Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[samsungxoxo]

He considered the cowards way out - killing himself!

 

And no man of faith would have considered that. Shows how little he's changed.

 

Stop listening to his BS - he is still full of it.

 

What did the counselor suggest for you to do?

 

Have you filed divorce papers yet?

I'm starting to think we've all been taken for a ride again. As long as the divorce papers aren't file, she still refers to him as her husband and he's not definitely out of the house, I don't see any differences. The OP really needs deep, intense therapy

 

I think I'm out this time.

Edited November 20, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[jennaflorrie]

HOWxo;5352820]I'm starting to think we've all been taken for a ride again. As long as the divorce papers aren't file, she still refers to him as her husband and he's not definitely out of the house, I don't see any differences. The OP really needs deep, intense therapy

 

I think I'm out this time.

 

How. Dare you berate me!!!! I have left an abusive husband.....I am supporting my children and workung!! I feel. And. Look. Like. I've. Aged. 10 years. This may be entertaining for you. But. It's real life. Not a soap for me and my children! This has been a painful time and. I don't want to hear from bear. Baiters like yourself! Don't. Bother replying......you are rude and insensitive.

[jennaflorrie]

He considered the cowards way out - killing himself!

 

And no man of faith would have considered that. Shows how little he's changed.

 

Stop listening to his BS - he is still full of it.

 

What did the counselor suggest for you to do?

 

Have you filed divorce papers yet?

Y

Counselor thinks. I. Need to stay. Put in current. Home. She. Says. I have. Taken responsibikuty for. Everyone but ignored. Myself. She. Thinks. i need. time to. Discover me. She. Told me. Not to. File for. Divorce. Yet....just to. Be awsy. From him and. Resting.....finding. me.

[turnera]

Definitely need to stay away from him.

[beach]

I understand he's not "living in" the house.

 

Please explain what steps you are taking that eliminate the abuser from your life?

 

IF you aren't doing everything it takes to eliminate the abuser from abusing and manipulating you - you're just continuing to ALLOW situations that give hi the opportunity to control you.

[jennaflorrie]

I understand he's not "living in" the house.

 

Please explain what steps you are taking that eliminate the abuser from your life?

 

IF you aren't doing everything it takes to eliminate the abuser from abusing and manipulating you - you're just continuing to ALLOW situations that give hi the opportunity to control you.

 

 

 

 

 

Its really difficult, because he still owns this house, but he is staying with his parents and not kicking up about this. I have the house for sale, once it is sold I will live in a rented house. But right now, he does own half this house so it is difficult to prevent him from coming in here. Also our Son - although he seems OK and hasn't asked after his dad - would be extremely distressed if I started fighting with his dad and insisiting he couldn't come into the home. It would cause psychological distress for him.

 

 

Daughter does see her dad about once a week. I have told her she doesn't have to, but she said she doesn't want to be the "Bad one".

 

 

Basically, until this house is sold...I am keeping the boat in the water....by keeping husband relatively calm and by keeping son happy too.

 

 

True it would be great to just say "Bugger off and I never want to see you again." But we own the house together and we have children together.

 

 

My friend said that Husband was so so sorry that he had hurt his wife...but even though he knew it was wrong...he did the same things to his own Daughter when he knew he would not be seen. She says rather than a lack of control, he is actually planning.

 

 

Hopefully, this house will sell soon. Once I have my OWN place he has NO hope of going into it.

 

 

He could insisit on staying here if he wanted to be awkward. He is still putting the emotional pressure on....that is difficult for me....prob for Daughter too......he just says he is praying and going to church and he loves us all.....I told him his daughter was grown up when he complained he didn't see the kids so much now...I said "They are grown up - 19 and 16....they will leave home soon enough...the time has been and gone!"

 

 

I doubt he will ever be able to repair his relationship with his Daughter.

 

 

I just think "What kind of man could do what he did to not only his wife - who he supposedly loved so much...but his own Daughter"!? What kind of man. Indeed.

[Editbee]

I just think "What kind of man could do what he did to not only his wife - who he supposedly loved so much...but his own Daughter"!? What kind of man. Indeed.

Definitely not a man but a cowardly boy. Make sure you teach your daughter not to ever let a man get away with laying a hand on her in any way other than to hug and kiss her nor insult her.

[jennaflorrie]

Definitely not a man but a cowardly boy. Make sure you teach your daughter not to ever let a man get away with laying a hand on her in any way other than to hug and kiss her nor insult her.

 

A. Patient's. Husband. Died a. Week. Ago. She didn't get on with him in latter years and didn't go to his funeral. But tonight she told me she feels. Lost....a. part of her is gone. Sheffeels. Terrible!!! Made me think.....is marriage for life? Is a woman. Bound to her husband as long as he lives? Would. I. Feel. Utter loss if my. H. Died? Are our souls. Tied. Together? Can. I. Ever really be free of. H. ?

 

Today. H. Visited and. Took. D. To. Cinema. He. Looks. Sad. But. What can. I. Do? How. Could. I. Ever. Trust. Him again? But. The old. Lady who l lost. Her. Hubby. Of 59. Years. Made me. Think about what. Breaks. A. Marriage before. God.....or is it. Only. Broken. By. Death?

[turnera]

jenna, you should stay with your husband - IF - if he is honest, decent, loving, and never hurts you. He broke your marriage, not you. And I'm sure you gave him more than enough chances to get back on the right side. Remember that.

[beach]

I hope your move is going well.

 

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

 

 

A M is broken when the vows aren't kept. He broke those vows with a purpose EVERY time he was abusive.

 

Those who are abused - it's suggested to face the abuse - understand why YOU stayed with that abuse for this long - and do the hard work to get PAST the abuse and to the OTHER side.

 

Once you can look at it from THAT perspective - you won't be asking yourself these questions. You have work to do with the counselor. Are you going often?

[jennaflorrie]

I hope your move is going well.

 

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

 

 

A M is broken when the vows aren't kept. He broke those vows with a purpose EVERY time he was abusive.

 

Those who are abused - it's suggested to face the abuse - understand why YOU stayed with that abuse for this long - and do the hard work to get PAST the abuse and to the OTHER side.

 

Once you can look at it from THAT perspective - you won't be asking yourself these questions. You have work to do with the counselor. Are you going often?

 

 

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in UK. Happy Thanksgiving to all in USA though!

 

 

Only been to counsellor once so far. Been so busy with work.

 

 

My D has been in her room a lot. She spends most days up there. She doesn't work, but I encourage her to look. She just stays in her room, I take her out but its exhausting. She said she had a dream last night about a white ferret. She had looked up the dream and it meant trust issues.

 

 

D has spoken to her dad when he came by last week. She sat by him and they hugged and talked. But behind his back she was making faces at me. Like angry with me for having him even in the house.

 

 

I made appointment for D for Dr to refer to counsellor but she refused point blank to go. She said she doesn't want to talk to anyone and that's that.

 

 

H is coming over the weekend. He is still professing his love for us. His repentance. He is humble, very humble. He says he will stay away if that is what we want but he misses us all. That we are in his thought all the time. That he is praying and has learnt a lot of lessons these past few weeks. He should have appreciated what he had. He misses his D and knows that instead of pushing her he should have loved and encouraged her.

 

 

I had a nightmare last night....a demon in an attic of an old mansion. The only way to get rid of the demon was to burn the house down. So that's what happened...flames of fire burning down the mansion.

[beach]

I'm unsure why you aren't respecting your daughters wishes and keeping her safe and protected.

 

At this point - she may not trust you either - as you continue to invite the abuser back in - so he can attempt to cause her more harm.

 

 

I don't care how he feels! He shouldn't be there! He forfeited his right to spend ANY time with her when he treated her terribly!

 

And any time you ALLOW him around her - you are helping him to access HER healing.

 

 

He feels sad - so what? He should feel a whole host of things! But he should NOT be allowed around her!

 

Get to that counselor! EVERY week!

 

You need help with BOUNDARIES!

 

He ruined this (these relationships)! And the consequence to that is no more relationship! He should be learning that IT IS OVER!

 

You being soft and ALLOWING him to come around is only sending him a message that he can worm his way back in.

 

Your actions and words must match! Your daughter doesn't trust YOU to protect HER from the man that abused her! Stop being that gal!

[jennaflorrie]

I'm unsure why you aren't respecting your daughters wishes and keeping her safe and protected.

 

At this point - she may not trust you either - as you continue to invite the abuser back in - so he can attempt to cause her more harm.

 

 

I don't care how he feels! He shouldn't be there! He forfeited his right to spend ANY time with her when he treated her terribly!

 

And any time you ALLOW him around her - you are helping him to access HER healing.

 

 

He feels sad - so what? He should feel a whole host of things! But he should NOT be allowed around her!

 

Get to that counselor! EVERY week!

 

You need help with BOUNDARIES!

 

He ruined this (these relationships)! And the consequence to that is no more relationship! He should be learning that IT IS OVER!

 

You being soft and ALLOWING him to come around is only sending him a message that he can worm his way back in.

 

Your actions and words must match! Your daughter doesn't trust YOU to protect HER from the man that abused her! Stop being that gal!

 

He isn't abusing her...he can't do enough for her....he is totally. Repentant. He says he would rather die then ever hurt her. Again. He says he was trying to. Push. Her....motivate. her.....he admits he was wrong. He says. He has had. Plenty of time to. Think and he realises all the. Blessings. In. His. Life. He is still staying at his. Parents. D. Acts. Like. She. Likes him but she does. Not trust him.

[beach]

Re read this whole thread.

 

You keep inviting him to see your D knowing full well what he's capable of - and how easily he lies right to your face.

 

Since you don't see how sick it really is - knowing his predictable pattern - I'm concerned that you aren't dealing with his reality!

[Zahara]

He isn't abusing her...he can't do enough for her....he is totally. Repentant. He says he would rather die then ever hurt her. Again. He says he was trying to. Push. Her....motivate. her.....he admits he was wrong. He says. He has had. Plenty of time to. Think and he realises all the. Blessings. In. His. Life. He is still staying at his. Parents. D. Acts. Like. She. Likes him but she does. Not trust him.

 

I've been lurking on your thread. You remind me of my mother. She kept taking my father back everytime after he professed to want to change. I used to remember making ugly faces behind his back when she would be talking to him, just like your daughter. And when he'd declare his love and remorse to my sister and I, we would just be polite and listen. I resented her everytime she took him back. My sister and I felt pushed aside whenever he came around wooing her with the sad frown.

 

In the end, we lost all faith and trust in her to protect us and now, in our old age we still carry resentment for our father but mostly against her for enabling the abuse.

 

Your daughter is already tainted. I don't believe she likes him. I don't think you can even begin to like someone, especially a father after he's insulted and torn you down. Once that trust is broken, "like" isn't important. It means nothing. It'll never, ever be the same. I think she just puts on a face. It's her only way to cope with what she's being forced to go through.

 

I'm sad for you. I hope you move on from this for the sake of your daughter.

 

Good luck to you. Be strong.

[jennaflorrie]

I've been lurking on your thread. You remind me of my mother. She kept taking my father back everytime after he professed to want to change. I used to remember making ugly faces behind his back when she would be talking to him, just like your daughter. And when he'd declare his love and remorse to my sister and I, we would just be polite and listen. I resented her everytime she took him back. My sister and I felt pushed aside whenever he came around wooing her with the sad frown.

 

In the end, we lost all faith and trust in her to protect us and now, in our old age we still carry resentment for our father but mostly against her for enabling the abuse.

 

Your daughter is already tainted. I don't believe she likes him. I don't think you can even begin to like someone, especially a father after he's insulted and torn you down. Once that trust is broken, "like" isn't important. It means nothing. It'll never, ever be the same. I think she just puts on a face. It's her only way to cope with what she's being forced to pthrough.

 

I'm sad for you. I hope you move on from this for the sake of your daughter.

 

Good luck to you. Be strong.

 

Thank you. I intend to divorce him. I can't have him live with us!! He keeps talking about how. God has. Changed him. But he spun me those lines prior to the nanny. Cam. When. I told him it was over he Saud the devil had won that the devil wants to tear up. Famikues. It seems he know. Just what to say... He knows. God talk but not the walk! He has done too much damage.

[TaraMaiden]

But behind his back she was making faces at me. Like angry with me for having him even in the house.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Do not let him in the house.

Tell her that any contact between her and her father is entirely her choice, and if she doesn't want contact, then she doesn't have to have it, and should not feel obliged to see or speak to him.

 

Conversely, he's her father. her relationship with him, is between them. If she wants to see and speak to him, that's her choice.

 

But either way, do not make things easier FOR HIM.

 

Which is what you're doing.

 

Don't listen to him.

Frankly, you've heard it all before, and you know what? So have we.

Personally, I'm sick to death of his continuous references to God, and how he's a changed man. I'm bored with it, and I don't believe it.

 

Tell him that, next time:

 

"You sound like a stuck record, and frankly, I'm sick, tired and bored to death with your repetitive excuses. Now, please leave me alone, and just sign the goddamn papers when you get them. Which you will, soon."

[jennaflorrie]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Do not let him in the house.

Tell her that any contact between her and her father is entirely her choice, and if she doesn't want contact, then she doesn't have to have it, and should not feel obliged to see or speak to him.

 

Conversely, he's her father. her relationship with him, is between them. If she wants to see and speak to him, that's her choice.

 

But either way, do not make things easier FOR HIM.

 

Which is what you're doing.

 

Don't listen to him.

Frankly, you've heard it all before, and you know what? So have we.

Personally, I'm sick to death of his continuous references to God, and how he's a changed man. I'm bored with it, and I don't believe it.

 

Tell him that, next time:

 

"You sound like a stuck record, and frankly, I'm sick, tired and bored to death with your repetitive excuses. Now, please leave me alone, and just sign the goddamn papers when you get them. Which you will, soon."

 

 

Tara you're right. I. Have already told D she doesn't have to see him. She said she doesn't want to be the villain. I can't get over how he acted so nice to. D in front of me! Thank God for the nannycam! He has shown extreme deceit. I can never trust hi

Him again. Counselor said not to go for. Divorce yet.....I'll keep going to see. Counselor. D. Adamant. She won't speak to a counselo. Her. Choice.

[beach]

If she doesn't have to see him - why are you allowing him to visit?

 

Your actions aren't matching your words!

 

You keep inviting the predator into your lives - I know it's hard to break free from that victim role - you have a LOT of work to do to get there!

 

Work on your boundaries! Work on putting action into place to give your D the FIRM idea that YOU will protect her from here moving forward!

 

That includes keeping Dad away - even if it requires a restraining order!

[TaraMaiden]

Tara you're right. I. Have already told D she doesn't have to see him. She said she doesn't want to be the villain. I can't get over how he acted so nice to. D in front of me! Thank God for the nannycam! He has shown extreme deceit. I can never trust hi

Him again. Counselor said not to go for. Divorce yet.....I'll keep going to see. Counselor. D. Adamant. She won't speak to a counselo. Her. Choice.

 

Why would the counsellor say that?

 

Ignore this advice.

It's high time you did what is right for you.

 

File, and do it.

 

Jeesh, I don't get this counsellor's angle.....

The Counsellor isn't there to salvage, the counsellor is there to enable you to find your own strength for yourself.

You've already said you're going for the divorce, so I would go with your gut instinct and proceed....

[jennaflorrie]

Why would the counsellor say that?

 

Ignore this advice.

It's high time you did what is right for you.

 

File, and do it.

 

Jeesh, I don't get this counsellor's angle.....

The Counsellor isn't there to salvage, the counsellor is there to enable you to find your own strength for yourself.

You've already said you're going for the divorce, so I would go with your gut instinct and proceed....

 

 

 

The counsellor thinks that because of my personal beliefs and family situation, just staying separated and being without H is enough for now.

 

 

The X H came over today. He visited S and took him to football and spoke with D....he brought her a DVD she had wanted (she called it bribery to me) and he walked the dog. He looked annoyed with me. No weeping or sad eyes. He was seething. He was polite, quiet, calm....but underneath it all I could tell he was annoyed. Annoyed to be living with his parents. Annoyed that I have not caved in and begged him to come back. Annoyed that I have not put him first before my D ....he just looked angry. Quietly angry.

 

 

He comes here to visit and he comes here because he owns half the house. Once the house is sold I will have my own place.

 

 

H is probably thinking up some more little ideas to press me into accepting him back. He sees me as MUMMY. His CARER.

 

 

He is not texting me, or even trying to contact me. He has retreated.....but I don't hink he has given up yet.

[beach]

You see - he does these things because you KEEP ALLOWING it to happen.

 

When YOU STOP ALLOWING him to enter ANY part of your life - that's when you will be capable of moving forward!

 

At this point - it's not him - IT IS YOU that is making these things happen...all because you won't ENFORCE a SOLID, HEALTHY BOUNDARY for yourself AND your daughter.

 

 

You are so used to being the victim that you continue to invite the perpetrator back in for another look, see.

 

Your daughter KNOWS BEST!!! Why aren't YOU following HER HEALTHY LEAD!

 

And why are YOU leaving that healthy lead to HER?

 

It is a$$ backwards! Get a boundary!

[turnera]

Tara you're right. I. Have already told D she doesn't have to see him. She said she doesn't want to be the villain.

That right there tells you that she has already learned to be an abuse victim just like you. She puts herself through unhappiness (being with him) just because she doesn't feel she has the right to say no.

 

SHOW her how to say no by telling your husband he can't come over any more. Be the adult here. For her.

[turnera]

He comes here to visit and he comes here because he owns half the house. Once the house is sold I will have my own place.

If you would go to a lawyer and get a formal separation in place, he wouldn't be allowed to come in your home without your permission, no matter who owns it.

[jennaflorrie]

Yes, have thought about a formal separation. I will look into that.

 

 

H giving me the silent treatment anyway. He is still texting his D and S but he is chilling me out.

 

 

Now and again I still catch myself thinking "I have chucked away a man who LOVED me sooooo much, if only I had talked to him more, maybe he would have stopped his behaviour, because he LOVED ME!" Then I think...."No, he is lucky he had as many years and chances from me as he did. He abused me for all those years, despite many, many talks and warnings.....and then he was caught abusing his D"

 

 

And its not as if I didn't warn him about the way he was speaking to his D. I did! When he mouthed "I don't like you" at D last year....I warned him, talked to him.

 

 

Part of me sometimes feels sorry for him. Pity. And I don't know just why.

 

 

He is due to come over this week, to take S to football. He wants to watch film with D on the sette in the house. So I have to talk to H and say to back off. This will not go down well with him at all.

 

 

I want Christmas over with. I don't know where to have Christmas dinner? My sister suggested just cook lunch here. If H family want to com over for lunch let them. Its difficult because its CHRISTMAS and I want to make that a good time for D and S. and grandparetns will want to see them.