Confused... (OW)

[fofa]

I have been reading all the posts in this forum related to what I'm going through right now and I think I could use some more specific advices... I am the OW of my best friend's husband and yes, I know how terrible is this and I'll probably be flamed here, but I'm gonna take the risk because I really believe sometimes the situations is not THAT black or white, there are lots of grey shades between them...

 

So, to make a long story short, I have a very close friend who I met around 2 years ago. Although we don't know each other for a long time we became very close, mainly because we were going through the same difficulties, trying to adapt to a new country, looking for a job, etc. She is married and her husband was always very nice, very funny, kind of an older brother to me... nothing happened in the first months, but after some time he told me he was thinking about me in another way and then I realized I also had feelings for him. It took us 6 months to finally "consummate" the affair, although we didn't have "real" sex yet, only oral sex. But that's not the point, I believe the betrayal happened when we started to discuss our feelings, knowing he was married and I was her friend.

 

I never thought myself as an OW, I always criticized those people and said I'd rather to die alone to do such a thing... of course we never should say never, I got myself in this huge problem, being in love with him and at the same time loving her very much too. I am not being hypocrite, I understand many times the OW doesn’t care at all for the wife's feelings but that's not my case, I really like her and I know what I am doing is a huge betrayal, I wouldn't forgive her if it was the opposite situation. But I also am very much in love with him, and I just can’t stay away from him... it's not because I'm a horny b*tch, but I am almost like part of the family, I am always in their house, I spent the weekends with them, her parents love me as a daughter and I can't just disappear from their lives. And I don't want to, it's not easy to move to another country and make new friends. I really like them, ALL OF THEM.

 

But at the same time I feel like a terrible person, going to her house, spending time with her and her parents while I know I am having an affair with her husband... he's not a jerk, I know he likes her, loves her and he never told me those stupid things like he's unhappy in his marriage, he'd leave her for me, those bs some men tell all the time. He just says he feels something very strong for me, he really likes me very much, he cannot stop thinking about me and he thinks we shouldn't let this thing go away. I know it sounds like he is a jerk, but he is not and maybe I'm not being very good at describing the situation, the whole story. Although I imagine all the betrayed wives will give me a hard time here, only I and him know what we went through and how difficult was for us to go ahead with this story.

 

It's a terrible situation, and although I really believe he's the one for me, I know our story doesn't have any future... I don't expect him to leave her or anything like that... anyway, I don't even know what I would like to ask here, I think I just wanted to tell the other side of the story, not all affairs are about horny men and hot women willing to destroy "happy marriages"... I know I'm the wrong one here, and SO HE IS, the OW is always the sl*t and nothing is said about the men who BETRAYED their wives... we are in a huge confusion right now, we feel we love each other but know that we are not supposed to be together... when I see him with her I feel jealous and at the same time happy because I think they are great together and I really hope they are happy... and then I remember what I am "doing" and how I can be a friend like that...

 

I don’t know, just rambling I guess...

[Kizzyfur]

Expect to lose your friend. She will find out eventually.

[supermom]

Okay I'm going to point out some things here, but I'm not bashing....

 

I understand many times the OW doesn’t care at all for the wife's feelings but that's not my case, I really like her and I know what I am doing is a huge betrayal, I wouldn't forgive her if it was the opposite situation. But I also am very much in love with him, and I just can’t stay away from him... it's not because I'm a horny b*tch, but I am almost like part of the family, I am always in their house, I spent the weekends with them, her parents love me as a daughter and I can't just disappear from their lives. And I don't want to, it's not easy to move to another country and make new friends. I really like them, ALL OF THEM.

 

this is what will hurt when she finds out. I had the same type of friend who had an affair with my husband when I was preg. Some friend! She was like family to us, my mom, everyone, and THATS what hurt me the most. It would of been easier if she was just an OW, but she was like a sister to me.

 

 

when I see him with her I feel jealous and at the same time happy because I think they are great together and I really hope they are happy... and then I remember what I am "doing" and how I can be a friend like that...

 

 

Instead of describing what you are doing, is there any way this would be someday something you "did"?

 

If there is no future - salvage what you can and leave the situation. You will most likely lose her friendship, but if you don't tell her and she finds out elsewhere (speaking from experience) it will be much worse on your friend. If you do care for her at all, you will stop this and come clean.

 

Remember what a friend is. Don't call yourself her friend while your screwing her husband - Not right.

 

Good Luck