Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[trippi1432]

BTW - Jenna, I've been waiting to see either of these two things happen with my tormentor and abuser for 18 years....

 

He has about as much a chance of that as God shooting a rainbow up his arse and Skittles shooting out of his mouth.

 

Being a better man starts with him admitting his behavior, truly being humble, truly putting others ahead of himself and being a real father instead of an ominous, manipulative presence in their lives.

 

Don't hold your breath......head up, move forward, love yourself and your children and demand respect for yourself so you will be respected.

[jennaflorrie]

Still too considerate.

 

Here it is again, as, in my opinion, this is how I think you should speak with him....

 

 

 

Much more succinct, no-nonsense and to-the-point.

 

 

 

 

Can you believe last time you tried this you were panicking and crying a day later??

No, neither can I....

 

hahahaha..... Maybe I will give him your version after all.

 

I may have a buyer for this house already!! so that is really good. But no matter what...aim to be in rented house in our old home town by beginning next month!

[beach]

Best way to stop the abuse = don't ALLOW him to communicate!

 

Seriously, cut him OUT of your life/your daughters life too!

[jennaflorrie]

He is coming over tonight...in an hours time or so...to take son to football practice. D does not want to see her dad, so I am taking her out. Dreading seeing him and facing all that emotion....again.

 

He last sent me a text to say we were constantly in his prayers

 

I have a funny feeling he has told his parents about my feelings for this other guy...because I did tell H that I had feelings for another man - when we broke up last year - funny feeling he willhave told his parents to cover his own ass.

 

Ah well, just need to keep strong. Didnt sleep last night, felt too anxious, thinking about all the things I have to do.

 

I know H hasnt finished his game.

[2sunny]

You continue ALLOWING him back in!

 

You can and should be saying NO to every little bit of communication.

 

Your daughter has the right idea - you just open the door again - and THAT gives your H the idea that he can participate in your life again.

 

Block him on the phones! If you intend to get him out of your life - then START sending HIM a STRONG MESSAGE that he's NOT ALLOWED to keep stepping back into communication with you and your daughter!

 

Get a FIRM boundary and stick to it! He shouldn't be allowed to send texts and call!

 

If his son wants to see him - your son can go live with him.

 

 

When you've been abused - the best way to begin to heal is to ELIMINATE that person from your life as best you CAN.

 

He's going to TRY - it's up to YOU to tell him AND show him - that you want nothing to do with him any longer!

[turnera]

Do not let him in your house. Your son can go outside to see him.

[2sunny]

Pack up ALL his stuff - pictures, momentos and every little thing that reminds you of him - then make sure he gets all of it!

 

That act sends a clear message that he is eliminated from your life and surroundings.

 

Pay a kid to drive it all over to him, if need be.

 

You AND your daughter need new phone numbers!

[TaraMaiden]

jenna, look at the title of this thread.

 

The longer you allow exchanges to continue, the more you can continue to increase the digits.....

 

You've done the right thing. You've terminated this relationship.

 

BUT:

 

You STILL refer to him as your H.

he isn't, and hasn't been for a long time.

 

he's your EX-H.

Start getting used to that term.

 

Secondly, whilst in all legality, you cannot prevent him from contacting your kids - and neither can you prevent them from contacting him - You can - and really, definitely SHOULD:-

 

a) cease all unnecessary and emotionally-based contact with him, of any kind, whatsoever and

b) block him from being able to contact you at all!

 

Any contact between you should be initiated by you, but more importantly, you should only resort to contacting him if it's absolutely, practically and non-emotionally essential!

 

What do I mean by this?

 

I mean that you must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he are extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him, to interfere with what you must Practically do.

 

Tell your daughter you are either changing your number, or blocking him and telling him you're changing number/phone/provider!!

 

Most 'phones now have an option of either revealing or withholding your number when you dial someone.

Choose the latter option!!

 

If he wants to make arrangements to see his son - that's between him and his son! You don't NEED to be involved, other than to know venue, times and dates. Things your son should be sharing with you anyway.....

 

Come on jenna - if you're going to do this - do it right!

 

learn to put you first and above all!

 

Yes, even your children - because if you don't look to yourself, you're no good for them!

 

You have to put your roots down firmly, before you can give them stability and shelter!!

[jennaflorrie]

He was in the house when I went to pick up Daughter. Eating mcdonalds with Son. Watching football together. He was quiet and humble. Couldnt even look me in the eye really. D chatted away to him. She hadnt really wanted to speak to him, but we went in to the house (which is still legally his also) and then he hugged her and said how good it was to see her. I just stood looking at them. Daughter said "OK dad...." patting his back like he was a sad pet.

 

I went upstairs to lie down. 5 minutes later Son came up and went on his x box - which was odd as he hadnt seen his dad for a week, instead of staying downstairs with him he came upstairs and went on his x box chatting to his friends!!!

 

D chatted away to him. She was like a manic budgie.....she laughed....seemed bright....then H went home. He said bye to S and D. Nothing to me.

 

I could not sleep. Took some health tablets containing valerium, but they did not touch me. At 1.30 am...a light came into the room.....like a car turning onto our drive...my first thought it was Ex H....I jumped up.....went to the window and nothing. Nothing was there! Weird!

 

I lay on the bed then and cried....missing that X of mine....in a way......missing his arms around me, hugging me....snuggling into me. I started questioning how was I going to do this. H DID love us.....what was the light? Was it H spirit visitng us.....? Had he died? Then "What if he is dead"? MY fault!! Son will blame me! D will feel guilt! Then...."Oh, he DID love us, he just coudnt cope with stress.....he couuldnt live without us"

 

I imagined going to his funeral....feeling guilt that he had crashed his car on the way home....the sorrow...feeling I hadnt even talked to him hardly, the night before. His parents faces,.....their sorrow,..my guilt...OH HE LOVED ME....He had changed and couldnt live without me and his children.....!!!!

 

But he text me this morning....so he is alive.

 

 

He said in his text how he went to church on Sunday with his dad. How he wants to be a better father...no matter what happens. That he does love D and he realises that he should have put his arm around her and encouraged her. That he was a Control Freak.....how sorry he was.

 

He said he could see that D was brighter - happier. That he could see in the clear light of day that I had made the RIGHT decision.

 

TM you are right....emotions should not come into it. But they do. I feel sadness that it all had to come to this. I miss certain aspects of my H but unforutnatey you cant have one without the other. He is who he is.

 

I have been so tired. Working, supporting the kids, emotionally. Holding the fort. So tiredness is clouding my judgment and making me battle weary.

 

I have the stress of all this and also a house move coming up. I feel almost too tired to be bothered with any of that, but it must be done. I am viewing houses tomorrow.

 

Weary....weary.......

[TaraMaiden]

I didn't say emotions shouldn't come into it.

I said you shouldn't allow emotion to cloud practical issues.

 

I missed my ex like a case of leprosy.

 

Fer chrissakes, really! Cuddling and snuggling??

get a dog!

 

Reply to his text.

 

"Oh, I imagined you were dead. No funeral then?"

 

(As you can tell, I have zero sympathy for the man. Time you cultivated similar indifference. )

[jennaflorrie]

Thanks TM Been weeping off and on today....logically - I think its because I am really, really tired. Not sleeping...mind buzzing....what with the split...keeping kids steady....working......selling the house.....finding a house to buy.....

 

I have set my sails now and I must go on...ok...waters are stormy right now...but I just keep on Sailing.

 

H seems totally repentant, humble, owning everything as being his fault. Said he cant look me in the eye because of the guilt and shame.

 

Son seems fine...happy to be going home. Daughter seems fine too.

 

I need a really, really good sleep....but I am working tonight....and will be ferrying kids around tomorrow.

 

Looking at houses on Friday. Hoping I can just get this done fast. Sell the house...move in to new house. Get settled.

[2sunny]

You need a counselor NOW!!!

 

Not later -NOW! TODAY!!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

EX-H seems totally repentant, humble, owning everything as being his fault. Said he cant look me in the eye because of the guilt and shame.....

 

Yes.

We all know how deceptive appearances can be. He 'seems'.....

 

BtW, fixed (the bold bit) for you.

 

 

 

Chin up hun.

Don't look at how far you still have to go, but rejoice in just how far you've come.

[jennaflorrie]

You need a counselor NOW!!!

 

Not later -NOW! TODAY!!!!!

 

 

Yes you are right. I will try and find one tomorrow. Working tonight. Sleep tomorrow - houses Friday....but I will look up now and see if I can locate one. Maybe Relate??

 

My sister said I should think carefully about what I am doing. Then she said it was the house that stressed H out. That he needed a quiet wife who kept the house tidy and sat on the settee with him. (and was happy to be told to F....off every day...lol)

 

I am going to F....off back to my home town soon. Cant wait to see the back on my family members...with their eyes and their non existent help.

Back to the big town. Anonymity and my friends....lots of divorced and wicked people. Like myself really.

 

I need a counseller and a big fat cigarette and a big pint of cider and a good film. I need a sleep. I need to be somewhere where I can settle, think.

 

Part of me wants to ring him up and say "come back...come back......" just for the routine of life to be normalised in its own abnormal way again.

 

Then I think it is my hormones....the menopause is turning me into a crazy woman.....turfing out a husband who at least WAS around and paid the mortgage and wasnt unfaithful. He was trying to change - why did he have to take it out on Daughter? According to my sister...he finds D frustrating and the house frustrating and the lack of progress frustrating and I am not a quiet little woman....I like going out. She says we are total opposites. But then she says I need to think carefully about what I am doing.

 

Bloody confusing me even more......bollo2ks:sick:

[TaraMaiden]

jenna, First of all, see if you can find a book, titled "Natural alternatives to HRT" by Marilyn Glenville. It's very good. (In fact, I believe she then published "The NEW natural alternatives to HRT" having studied and researched the issue in greater and deeper detail!)

 

Secondly, cry off work for this evening. Speak to someone you can trust there, in confidence, and ask them to cut you just one day's slack.....

 

You need the rest.

Edited November 6, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[beach]

What happening over in your world Jenna?

[jennaflorrie]

What happening over in your world Jenna?

 

 

doing ok.

 

H came over to visit S and D on Sunday. He was humble, upset to be apart but not in any way expecting to stay with us. Acknowledging that what he has done is the cause of his separation from the family he loves

 

His mum told me that he hasnt slept for days and was feeling unwell one day....this was when I went to their house to collect D who had visited. She was kind to me, hugged me. But she told me how she knew it was because my H has been nasty to his daughter. She sort of made excuses for him, then said there was no excuse...but that he had hardly slept for days. How distraught he was to be away from his family. How he went to church with HIS dad on Sunday and really got help from prayer.

 

There are times when pain comes over me and I miss the good parts of being in a relationship. Divorce and Separation and the death of a spouse are surely some of the most painful things in life. More painful than I ever realised.

 

But my D is hopefully getting stronger...there are less arguments in the house.

 

Tired. goodnight.

[jennaflorrie]

jenna, First of all, see if you can find a book, titled "Natural alternatives to HRT" by Marilyn Glenville. It's very good. (In fact, I believe she then published "The NEW natural alternatives to HRT" having studied and researched the issue in greater and deeper detail!)

 

Secondly, cry off work for this evening. Speak to someone you can trust there, in confidence, and ask them to cut you just one day's slack.....

 

You need the rest.

 

Had to go to work - no one to replace me...they needed me there and I also needed the money. Found it therapeutic really....just thinking about something else. Work has always been a help like that.

 

I will try and get hold of that book TM thannks.

[turnera]

You said you were going to make an IC appointment. Have you?

[beach]

And have you filed for divorce yet?

 

 

Your H is getting the idea that he's going to be allowed back in - because of what you are allowing. Stop ALLOWING it.

 

 

 

And please answer these questions.

[jennaflorrie]

And have you filed for divorce yet?

 

 

Your H is getting the idea that he's going to be allowed back in - because of what you are allowing. Stop ALLOWING it.

 

 

 

And please answer these questions.

 

Yes. I. Have. Appointment. For. Counselor. Haven't. Filed for. Divorce. yet.

[Acacia98]

My sister said I should think carefully about what I am doing. Then she said it was the house that stressed H out. That he needed a quiet wife who kept the house tidy and sat on the settee with him. (and was happy to be told to F....off every day...lol)

 

According to my sister...he finds D frustrating and the house frustrating and the lack of progress frustrating and I am not a quiet little woman....I like going out. She says we are total opposites. But then she says I need to think carefully about what I am doing.

 

You need to stop listening to your sister. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I actually know somebody who went through something similar to you, and her sister was just as clueless and patronizing as yours sounds. She even used to quote scripture: "The Wife of Noble Character" (Proverbs 31). She was implying that my friend's husband was abusive towards her because she was not the perfect Christian wife. Needless to say, that was BS. He was abusive because he was abusive, period. The buck stopped with him. As for my friend's sister, her husband ultimately became abusive towards her as their marriage progressed. And all her attempts to be the perfect Christian wife didn't help a single bit. That was when she finally realized how much of an ass she'd been to her sister in her time of need.

 

I think going back home to the town where your genuine friends are is a wonderful idea. I sincerely wish you all the best and will be keeping you in my prayers.

[jennaflorrie]

You need to stop listening to your sister. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I actually know somebody who went through something similar to you, and her sister was just as clueless and patronizing as yours sounds. She even used to quote scripture: "The Wife of Noble Character" (Proverbs 31). She was implying that my friend's husband was abusive towards her because she was not the perfect Christian wife. Needless to say, that was BS. He was abusive because he was abusive, period. The buck stopped with him. As for my friend's sister, her husband ultimately became abusive towards her as their marriage progressed. And all her attempts to be the perfect Christian wife didn't help a single bit. That was when she finally realized how much of an ass she'd been to her sister in her time of need.

 

I think going back home to the town where your genuine friends are is a wonderful idea. I sincerely wish you all the best and will be keeping you in my prayers.

 

 

 

Thanks!

 

 

My H has been repentant...says he HAS changed, he KNOWS he has...that he has been an idiot with his d and he doesn't know WHY because he DOES love her.

 

 

I told him he HAD emotionally abused her and any relationship with her would take a long time to come about....so much hurt to repair. He said "I will speak with her" I told him not to put pressure on her...and he says he will not....and true to his word he ahs stayed away although he finds it upsetting and loves his family.

 

 

I said your kids are not kids any more. They are all grown up. Its come and gone...but before he dies he has at least a chance to apologise and LIVE like he does LOVE his D and somehow gain her forgiveness and trust.

 

 

D still calls him by his first name. When I asked what her dad had said she said "Load of nonsense...I don't want to talk about it".

 

 

D has been severely affected...staying in her room a lot...my aim is to get her counselling too...but she is not keen on talking to someone about it all. I said that she should try it at least....still trying to talk her into counselling.

 

 

Son seems fine without his dad around...he has seen him over weekend, when he went to football with him. I have been civil to H for S sake....

 

 

H just keeps his distance...all the while insisting how he has changed and how much he loves us all.

 

 

He says he is going to church, praying and he has found strength from doing so. During the darkest period of his life. He said he actually looked a internet site on how to kill oneself painlessly. But then he saw about a Daughter on THAT site...complaining how her father never bothered with her...and he realised that his Daughter needed him so much.

[beach]

He considered the cowards way out - killing himself!

 

And no man of faith would have considered that. Shows how little he's changed.

 

Stop listening to his BS - he is still full of it.

 

What did the counselor suggest for you to do?

 

Have you filed divorce papers yet?

[turnera]

meh

 

Just more manipulation.

 

If he REALLY loved you guys and cared about you, he would already be in therapy and would be attending every week.