didn't. Hear his. Rant as. I quickly. Got off the. Phone! Yes it will take. huge. Courage to. Separate. Foe. Good. And. I'm. Tired.

 

I heard you the first time you explained your husbands piss poor behavior. No need to tell me twice.

 

Why don't you tell me why it's acceptable to be treated so poorly? Why cover up the bad behavior from your Dad? Your Dad has every reason to know how your H really feels about him. Stop covering up for him!

 

Your husbands acts like a dick - let people know/see it when he shows his true a-hole self!

 

And your kids see/hear these things? Come on - you're training the kids that his bad behavior is acceptable = all by staying!

[jennaflorrie]

My dad has openly told me my h is. Just stupid. That said he thinks. Marriage is for life.

 

What do you think will happen to H if we. Separate? Do you think it will kill him? I wish I knew he would find. Someone else. Will my son be. Ok? No dad in the house to talk to about. Sport and issues.

 

 

H is just wanting me to. Be. Happy he says. He. Compliments me constantly...but yes his recent outbursts are sad. Evidence....not of slip ups...but his true nature....he is. Hiding.

 

His dad asked me last week when we were. Moving back towards Hobbes. Work. I think he is getting fed up of looking after his son half the week when. H works and stays with his parents. He actually told me he would like a few years. Peace!!! My mum in law is. Smoking a lot more. Makes me wonder if. H is venting with his parents. Also how on earth would they cope if me and. H permanently. Separated ? As they previously told me. They would never let him be living alone.

[2sunny]

Stop worrying about everyone else except yourself!

 

Your H will go on - he will find another woman to abuse - they ALWAYS do!

 

Your son is grown. You can model what is not acceptable! He would get an idea that when you abuse women - they leave IF they grow and get healthy.

 

Start worrying about you. Start doing for yourself!

 

Stop believing all the crap that people tell you.

 

Learn what works for YOU! Create a NEW belief system that makes YOU happy!

 

Read the four agreements by don Miguel Ruiz! Do it now! You need help - get busy!

 

And if you leave again - post here for support! Don't isolate!

[jennaflorrie]

I read about the four agreements. Interesting. Thanks.

 

I have also ordered two spy cameras. Yes!! On E bay. They should arrive while H away. One will go in D bedroom, away from main bedroom area but near to door. Motion sensor.....one in Living area. I need to see what he is like when I am NOT around. Trust issues definitely.

 

My sister told me today, "Your H is your security, he grounds you"

 

OK

 

Maybe in a way.......

 

Cant wait to get the cameras on and rolling.

 

My decision is going to be based on what I find.

 

If he is nasty to D or S when I am out, if he is very different when I am not around, if he is snarling at D or S or ignoring totally....then he is out. I just need this back up.

 

On the other hand, if he is nice to D and trying to be good and kind and be that new man that he SAYS he is....then I will see that too.

 

Been meaning to get these cameras for a while. They weren't too expensive either.

 

Maybe I will get a few more and do the whole house...

[2sunny]

Seriously?

 

You have all the evidence you need.

 

How many more excuses are you trying to find for him?

 

 

Instead of looking at the evidence you have - you're now looking to disprove the evidence you know.

 

Have you started reading books on abuse patterns?

 

Do you realize you've just stated that you've needed cameras to monitor the level of your husbands abusive behavior?

 

Just that you find the need to do that is indicating the big problem you won't face!

Edited October 7, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Your daughter has LEARNED how to pretend with the abuser.

 

What help are you getting your daughter to unlearn what she has already learned as her "normal"?

[jennaflorrie]

I know it seems daft to have spy cameras....nannycams...but I need to do this. The charm offensive and the tears from H just weaken me. I don't know why. They just do. I know I shouldn't worry about everyone else. But I do.

 

My D is not being abused by her dad any longer. But she still does have to act when he is around. Because she is still angry with the way he was.

 

I know that if I see ANY verbal abuse or nastiness from H on that Camera that I will definitely kick his ass to the kerb. Forever. It will just help me....to see with my own eyes what he is like behind my back.....because of the way I CAUGHT him mouthing "I don't like you" at his daughter behind my back.

 

Since then he insists, swears that he has changed, that he loves his D and me and his S and he only wants to make us happy, any slip ups as in with my dad.....he apologises for and I get the charm and tear offensive which is just impossible for me ....again, I just don't understand that part of my psych. I am being honest here.

 

Help for my D.....looking into getting counselling, just for her. Bit of a long list. She needs to sort things out away from me.

[jennaflorrie]

IF I see H being nice and loving towards his D and S, when I am not in the house....that will help me to find the Trust in him. To believe that he has truly changed. I just need to know what he is like when I am not around.

[Minnie09]

Install a nanny cam.

[TaraMaiden]

IF I see H being nice and loving towards his D and S, when I am not in the house....that will help me to find the Trust in him. To believe that he has truly changed. I just need to know what he is like when I am not around.

 

You have truly turned procrastination into an art form....

 

You already know what he's like when you're not there. Like he is when you ARE there, but worse.

Surely you must know that when he can let his guard down, the schytt-stuff rises to the surface....

 

You must know that.

You must at least suspect that - or else, cameras would never enter your mind and you'd take his posturing at face value.

[jennaflorrie]

You have truly turned procrastination into an art form....

 

You already know what he's like when you're not there. Like he is when you ARE there, but worse.

Surely you must know that when he can let his guard down, the schytt-stuff rises to the surface....

 

You must know that.

You must at least suspect that - or else, cameras would never enter your mind and you'd take his posturing at face value.

 

Hi TaraMaiden, procrastination queen. Me. I made a big error taking H back when we split in 2012, I should have stayed separated and lived in my rented house and it would have saved me a lot of grief.

 

BUT, it is confusing....you see, my D said she acts in front of her dad. BUT tonight, just now, she has been sat on settee with him, chatting happily about all sorts, laughing with him. My H just got me a hot water bottle cos I said I was cold. But, I have no desire to kiss him on the lips or have sex with him. I still think about the other bloke. And that is why I am so confused. I chucked him again, took his suuitcases to his parents house, rang him up, told him we were through. BUT, I sobbed and sobbed, and wanted him back!!! I couldn't believe my reaction!

 

So, I have been thinking about these nanny cams for a while, and I think that by using them it may help me to reach a conclusion.

 

I feel like I am literally TORN APART. I wish I COULD be totally happy with my H. I wish the feelings for the other guy would go. Do I feel like this about my H because I have fallen for someone else?

 

My sister said today, "Yes, I do think he has changed" about my H. She said "He is your security" But she is as damn confused as me...because just a few nonths ago, when my H had a swearing tantrum in front of her, she asked me when he left the room "Why did you take him back"?

 

I wish an angel would fly in through the window and bring me a letter from God telling me what I should do for the best. Yes, there is the Bible, which states that if a man wants to stay with his wife, she must stay with him. That if she separates then she must remain separated or else go back to him. The Bible hates Divorce, but God says he also hates a man who covers himself with violence. God does not want women staying with men who beat them. I know.

 

Confusion is......will I make things WORSE for my kids and me if I separate? If H has changed....would I be a fool to throw the potential of this new, good version away?

 

Hence the cameras. They are ordered anyway and on the way. So I will use them.

[2sunny]

Your daughter had told you it is an act for her! Why aren't you doing things to help her? Help yourself?

 

Those cameras will provide MORE evidence - then you will make MORE excuses for his bad behavior.

 

Staying is on YOU! Procrastinating will get you MORE bad behavior.

 

At this point this is YOUR fault for not taking action to remove him from harming you - and your daughter.

[2sunny]

Your daughter had told you it is an act for her! Why aren't you doing things to help her? Help yourself?

 

Those cameras will provide MORE evidence - then you will make MORE excuses for his bad behavior.

 

Staying is on YOU! Procrastinating will get you MORE bad behavior.

 

At this point this is YOUR fault for not taking action to remove him from harming you - and your daughter.

[shortee]

Well I got back together with my husband, because I was soooo upset and felt totally lost without him. I cried so much my eyes were red. sobbed and sobbed....when H came back I was pleased to see him. But, its like he is my security, because I have NO desire to kiss him on lips or have intimate relations with him. So why did I take him back? I took him back and since then I have been thinking WHY?

 

Daughter seems to have been getting on with her father. Today he hugged her in front of me and said he loved her. I said to her later, "You seem to be getting on well with your dad" and she said "Acting".

 

H has been good as gold. Nothing is too much for him. So why after my crying and crying and crying for him to come back have I now thought "I don't love him". what is wrong with me?

 

Sorry I know I let you all down, you people have been encouraging me. But, I was so, so upset. When H was away, I felt lost, scared......I wanted H back so badly. Now, I am back to square one.

 

I've read your story here and elsewhere and I just don't know how you can continue to be such a horrible mother. Your 16 yr old daughter said it straight out, she is pretending and acting with him, walking on eggshells, just being agreeable, not really able to live her life, living in fear so that she doesn't set him off. Is that how you really want your daughter to live her life? I feel most sorry for her because she has to live her life in fear. And you are no help. You cry because you miss the abuser? Why the eff you need a nanny cam? There are two more examples of abuse(calling you pathetic). He can treat you any way he wants. You've already shown him he can do whatever he wants to you because you'll just take him back. That is the example that you set for your kids.

[jennaflorrie]

D knows I am not a horrible mother. And it is not so simple. This morning, she has been with her dad taking cat in to be neutered, off to Garden centre with him looking at the fish......talking, chatting, laughing.....he is not abusive to her. I would not allow that and I have got the nanny cams to MAKE SURE there is no abuse at all when I am not here.

 

She watches wildlife films with her dad and in some ways they get on. But, I have to know what H is like when I am not around for my own peace of mind. Trust issues. Yes, H has called me pathetic, mad, crazy....in front of son, he has also been instantly apologetic and trying to make amends.

 

I am an idiot for what I put myself an my kids through....BUT, I made my own life and I took my kids out everyday, had fun with them. they had friends, fun.....I built a life apart from my H. When he was in the house he caused an atmosphere and was verbally abusive and emotionally abusive.

 

I deserve condemnation for not going sooner....but I did GO. I only went back because H was owning what he had done. Admitting it was all his fault. He appeared to have changed. I have my TRUST issues. Hence the cameras.

[shortee]

She said she is acting. Do you know why abuse victims do that? They do so in order to keep the peace because they are afraid of what happens if they don't. Your daughter is appeasing your husband so they can get along. SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE HER LIFE THAT WAY! You say you won't allow it, but you seem oblivious to reality. You are allowing it. You are allowing your daughter to walk on eggshells and pretend to be ok when she's not.

[2sunny]

When she has told you before - and you haven't taken steps to PROTECT her - by leaving him and providing her safety- it makes her not trust YOU as much as your husband.

 

Because YOU KNOW and you're not taking steps to protect your daughter from the evil he spews onto her.

 

For THAT - she likely doesn't trust you either.

 

And when she's married to an abuser and he hurts their children - you've trained her to stay and convince herself how to cope well with abusive behavior.

 

It's your job to protect her and provide her safety. She won't trust women or men since you've set the bar so low at a young age.

 

The example you've set so far is to live with it and pretend it is ok. That is what she is learning as "normal". That is not normal!

Edited October 8, 2013 by 2sunny