Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[TaraMaiden]

Tell your son what I told my daughter, in the nicest possible way.

 

"What is going on between your father and me, is no business of yours. I'm sorry it affects you, but I for one will not drag you in and use you as a whipping post, piggy-in-the-middle, covert messenger or pawn in what goes on between us. It's none of your business. How I feel about you isn't affected. But your dad and me are over, there's no going back, and he will just have to suck it up.

 

Do not run messages from your father. I refuse to drag you into this, so if your father is sending word through you, tell him to pack it in, because the more he does it - and the more you get involved - the less I want to even know him."

 

Do not let your ex-husband - that's right - EX-HUSBAND - manipulate you or send you on a guilt trip via your son.

And don't let your son do the same, either.

[jennaflorrie]

Thanks so much for your support. God I need it! Picked son up...he wanted me to go in and say Hi. I said No. Husband came out to car and was going to get in and talk to me....! I told him No and I didn't want to talk to him. H said "Ok I will go and get "!£$$ (son).

 

Son got in the car and said how depressed he was. "I think I will start smoking and take drugs" he said. "I find this so depressing......I think I will commit suicide"

 

I tried to explain to Son that I had found evidence on the nanny cam that his dad had been very unkind to his sister. My son said "Dad is a hard worker, he does a lot for us....he is trying to motivate (D) ok, maybe he did it the wrong way, but cant you give him another chance"? He said that he would go live with dad, give up his college course.....go live with his dad. He said "Dad is diabetic and cant help getting annoyed...his blood sugars go up....he wont live that long...." he then said something awful "If anything happens to dad, if he dies.....I will commit suicide". I told him to not be so silly and he just repeated it!! I found that so scary.

 

I said "Dad is fine with granddad....he is fine...I need to sort things out and He can stay where he is......" Son just said he would miss Dad and he cant believe this is happening!

 

I tried to calm son down. Told him not to worry.

 

But it really screwed my head up.

 

Daughter - when I told her what son said - said "I'll leave home...I cause the trouble let him come back then"

 

I hugged D and said "No, I just want you to realise that your brother has been with his dad all weekend and ....." Daughter butted in "He is a manipulator just likie dad. Mini me"

 

I think my D is very smart.

 

Feel weak. Like I could take him back......for my sons sake. But where would that leave my Daughter?

 

H sent me a text just now, saying he knew \I was angry, but that he loved his daughter 100%.

[samsungxoxo]

Feel weak. Like I could take him back......for my sons sake. But where would that leave my Daughter?

Your daughter will then probably become like you and take abuse from a man. By becoming all weak again, you're indirectly telling your daughter ''I don't care about your safety nor feelings and it's ok for a man to abuse you, I will not protect you at all''.

 

I can't believe that with even the nanny cams and seeing it with your very own eyes, you still have to even question if you should take him back for your S's sake.

Edited October 28, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[beach]

No way should your son be in the house now! He is the same as your husband!

 

You are allowed to and should be saying NO to both males in your family!

 

Your H is a grown man - he needs to set up an apartment for him and your son.

 

Tell your son you'll see him for breakfast a few times a week.

 

Other than that - I can't see reasons to continue having conversations with your H! FILE for divorce!

 

And get the counseling appt going! I notice you just keep typing about the drama but you don't take action on moving FORWARD to heal!

 

Start focusing on solutions to INVOKE CHANGE!

 

Talking to your H just gives him ample opportunity to manipulate more.

 

Bringing your son back in is equally abusive to your daughter - keep the cameras rolling while he there - hopefully it's only for a few hours before he's out again!

 

And get HONEST with your son too! You tell him he's also abusive and that isn't allowed any longer in your home! That's why it's better he lives with Dad!

Edited October 28, 2013 by beach

[shortee]

Thanks so much for your support. God I need it! Picked son up...he wanted me to go in and say Hi. I said No. Husband came out to car and was going to get in and talk to me....! I told him No and I didn't want to talk to him. H said "Ok I will go and get "!£$$ (son).

 

Son got in the car and said how depressed he was. "I think I will start smoking and take drugs" he said. "I find this so depressing......I think I will commit suicide"

 

I tried to explain to Son that I had found evidence on the nanny cam that his dad had been very unkind to his sister. My son said "Dad is a hard worker, he does a lot for us....he is trying to motivate (D) ok, maybe he did it the wrong way, but cant you give him another chance"? He said that he would go live with dad, give up his college course.....go live with his dad. He said "Dad is diabetic and cant help getting annoyed...his blood sugars go up....he wont live that long...." he then said something awful "If anything happens to dad, if he dies.....I will commit suicide". I told him to not be so silly and he just repeated it!! I found that so scary.

 

I said "Dad is fine with granddad....he is fine...I need to sort things out and He can stay where he is......" Son just said he would miss Dad and he cant believe this is happening!

 

I tried to calm son down. Told him not to worry.

 

But it really screwed my head up.

 

Daughter - when I told her what son said - said "I'll leave home...I cause the trouble let him come back then"

 

I hugged D and said "No, I just want you to realise that your brother has been with his dad all weekend and ....." Daughter butted in "He is a manipulator just likie dad. Mini me"

 

I think my D is very smart.

 

Feel weak. Like I could take him back......for my sons sake. But where would that leave my Daughter?

 

H sent me a text just now, saying he knew \I was angry, but that he loved his daughter 100%.

 

Get your son into a psychiatric hospital now. He needs to be away from your husband. His threatening suicide is a result of your husbands abuse. Do not take your husband back. Are you crazy?! You son is obviously sick and needs help. He is THREATENING SUICIDE. That definitely means you should not take your husband back. Him threatening suicide is a result of your husband's abuse. You son needs help now. Get him into a psychiatric hospital now. He needs a good mental health doctor and therapy. You need to be a good mother to your son and get him away from your husband now.

[jennaflorrie]

My son doesn't need a psychiatric hospital....he was just fed up of the emotional pressure he must have felt when he was in the house with his dad and grandparents. The last thing he needs is a mental hospital. He is happy now here with me...I calmed him right down.....and he has been fine since yesterday evening. But his dad is coming hours drive to take him to football practice. He then wants to see D and says he misses her and does loves her.

 

My S sent his dad a text message last night "Love you dad, you are the best dad in the world" my H told me he must be doing something right then.

 

H has bombarded me with text this morning, saying that I used to fight with my D and what if he had filmed that. He said he loved his D and OK she was his Achilles heel, but he loved her and understood her....probably better than me!!!

 

I am not taking H back. Plan is to Sell this house asap. Get into rented accommodation. keep Son on even keel and calm. (which means trying to be civil to his dad) and helping my D to find her feet.

 

Do have moments when I think "what have I done"....because the stability (bad though it was) has gone.

 

I'll be ok. But I am very worried about how it will all pan out.

[turnera]

What you have done is to teach your children (which is your job) that NObody deserves to be abused and it will not be tolerated.

 

That your H is welcome to get mental help and learn and grow and possibly someday deserve you back but as of right now, he is HARMFUL and not to be tolerated.

 

THAT is your job, ok? To teach them how to be happy, healthy, FUNCTIONAL adults who do not harm others.

[turnera]

And PLEASE turn off your phone. You are separated and your children are TEENAGERS who can handle any communication with their father or anyone else. YOU have NO REASON to communicate with him.

 

Turn it off.

[TaraMaiden]

jenna do as I suggested.

Buy a pay-as-you-go phone, and deal with your Ex-H's calls as I advised. (seemy previous post on the matter).

 

Your son is being a drama-queen, and together with your ex, is attempting to guilt-trip you into a mine-field of remorse and capitulation.

 

Do NOT engage with your son, in any discussion relating to the issue between you and your ex.

Deflect, change the subject, or simply state that it's not up for discussion between the two of you (You and S.)

 

Your mind is made up.

Your H is not so sick with diabetes that he is unaware of his own actions.

His manner is not your responsibility to control.

 

He has clearly demonstrated he cannot control himself.

This is the consequence.

 

Do NOT permit yourself to be rail-roaded into changing your mind!!

[beach]

Please answer - have you gotten counseling appointments yet?

[shortee]

My son doesn't need a psychiatric hospital....he was just fed up of the emotional pressure he must have felt when he was in the house with his dad and grandparents. The last thing he needs is a mental hospital. He is happy now here with me...I calmed him right down.....and he has been fine since yesterday evening. But his dad is coming hours drive to take him to football practice. He then wants to see D and says he misses her and does loves her.

 

My S sent his dad a text message last night "Love you dad, you are the best dad in the world" my H told me he must be doing something right then.

 

H has bombarded me with text this morning, saying that I used to fight with my D and what if he had filmed that. He said he loved his D and OK she was his Achilles heel, but he loved her and understood her....probably better than me!!!

 

I am not taking H back. Plan is to Sell this house asap. Get into rented accommodation. keep Son on even keel and calm. (which means trying to be civil to his dad) and helping my D to find her feet.

 

Do have moments when I think "what have I done"....because the stability (bad though it was) has gone.

 

I'll be ok. But I am very worried about how it will all pan out.

 

Threatening suicide is not normal. At the very least, your son needs therapy. He is making excuses for your husband and your husband is making excuses for his abuse. Do not allow him to make excuses for his actions and he is lying about what is going on with your daughter even though it is on tape.

[TaraMaiden]

THREATENING suicide IS relatively normal, particularly from teenagers wielding a manipulative hammer.

 

What is rarer - much rarer, thankfully - is carrying the threat out.

 

And for the record, those who are seriously intent on committing suicide seldom admit it, particularly to those very close to them.

A truly suicidal person doesn't socialise, spend time with their loved ones, engage in hobbies and whinge about their problems....

 

A truly suicidal person tragically takes everyone by surprise.

 

The boy doesn't need a psychiatric hospital.

 

He needs a kick up the pants - metaphorically speaking - and an unequivocal signal that such manipulative efforts are frankly, peeing in the wind.

[beach]

I think you are handling this backwards.

 

You need professional guidance! Help with the abuse you've been exposed to.

 

Unless you are rewriting your marital history = because you were tempted by the candy game saga?

[Miracle90]

Had I threatened suicide and given my mother an attitude the same way her son is doing, I wouldn't even be able to finish my last sentence. She would have immediately straighten me out without hesitation. She wasn't the type of mother to be convinced by a child's tantrum.

 

At my time and as well as my parents' there was no need to take your child to a therapist/psychiatrist every time they gave you an attitude or try guilt tripping you. That was reserved for extremely serious cases such as a real mental disorder or if they were really doing to do something bad. Most of the time it's just a child whining, getting the attention he/she wants.

[beach]

Or a sick way of attempting to hurt and abuse Mom further? Cause her further pain?

 

Remember - the son was trained how to display abusive behavior - by Dad!

 

But the bottom line remains the same = Mom ALLOWED it!

 

Can she expect to teach him a new way? Not likely...

 

But throwing him out when he shows the first sign of trash talking is the best plan to allow him to understand - his crappy behavior isn't allowed in her house any longer!

 

Sage your house = cleanse it's negative energy! Invite in NEW POSITIVE energy! Do not allow any negative words or behavior from this moment moving forward!

[turnera]

Another choice, if he does it again, is to call an ambulance and let him explain to THEM that he was only venting. Doubtful he would do it again.

[beach]

Another choice, if he does it again, is to call an ambulance and let him explain to THEM that he was only venting. Doubtful he would do it again.

 

There are consequences for idle threats. But you shouldn't take chances.

 

Standard protocol here is to call the police - they show up - if that person threatens their own life or others - they get admitted for professional mental evaluation.

 

Doing nothing (your old pattern) has proved that it does no good!

 

Start taking action every time he misbehaves.

 

Tell him you will take action for any bad behavior.

[jennaflorrie]

H visited last night....took his S to football practice...said Hi to D and hugged her, brought her a DVD and told her he was sorry he was such a crap dad but that he did love her. D said thanks for the DVD but after he went said a few swear words........

 

S happy that his dad is still around....I tried to be civil to him for Sons sake. D knows that he is not going to come back waltzing in. He is out.

 

She just says "We'll see" but I said "No, I took him back too soon before and look what happened". H was full of tears and remorse when he spoke with me outside the front door - just before he left to go home. He said he did love his Daughter that he must just be useless with females. He said that he had told D that she was beautiful and clever and able. I said "Yes, but then you cancelled all that out by saying she had no value etc". H said he wants to repair his relationship with his Daughter. I said "That's up to you and D but you cant come here...you have to stay with you parents".

 

I told my Dad this morning what had happened. He said I had handled it all very well, that I couldn't have H back and break D trust. That H had manipulated before and just to play it cool and calm. Sell the house...look after D. Keep things steady with Son. Son can stay with his Dad over weekends till Tuesday....every week.

 

I don't trust H and I doubt I ever will again. But I am keeping it steady steady steady. Easy as we goooooooooooooooooo

[turnera]

You're handling this very well. Your D is learning that you CAN stand up to an abuser. That's the most important thing you can do right now. If you take him back, you'll have taught her women aren't worth as much as men, and she'll make similar choices.

[turnera]

btw, any time your H comes to you with such nonsense talk, just keep repeating "are you telling that to your therapist? If not, I don't want to hear about it."

[jennaflorrie]

Son has been ok since he saw his dad on Tuesday. He has not asked for him once or mentioned him to me at all.

 

I told him today that in 6 months or so, he could have his driving licence and have the freedom to go wherever he wants.....I told him that is what he needs and to hold on and he will not be feeling so stuck. He will be able to go see whoever, whenever..,....new lease of life. That seemed to really cheer son up. I just told him we had all been through a lot...but things would stabilise and once he could drive that would be just great for him!!

 

D is cheerful and her dad has been sending her texts. She has replied.

 

H sent me a text tonight...saying he misses us all terribly, but is willing to give us the space we need especially D....he thinks we are all so gorgeous we should go on top of a 3 tiered cake!

 

He sounds so gushingly loved up. But I cannot trust him. No way.

 

He can stay right where we are....keep son steady....keep Daughter protected.

[jennaflorrie]

Son and D have not asked about heir dad at all since his visit on Tuesday.

 

Son was cheered when I told him how close he was to being able to start driving...and once he had his licence...he would be able to go where he pleases, see friends....wont feel so stucked.

 

We had a long chat about all we had been through...and I just encouraged Son that things would stabilise.

 

H just sent me a gushing text...how marvellous and wonderful we all were, fabulous and gorgeous...we should all be put on top of a 3 tiered cake. He misses us and loves us....blah blah blah.

 

Heard it all before. I cannot trust him. He can stay just where he is. I am keeping my Son steady and encouraged and protecting D.

[jennaflorrie]

btw, any time your H comes to you with such nonsense talk, just keep repeating "are you telling that to your therapist? If not, I don't want to hear about it."

 

Good idea. will try that.

[beach]

Have you started seeing a counselor yet?

 

Did you file for divorce?

 

 

Your H thinks you will take him back = that is why he's throwing idle compliments your way! It's worked before, yes? The cycle goes around and around until YOU break it!

 

Divorce him!

[turnera]

Remember that the abuser goes through a cycle of 'tricks' to get what he wants. Now that you've shown strength, he is going to ramp up use of the tricks. He will whichever of these get the most reactions from you - sweetness and light, praise, guilt, cajoling, how stressed he is, anger, flat out blame, fury, threats, legal threats, kid threats, finally, him falling apart and wanting to kill himself, not eating or sleeping, then silence so you reach out thinking he may have killed himself.