Abused 22 years, then he changed.

[BetheButterfly]

Too much has happened. I still remember him telling me in 2003 that "I wish you would F die....I would F dance on your grave"

 

I still remember the way he ruined...holidays...days out - one day out in 2002 - he ranted and raved....and for no reason at all...told me to F,..off F.... off.....F this F that! for no reason.

 

I am so sorry. That is indeed NOT loving of him to do. :(

 

Its all there in my memory. He likes to remember the good times....when we separated last April - he sent me a card and it detailed all the good memories that HE had! I could have filled a book with the bad memories I had.

 

I just have to be brave and do this.

Yes. I think it's time to let go. The marriage is dead. While some marriages can be resurrected, not all of them should be resurrected!

 

On Friday he is off to work...my son is off for the weekend. I will get the suitcases (again) and this time I will take them down Sat morning and drop them off at his mum and dads house while he is at work. Then I will ring him at work and tell him what I have done. I will leave a letter for him at the house. That way I don't have to see his face begging me to stay!!!

 

OK......here we go again.

Be strong. Hugs. You need to be away from him in order to heal from all he did to you and your kids.

[jennaflorrie]

Thank you....for the hugs and good wishes.

 

H is here with me now. He has been sooooooo soooooo good. Walking the dog, feeding the cat, making me coffee. "Oh you look so tired" he tells me.

 

He looks tired, worn out. I almost feel sorry for him. For contemplating and planning the abandonment of him. Poor thing...that is how he wants me to feel when I look at him.

 

I am his mummy, he has little interests outside of us....how will he cope without us.....? His voice is soft and kind and its easy (almost!) to forget the way he would snarl at me at the slightest thing. The way he pushed me up against the sink and gripped me on our 20th anniversary (in front of our son).

 

Part of me feels sorry for him. Part of me though is getting stronger....desperate to leave, to be away from him.

 

Yes, I am an older woman....and I may end up alone, no man to help me change the tyre...no man to talk to on a winters evening. No one to cuddle up to and watch a film with. Those are the fear that are like shadows in my mind. But slowly the light is shining into my mind and eliminating those shadows. I can almost feel freedom.....taste freedom. I may end up alone for the rest of my life....but to stay in a dead marriage is not fair on anyone.

 

He is quiet.....desperate to keep me, clinging on to me like a parasite.

 

He has given me his years....his money......his time.....what a shame he didn't change sooner. Before my heart and this marriage went BHAM

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you....for the hugs and good wishes.

 

H is here with me now. He has been sooooooo soooooo good. Walking the dog, feeding the cat, making me coffee. "Oh you look so tired" he tells me.

 

He looks tired, worn out. I almost feel sorry for him. For contemplating and planning the abandonment of him. Poor thing...that is how he wants me to feel when I look at him.

Did he ever think of you, when you were tired and worn out by his irrascible and unpredictable moods? Did he feel sorry for you when he bullied and abused you?

 

 

I am his mummy, he has little interests outside of us....how will he cope without us.....? His voice is soft and kind and its easy (almost!) to forget the way he would snarl at me at the slightest thing. The way he pushed me up against the sink and gripped me on our 20th anniversary (in front of our son).

The tonal quality of voice is the manipulative aspect.... Our one and only Female Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, actually went through voice coaching to deepen her tones and create a persona worthy of greater respect. She lowered her voice tone to sound more manly, and spoke more softly (it makes people listen more intently).

 

Part of me feels sorry for him. Part of me though is getting stronger....desperate to leave, to be away from him.

I'm really, really praying for your sake and that of your kids, that this part gets much stronger, day by day.

 

Yes, I am an older woman....and I may end up alone, no man to help me change the tyre...no man to talk to on a winters evening. No one to cuddle up to and watch a film with. Those are the fear that are like shadows in my mind. But slowly the light is shining into my mind and eliminating those shadows. I can almost feel freedom.....taste freedom. I may end up alone for the rest of my life....but to stay in a dead marriage is not fair on anyone.

Learn to change your own tyres, and buy a dog.

The feeling of independence from being able to do your own things, and the love which comes unconditionally from a wonderful pet, more than make up for what you perceive you're going to lose.

 

He is quiet.....desperate to keep me, clinging on to me like a parasite.

I think you're finally getting it....

 

He has given me his years....his money......his time.....what a shame he didn't change sooner. Before my heart and this marriage went BHAM

 

... When what you really needed was love, understanding, companionship, equality and respect. Yeah, shame that.....

[jennaflorrie]

No Tara he didn't feel sorry for me did he? Or his daughter....4 years ago, she fell over rushing to go to the toilet (we were on a day out) he stood over her and said "So embarrassing....shall we leave her here...?" I was shocked, even though I had heard most things out of his cruel mouth. I told him off and he apologised to his D and hugged her. But it had been done and said. What kind of man would even SAY that to his daughter in the first place?

 

Today, soft voice again....he has taken S to sports again, he cleaned the fridge for me. Kissed me on the forehead as he was leaving. Then when he was sat in the car.....I could see his mouth mouthing "come on, come on" because S still in house....I could see he was getting angry (he didn't know I was watching him). Then H got v annoyed, left the car, and came in "COME ON, DONT PUSH YOUR LUCK, I AM DOING ALL THIS FOR YOU...." S in car with his dad as they drove away, didn't look too happy. This may not seem much, but I just don't trust him. And I cannot bear to hear him ranting now...just cant listen to ANY of it.

 

As he drove away, I thought "Yep, you are going.....you have GOT to go"

 

Interesting about Margaret Thatcher and the voice thing. The voice is so important. I already have a dog...lol....and yes, she is great company. Also have a cat.

 

I am looking to jump....dreading telling H because he will make me feel so guilty and needed....he will have desperation on his face....he will cling on to me and tell me he doesn't want anyone else but me. That he will be lost without me...that I am breaking his heart. I just cannot stand the thought of it.

 

But, he broke my heart and he broke this marriage. It died Nov 2011. That's that.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you have a good friend whom you trust, and who has your back?

Talk to them.

Tell them you need her help, to get this guy out of your life.

Pack all his things and tell him to go to his parent's house.

Go to court, file for D, whatever, but you have to find the moral strength and fibre to absolutely kick this guy to the kerb.

 

You see?

it's all a pretence.

In front of you he's sweet and loving. But when he believes he's out of sight, he reverts to type.

He can't control who he really is.

A bully.

Guilt trip - "I am doing all this for you"

 

So phukking what - !? A DAD DOES THIS FOR HIS KIDS!!

It's NORMAL!!

 

Jeesh, like he's making some huge ultimate sacrifice, or something!!

 

Please - at the soonest available opportunity, tell him to go! It's OVER!!

 

Go to a florist, buy a memorial wreath, and put a note on it.

 

Death of marriage: November 2011

 

R.I.P.

 

then leave it on his bags and baggage.

 

Outside the front door.

locked.

Edited July 10, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[jennaflorrie]

LOL hahahah Tara you made me laugh.....but you are SPOT ON.

 

He is a crafty, conniving, manipulating, parasitical, control-freak, lunatical, nutter!!!!

 

And he is goingggggggggggg.

 

Love the wreath thing....hahahahah....GOOD idea!

 

Ill call a friend....tell her what I am doing.

 

S is going on a football tournament this weekend, so he will be out of the way. H is working Friday, Sat, Sun, Mon. I am not working weekend, so I will take his bags up on Saturday to his parents house...one hour away from here. H finishes work at 7 and gets back at 7.30. I could tell him on the phone, or wait for him to get back, tell him, leave him his bags and drive off.....it will get emotional.

[TaraMaiden]

This is what you do:

Get a buddy to help pack all his stuff.

Cart it up to his mom and dad's.

Drop it off.

Tell them, to tell him to never bother coming back again. It's over, you're filing for D on Monday. Tell them you will communicate the name of your lawyer to him. But you no longer wish to speak to him in person, directly, unless there is a mediator present.

Go home.

Get the locks changed.

 

Monday: File for D and get a good lawyer.

But YOU call the shots, not the Lawyer.

Be fair, be right, but don't be cruel and don't be a push-over.

 

And above all, remember the most important thing you'll ever need to know:

 

NEVER, EVER let emotion drive your decisions.

 

Always be rational and business-like.

'Emotion' is for relationship discussion.

'Business-like and rational' is for the separation and divorce.

 

Don't let Emotion in where it has no business being.

[jennaflorrie]

H got Friday off, so he can take his S to the football practice.....so I don't have to worry....so thoughtful of him.

 

Saturday, H told me....that S has a big pre season match on. H has to work, but his dad will take S.

 

H has his birthday next week......maybe it would be better next weekend?? As then the match will be over, H birthday will be over....

[TaraMaiden]

jennaflorrie, you have to quit prevaricating and making out that what he does, has to do, or has coming up, is in the slightest bit important.

 

Those days are over.

You - put You, what you do, what you have to do, and what you have coming up - in top priority.

[jennaflorrie]

Just don't want to upset S when he could be close to getting into football league.

 

Really could be close.

 

But, just now......made tea....S and D arguing.....D said "Don't say that"...I said "What" H said "I said that sometimes you don't act nice"....D said "No you didn't, you said YOU are not nice" H looked fed up, put his head in his hands....all dramatic. He denied saying that....said he said "You act not nice sometimes" but again D said no...that he had said "You are not nice".

 

OK....off to work now. I obviously don't trust him as I am concerned what he will say to D when my back is turned. Will he blame her for causing tension between me and him....because he has done that. He has in the past told D "If me and your mum split, I will never talk to you again"

 

I really really want him to bugger off.

[TaraMaiden]

Do your kids know the full extent of what you intend to do?

have you actually discussed how you feel with them?

is this going to be a massive bombshell to them, or are you at least trying to keep them in the loop?

 

The reason I ask is that I made the mistake of never wanting to involve my kids at all - and my eldest daughter some time ago, expressed that she only wished I'd been more communicative, because she would have fully understood....

 

Kids can see the crap around them.

Kids can sense the toxicity, the malaise, the dissatisfaction.... kids hate it.

 

Have you at least spoken to your daughter about this?

She may prove to be an excellent go-between for your son, too.

 

I'm not saying you should expect her to be; but she could talk things over with him as sis-bro, in ways parents can't....

[jennaflorrie]

My. S. And. D. Don't get. On at all. There has been this dynamic where. H has been unkind to. D. And laughed at her with. S. D feels. He is just sucking up to his dad. I watched them together in. June this year......at a family party.....after the party....just. H. D. And. S. Were standing together in garden. I was in upstairs room. D was talking to her dad.....he and kept. Looking away....he gave her a weird. Look at one point. Then. S. Made some. Joking remark about his. Sister.....H. laughed with him. It seemed unkind.

Course in front of. Me he would appear concerned about. D.

 

I have discussed it with. D. She said it was up to me. She doesn't call her dad. Dad....she

Calls him by his first name!!! Last time I tried to kick him out.....I was packing his suitcases telling me. I was being. Hasty. And to be sure.

We're

Were you in an. Abusive. Marriage. Tara?

 

I just feel worn out. I'm a middle aged. Woman ...I have a man that loves me. I have the upper hand. But. I just can't forget the years of. Hurt.

[beach]

I can't see any reason to wait one minute longer.

 

There will always be events coming up for reasons to wait.

 

Stop thinking they are roadblocks and just do it. The only right time is NOW!

[TaraMaiden]

Were you in an. Abusive. Marriage. Tara?

Not my last one, no. Although I have BEEN in an abusive relationship.

There's no way that's ever going to happen to me again, though.

 

I just feel worn out. I'm a middle aged. Woman ...I have a man that loves me. I have the upper hand. But. I just can't forget the years of. Hurt.

Er, no...you DON'T have a man that loves you.

You have a man who uses you to bolster his own self-image, by manipulating you and using you - and your children - as power-sources.

The more you stay with him, the more power he gains by the control he believes he has over you.

 

You will only ever have the 'upper Hand' when you have definitely booted him out of your life.

 

Which will be any time now, right....?

[jennaflorrie]

Yes, any time soon.

 

 

Just as I thought....when I went to work last night, H talked to D. I asked her today "Did Dad tell you off yesterday, when I went to work....because you told me that he had said 'You are not nice' ? She said YES. But she refused to say WHAT he said. Definitely been intimidated by him. Though earlier she had been talking to him nicely in the kitchen and he made her some lunch....and he asked her if she wanted an icrecream from the shops......but is that just the front because I am around?

 

Just the fact that he waited until I had left the house for work, before telling D off for speaking up about what he said......just stinks!

 

He came upstairs and lay next to me, wrapping his arms around me. Kissed my face. Everything I say he does....he has his quiet voice.

 

Again, he looks desperate. And like he is so afraid of what is coming up.

 

But he is a parasite. He is clinging on to me.........but if he loved me so much how could he have done those things for all those years? And if he truly did change....then why did he mouth "I don't like you" at his daughter behind my back? Why did he tell her yesterday "You are not nice" but then deny it and say he said "You are not acting nice"? And why would he wait till I left the house before threatening Laura and telling her NOT to cause trouble...?? what he said, but I am guessing its along those lines...but D will NOT tell me. She just said "You know the truth, I know the truth"

 

I look at myself in the mirror and think.....I am too old for all this.....why cant I just be happy?? Who would want me now anyway? Will I end up being alone for the rest of my life? Will I regret doing this? He isn't unfaithful to me, he isn't abusive now......

 

Then I think.....maybe its a midlife crisis.

 

Then I think.....you know what, Maybe I WILL be alone for the rest of my life....but I was ALONE for 22 years so I will survive. By staying busy, by travelling....by so many things that can be done in this world.

[2sunny]

Just by staying - YOU are ALLOWING your D to be abused!

 

It's is YOUR job as her Mom to keep her safe and protected in her own home environment!

 

Get him out now!

 

He may think he's fooling you. But since he's still in old behavior with your D - that does not indicate you need to keep allowing it by having him in the home.

 

All he's done is pick a weaker link as his target. Your daughter!

 

Every perpetrator needs a victim. Since its no longer you - it is now your D.

 

You CAN put a stop to it...yet you think waiting will make something else happen. He's abusive! He continues to act abusive - it's just no longer you - but he's picked someone who can still be hurt through you = your daughter!

 

When are you going to stop this by throwing him out? It should be RIGHT NOW!!!

[jennaflorrie]

H has gone to football with S

 

He wanted to get tomorrow off too:sick: But they cannot spare him:laugh:

 

Saturday is D day! Because S will be at football match with his granddad - my H father - and H will be at work, that just leave his mum at home alone. Make it a little bit easier....when I take all H bags and drop them off at his parents house.

 

Will leave a letter for him, telling him in clear terms its over.

 

Will also text him before he gets home to say its over.

 

Then just have to stay strong.

 

I made a mistake taking him back April 2012. But that mistake wont be happening again. He is cruel to tell his own daughter that she is not nice and then make out she was lying when she complained....and then stated he said She was not acting nice. 1 - this shows that he knows how he SHOULD have worded it, which shows deliberate cruelty on his part. 2 - he tried to make out that SHE was lying to cover his own sorry ass.

 

Then 3 - to have a go at her when I had gone to work!! My daughter wont even tell me what he said to her! But I bet it was emotional guilt tripping "if me and your mum split up, it will be your fault and I will not forgive you" Yet HE was the one at fault for SAYING what he did in the first place!

 

He is not someone I want to spend even another week with. I know my son has important trials on and I don't want to disrupt that....but he has already trained with them 2 weeks and is playing a big match with them Saturday. They should know by now if they want him or not! Husband can still focus on his sons football and be with him.

 

This marriage is over. I got my shovel out and I am going to put it to rest.

 

6ft under my feet.

[jennaflorrie]

Well, can't finish it tomorrow.

 

H is taking S WITH him tomorrow, and S will stay at Grandparents until Tuesday when they will go together to watch a football match for H birthday.

 

Sons Grandad will take S to football match tomorrow.

 

So, no way can I go and dump all his stuff at his parents house and finish with him....while Son is staying there....and the football match on Tuesday is a team Son loves.....so if I cause major upset Son will blame me for ruining things.

 

It will have to wait until next weekend.

 

I was getting Psyched up.

 

Maybe God doesn't want me to go!!!!!!?

[2sunny]

The ONLY "right time" is NOW!

 

Stop waiting!

 

Just go to him and TELL HIM in person! Give him the bags yourself and state simply "it is over, here's your things".

[jennaflorrie]

Right now, he is sat in the lounge...with S and D. They are all chatting happily together...which is weird, because D is talking to her dad and I don't know if that is because they ARE getting on....or if she is just trying to keep things stable and get him on side.

 

I really cannot do it right now. Much as I would love to. Son is going off with his dad soon to stay night at his grandparents WITH his dad also...his dad will go to work tomorrow and Son has a BIG match tomorrow. I cannot do anything to affect this. It could adversely effect my Son.

 

Why did my D today say "Yippee" when I told her her Dad was away till Tuesday night? And now she is talking to him....like she is ok with him?

 

H is right now....smiling at D. Talking in quiet calm voice....its like a big happy family.

 

I just feel as though he is using his RELATIONSHIP with his D to try and keep me with him. He hugged D earlier, in front of me. I walked out of the kitchen because I felt he was doing it because I was watching.

 

It is still manipulation.

 

I know the marriage is still dead and he DID tell D something when I was at work the other night and D will not tell me. She tells me to "Ask ......" she calls him by his first name...she refuses to call him Dad.

 

Just wonder why she is talking happily to him. Is she acting?

 

Action I can take next week though.....is get house valued by estate agent. Make plans to sell this house.

[2sunny]

Sheez!

 

She's pretending with him because YOU'VE taught her, by your example, that pretending makes everything ok.

 

Which is actions that support a lie.

 

How do you feel about showing her the way? You have evidence now that she WILL live with abuse (and more likely choose that because its now her normal). And she WILL pretend its ok!

 

All because this IS how she's learned to survive.

[2sunny]

Your sone will do fine!

 

These are excuses you hang onto - and there will ALWAYS be an excuse.

 

I know it's hard- but DOING the stuff that's hard (and right) is what makes me proud of me!

[jennaflorrie]

Yes that makes sense. She is acting just like I have acted around him. Makes me feel even worse.

 

But, Son is going with his dad very early in the morning.....to his granddads. I cannot stop this, Son is over 6ft tall

, unless I scream shout, complain....Son will wonder why he cant go to his granddads with his dad...there could then result in one massive scene....Son will then head off with his dad anyway....and go to the match tomorrow feeling affected by ME and my choosing a very bad time to end the marriage....because tomorrow is a BIG day for Son.

 

Son will stay until Tuesday with his grandparents and his dad (his dad will mostly be at work and his grandparents are very kind). Then go to a big footie match on Tuesday which his Grandad has brought tickets for - for his Dads birthday.

 

I agree that there will always be something, but this is incredibly bad, bad timing to end things now.

 

I am disappointed myself, as I was psyched up for it and was fully intending to carry it through.

 

I will go for next Saturday. I just don't see what else I can do. My son is involved in this and I just don't want to affect him and the big day ahead.

[beach]

The ONLY right time is NOW.

 

Your fear will find 10 million excuss each day to delay.

 

Gain some courage and strength and just do it.

 

 

Or maybe it's just not so bad and you'll just stay. After all, you've been complaining here since April and haven't changed it yet.

Edited July 12, 2013 by beach

[jennaflorrie]

I hear you.

 

I could procrastinate for ever.....I have left it too long already.

 

No excuses after Tuesday....OK?

 

Yes, I must be strong.