Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[jennaflorrie]

Before. H left today for. 3. Days away he said"God has my soul but you have my heart". He appears to. Own his. Previous abusive. Behaviour. He wants to be a good man now. He is eager to please us all. If he is acting its. Oscarwirthy!

 

I. Need these. Nanny. Cams to see what goes on when I'm not. Around.....I really do. I take on board everything said. I deserve berating. But as. I have previously. Saud. I. Put up with. H. When kids were little. Because. I didn't want. H having them for days and. Days. Without me. Around. When kids. We're older. I. Left. I need. Cameras to see if. H. truly has. Changed. If I see. anything remotely abusive i on. Cameras then. H is. Gone.

[shortee]

But you have already seen the abuse right in front of you for 22 years. You already have seen more abusive outbursts from him and you allow it to happen. The damage is done. Stop making more excuses. Your daughter has already suffered enough emotional damage and you allow it to continue. You have shown your husband that he can abuse you and you dont leave him.

[jennaflorrie]

Typo errors on previous post were because they were from mobile.....on way home with son half hour ago, I asked him "Do you think your dad has changed"? He said "Yes, calmer now" I asked him "If me and your dad hadn't got back together would you have been really upset"? He said that's an obvious question to answer!! In other words of course he would have been upset.

 

I said "Well if your dad had stayed the same we would have divorced" he just nodded. I asked him who he would live with "I don't know"....

 

So Son can see a definite improved dad.

 

And I can see a definite improved H Its just trust issues with me, plus the slip ups have concerned me. So, that's my reason for needing the nanny cams. My son is 16 Old enough to hopefully be ok with a divorce, though of course divorce affects children of any age. Which is why I am trying my best to do the right thing....not just for myself but for the family as a whole. If H has changed truthly and will even improve then I don't want to be a fool and throw that potential away.

[jennaflorrie]

But you have already seen the abuse right in front of you for 22 years. You already have seen more abusive outbursts from him and you allow it to happen. The damage is done. Stop making more excuses. Your daughter has already suffered enough emotional damage and you allow it to continue. You have shown your husband that he can abuse you and you dont leave him.

 

And if I separate and prevent possible healing between Daughter and Father than that will cause even more emotional damage. And if I divorce my sons father and take away someone who he wants around then that will emotionally damage him.

 

I have seen slip ups that's true. But I have shown my H that I can and will leave him because I DID leave him and he knows I will do it again if necessary. I have also seen massive massive improvements and a genuine desire to change and a man who wants to change his future and regrets deeply his abusive past.

[TaraMaiden]

And if I separate and prevent possible healing between Daughter and Father than that will cause even more emotional damage. And if I divorce my sons father and take away someone who he wants around then that will emotionally damage him.

What utter and complete rubbish.

Divorcing a husband doesn't remove his fatherhood. He is still a father, whatever you do.

If by divorcing him, his relationships with his children deteriorate, then that's of their making.

Not yours.

 

I have seen slip ups that's true. But I have shown my H that I can and will leave him because I DID leave him and he knows I will do it again if necessary.

Yes.

And again, and again and again.

Because he has also seen that if he cries, pleads and whines to the right degree, he can reel you back in again. He manipulates your neediness to his own ends, and you permit it.

 

 

I have also seen massive massive improvements and a genuine desire to change and a man who wants to change his future and regrets deeply his abusive past.

No, you haven't.

You have merely seen him present that facet.

Unless you can penetrate his mind and see for yourself how his thoughts are generated and directed, you can only take things at face value.

You cannot be sure.

 

And anything you are not sure of, like a sleeping dog, should be left to lie.

[jennaflorrie]

What utter and complete rubbish.

Divorcing a husband doesn't remove his fatherhood. He is still a father, whatever you do.

If by divorcing him, his relationships with his children deteriorate, then that's of their making.

Not yours.

 

 

Yes.

And again, and again and again.

Because he has also seen that if he cries, pleads and whines to the right degree, he can reel you back in again. He manipulates your neediness to his own ends, and you permit it.

 

 

 

No, you haven't.

You have merely seen him present that facet.

Unless you can penetrate his mind and see for yourself how his thoughts are generated and directed, you can only take things at face value.

You cannot be sure.

 

And anything you are not sure of, like a sleeping dog, should be left to lie.

 

Yes, but my Son said tonight how upset he would have been with a divorce. I just don't want him to be hurt. I moved away from his old home and old friends......to do this house up.....to think....and to take away his dad (I know he wouldn't be far away, and he could stay with his dad) to put him through trauma.....I just worry about that.

 

And my D has been through enough.....if her dad has changed and is being kind to her....that will help surely? If he has truly, truly changed and really does want to make a good future....and appreciates his D then would I be putting a bomb under this and causing even more trauma for my D?

 

Or would my S be OK? Would my D flourish? Would my H be OK in the end, find someone else.....would my family understand? Would my in laws be ok?

 

It feels like a gamble, which is why I got the nanny cams. To help me, make up my flipping mind

[2sunny]

When you get your evidence - what lies will you tell yourself then - in order to overlook more of his bad behavior?

 

Your gut knows - yet you continue to betray yourself - and your daughter!

 

You worry about what everyone thinks - and THAT'S a huge problem.

 

Your D now knows that when she confides in you - you DO NOTHING to protect her. So now she doesn't trust either parent to look out for her best interest. And that is why she has developed fine tuned coping skills.

 

That is the same as you allowing her to be abused - because you've KNOWN and yet you haven't removed her from his presence.

Edited October 9, 2013 by 2sunny

[jennaflorrie]

When you get your evidence - what lies will you tell yourself then - in order to overlook more of his bad behavior?

 

Your gut knows - yet you continue to betray yourself - and your daughter!

 

You worry about what everyone thinks - and THAT'S a huge problem.

 

Your D now knows that when she confides in you - you DO NOTHING to protect her. So now she doesn't trust either parent to look out for her best interest. And that is why she has developed fine tuned coping skills.

 

That is the same as you allowing her to be abused - because you've KNOWN and yet you haven't removed her from his presence.

 

My D is not being abused....she was verbally abused...emotionally abused too.......I got the full works and I shielded my kids as much as I could....even in the bad days....my H would not dare to say anything to D or S I would have ripped his head off. But, yes....what he did get away with when he had care of the kids and I was sleeping after night shifts WAS abusive...BUT I was between the devil and the deep blue sea because if I had separated when they were little he would have had them for longer periods WITHOUT me. And that would have been worse.

 

Now, H is nice to D - hugging her, telling her he loves her, he even apologised to her for being an angry dad in the past. But since the hiccups when he said "I don't like you" to his D I have not heard him say anything else remotely mean and he is in fact praising her all the time now and encouraging her.

 

BUT its me....I have the trust issues....yes, D may not tell me if her father had been grumpy...she may not trust me because I went back to her father, but I have explained to her and talked to her in depth and I have asked her how she finds her dad now. She just says she doesn't want to talk about it. Which is not helpful for me. So I need these nannycams. I pray they arrive before he gets home on Thursday afternoon!! Cos if he finds out that I am going to spy on him, well I would lose the opportunity to find out for sure...what goes on when I am not around.

 

I do listen to people and I probably should have more confidence in my own feelings. But I don't. So I need these nanny cams to help.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Hi

 

I've read some of this thread and would like to share some of my experience with you...I'm not expert at all but I have lived with an abusive man for over 20 yrs as well...so take my thoughts with that in mind.

 

I'm much like you. I am in between really leaving and just sticking it out. I'm in between love and fear (?) of what's going to happen when I tell him he's just got to go...I'm scared, really. I'm hesitant because of that fear...but also because of the hope...I hope and wish and pray...that he's going to change...but in the middle of myself I know he's not. I just know it.

 

Unlike you I don't need any proof, I know. He's not mean to our kids and if he was there's no way I'd be with him now. that's a line in the sand that will never move. I have moved my own line several times...and that makes me feels bad about myself.

 

I'm confused on what is the *right* thing to do. If it was just me, no problem. But it's not just me, it's our kids too....and sickly, it's him also...I do love him and worry about him...but I should be putting myself first in my life...I know this but it's hard to do...idk way but I'm slowly figuring it out.

 

There comes a point where we either shut up and die (inside) or we break out and live (inside)...I'm tired, really tired, of having to deal with this on a daily basis...it's time for me to heal myself...to find inner peace...to find love in myself for myself...and I'm finding that to do this I need to find forgiveness...for him and me...and I find that I can't forgive him or me for any of this if it keeps happening. If I try that route its like I'm lying to myself...it doesn't work. I'm realizing that I can't forgive him and stay married to him. I can't forgive myself for putting up with all this stuff for so long...if I keep putting up with it. Understand?

 

Its a tough road to walk but I'm finding my way. It hurts, but it won't hurt forever. I'm scared, but I have faith in my Creator to keep me safe and, if I get quite and really listen, I know I will be shown the right way to proceed. I pray every day.

 

((((hugs)))) to you. Wishing you all the best.

[shortee]

My D is not being abused....she was verbally abused...emotionally abused too.......I got the full works and I shielded my kids as much as I could....even in the bad days....my H would not dare to say anything to D or S I would have ripped his head off. But, yes....what he did get away with when he had care of the kids and I was sleeping after night shifts WAS abusive...BUT I was between the devil and the deep blue sea because if I had separated when they were little he would have had them for longer periods WITHOUT me. And that would have been worse.

 

Now, H is nice to D - hugging her, telling her he loves her, he even apologised to her for being an angry dad in the past. But since the hiccups when he said "I don't like you" to his D I have not heard him say anything else remotely mean and he is in fact praising her all the time now and encouraging her.

 

BUT its me....I have the trust issues....yes, D may not tell me if her father had been grumpy...she may not trust me because I went back to her father, but I have explained to her and talked to her in depth and I have asked her how she finds her dad now. She just says she doesn't want to talk about it. Which is not helpful for me. So I need these nannycams. I pray they arrive before he gets home on Thursday afternoon!! Cos if he finds out that I am going to spy on him, well I would lose the opportunity to find out for sure...what goes on when I am not around.

 

I do listen to people and I probably should have more confidence in my own feelings. But I don't. So I need these nanny cams to help.

 

 

Your husband would not have had your kids alone. You could have gotten a protective order and supervised visitation. You're still making excuses. The damage to your daughter is done. I doubt she would tell you he is still being abusive toward her. You haven't done anything for her. You haven't protected her from him. Again, the damage is done. She says nothing and pretends everything is ok when it's not. Because she doesn't want to set him off. If she walks on eggshells and pretends everything is ok, her father will not be set off. Your husband is a ticking time bomb. Your daughter does everything she can not to let that happen. That is not her job. You have allowed your daughter to live in constant fear. You haven't done your job.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm willing to bet once her husband's verbal and emotional abuse takes affect and produces the results he's looking for, then he'll easily resume back towards physical abuse. He has done that before so what makes the OP think he won't do it again???

 

I don't know what type of security is the OP looking from a man that put fear for 20+ years of her life??? Now I honestly believe we are indeed a super forgiving gender whereas men send you to hell if you give them too much bs. What exactly will it take for a man to do that will make us not forgive him at all???

Edited October 9, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, but my Son said tonight how upset he would have been with a divorce. I just don't want him to be hurt.

Tough.

You can't wrap the kid in cotton wool and prevent life happening.

Divorce hurts, sure. But how much and for how long?

That's not for you to try to temper.

That's for him to see, accept and deal with.

You don't get it, do you??

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for how others react to what you do!!

 

I moved away from his old home and old friends......to do this house up.....to think....and to take away his dad (I know he wouldn't be far away, and he could stay with his dad) to put him through trauma.....I just worry about that.

Then quit worrying, or he will use and abuse your good nature precisely as his father has. Who do you think, as a male, he will look to most for influence?

So you'll just perpetuate the behaviour, right?

And that's a good thing, by your reckoning, is it?

 

And my D has been through enough.....if her dad has changed and is being kind to her....that will help surely? If he has truly, truly changed and really does want to make a good future....and appreciates his D then would I be putting a bomb under this and causing even more trauma for my D?

You can't undo her past or erase her memories. Life is for her to digest and evaluate. Don't take that liberty away from her.

All you are doing now is entrenching in her mind that no matter how the abuser behaves, staying is the right thing to do.....

 

Or would my S be OK? Would my D flourish? Would my H be OK in the end, find someone else.....would my family understand? Would my in laws be ok?

Who knows?

Nobody can answer that for you.

But sure as eggs is eggs, if you stay, you risk far greater danger, of lather, rinse, repeat. One thing's for sure. perpetuating bad behaviour does not eliminate it.

As to your in-laws -and your family, for that matter?

They don't figure.

It's none of their business what you do.

This is your life, for you to direct, for yourself.

 

you really do need to get it through your head.

 

QUIT LIVING FOR THE WILL OF OTHERS: They are not concerned with your best interests. They are concerned for their own.

 

It feels like a gamble, which is why I got the nanny cams. To help me, make up my flipping mind

A futile, foolish and unnecessary expenditure, with the advice you're getting here. FOC. Unanimously.....

[2sunny]

The money you spent on cameras should be spent on counseling to find out why you don't change your situation.

 

While you're at it - find out why you cry when given the freedom of an open door - and why you run backwards to the abuser for MORE abuse!

 

It IS your fault at this point - because you had an open door - yet you CHOSE to run back for more abuse.

 

 

Who abused you growing up?

[jennaflorrie]

Hi

 

I've read some of this thread and would like to share some of my experience with you...I'm not expert at all but I have lived with an abusive man for over 20 yrs as well...so take my thoughts with that in mind.

 

I'm much like you. I am in between really leaving and just sticking it out. I'm in between love and fear (?) of what's going to happen when I tell him he's just got to go...I'm scared, really. I'm hesitant because of that fear...but also because of the hope...I hope and wish and pray...that he's going to change...but in the middle of myself I know he's not. I just know it.

 

Unlike you I don't need any proof, I know. He's not mean to our kids and if he was there's no way I'd be with him now. that's a line in the sand that will never move. I have moved my own line several times...and that makes me feels bad about myself.

 

I'm confused on what is the *right* thing to do. If it was just me, no problem. But it's not just me, it's our kids too....and sickly, it's him also...I do love him and worry about him...but I should be putting myself first in my life...I know this but it's hard to do...idk way but I'm slowly figuring it out.

 

There comes a point where we either shut up and die (inside) or we break out and live (inside)...I'm tired, really tired, of having to deal with this on a daily basis...it's time for me to heal myself...to find inner peace...to find love in myself for myself...and I'm finding that to do this I need to find forgiveness...for him and me...and I find that I can't forgive him or me for any of this if it keeps happening. If I try that route its like I'm lying to myself...it doesn't work. I'm realizing that I can't forgive him and stay married to him. I can't forgive myself for putting up with all this stuff for so long...if I keep putting up with it. Understand?

 

Its a tough road to walk but I'm finding my way. It hurts, but it won't hurt forever. I'm scared, but I have faith in my Creator to keep me safe and, if I get quite and really listen, I know I will be shown the right way to proceed. I pray every day.

 

((((hugs)))) to you. Wishing you all the best.

 

Thanks I wish you all the best too! Thank you for sharing x

 

My brother came over today, we were chatting...he said "You have done really well....of course you did the right thing, you should stay with your husband.....divorced couples with children very rarely find happiness....they end up fiinanically and emotionally worse off, their children end up drug addicts, crying depressed..,,...." He proceeded to tell me how staying with your husband or wife is always the right thing to do. He just about conceded that abusive spouses should be lived apart from, but divorce is the big no no.....evil!!!

 

I said President Reagan was second married and happy. "Yes, but they didn't have children" I also have an aunty who remarried and has had a wonderful second marriage "Ah but they didn't have children either"....was his reply.

 

Basically, I was right to suck it up. And God has changed my H and I have done really well:(

[jennaflorrie]

The money you spent on cameras should be spent on counseling to find out why you don't change your situation.

 

While you're at it - find out why you cry when given the freedom of an open door - and why you run backwards to the abuser for MORE abuse!

 

It IS your fault at this point - because you had an open door - yet you CHOSE to run back for more abuse.

 

 

Who abused you growing up?

 

I am not getting more abuse. H is behaving himself that's why I need the nanny cams....just to make sure!

 

I did bawl and bawl when I split with H....that was really bizarre. Fear? Insecurity? While I was away from him, I just kept picturing him sitting on the settee, looking sad and sorrowful and remorseful and wanting to make me happy. I just don't understand why I cant stick to a decision about him.

[jennaflorrie]

Tough.

You can't wrap the kid in cotton wool and prevent life happening.

Divorce hurts, sure. But how much and for how long?

That's not for you to try to temper.

That's for him to see, accept and deal with.

You don't get it, do you??

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for how others react to what you do!!

 

 

Then quit worrying, or he will use and abuse your good nature precisely as his father has. Who do you think, as a male, he will look to most for influence?

So you'll just perpetuate the behaviour, right?

And that's a good thing, by your reckoning, is it?

 

 

You can't undo her past or erase her memories. Life is for her to digest and evaluate. Don't take that liberty away from her.

All you are doing now is entrenching in her mind that no matter how the abuser behaves, staying is the right thing to do.....

 

 

Who knows?

Nobody can answer that for you.

But sure as eggs is eggs, if you stay, you risk far greater danger, of lather, rinse, repeat. One thing's for sure. perpetuating bad behaviour does not eliminate it.

As to your in-laws -and your family, for that matter?

They don't figure.

It's none of their business what you do.

This is your life, for you to direct, for yourself.

 

you really do need to get it through your head.

 

QUIT LIVING FOR THE WILL OF OTHERS: They are not concerned with your best interests. They are concerned for their own.

 

 

A futile, foolish and unnecessary expenditure, with the advice you're getting here. FOC. Unanimously.....

 

What does FOC stand for?

 

Yes, divorce will happen if H does not behave himself. He does KNOW that. I am not messing. But I just want to see what the old bugger is like when I am not around. That's all. And the expense is worth the peace of mind and if it helps me sort my head out..,.worth it.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Not all children of divorce are worse off with the divorce. There's a lady I know who's mother waited to divorce the dad until she was 18 yrs old. When she finally left the dad the daughter was so happy. When the daughter found out why her mom stayed so long she was upset because she was the reason her mom went thru hell with her dad. Crazy stuff, that lady suffers from guilt over this and is working thru it.

 

Live apart from him if you have to, but don't stay with him. I think you know, as well as I do, that he is not really a changed man...that man is still in there...and you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is where I'm at now, too. I just know deep in my bones that the other shoe is going to drop (again and again and again)...and I really just don't want to live like this anymore.

[2sunny]

Who abused you growing up?

[jennaflorrie]

Who abused you growing up?

 

 

My mum had a big breakdown when I was 3. She never recovered. She did her best to look after us all, but my dad was off and away, hardly home but he loved her so so much and was a good dad. But he was away and he left us at mums mercy. If she was angry, she would lash out. Pull my hair. Threw a glass milk bottle at me once. My Dad just said I was right to stick up for myself, because if my mum pulled my hair, I would pull her hair back - but I felt bad doing it.

 

My mum used to pick on my brother more. I used to run out the house screaming and crying and I remember my dad sitting on top of my mum and my mum sobbing and sobbing...dad just sitting on her to restrain her till she calmed down.

 

I would sometimes go to school with red eyes from crying...dad would say to stick my head out the window.

 

My mum let us have a lot of freedom though...and in many ways I had a good childhood.

 

Dad would be busy working, or just off.....he escaped it all and us kids were left to cope.

 

I left home when I was 21 and met my H when I was 22.

 

I knew I shouldn't marry my H when I was walking up the aisle. But I thought he was all I would get. And he was a hugger and I had never had hugs or kisses growing up. I didn't even like people getting in my personal space....H hugged me and kissed me and held my hand...and it was like manna to a starving soul.

 

To have it all turn bad as it did = was a nightmare.

[jennaflorrie]

I would also stick up for my little sister, if my mum came after her I would stand right in front and take the slaps. My sister has always adored me because I protected her.

[jennaflorrie]

My sister is happily married to a lovely man with great kids. I am glad she is happy and ok.

[2sunny]

My mum had a big breakdown when I was 3. She never recovered. She did her best to look after us all, but my dad was off and away, hardly home but he loved her so so much and was a good dad. But he was away and he left us at mums mercy. If she was angry, she would lash out. Pull my hair. Threw a glass milk bottle at me once. My Dad just said I was right to stick up for myself, because if my mum pulled my hair, I would pull her hair back - but I felt bad doing it.

 

My mum used to pick on my brother more. I used to run out the house screaming and crying and I remember my dad sitting on top of my mum and my mum sobbing and sobbing...dad just sitting on her to restrain her till she calmed down.

 

I would sometimes go to school with red eyes from crying...dad would say to stick my head out the window.

 

My mum let us have a lot of freedom though...and in many ways I had a good childhood.

 

Dad would be busy working, or just off.....he escaped it all and us kids were left to cope.

 

I left home when I was 21 and met my H when I was 22.

 

I knew I shouldn't marry my H when I was walking up the aisle. But I thought he was all I would get. And he was a hugger and I had never had hugs or kisses growing up. I didn't even like people getting in my personal space....H hugged me and kissed me and held my hand...and it was like manna to a starving soul.

 

To have it all turn bad as it did = was a nightmare.

 

YOUR sense of "normal to you".

 

It isn't normal - when you finally realize that you shouldn't have to feel badly about feeling normal.

 

22 or 23 years - maybe you will make it to 40 years.

 

What an accomplishment. Note my sarcasm.

 

You have evidence that your family EXPECTS you to take the abuse and stay and take more.

 

Your family is F-ed up!

[TaraMaiden]

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Instead this time, your H is the controlling manipulative one. And because your mother was a mental bitch, you don't want to show yourself to be the same by doing something as self-preserving as saving yourself and leaving him, (which is why your father objects to your wish to divorce. because HE didn't.....) so rather than 'be a bitch and leave' you stick around to be a better mom than she was.

 

But it's merely perpetuating the same behaviour, from a different angle.

 

FOC = Free. Of. Charge.

Gratis, Buck-shee.

No cost to you.

Willingly given with no expectation of payment.

[2sunny]

Family of origin. FOO

 

Your father allowed abuse to his kids and didn't protect them - leaving them to "cope" as best they could.

 

You're doing the same to your daughter. Same role for you with H that you had with your Mom.

 

Only way to change it is to change HOW YOU PARTICIPATE!

 

You can not expect him to change - it must be CHANGE FROM YOU!!!

[jennaflorrie]

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Instead this time, your H is the controlling manipulative one. And because your mother was a mental bitch, you don't want to show yourself to be the same by doing something as self-preserving as saving yourself and leaving him, (which is why your father objects to your wish to divorce. because HE didn't.....) so rather than 'be a bitch and leave' you stick around to be a better mom than she was.

 

But it's merely perpetuating the same behaviour, from a different angle.

 

.

 

But my H has changed....it appears.....even my sister said "He has changed..." everyone says they can see a new improved man.

 

I will not go back to being abused.....that's the end of. The cameras are just to see what goes on when I am not around......because although H appears to have changed he could just be a damn good actor.

 

My mum was actually kind....but she was extremely stressed and ill. Maybe that's why I gave H so many allowances, I pitied my Mum and have transferred that pity from her to my H.