Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi jenna:

I have worked with teens for years in the military and suicide threats are never supposed to be ignored. Even if you do not feel like he is serious, never laugh at the threats, and always offer to call a suicide hotline for him if he needs it. A counselor who specializes in divorce and teenagers is sufficient without a hospital. Actually we had three out of five suicides occur with teens who threatened it in my career so I would take this seriously since his father has taught him how to manipulate so well. Your ex-H is such a blatant manipulator that he must think you are simpleminded.

 

I agree that you need to get your divorce lawyer asap, and get both of your children counseling to deal with the divorce. Even if they do not need it, they had it and it can provide them with an outside source to speak to. As Dad is manipulative and Mom is a repeat offender for taking back the abuser, they need some outside perspective.

Go no contact and let all actions be handled by your lawyer.

Best,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Oh, and Jenna...he has not changed...he is just doing everything in his power to make you think he has so you will take him back...don't forget his tricks in the past and how easy you believed them. Keep your focus on a stable life for your family without all the drama.

Hang in there,

G

[jennaflorrie]

Oh, and Jenna...he has not changed...he is just doing everything in his power to make you think he has so you will take him back...don't forget his tricks in the past and how easy you believed them. Keep your focus on a stable life for your family without all the drama.

Hang in there,

G

 

 

Thanks needed that today!! Feeling weak today, miss the good bits. My D said "you weakening mum?" I said "NO NO way"!! But inside I was thinking" "This is soooo hard soooo difficult....I feel scared....proud of myself, but scared.

 

I cant have him back....Son looks a bit lost, but I have no choice....Son is strong and I will help him every way I can.

[jennaflorrie]

Have you started seeing a counselor yet?

 

Did you file for divorce?

 

 

Your H thinks you will take him back = that is why he's throwing idle compliments your way! It's worked before, yes? The cycle goes around and around until YOU break it!

 

Divorce him!

 

 

No I haven't started counselling yet. The compliments keep coming fast.....I will divorce him...but first got to make sure son is ok. And stabilise whole family.

[jennaflorrie]

Remember that the abuser goes through a cycle of 'tricks' to get what he wants. Now that you've shown strength, he is going to ramp up use of the tricks. He will whichever of these get the most reactions from you - sweetness and light, praise, guilt, cajoling, how stressed he is, anger, flat out blame, fury, threats, legal threats, kid threats, finally, him falling apart and wanting to kill himself, not eating or sleeping, then silence so you reach out thinking he may have killed himself.

 

 

This made me laugh....thanks....and sooooo true!!! He has told me he cant sleep, that its hell being away from us...(well he told Son that it was hell being away from us and he told Son that he couldn't sleep) he is going to go through the works, you are right.

 

Feel weak today, but I know I have to go through this to get to the other side. I am ok but I don't want my kids to suffer with it all.

[turnera]

I don't want my kids to suffer with it all.

 

Better to get them away from this NOW and let them adjust, than to have them live WITH it all their childhood and come out the other end as dysfunctional as you two. At least they'll see a little bit of you standing up to him and getting a better life, so they'll know they can do it, too.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks needed that today!! Feeling weak today, miss the good bits. My D said "you weakening mum?" I said "NO NO way"!! But inside I was thinking" "This is soooo hard soooo difficult....I feel scared....proud of myself, but scared.

 

I cant have him back....Son looks a bit lost, but I have no choice....Son is strong and I will help him every way I can.

 

Feeling weak today?

 

Fhuvk that shyte.

 

You don't get the luxury as of yet to feel weakened and relax at this point.

 

Weak and powerless is what your daughter got to feel when her father emotionally obliterated you.

 

Look how weak he really is, he can't even take solid, real responsibility for his own actions. Seriously, he name calls his own kids? Just how immature does one have to be for that to happen.

[dreamingoftigers]

Get your son help IMMEDIATELY!

 

People say that "true suicidals" don't make threats.

 

That is a MYTH. It has been proven wrong too many unfortunate times.

 

A lot of times suicidal people have made enough peace with their decision that it doesn't even bother them to tell someone because they know that they'll follow through anyhow.

[beach]

Things are still backwards... You think you need to stabilize things before getting to a counselor - filing for divorce? NO! Things will stabilize when you file! When you get help from an outside professional source!

 

Get it filed! Get to the counselor ASAP!

 

Waiting is your old pattern! YOU must change things! Do it NOW!

[shortee]

Feeling weak today?

 

Fhuvk that shyte.

 

You don't get the luxury as of yet to feel weakened and relax at this point.

 

Weak and powerless is what your daughter got to feel when her father emotionally obliterated you.

 

Look how weak he really is, he can't even take solid, real responsibility for his own actions. Seriously, he name calls his own kids? Just how immature does one have to be for that to happen.

 

Solid proof that he hasn't changed. He won't take responsibility for his actions. He blames you, your daughter, his diabetes, the Easter bunny, ect. But not himself. Until he takes responsibility for his actions, he won't change.

[jennaflorrie]

Solid proof that he hasn't changed. He won't take responsibility for his actions. He blames you, your daughter, his diabetes, the Easter bunny, ect. But not himself. Until he takes responsibility for his actions, he won't change.

 

Latest texts sent says that we are his first thought in the morning and last at night. That he is a new man and I must trust God and trust him but that he still has so many faults to be healed,. He blames the stressers of long hours, worry over the house for his outbursts.And admits he has handled things in a weak way. The though of losing his ffamily weighs heavy on his heart. He blames the disruptive life and asks me to see things from his perspective......what I have put him through in recent months yet he still loves me and misses me.

 

I just replied that he had put me through the mill and I could not trust him.

 

About his Daughter he says "You are so so wrong..,.I am very much like "£$%% (D) and speak in the heat of the moment. Its incredibly destructive but absolutely never premeditated. I tell you from my heart that I am a changed man, but there are so many faults, holes and failings and weaknesses for God to heal. I dont know why I have done some of the things I have, I really dont, because you are all so special to me. God must be cheesed off with the sound of my voice by now, but certainly it hellps me and I am sure he is happy to hear me talking to him so often. I am happy to work extra to pay for rent it is my responsibility and I am the reason you are having to pay it, so I feel as though I am at least doing something right"

 

He also sent D a text, saying how sorry he was....that she was beautiful, clever, special. Trouble is he apologised to her 4 months ago...and took her out for the day the next day......but then he reverts.

[jennaflorrie]

Get your son help IMMEDIATELY!

 

People say that "true suicidals" don't make threats.

 

That is a MYTH. It has been proven wrong too many unfortunate times.

 

A lot of times suicidal people have made enough peace with their decision that it doesn't even bother them to tell someone because they know that they'll follow through anyhow.

 

Son was stressed....it was all over his face and in his eyes. It has lifted now, becaue I have told him we are going back to his old town. His friends are there and he was settled and happy there. Also his dad can take him to football his grandparents can take him out.....He has cheered up so much.

 

So planning to rent house out in old town....while this project house sells.....H can then see his Son whenever they chose and they will be able to go to football etc. Son will have his old mates around him and feel less trapped in the middle of the countryside..,.as he is now.

 

H is wanting me to believe that he has changed. That him and his D are just alike and blah blah blah...but I just dont trust him. I have told him I will be living in rented accommodation.....he was a bit shocked at first when I told him he would NOT be moving in....I was shocked that he thought i would let him!!!

 

D has been having sweet texts from her dad...but she too, does not trust him, and has heard all this before.

 

Hoping to be back in old town by next month!!! I am excited as I liked it there and had lots of friends there...and like I said....Son is very, very hapy too!

[dreamingoftigers]

Latest texts sent says that we are his first thought in the morning and last at night. That he is a new man and I must trust God and trust him but that he still has so many faults to be healed,. He blames the stressers of long hours, worry over the house for his outbursts.And admits he has handled things in a weak way. The though of losing his ffamily weighs heavy on his heart. He blames the disruptive life and asks me to see things from his perspective......what I have put him through in recent months yet he still loves me and misses me.

 

I just replied that he had put me through the mill and I could not trust him.

 

About his Daughter he says "You are so so wrong..,.I am very much like "£$%% (D) and speak in the heat of the moment. Its incredibly destructive but absolutely never premeditated. I tell you from my heart that I am a changed man, but there are so many faults, holes and failings and weaknesses for God to heal. I dont know why I have done some of the things I have, I really dont, because you are all so special to me. God must be cheesed off with the sound of my voice by now, but certainly it hellps me and I am sure he is happy to hear me talking to him so often. I am happy to work extra to pay for rent it is my responsibility and I am the reason you are having to pay it, so I feel as though I am at least doing something right"

 

He also sent D a text, saying how sorry he was....that she was beautiful, clever, special. Trouble is he apologised to her 4 months ago...and took her out for the day the next day......but then he reverts.

 

Good for him, he's a changed man.

 

Now he can go be a bright, shiny changed man all by himself.

 

And you can make sure your daughter doesn't pay the price if he isn't, again.

 

The problem with people like this is that they change when there's no other option AND then they shift the blame to everything else when they settle in and pull their BS again.

 

I think he'll only change once he's solidly lost his family, not when he's scared to. Some men (most I think, honestly) are just that way. You tried Jenna, you've invested way too much time, energy and trust into someone that hasn't held up their end, lied about it and simply tries to emotionally impale you, (even with a "reference letter" from God) when things don't go his way.

 

He uses his words and actions to inflict pain on his daughter and hide that from you. He uses his son as an instrument to do that as well. That doesn't change overnight, or in a week or whatever. He can work it out with his daughter after she leaves home, when she decides, on her own terms. She shouldn't be subjected to him anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

H is wanting me to believe that he has changed. That him and his D are just alike and blah blah blah...but I just dont trust him. I have told him I will be living in rented accommodation.....he was a bit shocked at first when I told him he would NOT be moving in....I was shocked that he thought i would let him!!!

 

D has been having sweet texts from her dad...but she too, does not trust him, and has heard all this before.

 

Hoping to be back in old town by next month!!! I am excited as I liked it there and had lots of friends there...and like I said....Son is very, very hapy too!

 

Re: the bolded comment above.

 

It's a little eerie to me. My father has often said the same thing of me, that I "am just like him."

 

He also abused the Hell out of me and rarely filters his opinion of me or my behaviour.

 

I also have noticed that the further away I got from him, the less like him I am. I don't fight dirty anymore like he does. I don't resort to angry tactics like he does that he role-modelled for me when I was younger.

 

There are some traits that I have from him, but they exhibit themselves differently in me. I don't find myself especially like my mother either, but somewhat.

 

My true self is unique when looked at side-by-side with my parents. But still, if I accomplish anything it is because "I am my father's daughter and it came from him somehow" but if I fail at something it is because "I am a failure etc. doing do this that or other thing right."

 

I get no credit for my own identity or my own accomplishments (from them).

 

I actually do not find the bolded statement to be a good or healthy one at all. I find it to be something that strips your daughter further of her personhood. But only because with this type of man, I feel that I understand the context a little more deeply.

 

I may have read too much into it, but that's my $0.02.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah: in a nutshell, he's finding masses of excuses for his erratic and intolerable behaviour. And he states that there is so much for god to heal.

 

He has projected every single ounce of reason and responsibility for his own thoughts, words and actions, outwards, onto something, or someone else.

 

Until such a time as he completely, unconditionally and honestly owns his behaviour, character, responsibility and consequence, he will never appreciably change.

 

And even if he ever did, I still wouldn't trust him with a barge-pole, to truly implement positive and constructive change.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah: in a nutshell, he's finding masses of excuses for his erratic and intolerable behaviour. And he states that there is so much for god to heal.

 

He has projected every single ounce of reason and responsibility for his own thoughts, words and actions, outwards, onto something, or someone else.

 

Until such a time as he completely, unconditionally and honestly owns his behaviour, character, responsibility and consequence, he will never appreciably change.

 

And even if he ever did, I still wouldn't trust him with a barge-pole, to truly implement positive and constructive change.

 

Hi TM!

 

Anyways, Jenna,

 

True change would show not having any form of expectation of you to instantly forgive him and allow him to move back in with you guys.

 

It's less about him changing and more about him convincing you guys that he has. And I believe you've been down this road so many times that if you owned a city, this road would take up 75% of the street maintenance budget. Perhaps it's time to move the traffic somewhere else.

 

May I suggest "I-Don't-Effing-Believe-Your-Crap-Anymore Street" I hear that particular road has been underutilized.

[jennaflorrie]

Hi TM!

 

Anyways, Jenna,

 

True change would show not having any form of expectation of you to instantly forgive him and allow him to move back in with you guys.

 

It's less about him changing and more about him convincing you guys that he has. And I believe you've been down this road so many times that if you owned a city, this road would take up 75% of the street maintenance budget. Perhaps it's time to move the traffic somewhere else.

 

May I suggest "I-Don't-Effing-Believe-Your-Crap-Anymore Street" I hear that particular road has been underutilized.

 

It hurts to be told you are like someone that you detest.

 

My D always hated being told she looked like her dad or was acting like her dad.

 

I was always concerned because although H stated he had changed....his own D refused to call him Dad....

 

He says it was incredibly destructive.....so he knows that the words he used were damaging. Yet, he still used them.

 

I cannot trust him. If he thinks that I will just open the door and let him move in with us in the rented house....he is mistaken.

 

Son has not mentioned his dad to me at all. I tried to talk with him yesterday....but he didnt really want to talk about him...I just said "Dont get involved in all the emotional stuff Because its between me and your dad, and we will sort things...if anyone says anything to you...just say that you love your mum and dad and do not want to get involved in any aggro or emotional drama".

 

I am going to have a very busy month.....getting us into a rented house....but I am excited too.

 

Husband has put me through so much TM....I would not believe him. I would have to see concrete proof for years.

[TaraMaiden]

It hurts to be told you are like someone that you detest.

I always challenge a comment like that.

 

"Oh really? in what way? you mean in the way I deliberately use spite and venom to hurt someone? Not?? Do I do that? No, I don't. So, really, tell me. In what way am I so 'like my <whoever'>...?"

 

Then, when they elaborate, it's usually a million miles away from what they originally meant, because they realise they're talking BS.

 

My D always hated being told she looked like her dad or was acting like her dad.

That's because it's not true.

She was REacting like her dad. Children learn to behave and respond in ways that they hope will protect them....

 

I was always concerned because although H stated he had changed....his own D refused to call him Dad....

Good for her.

He doesn't deserve the label. Any man can be a father. He has to earn the right to be called 'dad'. I can think of a few choice names I'd call him, in her place.

 

He says it was incredibly destructive.....so he knows that the words he used were damaging. Yet, he still used them.

 

"The pen is mightier than the sword."

 

"Not even the yellow Emperor's swiftest horsemen can retrieve the word once spoken."

 

Harsh, cruel and spiteful words are like nails driven into a block of wood. you can take the nails out again, but the hole they make, remains.....

 

This - THIS - is the consequence of his liberal use of the 'hammer and nails'.

Exclusion.

 

I cannot trust him. If he thinks that I will just open the door and let him move in with us in the rented house....he is mistaken.

Can we trust you to absolutely mean this for good and never, ever go back on it? I pray we can.....

 

Son has not mentioned his dad to me at all. I tried to talk with him yesterday....but he didnt really want to talk about him...

Good.

Hopefully he will give his dad the same response.

 

I just said "Dont get involved in all the emotional stuff Because its between me and your dad, and we will sort things...if anyone says anything to you...just say that you love your mum and dad and do not want to get involved in any aggro or emotional drama".

Don't tell him what to say.

he keeps being fed lines by your H. It still makes him manipulated. Just keep him at arm's length, where you and your EX-H are concerned. (You have to start referring to that man as your ex. And tell him (your ex-h, not your S....) that you're telling everyone that he's your Ex-husband. That should help drive it home.

 

I am going to have a very busy month.....getting us into a rented house....but I am excited too.

Good.

we're excited for you too.....!

 

Husband has put me through so much TM....I would not believe him. I would have to see concrete proof for years.

And by then, thankfully, it will be too late, because you are soooooo moving on, right now!

[jennaflorrie]

I always challenge a comment like that.

 

"Oh really? in what way? you mean in the way I deliberately use spite and venom to hurt someone? Not?? Do I do that? No, I don't. So, really, tell me. In what way am I so 'like my <whoever'>...?"

 

Then, when they elaborate, it's usually a million miles away from what they originally meant, because they realise they're talking BS.

 

 

That's because it's not true.

She was REacting like her dad. Children learn to behave and respond in ways that they hope will protect them....

 

 

Good for her.

He doesn't deserve the label. Any man can be a father. He has to earn the right to be called 'dad'. I can think of a few choice names I'd call him, in her place.

 

 

 

"The pen is mightier than the sword."

 

"Not even the yellow Emperor's swiftest horsemen can retrieve the word once spoken."

 

Harsh, cruel and spiteful words are like nails driven into a block of wood. you can take the nails out again, but the hole they make, remains.....

 

This - THIS - is the consequence of his liberal use of the 'hammer and nails'.

Exclusion.

 

 

Can we trust you to absolutely mean this for good and never, ever go back on it? I pray we can.....

 

 

Good.

Hopefully he will give his dad the same response.

 

 

Don't tell him what to say.

he keeps being fed lines by your H. It still makes him manipulated. Just keep him at arm's length, where you and your EX-H are concerned. (You have to start referring to that man as your ex. And tell him (your ex-h, not your S....) that you're telling everyone that he's your Ex-husband. That should help drive it home.

 

 

Good.

we're excited for you too.....!

 

 

And by then, thankfully, it will be too late, because you are soooooo moving on, right now!

 

I certainly am! Once I get s and d settled in rented home in old home town.....where they can see their mates and feel secure....I will THEN tell H......"Look, if you have changed...GREAT...but TOO much has happened....for TOO long. I have NO trust in you anymore...and even if you are this new man....it would take YEARS to convince me. I am going for a divorce and I wish you all the best....and hope you can be a decent Father to your son and can somehow heal some of the wounds with your Daughter...but as for me...its over. "

 

How many chances did I give Him? Forgave him? I am going to go for Divorce very soon. Just need to get kids settled in their old home town..............getting there. And I AM excited about the future!!

[turnera]

He is welcome to change. Just as you are welcome to NOT take him back.

 

Tell him you are moving, and that you are glad he is looking into changing himself. That you will wait, from a separate place, to see if he can maintain consistent change for a full year. If he truly does get consistent therapy, for a year, and you see real change, you'll consider taking him back. After a year.

[TaraMaiden]

I certainly am! Once I get s and d settled in rented home in old home town.....where they can see their mates and feel secure....I will THEN tell H......"Look, if you have changed...GREAT...but TOO much has happened....for TOO long. I have NO trust in you anymore...and even if you are this new man....it would take YEARS to convince me. I am going for a divorce and I wish you all the best....and hope you can be a decent Father to your son and can somehow heal some of the wounds with your Daughter...but as for me...its over. "

 

Still too considerate.

 

Here it is again, as, in my opinion, this is how I think you should speak with him....

 

Look, if you have changed...GREAT...but TOO much has happened....for TOO long. I have NO trust in you anymore...and even if you are this new man....it would take YEARS to convince me. I am going for a divorce and I wish you all the best....and hope you can be a decent Father to your son and can somehow heal some of the wounds with your Daughter...but as for me...its over. "

 

Much more succinct, no-nonsense and to-the-point.

 

 

 

How many chances did I give Him? Forgave him? I am going to go for Divorce very soon. Just need to get kids settled in their old home town..............getting there. And I AM excited about the future!!

Can you believe last time you tried this you were panicking and crying a day later??

No, neither can I....

[beach]

I'm glad you are invoking change into your life now!

 

I must ask though, why are you moving close to your Dad if he was abusive to you?

 

And why is your daughter even receiving texts from your abusive husband? He should be blocked!

 

You may need to file for divorce where you've been residing.

 

You need to get the D FILED! You need help for your family from a counselor!

 

 

I can't see any reason to be communicating with that abusive man - why haven't you shut off all forms of receiving his b@ll**** he spews? Why are you even listening to what he has to say (lie about)?

 

 

When my exH was told to move - I didn't allow him to abuse me any further! Any form of communicating would have given him ample opportunity to spin his evil, manipulative web. Why are You ALLOWING it?

 

 

Get help! You need support from a trauma counselor!

[trippi1432]

Jenna - I always find it interesting when the true verbally and abusive man finds God. I'm sure the conversation goes a lot like this:

 

Abuser - God, why do you make me do this??

God - Silence

Abuser's little voice in his own head - "they make you this way!!"

 

Abuser - God, I need you to make me a changed person....

God - Silence

Abuser's little voice in his own head - "they need to change to make me happy, then I wouldn't abuse them so much"

 

Abuser - God, I need you to fix me to be a better man....

God - Silence

Abuser's little voice in his own head - "I need to placate them with compliments to show I am a better man because surely that makes up for all the harm I've done all these years...."

 

Abuser to Wife - I'm a changed man, I've spoken with God and am a better man because of it.....I will do anything!! (caveat: To get back the power that he has by being comfortable in the home and abusive again.)

 

And when he reverts and fails......God has forsaken him, please have patience with him as God is trying to teach him to be a better man.

 

He has about as much a chance of that as God shooting a rainbow up his arse and Skittles shooting out of his mouth.

 

Being a better man starts with him admitting his behavior, truly being humble, truly putting others ahead of himself and being a real father instead of an ominous, manipulative presence in their lives.

[jennaflorrie]

I'm glad you are invoking change into your life now!

 

I must ask though, why are you moving close to your Dad if he was abusive to you?

 

And why is your daughter even receiving texts from your abusive husband? He should be blocked!

 

You may need to file for divorce where you've been residing.

 

You need to get the D FILED! You need help for your family from a counselor!

 

 

I can't see any reason to be communicating with that abusive man - why haven't you shut off all forms of receiving his b@ll**** he spews? Why are you even listening to what he has to say (lie about)?

 

 

When my exH was told to move - I didn't allow him to abuse me any further! Any form of communicating would have given him ample opportunity to spin his evil, manipulative web. Why are You ALLOWING it?

 

 

Get help! You need support from a trauma counselor!

 

 

I am moving away from MY dad...and he wasnt abusive to me...ever, he was a fantastic, loving dad.

 

I am moving back to our old home town...which is the place S and D consider home.

 

Just been chatting to my brother and in law...."He was just bad tempered" my brother said and my Sister in law said "Yes, he did care, just didnt cope very well". They are all talking crap. They have no idea what I endured for 22 years and then to find out your H has been spewing on his own D.....they obviously think I will work it out with him! Minimising his behaviour.

 

My D is receiving texts because her Dad knows her number...and if I block him from contacting his own Daughter...well, she is 19 and old enough to decide if she wants to speak to him. She tends to ignore his text.

 

Sometimes I still cant believe I DID IT!!! I think "I did it...." I never thought I really could!!!

[beach]

And since "he doesn't know WHY he's done this" - there's no way he has a way to resolve HIS issues!

 

 

Abusers - it takes YEARS of intensive therapy for them to understand why they got this way - sort through the harm THEY'VE caused - identify what that harm looks like - and DO contrary action CONSISTENTLY for long enough for themselves to understand their THINKING and ACTIONS are changed and believable.

 

Right now, you are allowing him to feed you that crap sandwich by virtue of listening to (or reading) his continual lies!

 

Stop communicating. Stop allowing him to further abuse your daughter too, with his sweet side - which is further abuse! File a restraining order if need be - but do not take his crap!