Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[2sunny]

Yes that's a good idea....I will keep a record. Day to day.

 

H today has been a star. He has been cuddling me, telling me how much he loves me and that he was such an idiot in the past and has a new appreciation for me.

 

He has said that I am tired and he wants us to do the house up and for me to give up work completely and work IF I want to, but just to rest for a while. He said he wants to look after me and do all he can to make me happy.

 

Well, that was awesome.

 

I put nannycam on. For when I went out briefly. Will check it later.

 

So here you state HE wants you to quit work completely...and only work IF you want to.

 

Hang on there!!! I think you are being all very unfair here.

 

I have not been given permission to stop working....H knows I am tired...and I am...and says he wants to look after me, for me to stop working nights....not stop working full stop, but just something less stressful and NO shifts. That's good surely? He isn't commanding anything! As if. He just wants me to ease up because I have spent years working my ass off!

He has suggested it, he knows its up to me, but he wants me to have some time off for me.

 

Checked the nanny cam...it worked!! My D and H were chatting happily away while I was out. He was very encouraging with her which was really nice to see!

 

I am not an abused woman any more. And I never will be.

 

I know what my H did and I hated him. I didn't believe him when he said he changed...I caught him blowing up....but he admitted it has been a process for him, a few slip ups yes...but generally a huge effort to be a different man. I am just trying to be fair here.

 

OK. I wont be posting here for a while. I don't want to bore you all. I just want to say Thanks for all your encouragement, for your advice. I want to encourage any abused woman to leave and not hang around as long as I did. I also want to say that people CAN change, I do believe that. If they cant...then there is no hope for the addicts, alcoholics, abusers in society. None. But just sometimes they can change.

 

It appears that my H has changed, everyone has said the same thing to me....and I can see with my own eyes the difference in him, he is growing as a person daily and I feel hopeful now.....for the first time in a long time.

 

Let me just assure you this....I will never, ever be that abused woman. I will never just stay and put up with being abused. Ever. I will always stand by my children and encourage them. I have my regrets and remorse but I do NOT have my head up my ass. I face the whole thing and because of all the past I have been wary.

 

Bye to you all. I wish you all well, again thank you. I will post here in a years time and tell you the update for good or bad....but I really believe that it will be good.

 

And here you state differently.

 

 

It's hard to understand what to believe. Either way - it still looks out of balance when you have handed him too much of YOUR power and have admittedly been negatively affected by what he does or doesn't do.

[TaraMaiden]

Hang on there!!! I think you are being all very unfair here.

 

I have not been given permission to stop working....H knows I am tired...and I am...and says he wants to look after me, for me to stop working nights....not stop working full stop, but just something less stressful and NO shifts. That's good surely? He isn't commanding anything! As if. He just wants me to ease up because I have spent years working my ass off!

He has suggested it, he knows its up to me, but he wants me to have some time off for me.

 

Checked the nanny cam...it worked!! My D and H were chatting happily away while I was out. He was very encouraging with her which was really nice to see!

 

I am not an abused woman any more. And I never will be.

 

I know what my H did and I hated him. I didn't believe him when he said he changed...I caught him blowing up....but he admitted it has been a process for him, a few slip ups yes...but generally a huge effort to be a different man. I am just trying to be fair here.

 

OK. I wont be posting here for a while. I don't want to bore you all. I just want to say Thanks for all your encouragement, for your advice. I want to encourage any abused woman to leave and not hang around as long as I did. I also want to say that people CAN change, I do believe that. If they cant...then there is no hope for the addicts, alcoholics, abusers in society. None. But just sometimes they can change.

 

It appears that my H has changed, everyone has said the same thing to me....and I can see with my own eyes the difference in him, he is growing as a person daily and I feel hopeful now.....for the first time in a long time.

 

Let me just assure you this....I will never, ever be that abused woman. I will never just stay and put up with being abused. Ever. I will always stand by my children and encourage them. I have my regrets and remorse but I do NOT have my head up my ass. I face the whole thing and because of all the past I have been wary.

 

Bye to you all. I wish you all well, again thank you. I will post here in a years time and tell you the update for good or bad....but I really believe that it will be good.

 

Are you still in love with him?

 

Do you yearn to make love to him?

 

Would you willingly have sex with him now, if he made moves that way?

 

If the answer to ANY of the above is 'no', then you're on the wrong track, and you are staying for the wrong motives.

Once again, you judge the situation by how others are engaging.

This isn't about your daughter's relationship with him, or your son's.

 

It's about you.

[jennaflorrie]

Are you still in love with him?

 

Do you yearn to make love to him?

 

Would you willingly have sex with him now, if he made moves that way?

 

If the answer to ANY of the above is 'no', then you're on the wrong track, and you are staying for the wrong motives.

Once again, you judge the situation by how others are engaging.

This isn't about your daughter's relationship with him, or your son's.

 

It's about you.

 

 

No I am not IN love with him, I am IN love with that other man...but he is too young for me and a divorcee with two children and a stroppy ex wife...and the grass always looks greener on the other side.

 

Do I yearn to make love to my husband? NO....he cannot anyway...due to his diabetes....I have not had sex with anyone for 3 years.

 

Do I feel secure with my H? Yes. Do I trust my H? I am starting to. Will I kick his Ass out the door if he abuses anyone again? HELL YES.

 

Do I fancy the other man and want to rip his clothes off....? YES YES YES!!!! But that is lust and fantasy. A crush. It all started because my H was an abusive Bastard.....my H has had more chances than he deserves. He KNOWS that.

 

I think I will be wary for a while....maybe use the nannycams for a while. H seems genuinely remorseful...owning his own vile behaviour as vile. But he wants to atone for his sins.....he wants to be a good husband to me and good father to his children...he has bloody woken up at last!

 

I have every justification in walking away. MOST women would have. Some will call me looney...others a saint....I don't know what the future will hold, but I am praying that H will continue to grow now as a good man. And let me tell you this now,.....I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER go back to living that crap life I used to. Wish I could give you all a hug, because you have been so kind and patient with me. xxx

[TaraMaiden]

You won't be able to tell for at least 3 weeks whether this is working or not.

He needs you to become complacent and less vigilant. he needs this topic to go off the boil, and for other matters to arise and take precedence....and then he may well tone down his efforts, when he realises he has his foot firmly wedged in the door once more.

 

The question is not whether he has truly changed.

 

The question is: Will he sustain it?

 

And you won't need nanny-cams to tell you that.

[2sunny]

I'd say you need to watch those cameras every day for 6-8 months to see what is happening.

 

Most abusers go through their "cycles of abuse" good some days to make up for the few bad days that come around.

 

Your D has learned how to manage herself with him - I'm sure she's learned skills that keep the peace so things don't set him off as often.

 

Remember, you're only going to see what's in front of your camera...

[jennaflorrie]

I am watching. I wont let him know and let him put his guard down. I need to have peace about this. And trust.

[2sunny]

So you plan to "watch him" for years - making sure he doesn't act out?

 

That is not trust. Without trust - there is no foundation for your M.

 

I can't help but feel sad and sorry for what you've allowed yourself to be reduced to - it's sickening, really...

 

You don't trust him - you don't love him. Your kids are being shown a negative example for what married looks like.

 

 

And you pine away for a man who may never be...

 

Nothing healthy is happening in your house - I can't even refer to "it" as a home - it's a space that is taken up by negative impacts.

 

 

Have you been to a counselor for serious help?

[jennaflorrie]

BAD NEWS.

 

Nanny cam was put on when I went to Gym with my son.

 

H left with D at home.

When I listened in earlier.....not good. D took dog for a walk. H out in garden, he came in....D back from walk...he was ranting at her. Calling her a liar, saying she hadn't been that far with the dog and to go again. He said "You are a proven Liar", he followed her up to her room (the nanny cam was set up in Living room but could still hear what was going on upstairs) he told her she was bone idle, useless, lazy. She said "So you are blaming me for lal your problmes.?" He said "I haven't got any problem s, you are the only problem I have".

 

They came downstairs after more telling her how lazy she was.....she ws washing up in the kitchen. He was running down my dad - her grandfather - down, he was a thief, he was uselss, mum was just not going to belive it.....when D said something he shouted "I don't care, I don't want to hear it...shut up moaning"!

 

She took dog out for another walk. He ordered her when she came back in to hoover her room and he just seemed to snarl at her. No hugs for her...no nice voice. He was venting.

 

I just went out again to the shops and reset the nannycam. This time, everyone was eating tea. Not long before trouble hit off. I have ust listened in and heard H saying to D "You are a nasty person" and telling her to stop being nasty. Laughing along with S at his own D. Telling his S in front of D that She was a liar.

 

I am bloody angry. H is in the kitchen, back to nice. But the nanny cam does not lie.

[jennaflorrie]

Typo errors because I am angry, shaking and H in kitchen.

 

He is going to work tomorrow. I will pack his bags tomorrow and I am up to his mum and dads tomorrow to tell him.

 

I always said I would base my final decision on the nany cams. He has so far just today called her a LIAR LAZY USELESS BONE IDLE NASTY. HOPELESS.....No more. Game over. Really. I mean it.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, that didn't take long.

And tragically, we have been proven right.

 

But I get no joy from saying that. I guess if you needed proof, you got it.

 

Please - this time - no tears, no giving in, no succumbing to his entreaties.

 

You need to be strong, jenna and keep the film.

 

because if ever you feel yourself weakening, you can watch it and have your actions confirmed.

[2sunny]

So you don't believe your D without the evidence. Hmmm.

 

Why wait another minute to take action? He can abuse her until he leaves... Make him leave NOW!

[jennaflorrie]

I would gladly chuck him out now. but it would cause more stress for my D and S too.

 

H is going tow work anyway, early hours of the morning at 0430. And I can go over to where he stays with his parents and tell him tomorrow.

 

He will get hyper emotional and I just want to deal with that without D and S around.

 

H seemed like a changed man. I wanted the nanny cams to be sure.

 

Now I know what a conniving, crafty bastard he is. Damn good actor too. Actually he is evil. To abuse his own daughter.

 

He also said she was retarded on camera.....he is evil.

[jennaflorrie]

Well, that didn't take long.

And tragically, we have been proven right.

 

But I get no joy from saying that. I guess if you needed proof, you got it.

 

Please - this time - no tears, no giving in, no succumbing to his entreaties.

 

You need to be strong, jenna and keep the film.

 

because if ever you feel yourself weakening, you can watch it and have your actions confirmed.

 

I always said I would base my decision on what I found. I found it. Its over. No giving in. No.

[2sunny]

You need to protect your daughter NOW - not tomorrow!

 

If needed - have a friend bring her to your work! Or have her go stay with your family for a day! She needs to understand that you are capable of protecting her!

 

Get busy! If you need to leave work - then do it! He should leave ASAP! Tomorrow isn't good enough when abusive behavior is involved.

 

Your daughter SHOULD witness you protecting her!

[jennaflorrie]

Don't. Worry....I'm. Here. With. Her. At. Home. Not. Working. H. Is. Going to. Work next. 3. Days. I will. Tell. Him. It'd. Over. While he. Is. At. His. Parents.

[shortee]

I would gladly chuck him out now. but it would cause more stress for my D and S too.

 

H is going tow work anyway, early hours of the morning at 0430. And I can go over to where he stays with his parents and tell him tomorrow.

 

He will get hyper emotional and I just want to deal with that without D and S around.

 

H seemed like a changed man. I wanted the nanny cams to be sure.

 

Now I know what a conniving, crafty bastard he is. Damn good actor too. Actually he is evil. To abuse his own daughter.

 

He also said she was retarded on camera.....he is evil.

 

 

You already knew he was abusive and you made excuses to keep him there. Are you going to make more excuses or are you going to let him abuse your daughter some more? Kick him out in front of her. Ask your son why he allows your husband to verbally abuse your daughter and never say anything to you?

[2sunny]

Worrying about his reaction should be the last thing on your mind!

 

Have you scheduled professional help for you and your daughter? And your son needs help too - to unlearn what he thinks is ok when he's clearly abusive as well.

[shortee]

Exactly, your son wanted you to stay married. Why? He clearly has learned that it's ok for his father to treat his daughter that way. Do you want your son to think that's ok? You need to explain to him it's wrong and get him into therapy now or else your son will turn out like his father.

[samsungxoxo]

I hope jennaflorrie is absolutely serious this time. Now that you got the additional evidence of his continued abusive personality, start filing for divorce immediately. Get rid of that loser. That ''man'' destroyed your life and is now destroying your kids' life. Do you want them to grow up thinking it's ok for a man to abuse a woman physically, verbally and emotionally???

 

OP if you're not serious, I'm out.

Edited October 22, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[2sunny]

I can't imagine you laying down next to him tonight knowing he's been HORRIBLE to your kids! He's abused one and set poor examples for the other!

 

How could you possibly keep him in the home one more second than necessary?

 

I would have a difficult time not tearing him to shreds if a man like that was near me and had harmed/ruined my kids! I might kill him!

[Raena]

I felt something DIE in me Nov 2011.

 

Then let it go. I don't care how much you think he has changed. If he is still mouthing nasty stuff to your daughter then he hasn't changed a bit. Get rid of him!

[2sunny]

And since your son has been trained to be evil to your daughter - he needs to exit the home too, right along with his Dad!

 

Keeping him in the house with your daughter will only allow your son to be equally as abusive (or even more so) when your H is moved and the kids are left alone while you work.

 

It's high time YOU start PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER!

 

If you need to - request a restraining order in the divorce papers! And get the papers filed immediately! That way he knows you're serious about keeping him away from the women in your family.

 

To think that your Dad defended him and how much he changed - and all the while he was talking trash about your Dad to the kids... That's just cruel!

[jennaflorrie]

Oh don't worry....I am deadly serious. As you know I was always a bit unsure. I just decided I would base my final decision on the nanny cams. And I stand by that......there is no way I will take him back now. I don't care if he cries and begs and cajoles and pleads on bended knee. No. How could he treat his own D llike he has? Crafty, evil devil....when My back is turned.

 

In ONE DAY....he called her lazy, idle, useless, hopeless, liar, bone idle, a very nasty girl, horrible to be around. He told her to put a sock in it when she stuck up for herself....and I AM VERY PROUD OF MY D....she stuck up for herself and she TRIED TO DEFEND HERSELF. Very proud of her indeed. She is strong and she will recover because that Bastard will not be allowed near her.

 

I cried last time I took his bags to his mums, because I was insecure and h such a damn good actor.....but I have seen the nanny cams and I KNOW I will not relent next time. I will start smoking, I will take drugs, I will cry day and night, I will self harm or sell my self for sex BEFORE I take him back.

 

I cant take the bags today, because my Son has football matches and D is off swimming and I am still packing his stuff...but tomorrow....I will be waiting for him when he finishes work at 7.30 I will be at his house with his bags. I swear before God. I will remove the bastard from my life.

[2sunny]

Tomorrow never comes!

 

Do it TODAY!

 

Certain things take PRECEDENCE over kids sports - and THIS IS one of them!

[samsungxoxo]

Tomorrow never comes!

 

Do it TODAY!

Yes OP not next week, not within a couple days, not tomorrow.... NOW