Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh don't worry....I am deadly serious. As you know I was always a bit unsure. I just decided I would base my final decision on the nanny cams. And I stand by that......there is no way I will take him back now. I don't care if he cries and begs and cajoles and pleads on bended knee. No. How could he treat his own D llike he has? Crafty, evil devil....when My back is turned.

 

In ONE DAY....he called her lazy, idle, useless, hopeless, liar, bone idle, a very nasty girl, horrible to be around. He told her to put a sock in it when she stuck up for herself....and I AM VERY PROUD OF MY D....she stuck up for herself and she TRIED TO DEFEND HERSELF. Very proud of her indeed. She is strong and she will recover because that Bastard will not be allowed near her.

 

I cried last time I took his bags to his mums, because I was insecure and h such a damn good actor.....but I have seen the nanny cams and I KNOW I will not relent next time. I will start smoking, I will take drugs, I will cry day and night, I will self harm or sell my self for sex BEFORE I take him back.

 

I cant take the bags today, because my Son has football matches and D is off swimming and I am still packing his stuff...but tomorrow....I will be waiting for him when he finishes work at 7.30 I will be at his house with his bags. I swear before God. I will remove the bastard from my life.

 

Throw his stuff into plastic trashbags, not suitcases... and somehow, you have to teach your son that siding with his father and ganging up on your daughter - HIS SISTER! - is completely, entirely, wholly unacceptable. You will NOT tolerate any form of insult, abuse and mistreatment of someone who means more than life itself to you, and who should mean as much to him.

 

Tell him: if he cannot modify his behaviour, and learn that such actions are beneath contempt, then he is no longer welcome in your home and he can get out and go live with his father.

His father - through his unreasonable behaviour - has shot his bolt and indicated very clearly what kind of a person he is.

If your son cannot see what a loser the man is, then he can go join him.

 

Harsh - but completely fair and justified.

Whatever happens after that, is neither your cause to salvage, nor matter to feel guilt over.

[2sunny]

What action have you taken TODAY?

 

Did you drop off your H things? Make an appt for you and your daughter for counseling?

 

Have you filled out your divorce papers yet? Seen an attorney yet?

[jennaflorrie]

TODAY is the day....... Excited and scared....I could end up losing my house, end up penniless......I Just don't know what the future will be without H, he has been with me for sooooo long, but I know what the future wont look like.

 

Son of 16 had a big strop last night. He had been playing his x box games live, chatting to friends....at midnight, said OK turn it off, time for bed. He told me to shut up, I was surprised as he has always been a loving boy.....I told him not to speak to me like that......he agreed to come off the game and I went down stairs and turned the internet modem off 5 minutes later. Because he hadn't completely finished he got angry...sulky....refused to go to bed. Went and sat out in the car. So I locked the front door and went to bed.

 

Just drifting off to sleep and the front door was knocked....let Son in and he sat on settee for a while refusing to go to bed.....saying I had turned off the modem on purpose...I said I hadn't and tried to talk sense to him...but decided to go to bed and let him sulk alone. He eventually went up to bed to sleep.

 

I just have nothing to lose by losing the loser in my life. Nothing.

 

Son can go live with his dad if he isn't happy, but this house will be a home from now on. The atmosphere will hopefully be a new, happy one.

 

I am still packing H things. He sent me two text yesterday....he rang me and I ignored the phone. I know him for what he is, the nanny cam does not lie. Its Goodbye. Forever. TODAY IS TH DAY!!!

[jennaflorrie]

What action have you taken TODAY?

 

Did you drop off your H things? Make an appt for you and your daughter for counseling?

 

Have you filled out your divorce papers yet? Seen an attorney yet?

 

2sunny......I am going straight for a divorce...for unreasonable behaviour....if he tries to contest I have diaries and evidence to support me.

 

TODAY is the dropping off day. And I will sort out the counsellor once I have leaped over this fence. Cheers x

[jennaflorrie]

OK Going soon. Bags in car. Feel sick. Really sick. Thoiught I just cant do this. So listened to recordings again to strengthen me.

 

In total from one short part of a days recording H used these words with his D...often in Raised voice or snarling.

 

 

Bone Idle

Unbelievable

No Shame or embarrassment (about being bone idle)

Nothing you say is truthful

Put sock in it

Pathetic (what she was saying to him)

You serve no purpose in this house

Useless

Make yourself valuable

No value

You cause trouble in the house

My only problem is you

Saying "Shut up" near camera but D couldn't hear

I don't believe you

You have a history of lies

I am not interested (in what she was trying to say to him)

Swear on your mums life (he was using her love for me to promise something)

What you want is not relevant

I am not interested

What are you talking about? (said sarcastically)

I know she lies (agreeing with S when he said D lied)

Stop it!

Stop being so nasty

You are a really nasty person

Vile stuff coming out of your mouth

(she was just standing up for herself)

You are horrible to be around

This is retarded (when she tried to say he ran all over her feelings)

The truth according to you! Said sarcastically

Pack in your infantile nonsense

You feel sorry for yourself

This is pointless

Bone idle

I don't want to hear your voice

 

 

Also heard him moaning about My dad in the kitchen.....called him a pain in the ass. Lets down Mum (me he is on about) all the time Just takes takes takes and never gives.....Takes advantage of mum. amongst other things.

 

OK that's for the record. To look at later when I come back from dropping his bags off and confronting him and telling him it is over.

[samsungxoxo]

OK that's for the record. To look at later when I come back from dropping his bags off and confronting him and telling him it is over.

Good. I'm guessing he's going to try to use convincing lines again (if he hasn't already) but you know better this time.

[2sunny]

It's amazing to me - and absolutely TRAGIC at this point (months ago even) that you hesitate at all!

 

God damn it - stop ALLOWING abuse in your life - your daughters life!

 

Stop volunteering to be the victim!!!

 

Grow some balls and get help! Otherwise you will go back!

 

Your daughter needs to learn to have a voice and speak her truth! Your husband is as evil as anyone can get! A restraining order is necessary!

 

If you don't take legal steps to protect yourself and your daughter - that's unforgivable!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm actually quite stunned that even after all that has happened, you needed to reinforce your feelings by going over the tapes again.

 

You seriously need therapy, and I don't mean that as an insult.

You have become so accustomed to this behaviour that however negative its consequences, you still have withdrawal symptoms....

You still feel sick at the thought of depriving yourself of his influence - even though it's a disastrous one.

 

You need to exit this cycle of what amounts to a form of self-abuse.

 

Please - seek help to discover ways to strengthen your own character, resolve, determination and personal esteem.

[jennaflorrie]

Well I did it. I took the bags up to him. He was very upset and I told him to save his tears. He said he didn't know how he would live without me. That I would never find anyone who would love me like he does that he idolises me.

 

I didn't tell him about the nanny cam.

 

This Morning I text him to tell him about the nannycam and that he was abusive. He denies being abusive, says he has gotten on better with his D but that he finds D and S frustrating when they start arguing.

 

I said there was no way a father should say to his D the things he has. He said them when I was out of the house.

 

I told him I could not trust him.

 

He says he is a work in progress and that I am expecting perfection.

 

I am so tired.

 

Told D last night...she seemed relieved....she said I was crafty and she laughed.

 

I also went to see my Dad and told him. At first he said that a marriage should be held together but when I told him what he had been saying, he said it was very bad and agreed I had to protect Daughter.

[jennaflorrie]

I'm actually quite stunned that even after all that has happened, you needed to reinforce your feelings by going over the tapes again.

 

You seriously need therapy, and I don't mean that as an insult.

You have become so accustomed to this behaviour that however negative its consequences, you still have withdrawal symptoms....

You still feel sick at the thought of depriving yourself of his influence - even though it's a disastrous one.

 

You need to exit this cycle of what amounts to a form of self-abuse.

 

Please - seek help to discover ways to strengthen your own character, resolve, determination and personal esteem.

 

 

Yes its self abuse. Never thought of it like that.

 

In the eye of the storm, cant sleep. Feel exhausted. H trying to justify his behaviour, sending texts saying he and D get on...and I should ask her..,.that it was just squabbles and of course he loved his D and S.

 

He said he was just nipping things in the bud when I was out of the house and D and S started squabbling, that D did lie and that he felt anxious when I was out of the house and when I was in thehouse he let me deal with it.

 

How can there be any justification for telling your daughter You are of no value? Beats me.

 

D is a bit worried I think, I have told her to stay strong that we must both stay strong. Aiming to sell this house. Getting it valued tomorrow.

[beach]

There's not one single reason to listen to what he wants to say.

 

File for divorce and get your daughter and yourself professional help!

 

 

Of course he is going to defend himself and make it looks innocent = he IS the abuser, remember?

 

Any interaction at this point should be kept to bare minimum words.

 

He asks you something - simply answer with either yes or no!

[TaraMaiden]

Yes its self abuse. Never thought of it like that.

 

In the eye of the storm, cant sleep. Feel exhausted. H trying to justify his behaviour, sending texts saying he and D get on...and I should ask her..,.that it was just squabbles and of course he loved his D and S.

 

He said he was just nipping things in the bud when I was out of the house and D and S started squabbling, that D did lie and that he felt anxious when I was out of the house and when I was in thehouse he let me deal with it.

 

How can there be any justification for telling your daughter You are of no value? Beats me.

 

D is a bit worried I think, I have told her to stay strong that we must both stay strong. Aiming to sell this house. Getting it valued tomorrow.

Get a cheap, pay-as-you-go phone.

Tell him you're changing your phone number.

Give him the number to the new phone.

 

Block him on your usual phone.

 

Then, throw the new phone in a drawer, and only look at it occasionally.

Of course you'll need to contact him now and then, but the less said - from either of you - the better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jenna,

 

I hope that you are still done with him and not minimizing his actions to yourself.

 

He sounds about as bad as my father and I am 31, still trying to pull my confidence out of the gutter.

 

There is NO REASON to talk to a daughter like that.

 

She lied!?

And!?

He role modeled that behaviour for her and cuts her down repeatedly after YEARS of warning and being tossed out. He has no impulse-control whatsoever.

 

Plus she's prob at least 20+ years younger than him. He can't expect her to act any better than what he's shown her (and by some miracle she actually is acting better than she's been shown).

 

Don't be "nice" to him about this at all. Period. Now or in the future.

He wasn't "nice" to you. He wasn't nice to either one of your kids. He doesn't deserve "nice." He deserves reality.

 

To give him a dose of "nice" instead of REALITY is to openly and knowingly emotionally poison everyone in your family.

 

You will be an accessory and active participant to the abuse of your children by letting him cry and plead his way back in.

 

Yes, it might hurt for a little bit and be "scary."

But it's scary in the same way that I am a needle-phobic but damned if I am going to let myself get Polio or what have you by not being vaccinated.

[jennaflorrie]

Jenna,

 

I hope that you are still done with him and not minimizing his actions to yourself.

 

He sounds about as bad as my father and I am 31, still trying to pull my confidence out of the gutter.

 

There is NO REASON to talk to a daughter like that.

 

She lied!?

And!?

He role modeled that behaviour for her and cuts her down repeatedly after YEARS of warning and being tossed out. He has no impulse-control whatsoever.o

Plus she's prob at least 20+ years younger than him. He can't expect her to act any better than what he's shown her (and by some miracle she actually is acting better than she's been shown).

 

Don't be "nice" to him about this at all. Period. Now or in the future.

He wasn't "nice" to you. He wasn't nice to either one of your kids. He doesn't deserve "nice." He deserves reality.

 

To give him a dose of "nice" instead of REALITY is to openly and knowingly emotionally poison everyone in your family.

 

You will be an accessory and active participant to the abuse of your children by letting him cry and plead his way back in.

 

Yes, it might hurt for a little bit and be "scary."

But it's scary in the same way that I am a needle-phobic but damned if I am going to let myself get Polio or what have you by not being vaccinated.

 

No. Way is. He welcome any more in my life! My. D. Today hugged me and. saud. She loved. Me. She has. Been much. Happier with him gone!! He has sent two text to. D. She has ignored them. Calling. Hee. Beautiful and. Lovely. Huh. She has always seen the wolf underneath the. Sheep's. Clothing!! There is no way. I will evee. Trust him again.

[beach]

No. Way is. He welcome any more in my life! My. D. Today hugged me and. saud. She loved. Me. She has. Been much. Happier with him gone!! He has sent two text to. D. She has ignored them. Calling. Hee. Beautiful and. Lovely. Huh. She has always seen the wolf underneath the. Sheep's. Clothing!! There is no way. I will evee. Trust him again.

 

Her Dad is cruel and abusive.

 

You need a restraining order in place ASAP so he can't continue to torture her with all his manipulative tactics.

 

Start getting proactive about protecting your child!

[jennaflorrie]

No Mercy. He had no mercy or sympathy for my D when she said "You are hurting my feelings", he said "how am I hurting your feelings"? in an angry, loud voice....and then "If you weren't bone idle I wouldn't have to nag you" and when she complained he said "This is retarded, pack in your infantile nonsense".

 

He is a typical ABUSER...and listen to what I have learnt oh you on this board currently being abused....maybe its just started or maybe its near the end....well, my H is a typical Abuser. He ENJOYS inflicting emotional pain. he ENJOYS abusing. It makes him feel powerful. I heard him on the nanny cam, just after I left the house...saying "Now don't make me keep nagging you" it was almost like he was warning her. His voice was thick...like he was ANTICIPATING the abuse. To his own D!!! Its shocking and evil.

 

He proceeded to tell her in a very short space of time...that she was of now value, had no purpose in the house, was a proven liar, useless, lazy, bone idle. He yelled, he snarled. He spoke to her like he hated her. He called her a really nasty person and horrible to be around.

 

No mercy from me. None.

Edited October 27, 2013 by jennaflorrie

[beach]

No Mercy. He had no mercy or sympathy for my D when she said "You are hurting my feelings", he said "how am I hurting your feelings"? in an angry, loud voice....and then "If you weren't bone idle I wouldn't have to nag you" and when she complained he said "This is retarded, pack in your infantile nonsense".

 

He is a typical ABUSER...and listen to what I have learnt oh you on this board currently being abused....maybe its just started or maybe its near the end....well, my H is a typical Abuser. He ENJOYS inflicting emotional pain. he ENJOYS abusing. It makes him feel powerful. I heard him on the nanny cam, just after I left the house...saying "Now don't make me keep nagging you" it was almost like he was warning her. His voice was thick...like he was ANTICIPATING the abuse. To his own D!!! Its shocking and evil.

 

He proceeded to tell her in a very short space of time...that she was of now value, had no purpose in the house, was a proven liar, useless, lazy, bone idle. He yelled, he snarled. He spoke to her like he hated her. He called her a really nasty person and horrible to be around.

 

No mercy from me. None.

 

And what are you DOING NOW that gives her insurance against his abuse in the future?

 

What help are you getting her to heal from his torture? What, exactly, are you DOING to show her that YOU will protect her from him now and moving forward?

 

Complaining about it doesn't make it go away! You need to take legal action so she can feel safe. She needs to UNLEARN everything he's told her - and even with professional help, that may take years or longer.

[jennaflorrie]

Went to church this morning with D Our next door neighbour sat next to us. Hadnt seen her in church before. Anyway, after the service she chatted to us and started talking about her dad and how he had been controlling. He's dead now....but she said how he said No to her having a carear in nursing. She said her mother though always loved him...right to the end....and her father would not have had a life without her mothers love, Then she said "but you understand, you love your husband dearly don't you"? And I thought "She's been listening and heard H yelling and shouting at D"!

 

What was she trying to say though...I don't know! That her mum was right to stay with her dad and that her dad would have had no life without her mum?

 

Or was she digging? I don't know. But it was an unsettling conversation. My D said "Ignore it mum....you do whats right for you" and "People separate for a lot less than what dad did".

 

Its weird, him being away....I imagine my family all discussing it. Are they pitying me? What will the future hold? My S is with my H and his parents at the moment until Tuesday. The house is quiet. D is sleeping. It may take her and me a while just to get on an even keel.

 

House is going on the market tomorrow. Just want to be rid of it.

 

I have assured D that I will not take H back.

[beach]

I wish you could of been honest with your neighbor and stated clearly "I'm divorcing him because he's abusive"!

 

You need to learn:

 

Trust your gut

Have a voice

 

Speak YOUR truth!

 

 

You haven't yet told if you have an appt with a trauma counselor...?

[jennaflorrie]

I was a bit shocked at the time though! Trying to figure out what she was trying to get at? How much had she heard?

 

She will know soon enough when the For Sale sign goes up outside the house.

 

My S text me last night...said his D told him He cant sleep and its hell being away from me.

 

I told S that was sad, but it was best he stay at his parents.

 

My S is getting dragged into his Dads emotions.

 

If my H thinks I am going to feel sorry for him because he cant sleep...well, I pity my D who couldn't sleep after his hurtful words.

 

If my H thinks I feel pity for him.....I feel pity for my D who should have had a dad who built her up, not knocked her down.

 

He was generally....nice to me....really tried. But obviously the Wolf was still there. I saw glimpses....and I decided I would get a nanny cam just to check if he had REALLY changed.

 

The nanny cam doesn't lie.

[beach]

When are you seeing a counselor?

 

Have you filed for divorce yet? You need to send your H a clear message that you intend to divorce him. Action on YOUR part is what's needed.

 

It's not necessary to figure out what others are getting at - it's only important to speak your truth.

Edited October 28, 2013 by beach

[turnera]

H seemed like a changed man. I wanted the nanny cams to be sure.

 

Now I know what a conniving, crafty bastard he is. Damn good actor too. Actually he is evil. To abuse his own daughter.

 

He also said she was retarded on camera.....he is evil.

The one thing that abusers are the BEST at is charm. That's part of their act, how to hook you.

[jennaflorrie]

yes they are good at charm. Feeling stressed out today. Son texted me from his grandparents house where he is staying with his dad and asked me to pick him up tonight.

 

He said "Why aren't you friends with dad"? And "At least make up for my sake and ^^&%^^ (D) sake". I don't know if he even sent those texts or whether he told my son to send the texts. He asked me to come in and say Hi when I pick him up.

 

Son sent me a text last night...saying "Whats up with you and dad?" and "Dad says he is staying here and he cant sleep, its hell being away from you".

 

I have to go get son now....I will have to explain everything to him.

 

My D said she misses the Good bits of her Dad but not the bad. And she said "You cant have one without the other".

 

Another kicking for me....the guy I liked completlley removed himself from Candy Crush Saga game this morning.....so that is a definite shut door I guess he really does want to move on. Which is ironic as I have now left Husband!!!

 

Also had the estate agent here and the house will be up for sale soon. Next couple of days. Just want to get rid of it.

 

H is playing all sorts of games and its freaking me out. I hate to see my Son hurt, but D has been better. She has dyed her hair, been taking pride in her appearance, she seems more hopeful. Just this afternoon a little quiet. Thinking about it all and missing the good part. She was turning into an abused person and getting dragged into that cycle, so I know I have to be strong for her as well as me.

 

I may well take up smoking again soon, I feel dreadful.

[turnera]

jenna, you ARE IN NO POSITION to be thinking about ANY OTHER MAN at this point.

 

Don't you dare!

[turnera]

Your son is 16, right? Sorry to say it, but he's likely already become the spitting image of his dad. IIWY, I would just try to maintain a decent relationship with him (your son) without any expectations of him ever understanding what you've done or why. He probably won't ever see your side OR approve of what you're doing.