Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[jennaflorrie]

Honestly, I didn't realize he was there sleeping right now when was posting earlier.

 

A few years ago when I was traumatized by my husband's monstrous personality, I would've let him sleep too and finish the day there. Maybe given him 48 hours to pack.

 

Tara, I would honestly say out of anger and righteousness that she should throw him out half-asleep and say "because EFF YOU, THAT'S WHY."

 

BUT the reality here is that this guy has a history of a bad temper and being physically abusive to the OP. As much as getting him out and not letting him back is SUPER-IMPORTANT. I would suggest given the history that she handle it a little differently, more planned and executed. In a way where the kids don't have to potentially defend Mom's or their own safety against his potential explosion. Plus, I'm sure Jen doesn't want social services involved innany capacity if the kids have to call the police.

 

(this is of course a suggestion)

 

I think he can finish his time there this bit (barring any serious or ridiculous instances). Then when he goes. Take a few days (or whatever) off of work. Pack his crap. Put it in storage. Change your locks. Talk with your kids about the situation. Give him the address to the storage. Tell him he has 14 or 30 days to get it (whatever).

 

Concretely explain why. Tell him he is no longer welcome. Commence legally from there.

 

And the only reason I say "separation" is that, due to her faith, she feels the divorce is not workable within her value system. If a separation affords roughly the same result, than that can be a much more workable plan to OP.

 

A lot of these things appear "BLACK" and "WHITE" when you are in the muddle of them. If believing she NEEDS to stay in the marriage to protect her faith, that may freeze any momentum to secure the situation at all.

 

And honestly. It prob only a matter of time before he files....or cheats, giving her justification in her faith to file.

 

He is due to go to work tomorrow and was meant to be back here Friday afternoon. He will stay at his parents in between. Prob best for me to go over to his parents place - one hour drive from here - by myself. Speak to him at his parents house. Then speak to parents and tell them that things are not working out and its over. They can support their son. I can send his stuff over. Sell this house I am in. Tell the kids that we are separated. And just stay strong and don't let anyone convince me that I really SHOULD be with my husband and marriage really is FOR LIFE.

 

One legged woman, Mountain....OK. I will do this.

[dreamingoftigers]

TaraMaiden.

 

<3 <3 <3

 

I'm not surprised your avatar used to be Xena. (sp?)

 

<3 <3 <3

 

I'm guessing you'll think JF will welch if she waits until the end of the week when her H buys the kids a discounted chocolate bunny...

[jennaflorrie]

Jenna, I've been following your thread and my heart breaks for you and your children. I'm so thankful to read that you are going to take action and keep him away from yourself and your children.

 

Jenna, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself and my background. The reasons why are that there are similarities between you and your husband and my own parents and I want to tell you because I hope you can understand that you need to do everything in your power to protect your children from this day forward.

 

Jenna, you remind me of my mother. My mother is a kind, sweet soul and she has so much faith. She follows the teachings of the bible to her utmost ability. In my book, she is a saint.

 

Now with that said, my mother's biggest failing is not protecting me and my brothers from my father and his abuse. I am a woman now who is in her early 50's and what happened to me from the age of 9 until the time I left home at 17, I will never heal from, I will never be like other people. I can't unknow what I know........if that makes sense.

 

You have gotten so much good advice here, biblically based and I think you are starting to see that.

 

I wish you all the best Jenna and peace in your heart.

Thank you for sharing. My kids havent had horrific abuse, but the emotional truama has been severe enough to warrent the end of this marriage. God knows how I kept it going for so long. My faith. My strength which came from my own dad who always told me and made me believe I was strong. But that same strength has been used to protect someone who needs to be on his way.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden.

 

<3 <3 <3

 

I'm not surprised your avatar used to be Xena. (sp?)

 

 

<3 <3 <3

 

Yup....! >D

 

 

I'm guessing you'll think JF will welch if she waits until the end of the week when her H buys the kids a discounted chocolate bunny...

I really, really hope not.

 

Really. I sooooo hope not.....

 

See, looking at this thread on the face of it, we sound flippant and matter-of-fact.

But behind this screen sits a woman who is about to completely overhaul her life after trying so hard to hold it all together perfectly.

She's tried to do right by everyone, for everyone...

And it's nearly broken her.

 

(She only has one leg.....! )

 

Seriously though - Jenna, it's time to do this for yourself.

 

You don't have to be the duct tape that keeps it all bundled neatly....

Let go, and be strong.

 

And we really hope you can do this, and are behind you all the way....

[2sunny]

Thank you for sharing. My kids havent had horrific abuse, but the emotional truama has been severe enough to warrent the end of this marriage. God knows how I kept it going for so long. My faith. My strength which came from my own dad who always told me and made me believe I was strong. But that same strength has been used to protect someone who needs to be on his way.

 

Yes, he should be on his way.

 

His words don't match his actions - and that amounts to a liar every time.

 

He should not be allowed to be with your daughter! He's cruel and mean.

 

I'd change the locks and move money while he's gone. I'd draw up divorce papers and have him served this week.

 

He's had his chance and says he's changed... But he hasn't changed - he just found his next victim = your daughter. He must have a deep seeded hatred of women.

 

It's no wonder the love you have to give is gone - there's no way to trust him when he's causing harm to your child! Nothing inside him has changed - he's a bully looking to bully someone - and since you said it's no longer you - he picked the next easiest target! There's not one thing that's right about it!

 

Let your son live with Dad if he wants to - see how that works.

 

But hurry, you have a lot of work to accomplish by Friday. Hurry! Go at it like I did - like my life and my future depended on it!

[BetheButterfly]

I am so sorry you have been through this.....I am sad for the countless families and children that have suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to love them.

 

Me too

 

I was blessed to be a daddys girl, I idolised my dad and my dad always encouraged me and said I could do anything.

 

I am a Daddy's girl too! Yep! My Dad is like that too!

 

I feel so very sad to the core of my soul that my daughter has not had that.

 

I don't understand why all Dads don't love and encourage their children.

 

My H says he has changed, he is a new man! But then when he knows I am sleeping after doing a night shift...he starts having a go at her. So, yes.....he obviously DOES know that I would not approve and he knows its wrong.

 

My poor D. I will look after her I promise you. I have always tried to give her double the love any mother could give. I have tried to be positive but I wish to God that I had seen my own personal light before 2011 and believe that there was a way i could be apart from My H without him having visitation and taking the kids away from my protection - even for the weekend.

 

I have been betweent he Devil and the deep blue sea.

 

But, I have to build D up now. Prob my son realises his dad is an idiot too.

 

Its going to be another tough year and I am not looking forward to the tremendous stresses ahead. I have family members who told me to "Go back to your husband, you knew what he was like when you married him" and family who have said "Marriage is for life" and "Oh he is a new man....wonderful".

 

When your family members tell you that, I think it'd be good to tell them that a healthy and good marriage where a husband truly loves his wife is for life, but a marriage where the husband has abused his wife and is verbally attacking his daughter hurts life. An ideal marriage centers on Love, not on abuse.

 

When your family members tell you, oh but he's changed, I think you need to tell them that change takes time and you would like to see if he has truly changed. I recommend finding information to give your family concerning the cycles abusers go through, of abusing, then asking forgiveness and "changing", then abusing again. This cycle shows that the abuser hasn't truly repented but is rather trying to do "damage control."

 

I think you need to stand up for yourself and kindly yet firmly stand up for your right to separate from him and not live with him for at least a year while you observe his behavior. I also think you need to talk to a lawyer and fight to especially make sure that your daughter does not have "alone time" with him. From what you have written, we are very worried about her.

 

How he treats her makes me furious. My Dad never ever ever said to me what he has said to her. My Dad has always told me he loves me and called me beautiful and intelligent and has always been there for me. Even when he doesn't agree with me, he always treats me with kindness and respect. I think it'd be good to demand that he go to parent classes at church or in the community before you even consider going on a date with him. That's right... a date... and again, I recommend taking at least a year to not date and just focus on healing and on your kids.

 

The pressures have been immense. I feel like a one legged woman about to try and climb a mountain. But I have to climb that mountain for my childrens sake and there will be a great view at the top.

 

Bless you x

 

You can do it!!! We are rooting for you and we want for you and your children to be happy and healthy and NOT ABUSED anymore!!!

 

Blessings and hugs!!!

[Eve]

Then speak to parents and tell them that things are not working out and its over. They can support their son. I can send his stuff over. Sell this house I am in. Tell the kids that we are separated. And just stay strong and don't let anyone convince me that I really SHOULD be with my husband and marriage really is FOR LIFE.

 

 

Good plan.

 

The giving of your heart in a relationship is a gift so don't give it cheaply within any silly arguments with this man. He will never admit when he is in the wrong. Your daughter fully knows this. I think your son may have a problem or too in adjusting though.. keep an eye on him.

 

Try and have a specific thing that you do with each of your children as a means of helping them to express how they are feeling during the transition phase and please look after yourself.

 

New times are ahead!

 

Chin up!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[jennaflorrie]

OK Deed done. He is with his parents and will stay there. He wasn't too upset, he accepted that he had done wrong, he admitted it was his fault. He said he will stay with his parents while I have counselling and we go together to joint counselling. His parents are fine with him staying at their house. I feel relieved. My children have been told that we are living apart.

[jennaflorrie]

TaraMaiden.

 

<3 <3 <3

 

I'm not surprised your avatar used to be Xena. (sp?)

 

 

<3 <3 <3

 

Yup....! >D

 

 

 

I really, really hope not.

 

Really. I sooooo hope not.....

 

See, looking at this thread on the face of it, we sound flippant and matter-of-fact.

But behind this screen sits a woman who is about to completely overhaul her life after trying so hard to hold it all together perfectly.

She's tried to do right by everyone, for everyone...

And it's nearly broken her.

 

(She only has one leg.....! )

 

Seriously though - Jenna, it's time to do this for yourself.

 

You don't have to be the duct tape that keeps it all bundled neatly....

Let go, and be strong.

 

And we really hope you can do this, and are behind you all the way....

 

One legged woman took the ski lift up to the top of the mountain

and the view is good.

[TaraMaiden]

OK Deed done. He is with his parents and will stay there. He wasn't too upset, he accepted that he had done wrong, he admitted it was his fault. He said he will stay with his parents while I have counselling and we go together to joint counselling. His parents are fine with him staying at their house. I feel relieved. My children have been told that we are living apart.

 

I'm kinda glad, but.....

 

Why the counselling?

What's the point?

I thought this was a move towards finally ditching this arsehole.....

[BetheButterfly]

I'm kinda glad, but.....

 

Why the counselling?

What's the point?

I thought this was a move towards finally ditching this arsehole.....

 

I don't know about in Jenna's case, but in some places in the USA, counseling is recommended before getting a divorce.

[Eve]

OK Deed done. He is with his parents and will stay there. He wasn't too upset, he accepted that he had done wrong, he admitted it was his fault. He said he will stay with his parents while I have counselling and we go together to joint counselling. His parents are fine with him staying at their house. I feel relieved. My children have been told that we are living apart.

 

I would say it may be good to include the children in family therapy sessions also. I say this because it may be that you become helpless when H is compliant. This can be a common issue where there has been long term emotional abuse so I do not say this to shame you or make you feel like you should just kick H out. Usually these sorts are very smooth and can lie right in the face of someone who is weak to them. H'mmm, it would be good for the counsellor to have opportunity to see for herself what the true dynamics are within the family. Verification from an outside body may be what you need here, or maybe the counsellor will help you to accept your willingness to stay with H, regardless off how he presents. I have seen many relationships like that - it's just a private matter off how two people have come to communicate, nothing else. Every now and then it boils over but by and large the couple are actually well suited in temperament

 

I wish you well and hope that things turn out well for you all. I would be most eager that the children have chance to express what they have experienced so they may receive further support if so needed - looking out for the next generation and all that.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 9, 2013 by Eve

[jennaflorrie]

I suggested counselling, to keep things as calm as possible. We have all been through enough turmoil. Once H is used to being Out of the house....I will prob just avoid the joint counselling, just get counselling for myself and D and that will just prob re affirm that the marriage is dead.

 

H may well think that the marriage is salvable.......but I am aiming to readjust his thinking in the longer haul.....like I said, keep things calm.

[GorillaTheater]

I think your making the right choice, and although I glossed over this point in my other post, I have to ask what your plans are regarding the other man.

 

You know what I'm likely to suggest, right?

[TaraMaiden]

I suggested counselling, to keep things as calm as possible. We have all been through enough turmoil. Once H is used to being Out of the house....I will prob just avoid the joint counselling, just get counselling for myself and D and that will just prob re affirm that the marriage is dead.

 

H may well think that the marriage is salvable.......but I am aiming to readjust his thinking in the longer haul.....like I said, keep things calm.

 

Ooooh, you izz "mountain-top" thinkin' gurl!!

Gotcha!

 

Brilliant strategy, I'm glad I suggested it!!

 

:lmao:

[Eve]

I suggested counselling, to keep things as calm as possible. We have all been through enough turmoil. Once H is used to being Out of the house....I will prob just avoid the joint counselling, just get counselling for myself and D and that will just prob re affirm that the marriage is dead.

 

H may well think that the marriage is salvable.......but I am aiming to readjust his thinking in the longer haul.....like I said, keep things calm.

 

 

Lay it all out on the table with the counsellor and explore the options. Counselling is a journey. I would strongly advise including your son as well as your daughter and please do not shy away from joint counselling if at any time you or the counsellor feel it could be beneficial.

 

One day at a time and all that.

 

Well done for making a decision and seeing it through. Make sure you are looking after yourself and live now, in the moment, even though things are not perfect. Woman to woman - be careful not to get dehydrated and stay away from the biscuits/any form off comfort eating.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[jennaflorrie]

I think your making the right choice, and although I glossed over this point in my other post, I have to ask what your plans are regarding the other man.

 

You know what I'm likely to suggest, right?

What are you likely to suggest????

[GorillaTheater]

What are you likely to suggest????

 

That you put the kabosh on that relationship as well so that you can approach your life and what's left of your marriage situation with a clear head.

 

That, and the ethical angle. I think you every right to end this marriage. Being in a relationship with another man, particularly when you haven't even filed for divorce yet, is flat-out wrong in my book. And I suspect yours as well.

[jennaflorrie]

That you put the kabosh on that relationship as well so that you can approach your life and what's left of your marriage situation with a clear head.

 

That, and the ethical angle. I think you every right to end this marriage. Being in a relationship with another man, particularly when you haven't even filed for divorce yet, is flat-out wrong in my book. And I suspect yours as well.

 

But I fell in love with him. Head over heels. Not felt this way since I was 21 lol

[jennaflorrie]

How do you switch off your heart? How do you stop loving someone you love? To be dead, to be stone, cold dead......and to have your heart banged into life....CPR....and all of a sudden, you are alive....you are in love....the stars are bright...the sky is blue....the world is better and happier and lovely, because of Love. You are married still, but the marriage died.......you are tied by formality and laws that no longer apply. Because you were dead but this man, this amazing....lovely man brought you to life.

 

Now, how do I switch off that? I am as alive to him as I am dead to my husband.

[TaraMaiden]

Jenna, any emotional response to this guy is going to cloud your reasoning and common sesne.

 

Your desire to be with him will adversely affect your rationale;

Much as it may hurt right now, you need to put your cards on the table and tell him this is a difficult time for you now.

You have to think straight and cannot allow distractions to your heart to pull you in different directions.

 

If he loves you - he will understand, be supportive, and wait.

 

But you cannot rush headlong into one thing, before being sensible and dealing with another.

 

I know it hurts, believe me, I understand.

Ever fibre of your body wants to be with him, but you have to try to take a step back from the reckless brink.....

 

Nobody's asking you to 'switch your heart off'.... But it might be wise to put it on 'stand-by'.....

[jennaflorrie]

He won't wait. He is probably lonely and looking for someone, some girl will hit on him and he will be off.

 

I have lost and loved before.......cos I was way too slow.....and shy. I stopped believing in Love and thats how I got involved with my H. I thought well, I don't really love him madly, but so what??? Mad love gets you no where.

 

So you see......after sooooo long, to feel like this, when I never thought I would...ever again.....and then to just ignore it. Hoping he will wait, but knowing that when you wait someone else steps in. Well, that is tough.

 

I know I must calm down. Wait. But I am afraid to wait, because when I am ready he wont be there any more. I stopped belieivng in romance a long time ago. I told people in my circle it was rubbish. I stopped reading romantic books, I scoffed at rom coms. I just thought "What a load of rubbish no such thing", then WHAM....this guy ignites my heart when I am least expecting it.

 

Difficult to turn my back? Yes. I am afraid that when I turn back around he will have gone and my previous ideas about the unlikeliness of true love was accurate after all. But I know that I have to CALM right down.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm kinda glad, but.....

 

Why the counselling?

What's the point?

I thought this was a move towards finally ditching this arsehole.....

 

My marital counselor, whom we haven't been back to in awhile, would also be someone we would use to adjust to co-parenting should the need arise, to transition our daughter as seemlessly and without conflict as possible.

[dreamingoftigers]

How do you switch off your heart? How do you stop loving someone you love? To be dead, to be stone, cold dead......and to have your heart banged into life....CPR....and all of a sudden, you are alive....you are in love....the stars are bright...the sky is blue....the world is better and happier and lovely, because of Love. You are married still, but the marriage died.......you are tied by formality and laws that no longer apply. Because you were dead but this man, this amazing....lovely man brought you to life.

 

Now, how do I switch off that? I am as alive to him as I am dead to my husband.

 

He won't wait. He is probably lonely and looking for someone, some girl will hit on him and he will be off.

 

I have lost and loved before.......cos I was way too slow.....and shy. I stopped believing in Love and thats how I got involved with my H. I thought well, I don't really love him madly, but so what??? Mad love gets you no where.

 

So you see......after sooooo long, to feel like this, when I never thought I would...ever again.....and then to just ignore it. Hoping he will wait, but knowing that when you wait someone else steps in. Well, that is tough.

 

I know I must calm down. Wait. But I am afraid to wait, because when I am ready he wont be there any more. I stopped belieivng in romance a long time ago. I told people in my circle it was rubbish. I stopped reading romantic books, I scoffed at rom coms. I just thought "What a load of rubbish no such thing", then WHAM....this guy ignites my heart when I am least expecting it.

 

Difficult to turn my back? Yes. I am afraid that when I turn back around he will have gone and my previous ideas about the unlikeliness of true love was accurate after all. But I know that I have to CALM right down.

 

:facepalm:

 

Don't run into another relationship!

[Eve]

He won't wait. He is probably lonely and looking for someone, some girl will hit on him and he will be off.

 

I have lost and loved before.......cos I was way too slow.....and shy. I stopped believing in Love and thats how I got involved with my H. I thought well, I don't really love him madly, but so what??? Mad love gets you no where.

 

So you see......after sooooo long, to feel like this, when I never thought I would...ever again.....and then to just ignore it. Hoping he will wait, but knowing that when you wait someone else steps in. Well, that is tough.

 

I know I must calm down. Wait. But I am afraid to wait, because when I am ready he wont be there any more. I stopped belieivng in romance a long time ago. I told people in my circle it was rubbish. I stopped reading romantic books, I scoffed at rom coms. I just thought "What a load of rubbish no such thing", then WHAM....this guy ignites my heart when I am least expecting it.

 

Difficult to turn my back? Yes. I am afraid that when I turn back around he will have gone and my previous ideas about the unlikeliness of true love was accurate after all. But I know that I have to CALM right down.

 

I would say that such thinking is symptomatic of a need to please/need for someone to please you, rather than being borne of love.

 

There is no rush.

 

It is better to conclude what you are going through rather than numb yourself with the idea of another love. I believe that we have many potential loves and I do believe that we have a higher love available to us too. At the end of the day, if this is real he will be there for you appropriately if you draw that line. For you to not draw that line suggests that you are willing to take what others give you, rather than discern matters for yourself.

 

I don't think it will go well with the children though and is certainly a very poor role model to be providing to them - especially your daughter. Your son may side yet more with his Dad too.

 

Mention all this to the counsellor before you get caught up in the whirl wind of butterflies and excitement. I would urge you to make decisions without such a distraction being present because it is the adult, responsible thing to do... but it is your choice.

 

Take care,

Eve x