Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[jennaflorrie]

Family of origin. FOO

 

Your father allowed abuse to his kids and didn't protect them - leaving them to "cope" as best they could.

 

You're doing the same to your daughter. Same role for you with H that you had with your Mom.

 

Only way to change it is to change HOW YOU PARTICIPATE!

 

You can not expect him to change - it must be CHANGE FROM YOU!!!

 

I did change. I left H in 2011. I refused to participate. And H changed. OK he has had a few hiccups...but generally as everyone who knows him has said....H has changed for the better, wants to be abetter man. The nanny cams are because of my trust issues.

 

I loved my dad and he never raised a hand or his voice to us, he was the loveliest dad...but - YES, he did stick his head in the sand and I know he had to work to bring money in....but he also escaped away from the situation. And that was wrong of him.

[2sunny]

Simply put - you're not looking at your evidence = what is real.

 

He JUST a few days ago had a very angry outburst.

 

 

If a dog bites someone - is he "all better" and safe to have around if he ONLY bites you once in a while?

 

He's still a dog that bites you.

[2sunny]

Are the nanny cams in?

[jennaflorrie]

Just working out. How to use them

 

One of the cams is. Easy....a. key. Fob....portable... The other more complicated.....a. clock which will go in. D. Room. Today. D. Helped her dad in. Garden. She seemed. Fine. H. In. Very. Good. Mood....kind appreciative. I. Want to. Become expert at handling these. Cameras ....then. we. Shall see what goes. On. When the. Cats. Away.....

[TaraMaiden]

..........The dog gets to sleep in the comfy chair.

[2sunny]

I'm afraid your D will be affected - because you haven't taken action on HER word yet - and when you find your evidence in film - all she will think is "Mom didn't believe me/my words - and she had to have it on film to believe it.

 

This alone hurts YOUR relationship with your D. Her words mean nothing to you.

 

Get the evidence - it will show up eventually... It's evident by his angry outburst about your Dad.

 

CHOOSING to close your eyes doesn't make it not happen - I wonder what your plan is when you get the evidence?

 

Your D has now been trained to stay silent - and pretend everything is "fine". When she ALLOWS that behavior from her husband and pretends by lying to herself - don't be surprised - it's what you've trained her to do.

 

And yes, most that have been abused for their lifetime cry without the abuser - most that WANT to change THEMSELVES seek professional help to discover how to break FREE from that pattern/fear. Your D needs that help as much as you do.

[jennaflorrie]

My D seems to have morphed into her Dad this morning.....she kicked my leg and had a tantrum because she couldn't find the butter!

 

She told me to shut up and just was verbally aggressive. This isn't the first time, which is why I need to see on cam what is going on. Because my D can exaggerate and she certainly seems to have some of her dads characgteristics....an angry tongue and the lashing out.

 

She has always had a temper and that's why I needed concrete evidence....I used to think well is she saying this because she doesn't get on with her dad...because they are too alike?

 

D was sunshine and light when she first got up, but just got annoyed about the butter!

 

She will no doubt apologise and I will talk to her.

 

She is a fiery one....just like her dad. My H has been calm in contrast. When I set the cam up....when I took dog out for walk.....checked later and it hadn't recorded. Have to practice a bit more with it.

[jennaflorrie]

Bloody nanny cam didn't record yesterday.

 

D is now back to her happy self. Maybe its hormones, maybe she is a bit like her dad, maybe she has had a bad example, maybe its a combination of all these things.

 

I feel like going to live in the woods for the next 20 years...or however long left I have on this earth. Just live quietly somewhere and forget that the past ever happened...that I fell madly in love with another man but couldn't have him....that I have seemingly failed as a human being...though I always tried to do the right thing.

 

Beam me up Scotty.

[TaraMaiden]

Bloody nanny cam didn't record yesterday.

 

D is now back to her happy self. Maybe its hormones, maybe she is a bit like her dad, maybe she has had a bad example, maybe its a combination of all these things.

Or maybe it's just you trying to find justification in the reactions of others for capitulating and not going through with your prior intentions.

 

More like it....

 

Don't look to what others think, say and do about their own involvement to underpin what your decisions are.

 

I feel like going to live in the woods for the next 20 years...or however long left I have on this earth. Just live quietly somewhere and forget that the past ever happened...that I fell madly in love with another man but couldn't have him....that I have seemingly failed as a human being...though I always tried to do the right thing.

No, you haven't failed as a human being.

But you have failed yourself, desperately.

Your 'trying to do the right thing' has been dreadfully misguided, because that's not what you've been doing.

What you've been doing is doing whatever it's taken to make everyone else happy, at the cost of your own contentment.

 

Which, as is glaringly evident, has left you feeling devastated, discontented, and very unhappy.

 

See...pleasing others is not fulfilment, in the long run.

 

Pleasing others is ultimately, self-sacrificing and utterly fruitless.

[2sunny]

It serves a purpose - it helps others to join in the pity party to feel sorry for her. Especially when she's not changing it.

 

Doing nothing IS something - you get to be "the victim" longer = the role you know how to play in life.

 

Hmmm, HOW to change to become the warrior?

[jennaflorrie]

D fighting with S today....H away working, Siblings fighting....and I would say D was the noisiest and used the most swear words!

 

Felt very very cheered today though....when someone who worked with me commented to someone else that I was too nice for this world. And the other person said how much I am liked.......that's nice, not such a failure after all. Because I love people and try to be the best person I can be.

 

I cannot feel sorry for myself......I nursed a woman the other day......dying of cancer aged 40. Puts everything in perspective....I deal in death and dying daily....its part of my nursing job. And when I see younger people dying it makes me feel that I am blessed and should remember that life is fleeting and be thankful for every day.

 

Someone told me that the worst is over for me. That I have been the warrior...fighting the battle for a long time....that my H has changed and I should believe that because he HAS.

 

Yes my D has been affected and my S but life affects us all in different ways....if I had divorced they would have been affected by that too...probably blamed me for taking their father away.....cos they wouldn't know what the alternative would be.

 

You just cant win sometimes. But I am grateful for my children, I am thankful for my health and I just want to help my children to overcome the issues of the past. No family is unscathed in this life...this is an imperfect world. I wanted to keep my children close to me, so I put up with H at the time.....I was working nights and hardly sleeping...so I always was there for my kids and rarely had to leave them with their dad.

 

Years of sleeplessness and exhaustion ended in 2011 when my heart died for my H.....and I fell in love with the other man. The past 2 years have been so difficult. But I am coming through them. My H knows that I will NOT be abused ever again. Not verbally, physically or emotionally. He knows I want to live in harmony and peace. And I will live by myself if I have to.

 

My D has her own issues and she also has her fathers nature in some aspects. I will be here for her to help her and encourage her as much as I can.

 

Letting go of the other man and the dream of a life with him has been challenging......every love song I heard on the radio....was about him. Every day dream of him. Maybe it is time for me to let go of that illusion.

 

I am grateful for everyones advice on this thread, I truly am.....but I know the whole, complete picture and I have to live with myself and the decisions I make.

 

I do wish I had stayed separated last year.....that I hadn't brought this house....just so I could have really, really been certain, because the lack of trust has been a problem.

 

The nanny cams will hopefully prove that all is well with my H.

 

If if if if if they don't....then of course H will be out. No doubt, no excuses.

[2sunny]

I just can't help but shake my head in disbelief at your level of denial you keep telling yourself.

 

Keep posting - I can't see how responding to you is helping you though. You are intent to believe so much crap others tell you - what to think, how to feel, what to do, what not to do.

 

You've done IT THAT way for almost 23 years! How has it worked out for you? It's time to stop listening to everyone else and listen to your inner voice - then take action on that - something NEW might give you NEW RESULTS.

 

Your denial has done nothing but harm you and your loved ones. Change would be good.

[jennaflorrie]

I just can't help but shake my head in disbelief at your level of denial you keep telling yourself.

 

Keep posting - I can't see how responding to you is helping you though. You are intent to believe so much crap others tell you - what to think, how to feel, what to do, what not to do.

 

You've done IT THAT way for almost 23 years! How has it worked out for you? It's time to stop listening to everyone else and listen to your inner voice - then take action on that - something NEW might give you NEW RESULTS.

 

Your denial has done nothing but harm you and your loved ones. Change would be good.

 

I haven't denied anything though. I have admitted H was a bastard and D and S affected. I left H in 2012. I did things differently and it had a result...H changed, cos he realised what he had and what he had lost.

 

I will never, ever go back to being abused. Never. I understand what you are saying, I do....right now, I need to sort this house out get it on the market, sell it.....if H throws up any abuse of any sort....THAT will be the time to kick him into touch. I have a lot on my plate right now and I am frankly...exhausted. The nanny cam still not working. Need to get back to finding out how the thing works!

 

I am watching H very carefully. Very carefully indeed.

[2sunny]

You've handed him your peace of mind...you're walking on eggshells...his recent outburst. Yes, you are denying what he does to you - what you've allowed him to take from you.

 

 

Are you seeing a trauma counselor yet?

[samsungxoxo]

What kind of marriage has a wife that has to constantly put cam to check if her husband is still abusive? It seems that the OP wants to still have drama and see for more evidence that she already has. Why the need to go through all that?

 

He was already abusive in the past and not too long ago. He had no problems showing her his nasty side and suddenly she wants to believe him???

 

Her daughter is already developing her husband's abusive traits and she still wants to work it out with him??? Why??

[2sunny]

The one that needs to CHANGE is YOU!

 

You need to get strong enough to change YOUR life.

 

Get help to become stronger...strong enough to NEVER settle for the life ever again.

 

Settling= compromising=mad at self for not expecting decency. Change brings hope.

[TaraMaiden]

I haven't denied anything though. I have admitted H was a bastard and D and S affected. I left H in 2012. I did things differently and it had a result...H changed, cos he realised what he had and what he had lost.

 

I will never, ever go back to being abused. Never. I understand what you are saying, I do....right now, I need to sort this house out get it on the market, sell it.....if H throws up any abuse of any sort....THAT will be the time to kick him into touch. I have a lot on my plate right now and I am frankly...exhausted. The nanny cam still not working. Need to get back to finding out how the thing works!

 

I am watching H very carefully. Very carefully indeed.

No, you're not.

you're teaching him - and your children - that he can manipulate you any time he wants.

Exactly as he has done now.

If you really meant to never going back to being abused, you wouldn't have gone back, this time.

[2sunny]

You have denied A LOT!

 

Stop making excuses! Learn how to be honest with YOURSELF!

 

I can read here! And you lying saying he's not abusive now is just YOU lying to YOURSELF!

 

Write down every single days events. Take a look at how much you forfeit YOUR peace of mind to stay!

 

Go back and read your words you've typed here!

 

 

And don't think leaving should include the new dude - given that like energy attracts - and your history - he's likely to be an abuser too!

 

You need to change YOU. Change HOW YOU PARTICIPATE!

 

THAT is only up to YOU!

 

Find a counselor that specializes in helping victims! TODAY!

[jennaflorrie]

Yes that's a good idea....I will keep a record. Day to day.

 

H today has been a star. He has been cuddling me, telling me how much he loves me and that he was such an idiot in the past and has a new appreciation for me.

 

He has said that I am tired and he wants us to do the house up and for me to give up work completely and work IF I want to, but just to rest for a while. He said he wants to look after me and do all he can to make me happy.

 

Well, that was awesome.

 

I put nannycam on. For when I went out briefly. Will check it later.

[2sunny]

Have you found a counselor yet?

 

 

It looks like he's calling the shots. What, are you 3 years old and need his permission to work or not? I'd think YOU have a brain and can make decision on your own! Oh, I forgot - HE is in charge of you - because you've allowed that.

 

You want to work - work. You want to take a break, determine if that's wise for YOU. Do it if it makes sense.

 

Stop handing him all YOUR POWER.

[shortee]

Yes that's a good idea....I will keep a record. Day to day.

 

H today has been a star. He has been cuddling me, telling me how much he loves me and that he was such an idiot in the past and has a new appreciation for me.

 

He has said that I am tired and he wants us to do the house up and for me to give up work completely and work IF I want to, but just to rest for a while. He said he wants to look after me and do all he can to make me happy.

 

Well, that was awesome.

 

I put nannycam on. For when I went out briefly. Will check it later.

 

Yeah that's a great idea. He already controls you emotionally, but now you let him control you financially. You quit your job, he calls the shots and can manipulate you any way he wants. He can prevent you from ever leaving since he'll make and control all the money. You will never be able to leave. He'll be able to control you and manipulate you any way you want. Is that really what you want?

 

You do realize him being so lovey and nice is just part of the cycle of abuse? It's all part of his manipulation and control. Now I find it curious that he wants you to quit your job. Red flags should be going up for you. But you seem to want the abuse and manipulation. Nobody can help you.

[2sunny]

But you seem to want the abuse and manipulation. Nobody can help you.

 

 

 

Sure - very predictable behavior for the victim role she plays so perfectly.

 

He's amping up his game - now he intends to make it appear he's rescued you too; by having you quit that poor demanding, emotionally drawing job.

 

Notice you've allowed him to present it as HIS idea? Why aren't you capable of THINKING FOR YOURSELF?

 

Why are you ALLOWING him to place you in THAT position?

 

 

You want something new? Dream it up and DO IT! You don't need his permission!

[samsungxoxo]

I think I'm out. If OP is ok with quitting her job, continue playing the role of the submissive abused woman, suddenly changed to a traditional housewife that has to solely depend on a man (this isn't 1950's no more) and set a terrible example for her kids esp the daughter then there is nothing much we can do to make her snap out of it. She is pretty much in a deep, forever trance.

 

I think we've all been taken for a long, forever ride here. The OP is never going to leave her husband and what she is feeling is just resignation towards herself and life in general. If she was really determined and didn't feel nothing for her husband as she claimed on the previous posts then that divorced would already be filed and no ifs nor buts ''Oh I've changed'' would have changed her mind.

Edited October 16, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[TaraMaiden]

Sadly, I have to agree.

The world is full of abused women who will bend so far backwards to justify their choices, they end up with their heads in their own maximus prufundis....

 

Such is the case here.

 

"The Christmas you get, you deserve...."

 

(Greg Lake, 'I believe in father Christmas'.)

[jennaflorrie]

Hang on there!!! I think you are being all very unfair here.

 

I have not been given permission to stop working....H knows I am tired...and I am...and says he wants to look after me, for me to stop working nights....not stop working full stop, but just something less stressful and NO shifts. That's good surely? He isn't commanding anything! As if. He just wants me to ease up because I have spent years working my ass off!

He has suggested it, he knows its up to me, but he wants me to have some time off for me.

 

Checked the nanny cam...it worked!! My D and H were chatting happily away while I was out. He was very encouraging with her which was really nice to see!

 

I am not an abused woman any more. And I never will be.

 

I know what my H did and I hated him. I didn't believe him when he said he changed...I caught him blowing up....but he admitted it has been a process for him, a few slip ups yes...but generally a huge effort to be a different man. I am just trying to be fair here.

 

OK. I wont be posting here for a while. I don't want to bore you all. I just want to say Thanks for all your encouragement, for your advice. I want to encourage any abused woman to leave and not hang around as long as I did. I also want to say that people CAN change, I do believe that. If they cant...then there is no hope for the addicts, alcoholics, abusers in society. None. But just sometimes they can change.

 

It appears that my H has changed, everyone has said the same thing to me....and I can see with my own eyes the difference in him, he is growing as a person daily and I feel hopeful now.....for the first time in a long time.

 

Let me just assure you this....I will never, ever be that abused woman. I will never just stay and put up with being abused. Ever. I will always stand by my children and encourage them. I have my regrets and remorse but I do NOT have my head up my ass. I face the whole thing and because of all the past I have been wary.

 

Bye to you all. I wish you all well, again thank you. I will post here in a years time and tell you the update for good or bad....but I really believe that it will be good.