Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[TaraMaiden]

He won't wait. He is probably lonely and looking for someone, some girl will hit on him and he will be off

 

You're making negative assumptions here and fearing the worst. You don't know this for sure. Why be so convinced of something that may never happened?

Have you spoken to him at all to discuss this?

 

I have lost and loved before.......cos I was way too slow.....and shy. I stopped believing in Love and thats how I got involved with my H. I thought well, I don't really love him madly, but so what??? Mad love gets you no where.

Isn't agreeing to marry a man when you're not in love with him, even more crazy - ? You get that now.... right?

 

So you see......after sooooo long, to feel like this, when I never thought I would...ever again.....and then to just ignore it. Hoping he will wait, but knowing that when you wait someone else steps in. Well, that is tough.

Did i say 'ignore it?? Where have I said that??

 

I know I must calm down. Wait. But I am afraid to wait, because when I am ready he wont be there any more. I stopped belieivng in romance a long time ago. I told people in my circle it was rubbish. I stopped reading romantic books, I scoffed at rom coms. I just thought "What a load of rubbish no such thing", then WHAM....this guy ignites my heart when I am least expecting it.

Tell him that. And if he feels the same way, he will understand - and wait.

If he doesn't, then he was messing with you, and not worth it anyway.....

 

Difficult to turn my back? Yes. I am afraid that when I turn back around he will have gone and my previous ideas about the unlikeliness of true love was accurate after all. But I know that I have to CALM right down.

 

yes, you do. And what others have counselled too, is right - he may be your soft place to fall and getting involved in another relationship, before you've completely closed the previous one, is a hugely foolish thing to do.

 

You have to try to be a little rational here.

[jennaflorrie]

I have talked to him on the phone 8 weeks ago. He didnt give anything away. When I said he could unfriend me from FB if he wanted to. He said "ohhhh we'll see how things go".

 

He never admitted anything to me on the phone romantic wise, he just listened. He was kind enough. But he knew I was with my H.

 

He hasnt talked to me since. I watched that film "Its Complicated" last night. And I found myself identifying!

 

I cannot message him.....running after him.....I have done a lot of messaging...its his turn. When I next speak to him...if I do....then I will bring things up into the conversation.

 

But desperation turns a man off....lol...

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Eve]

I have talked to him on the phone 8 weeks ago. He didnt give anything away. When I said he could unfriend me from FB if he wanted to. He said "ohhhh we'll see how things go".

 

He never admitted anything to me on the phone romantic wise, he just listened. He was kind enough. But he knew I was with my H.

 

He hasnt talked to me since. I watched that film "Its Complicated" last night. And I found myself identifying!

 

I cannot message him.....running after him.....I have done a lot of messaging...its his turn. When I next speak to him...if I do....then I will bring things up into the conversation.

 

But desperation turns a man off....lol...

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I would love a happy ending for you but I must admit to finding much comfort in practical evidence of affection. With this in mind, if you are to speak further with this man, I would suggest testing him out.

 

Have you heard of the term mirroring?

 

Many people simply reflect back what we are saying. This may seem at first as though there is a connection but it is blind aggreement to get the other person to lead, then they follow. Watch your interactions. I say this because I see you as being pretty vulnerable right now and this man could be running a bit off a numbers game where he simply lets women lead and he fills in the gaps and sees what turns up.

 

I mean, 8 weeks without contact is a long time.. and he seems pretty guarded to me.

 

Be mindful off this and stay in your own reality foremostly. Many people nowadays are opportunists. Nothing more.

 

May I ask if Is this other male a Christian?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[trippi1432]

Jenna - I do want to implore you that you take the proper time to heal from the abuse in the relationship and work on helping your children heal from it too. This man is NOT going to make everything you and your children have been through, magically disappear.

 

Your heart is looking for a place to land, it's been closed for so long...and now it wants to open up and fly free. I know that firsthand in my own situation. And I will tell you what I found over 3 years out from my exH....the place my heart needed to land was right here with me. You are going to need that to help you and your children heal, especially your daughter.

 

I do hope that you will think with your head....and not in what way you need to keep this man in your life, think with your head on what is the right thing to do for you and the children right now. You took one step to reclaim your life and make a safer place....give yourself that for now. Everything else will fall in place if it's meant to be, but you have to get your life first before that will ever happen.

 

Look, you are already contemplating that he won't be around, that you don't want to appear desperate, that you shouldn't chase him.....none of these thoughts show that you are anywhere near jumping into another relationship. And you will find that out when your children get drug along into this new "reality" with you. Do yourself and your children a huge favor, get all of you into family therapy and heal the wounds that the past abuse has caused. Be honest with yourself and open your heart to YOU first. That will take you from this vulnerable state you are in to a confident and healthy woman capable of having a responsible relationship with a man, yourself and your children.

[CopingGal]

Why are you leaving in July? Leave now.

[jennaflorrie]

Hello.

 

shame on me I let my Husband worm his way back in...with tears and promises of love and affection and guilt trips.

 

Needless to say...I made a mistake.

 

This morning, when he vented at his daughter - knocking her down, when he should have been building her up.. I finally snapped.

 

I told him, when kids weren't around, that it was never going to work.

 

Told him to move back in with his mum and DAd.

 

He just said "OK". He went off to work and he is not due back until Monday. But, I have already packed his suitcases and have them ready at the door, to take over to his mum and dads where he is staying while he works.

 

I am dreading going over there tomorrow and seeing him and his mum and dad. The feelings of guilt just wash over me. But I have to think of my daughter now and ME.

 

Must stay strong this time. No going back!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Hello.

 

shame on me I let my Husband worm his way back in...with tears and promises of love and affection and guilt trips.

 

Needless to say...I made a mistake.

 

This morning, when he vented at his daughter - knocking her down, when he should have been building her up.. I finally snapped.

 

I told him, when kids weren't around, that it was never going to work.

 

Told him to move back in with his mum and DAd.

 

He just said "OK". He went off to work and he is not due back until Monday. But, I have already packed his suitcases and have them ready at the door, to take over to his mum and dads where he is staying while he works.

 

I am dreading going over there tomorrow and seeing him and his mum and dad. The feelings of guilt just wash over me. But I have to think of my daughter now and ME.

 

Must stay strong this time. No going back!!!!

 

I for one am glad that you came back to this thread.

 

It shows a sense of acknowledgment of the cycle you are in and trying to break it.

 

If you can't seem to break it yourself, make sure that you get outside helps and supports.

 

Often in an abusive relationship, women become very isolated. Their husband is often their only friend so it is very easy to look back and remember the "good times" or how they were there for you that time you stubbed your toe or whatever.

 

It is okay to appreciate that your abuser husband has some good qualities. But honestly, his behaviour is toxic and brownies are great, but lacing them with cyanide makes them something else entirely.

[jennaflorrie]

Thanks for not beating me up for my caving in. He is away at work...the house is quiet....the cases are still at the door.....I feel guilt wash over me....and yes, the brownies laced with cyanide are still poison.

 

I dread telling Hubby tomorrow that its definitely over and I wasn't having just some hissy fit.

 

I dread seeing his mum and dads faces and feeling pain that I feel I am causing them.

 

My son has his dad for good things...football, laughing etc.

 

My H works. He has tried to change. Oh dear, the guilt. Am I doing the right thing...should I hold on??? what if I am making a mistake? I am getting older, will I live to regret this ONE person who is there for me...OK he isn't perfect, but he is trying to change. Should I help him to change? What will life be like without him? No one to talk to in the house...no one to change the tyre on the care. No one to ring Sky TV and sort it out.

 

My dad will look at me as though I have failed. The marriage covenant is sacred and till death in his eyes. My family....will look at me differently. Suddenly, it all becomes too difficult, too hard. Should I stay....keep the familiar...put up with the odd curse word.....is it me???? should I have been better???

 

Doubt more doubt. What have I done? Telling my sister my marriage is over!!! What have I done? I should have stayed calm...I should have told H later on that what he did was not right. I should have talked to him.

 

Doubts upon doubts. Fears of the future without him, fears of a future with him.

 

But there is my D....upstairs. Damaged. Because of him. She doesn't like her dad. Wishes he wasn't her dad.

 

Then there are the YEARS and YEARS of abuse!!! Sure he is sorry! I forgive, but I cannot forget! The trust has GONE. When he goes upstairs to talk to his D I stand at the bottom of the stairs and listen. I worry when I go to work..."Will he nag her, will he put her down"?

 

So, I have no choice. But to bite the bullet. Because I have to choose God and my child.

 

My S and D are old enough to see their dad whenever they want

 

But I am dreading the next few days.

[TaraMaiden]

You have so much courage... What you fear doing, is breaking the habit.

 

he is NOT wonderful.

he is NOT charming.

He is NOT there for you, and supportive of you, loving, kind or generous.

 

he is useful.

He has his moments.

But they're few and far between, and he is not constant, honest or determined.

He's spineless, and is making no effort. Trying to change, is not the same as changing.

He falls back into old habits, too fast and too frequently.

 

And if you take him back, his effort will diminish and reduce to zero.

 

You don't need to prolong this for any more time than you need.

Just take his stuff.

Tell him/them that you HAVE FILED, and then, when you come back home - do so.

[jennaflorrie]

Its that Stockholm Syndrome thing....feeling sorry for my captor. I am just too soft.

 

But the suitcases are packed and I am not unpacking them.

 

I have felt tortured about all this for too long.

 

Yes you are right. Tell him, then file.

 

Feeling very scared...will tell him tomorrow and his mum and dad...driving one hour to the in laws house....H will be asleep prob from working night before, will hand over the suitcases...tell H, awake or half awake...that the cases are there and I am DONE. Then off I go home. Sounds so easy.

 

Will be back here tomorrow. Pray I have the courage to do what I have to do. For my daughter for me. And my Son can see his dad any time he likes as my son is now 16

[2sunny]

It will only seem better after some time has passed and you realize that fear isn't part of your daily life any longer.

 

It may seem odd (and might seem boring) but it's not!

 

Hopefully you can reprogram your thoughts that you never deserved that and should never put up with it again.

[jennaflorrie]

Well thanks for the support and advice. But, I just cannot do it.

 

I told my H 3 days ago that it was over, he sat on the settee looking distraught....."No, please....I love this family" and "No,.......you are breaking my heart...." he looked like a little boy...totally upset....he kept saying "No, come on...come on......please...." I told him I was upset the way he spoke to his D and he said with his head in his hands "Well, that's just it...she needs me...I know that...."

 

I just could not do the final kick. He has tried to change....and changed for the positive. He went up to his D room and hugged her...last night, he took his D and S out to the cinema....he took his S out to football today and has been trying so hard to please and make HIS family work.

 

Call me weak, call me a fool...but I swear I just couldn't do it! Take away my S father and if my H can buld a relationship with his D that is positive...than that would be wonderful.

 

Just seeing him in front of me like that....almost begging for his family. I couldn't kick him down........later he told me he would be destroyed if anything happened to us. He said it would be the end of him.

 

I just cant do it.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

Another member and I bet that you wouldn't be able to carry it through.

Thank god it wasn't real money, or I'd be penniless by now.

 

Blah blah blah blah blah.

 

If you get taken in so easily by his words, then you're more easily manipulated than I gave you credit for.

I honestly thought you held your daughter in higher esteem than that.

Seems you value his words al lot more than his actions.

 

I'm sure she'll thank you for that in future.

 

Sorry, but this stinks.

 

I'm out of here.

[jennaflorrie]

I know it sounds pathetic. But H has changed and he is really trying to build a relationship with his daughter. He was literally begging...on his knees....and his Son would end up blaming ME if anything bad happened to his Dad. I could exchange one set of problems for another.

 

H is determined that he will be that different man...a better man....I told him "If you are mucking about I will find out and you will be out" but he says "No, I am not that good an actor!"

 

There is no going back to the bad old days. No. And if he hurts my child he hurts me. He knows that too and admits totally and takes responsibility for all he has done bad.

 

But he wants to be a new man. And that is his aim. He is repentant and his actions have backed up his words.....I have the upper hand now...he knows that, he knows that I will not put up with bull!"£$ anymore.

[jennaflorrie]

Really, can't do it? Remember writing this?

 

"My husband of 22 years was controlling, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, physically abusive. He would switch from nice and loving to nasty and controlling very quickly. Physical abuse involved, pulling hair, punching, kicking, throwing things. Verbal abuse.....swearing, putting me down. In between....he was charming, kind....loving. One day 2011 - Ifelt my heart die for him. DEAD. I realise now, why abused women keep snapping back - like elastic. Boing. boing. Until one day there is NOTHING. "

 

If you can't leave for yourself, how about being an example to your children about not taking crap from an abusive person, especially one you're married to.

 

SMH

 

 

True. But my Son could end up hating ME if I kicked his dad out and then he shrivelled up and died. He is the father of my kids and he wants to make amend to them too not just to me. I know what you are saying though. But no more crap off him. I do mean that. I KNOW that. And I will be watching him.....trust will take a while to come....

[GorillaTheater]

I hope it works out for you, Jenna. Cut him no slack on his treatment of you and the kids.

 

I trust the other man is still out of your life?

[jennaflorrie]

I hope it works out for you, Jenna. Cut him no slack on his treatment of you and the kids.

 

I trust the other man is still out of your life?

 

I unfriended him from FB 2 weeks ago. He didn't try and get in touch.

 

Thanks for your support. I wont cut him any slack.....but he really wants to prove himself and he really wants to keep his family.

 

God is my judge at the end of the day. I just want to do the right thing. But there will be no compromise with me of my children and I will not go back to those dark days.

[jennaflorrie]

Well hubby back from working away - he was gone for 5 days and I didn't miss him, the kids didn't ask for him and there was a different atmosphere in the house.

 

One good friend of mine has told me that in my mind I have already left H and I just need to find the strength to leave.

 

My friend said that the way he behaved when I told him last week that the marriage was over was just emotional blackmail.

 

I do want to break free from him. I feel he is just using me....as his mummy to look after him, he says he loves me but too much has happened in the past!

 

S is on important sport trials....till middle of July. I will tell H after that.

 

I know, I know....I should do it now, but I don't want to feel guilty if my Sons trials go wrong!

 

I am going to do this. Its difficult. I am too soft. But my marriage died.

[TaraMaiden]

Well hubby back from working away - he was gone for 5 days and I didn't miss him, the kids didn't ask for him and there was a different atmosphere in the house.

What does that tell you?

See? Even your SON didn't ask for him....

You seem to believe there is a stronger connection between your son and his father than there actually is.

If it's as strong as you maintain, then the separation won't hurt him half as much as you seem to believe it will...

 

One good friend of mine has told me that in my mind I have already left H and I just need to find the strength to leave.

What - you mean, like we've been telling you?

 

My friend said that the way he behaved when I told him last week that the marriage was over was just emotional blackmail.

I completely agree. it's basically what I put to you in my last post: You've allowed yourself to be manipulated.

 

I do want to break free from him. I feel he is just using me....as his mummy to look after him, he says he loves me but too much has happened in the past!

You have to want to break free from him ENOUGH to leave.

And if you know he's a manipulative user, you need to really want to leave him badly enough.

 

S is on important sport trials....till middle of July. I will tell H after that.

I know, I know....I should do it now, but I don't want to feel guilty if my Sons trials go wrong!

Oh look I'm sorry, but please stop taking all the blame for the consequences!If your son's 'trials' go wrong, he is to blame, not you! If he wasn't as hopeless and bullying a jerk as he is, then this wouldn't be happening!

Your son's trials may still go wrong (I obviously hope they don't!) but if they should - there is no blame for you to take on! Just as there wouldn't be if you acted now!

 

I am going to do this. Its difficult. I am too soft. But my marriage died.

You'll naturally forgive me I hope, when I say "I'll believe it when I see it...." still, it's not long now until Mid-July!

[jennaflorrie]

Ill believe it when I see it too!

 

Yes Mid July isn't far.

 

Weird, sooooo weird that my son didn't ask for his dad in 5 days. I go out of the house for 5 minutes and I can hear them say "where is mum?"

 

Telling my friend today about some of the things from the past....how I didn't know H was coming on holiday with me and the kids(when they were little) until literally we were leaving. He would play mind games "No I am not coming on holiday there...its rubbish" And then as I am leaving, car packed up to go on holiday...he stands there on the drive looking sad and sorry...so we wait while he hurries to pack his things!

 

How on a holiday one year...he moaned about the accommodation....made me take him (kids in the back) to the train station to find out how much a ticket would be home....then after 20 minutes comes out to us...sitting in the car...says "No, I'll stay"

 

I thought about these incidents and more and thought .....I have been like some war victim...mentally played with....like some Russian roulette game of the mind!

 

He came back today and when I asked my Son "Do you want me or your Dad to take you tomorrow (sports thing) " He said "I don't mind, long as I get there".

 

Got to break free. This marriage is dead. I just don't want to be with him any more!!!

[TaraMaiden]

You know what your problem is?

You weaken when you're with him.

The thing to do is either to tell him at a distance - or better still have someone with you to help give you moral courage.

 

You need a back-up system that will not permit you to weaken.

because one thing seems patently clear: You can't seem to do this on your own.

 

Why is that?

[jennaflorrie]

Since he has been back I have felt myself weaken. "Oh he isn't too bad, he loves me so much".....my thoughts go along that way. But this morning my Son didn't want to go to the Sports trial.. Said he felt exhausted and achy...he was telling me not his dad. His dad was due to take him today. His dad was very good with him...said it was up to him, that he loved him no matter what....he said all the right things....just wonder if the 'atmosphere' having changed has affected my son, because yesterday before his dad came back he was tired....because it IS hard work...anyway, he has gone to the sports trial with his dad with the promise of tomorrow off!

 

Why do I weaken? Control.....manipulations.....when he is away I feel differently?? When he is away I can see the wood for the trees......

 

He has been very nice to me....making coffee, tidying up, saying all the right things. He is desperate to keep this family and to make amends for the past. But, when he is away, I see clearly that I am married in name only. I don't miss him and I don't need him. Its just him that seems desperately to need me!

[TaraMaiden]

There's your problem right there.

He's abusing your good nature, and making you believe he needs you.

 

He's dependent on you, he has to have you around.

 

That's Bull.

Total Bull.

 

No human every physically, emotionally or mentally needs or depends on another human for their continued existence except a wee babe-in-arms.

 

He's NOT a baby.

He's a fully grown individual with a perfectly functioning brain between his ears.

And he knows precisely which one of your buttons to push, and which chain to yank, to bring you to your knees and make you believe he would crumble to dust without you.

Well he won't.

He has a perfectly good support system in his parents - with whom he 'lives' as well.

 

He doesn't NEED you.

He needs you to be present to bully, abuse and mess around with.

He needs a victim.

And up to now, you've fitted the bill, perfectly.

 

And guess what? he has a victim in your daughter too.

Because you've allowed it.

You can protest all you like, but he has turned on her and is doing the same to her.

 

He's a chauvinistic jerk and he's playing his cards exactly as you're dealing them to him.

For him to win, and you and your daughter, to lose.

 

Every time.

Edited July 9, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[jennaflorrie]

Yes that's true. He knows just what to say. Maybe he feels he does need me, maybe he is used to having me around, but he has had a year nearly of living apart from us for half the time....he has his mum and dad he has a good job and yes...he CAN think and live a life apart from me.

 

Too much has happened. I still remember him telling me in 2003 that "I wish you would F die....I would F dance on your grave"

 

I still remember the way he ruined...holidays...days out - one day out in 2002 - he ranted and raved....and for no reason at all...told me to F,..off F.... off.....F this F that! for no reason.

 

Its all there in my memory. He likes to remember the good times....when we separated last April - he sent me a card and it detailed all the good memories that HE had! I could have filled a book with the bad memories I had.

 

I just have to be brave and do this.

 

On Friday he is off to work...my son is off for the weekend. I will get the suitcases (again) and this time I will take them down Sat morning and drop them off at his mum and dads house while he is at work. Then I will ring him at work and tell him what I have done. I will leave a letter for him at the house. That way I don't have to see his face begging me to stay!!!

 

OK......here we go again.

[almond]

Make it final.

 

It's not too late to set a good example for your children - display the strength you wish for them to have in life.

 

See a counselor (non-religious if possible, due to possible bias re: ideals about marriage/divorce and such).

 

Keep an eye on your children also - this will have had some sort of effect on them.

 

Work on yourself and grow into someone who your children can depend on and feel secure with. Someone they can turn to for advice, reassurance, stability and love. Grow into the strongest woman you possibly can. Strive for this continually, for both yourself as well as your children.