icantbelieve Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 i am curious as to why everyone says that 30 days no contact is the optimal length of time. does this mean that after 30 days have passed, she has moved on or that she does not want to get back together? ive also seen some people say 60 days, but i feel that this is unrealistic for a 6 month relationship. i know people get back together many months or even years later, but i wudnt even be remotely interested after such a long period of time. what are some womens perspectives? have you ever gone back to an ex that you dumped after going thru no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I think that 60 is what you should aim for as a definite goal for yourself, that's what I have done. There is just something about two months that clears your head. That said, once you get to the 60 days, you should be able to have the inner strength to continue on with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 dont u think thats unreasonable for a 6 month relationship tho? if she wanted to get back together or still had feelings wouldnt 30 days b about right? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainy1030 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 dont u think thats unreasonable for a 6 month relationship tho? if she wanted to get back together or still had feelings wouldnt 30 days b about right? No, because if she wanted you back, she'd make an effort to contact you. If she doesn't, she isn't interested. But...that doesn't mean she won't be in the future. It doesn't really matter does it? No contact should be for YOU to heal, not as an effort to get her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 30 days...?? 60 days...?? neither is anywhere near enough time.... I'm recommending AT LEAST 6 months. And yes, I'm absolutely serious, damn right I am! Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 30 days...?? 60 days...?? neither is anywhere near enough time.... I'm recommending AT LEAST 6 months. And yes, I'm absolutely serious, damn right I am! 6 months for what to happen?? Isnt NC for suppose to be for life? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 It seems from what I have seen, that generally speaking, it takes 6 months for people to grow into 'indifference' to their ex-partners. of course, different mileages vary. Sure, for life is the ideal, but social situations often have a way of scuppering those ideals.... NC for life would be my firm recommendation - but I get shot down so often for saying it..... Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 30 days...?? 60 days...?? neither is anywhere near enough time.... I'm recommending AT LEAST 6 months. And yes, I'm absolutely serious, damn right I am! 60 days is recommended because it acts as a goal that doesn't seem too overwhelming and definite. The point of it is that once the person gets to 60 days, that amount of time offers enough clarity and enough of a detachment that they are able to continue on with no contact without needing that specific goal time. It's just a way of taking steps towards 'no contact for life,' as you put it. And from experience, I have to say that it works very well. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I think having a time limit in mind can be counterproductive. Stay NC for as long as you need to stay NC. Putting times on it can be productive when used as a checkpoint (let's see if I can make it 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, etc). But when it's used as an endpoint (in 30 days I can contact him/her) it's kind of pointless, because instead of using the NC time to work on yourself, you are using it as a countdown of sorts and not really doing anything to move forward. But yeah, it takes as long as it takes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I only went back to one bf, after having dumped him. It was two or three months later. I had the best impression of him ever, thought he was really special. Turn out, he wasn't. The role of NC is not to make your ex come back to you. It's meant to help you get over them. As Tara puts it, indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 30 days...?? 60 days...?? neither is anywhere near enough time.... I'm recommending AT LEAST 6 months. And yes, I'm absolutely serious, damn right I am! that wud be the same amt of time that we went out for, doesnt make sense to me Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 that wud be the same amt of time that we went out for, doesnt make sense to me You have to get timelines out of your head. There's no formula to calculate the appropriate amount of NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 People who put a "limit" on amount of time you "should" be in NC are being ridiculous. What's the time limit for anyway? You're waiting 30 days to contact your ex? In 30 days you expect to be healed? Oh but at 29 days, don't expect to feel better! It hasn't been 30 days yet! I swear NC is great for healing, but some people here look at it as the end all way of feeling better and others see it as a "waiting game" for them to get their ex back. It's neither. It's one of the many things you have to do if you want to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 People who put a "limit" on amount of time you "should" be in NC are being ridiculous. What's the time limit for anyway? You're waiting 30 days to contact your ex? In 30 days you expect to be healed? Oh but at 29 days, don't expect to feel better! It hasn't been 30 days yet! You're missing the point. Putting an indefinite amount of time on something actually makes you less likely to stick to a goal. When you're working towards something permanent, breaking it into more manageable goals makes you more likely to achieve it. By going no contact for "sixty days" you are putting out a goal that you are working to achieve, and when you want to break contact, the goal of reaching Day 60 helps to stop you. Once you get to Day 60, you've gone two months without and then are much more in control of your urges. Then, it's easier to just continue on. When you don't have a set goal in mind, you're much more likely to break and then just tell yourself "Oh well, I can start over tomorrow." But if you've already gone 15 days and are counting towards 60, you're much less likely because you won't want to have to start all over. It's simple psychology. Working towards something tangible is much easier than a 'feeling.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 You're missing the point. Putting an indefinite amount of time on something actually makes you less likely to stick to a goal. When you're working towards something permanent, breaking it into more manageable goals makes you more likely to achieve it. By going no contact for "sixty days" you are putting out a goal that you are working to achieve, and when you want to break contact, the goal of reaching Day 60 helps to stop you. Once you get to Day 60, you've gone two months without and then are much more in control of your urges. Then, it's easier to just continue on. When you don't have a set goal in mind, you're much more likely to break and then just tell yourself "Oh well, I can start over tomorrow." But if you've already gone 15 days and are counting towards 60, you're much less likely because you won't want to have to start all over. It's simple psychology. Working towards something tangible is much easier than a 'feeling.' well im already on day 28... idunno....i just wish she would call me and tell me that she's come to her senses. at first, i set my goal at 30 days... now that its almost up and still not a call or text...i guess ill have to go for 60 days. the only thing ive heard about her is that she texted my friend asking if i was doing ok during spring break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 People who put a "limit" on amount of time you "should" be in NC are being ridiculous. What's the time limit for anyway? You're waiting 30 days to contact your ex? In 30 days you expect to be healed? Oh but at 29 days, don't expect to feel better! It hasn't been 30 days yet! I swear NC is great for healing, but some people here look at it as the end all way of feeling better and others see it as a "waiting game" for them to get their ex back. It's neither. It's one of the many things you have to do if you want to move on. everyone seems so negative about the 30 days no contact rule. is it wrong for me to want the girl i love back? yes i realize its supposed to be to move on....but there have been people saying that they have gotten their ex back afterwards. look im no sap. in reality i dont believe the "if it's meant to be, it'll be" bs....i believe that if it was meant to be, it would have never ended. im willing to give things another go, but if she's been with someone else....then it's game over. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 everyone seems so negative about the 30 days no contact rule. is it wrong for me to want the girl i love back? yes i realize its supposed to be to move on....but there have been people saying that they have gotten their ex back afterwards. look im no sap. in reality i dont believe the "if it's meant to be, it'll be" bs....i believe that if it was meant to be, it would have never ended. im willing to give things another go, but if she's been with someone else....then it's game over. Because there's no time limit. It's not the NC that people are down on, it's the arbitrary time limit of 30 days. If you are going NC and want the ex back, you go NC until you are settled down enough to not make a jackass out of yourself when you contact and to where you could handle any negativity coming from your ex with an even hand instead of going to sad, clingy bastard mode. Ideally, NC is used for moving on. But if you want her back, don't put a stupid time limit on your NC. Because instead of bettering yourself emotionally and moving forward, you are going to be counting down the 30 days. Which defeats the purpose of going silent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 Because there's no time limit. It's not the NC that people are down on, it's the arbitrary time limit of 30 days. If you are going NC and want the ex back, you go NC until you are settled down enough to not make a jackass out of yourself when you contact and to where you could handle any negativity coming from your ex with an even hand instead of going to sad, clingy bastard mode. Ideally, NC is used for moving on. But if you want her back, don't put a stupid time limit on your NC. Because instead of bettering yourself emotionally and moving forward, you are going to be counting down the 30 days. Which defeats the purpose of going silent. ok i can understand what you're saying. what im trying to say is ill give it 30-60 days...after that im done. idunno how to explain it. why shudnt i put a time limit on it? realistically after 60 days, there would be someone new or she would have moved on. we were in a relationship for 6 months, 1 month nc is already a decent amt of time compared to the relationship itself. 2 months is already 1/3 of how long we were together..... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 ok i can understand what you're saying. what im trying to say is ill give it 30-60 days...after that im done. idunno how to explain it. why shudnt i put a time limit on it? realistically after 60 days, there would be someone new or she would have moved on. we were in a relationship for 6 months, 1 month nc is already a decent amt of time compared to the relationship itself. 2 months is already 1/3 of how long we were together..... You still don't get it. There's not a shot clock or time limit on this stuff. And she already moved on -- she broke up with you. But the amount of time a relationship lasted doesn't really matter. I've seen people get stuck on 3-month relationships while being able to turn the page on 3-year relationships quickly. She's not going to forget about you. Rushing things because you are afraid of that happening guarantees your failure. You really need to get all of this day counting and stuff out of your system. Day counting is useful to set benchmarks if you are looking to move on. Otherwise, it is irrelevant and doesn't help you in the least. You are focusing on stuff that quite frankly isn't important. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_alone Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I wouldnt put a time limit on it or sit around waiting for her to contact you. If you really miss her amd honestly cant think about anything else to help you move on then text her call her email her. You never know he may be sitting waiting for you to contact. Doesnt matter who nroke up with who in the emd sometimes it comes down to how much you care. And if she is mean or doesnt speak to you there is your answer and then you know you can move on. When my ex and I broke up I texted him three weeks later he was cold and heatless towards me so I went and moved on I started to find myself. Two weeks later he texted me wanting to talk. So give it a try doesnt work out the first time never know could do it when shes ready. And if you still have the feelings you do now you could try again if not then hey at least youtried amd are fresh to move on you have a better understanding of where thimgs stand. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFriend Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I think the time limit comes from those stupid get your ex back systems you will find all over the Internet. They are all a bunch of **** and the people that create them are dicks for taking advantage of people monetarily in a rough time (heartbreak). I think it needs to be a good long time. Don't feel bad i read all of those websites, ebooks. I think they are terrible advice setting nc limits. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Oh dear lord. No, it doesn't. It comes from a lot of different places, including sources that are meant to help you get over your ex. Once again, the point of the 60 days is to set a goal for someone who would more than likely crack without one. It's why they have those in AA count their days and give them pins for successful milestones. All of you who continue to say it's pointless or stupid are not getting the point. Yes, he wants his ex back. The point is that once the 60 days gets here, he will have spent enough time away from her to have a clearer mindset. icantbelieve - 28 days is good, but yes, you need to extend your goal to 60 days. I did the same, and I'm nearing 60 days now and I don't have any intentions to contact him, whereas when I was where you are I wasn't sure what I would do and just wanted him back. Stick with it, you're doing well! Link to post Share on other sites
WhoreyBull Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Because "arbitrary amount of time no contact" takes too long to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFriend Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Correct it is good for you(the Dumpee) to have nc, but I feel like too many people think it is how you get an ex back. And that is to be blamed by the "how to get your ex back books". My personally story by keeping contact helped me to fall out of love and lose hope more with each conversation. The girl said meaner and meaner things each time. Really helped when i saw her true colors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icantbelieve Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 well the thing is that i did the begging/pleading/reasoning bit..... i did this cuz i really did love her. i felt that this pushed her away farther so i went no contact cuz i felt there was nothing more i cud do. i dont want to fully explain the whole story and go thru it all again.... but i went nc cuz she wanted space and time cuz shes confused and needs to figure things out.... its been almost 30 days of no contact since i last talked to her, do you think i shud shoot her a text to ask her how she is? or shud i jus wate for her to contact me when shes ready? a couple days ago, my friend told me that she texted him asking if i was okay so I know that im still on her mind. the thing is that this cud mean that shes just curious or shes really just wondering if im ok...but at least this lets me know that shes thinkin about me. what does everyone think? just let it burn and continue no contact or check in? Link to post Share on other sites
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