i think my friend is having an affair

[in the middle]

i need some advice on how to handle something i witnessed this weekend. i was at a party this weekend and a male friend of mine was there without his wife. not a big deal except that i got the definite impression that he's having an affair with someone. i know his marriage is rocky and i know his wife can be difficult at times. he and i came very, very close to having an affair at one point a while ago, but ended that possibility and have remained friends. and in many ways, i wouldn't be surprised if he's messing around now. if it was just some random woman i'd probably feel differently about this but the woman he was with has a bit of a reputation around town and i believe has a very open relationship with her husband. and i'm not passing judgement on her bahavior, that really is none of my business.

 

to complicate things i know how his wife feels about this woman. i've heard a number of people talk about her in some not so complimentary ways. and i knew of her, but this was the first time i had seen her in person and oddly enough, knew by her behavior who she was before anyone even introduced me. i know before when he'd talked to me about leaving his wife he was afraid that she'd take him for everything. if she finds out that he's fooling around with someone she hates, i think she really will.

 

in many ways i know i shouldn't get involved, and i would never, ever, ever say anything to his wife. but they were with a bunch of people that his wife knows and i'm worried that she'll find out. i care about them both, but he's a better friend and part of me wants to warn him, protect him, i'm not sure what i'd call it.

 

do i warn him about the mess he's getting into or just let him screw up and fall on his face? i also worry that the fact that i have some feelings for him are getting in my way and clouding my judgement. i know i could post this in the infidelity section but i'm hoping maybe some of you who have been involved in affairs may be able to give some advice. if a friend of your's knew you were headed for big trouble with you OW or OM, would you want them to warn you or stay out of it?

[Merin]

Hmmmm

 

It sounds to me that you are letting your feelings for him drive you here.

 

To begin with he isn't married to you, and while it doesn't make it right for him to have an affair (with you or anyone else for that matter) I don't really think if your honest about it, that this has much to do with your wanting to "protect" him as much as it has to do with you have feelings for him and you don't want him messing around with someone else.

 

To say that his wife would take him for everything he has if he had an affair with someone she doesn't like? For real, trust me IF her husband had an affair with someone she REALLY LIKED it wouldn't make it any better for her or make her less likely to divorce him and take half of all the marital assets.

 

Obviously he knows his wife pretty damn good. In fact he knows her better than you do. It isn't like this guy doesn't know the risk's he would be taking to have an affair OR how his wife would react to his doing so. So telling him that his wife would whip his a$$ if she found out really isn't going to be new information to him.

 

Stay out of his business. Find someone who isn't married or attached because things like this never turn out well.

[Mr Spock]

You cannot do anything in this situation, except monitor, because you have feelings for him. Nothing. Either way, the messenger is going to get killed. Let's not forget a big part of you wishes YOU were his main gal.....

[in the middle]

yes, i do care about him but trust me, i have no intention of getting involved with him!!! it was a little too close the last time and there's no way in he** i'd go there again. he's a very sweet man and i know as i said, my feelings may be getting in the way. it was funny though, i didn't feel jealous, at one point i think i would have, but i didn't and since i'm seeing someone anyway.... it was, in a sad way, almost amusing to see this woman falling all over him and following him around like a lost little puppy. but he seemed to be enjoying the attention and wasn't discouraging her in any way.

 

you're right, someone his wife likes wouldn't make it any better and i know it's not my business, i just don't want to see him, or his wife, or his kids get hurt. but.... i don't even know what i'd say to him if i had the chance.

 

when he and i had our close call, i know it tore him up inside for what he almost did and i'd really like to believe he's still that same man. we had long discussions about how wrong it would be and that if he was going to leave his wife it had to be a clearly thought out decision. but i know that there may only be so much temptation he can take!

 

i guess maybe i just needed someone else to tell me what i already knew. thanks!

[otherwomen]

I would stay out.

 

My ex friend ruined my relationship with my MM, whom I confided to her. She ruined my life, his life, all families involved. She has made it difficult to live here, because she is such a nosey B... She lives down the street from me. She was once a best friend of mine, to a person I hate very very much.

 

She was with someone else when she first got married. I never told anyone. she cheated on him while he was overseas, then sent him divorce papers.

 

Anyways, I would stay out.

I lost my MM and also my very best friend since HS. I loved him so much.

[Papillon]

Do you have any proof whatsoever thet the two of them are messing around with each other?

 

Or are you allowing yourself to jump to conclusions based on the fact that the two of you almost did something, plus the fact that this women has a reputation?

 

People falling all over each other at a patry is hardly conclusive evidence of nefarious dalliance (oh man, I been itching to say "nefarious dalliance" )

[sami]

You have to figure out for your own good why are you sooooo involved in this whole mess? What do you really want to get out of it? What do really want for and from this man? Is he really just a friend ? You are the best judge in this case. All you need to do is to be honest with your own self.

[in the middle]

yes, i could have been just assuming that something was going on. when he and i were on the edge there were certain things that he used to do i.e. we'd be at a party and he'd ask me to meet him out of view of everyone else so we could be alone. we kissed a few times but it never went any further. stupid and risky and i regret it with all my heart. in any case, i saw them doing the same kind of thing. he'd disappear and a minute or two later, she'd follow. and yes, i could just be jumping to conclusions based on past history. the odd thing is that i saw him yesterday and he acted very weird, uncomfortable and almost embarrassed, wouldn't look me in the eye. i know i could still be reading into things, and i know his marriage is in trouble and he may have just been distracted.

 

as for what i want out of it.... good question. if it was a year ago, my answer would probably be that i would hope he'd leave his wife so that we could see where our "relationship" might go. since then, i've gotten to know him better, and his wife, and i know that even if he left her, he and i would not be a good match. we're compatible as friends, drinking buddies more specifically, but i would see it going no further even if i wasn't involved with someone else. he's incredibly attractive and i've realized that that was the main thing that was between us, just chemistry. not a bad thing, but there was and is nothing deeper that i could ever see possible. he and i have very different views on many things and i know that a relationship with him would be a disaster. i guess i just don't want to see him cause any major problems for himself or get messed up in something that i know he struggled with before. i do care about him, it's a small town and i know what a mess it would be if his wife found out.

 

the funny thing with that evening was that i solidly ended up in the middle of a marital mess between another couple, just by circumstance. i happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. the husband apologized to me over and over again for my being put in the middle, i had no choice, and as soon as i could remove myself from that situation i got out of the middle as quickly as i could. i won't go into details about that but, these people are just friends and the circumstances around the issue were such that i had no choice but to be involved until the issue was resolved. and once it was, that was it, i was done being in the middle with that. so, i may have just been a little overly sensitive to what was going on around me the rest of that evening.... i have a lot of male friends and i'm very easy to talk to and i know by letting them vent about problems with their wives i open myself up to these possibilities. silly me!!!

 

all that said, i've decided that i'm not ever going to say anything to him. it's his business, and his life, and if he wants to create more problems in his marriage or end it one way or another, that's his choice. i have to wonder if he secretly wants to get "caught" and have a reason to be out of his marriage. do people ever really do that? but that's his choice and his problem. i don't want to risk ruining my friendship with either him or his wife and i know by putting myself in the middle i run that risk and could make things worse.

[otherwomen]

I would just stay out.

[sami]

Are you friend with him or with his wife ? How did it happen that way? Because of whom? It feels like you are more than just a friend to him. It is clear from your own story. You are not totally over it yet. There is a buried unfelt feeling of jealousy. You are watching his moves and his suspected partner's. You have made of yourself a free private investigator. Why is that so?. Because you do care of course, but why? For him , for his wife or both? May be the chemistry is too strong to let go or leave you alone every time you see him in the same situations you were together before. You need to do more study about yourself and your true feelings for him. Reason may foresake you in this very crucial time when you need it most. What you are saying make lot of sense and sounds reasonable. Problem is: Emotions and feelings rarely follow reason.

[in the middle]

sami - while i will not discount your assessment of the situation 100% i'd have to say my gut reaction is that you're at least somewhat off target. i am friend's with them both but probably know him better, his wife doesn't open up easily to others and is somewhat difficult to get to know.

 

am i completely "over it"? hard to say with 100% certainty but i AM 100% certain that i would not under any circumstances put myself in that position with him again. even if we were both single i don't see it happening.

 

as for my watching his moves.... it wasn't like i was staring them, it just seemed like several times when i looked up they were directly across the room from me and it was difficult to NOT notice what was going on. i am a people watcher, part of my job involves the study of human behavior and i love watching people interact with each other. i could also tell you a lot about the other interactions i witnessed that night but it's probably not relevant. so i'm not entirely sure i'd say that i'm a free private investigator and god knows i would NEVER say anything to his wife even if she asked me directly.

 

why do i care about him? i guess just because i do. i'm part of that "rare" group that in most cases ends up staying friends with a lot of guys from my past. a few i've chosen not to, but for those who were friends first .... we've successfully made the transition back. i know that there are some out there that may say that that's not possible, but i'd disagree. but that's a totally sep. topic.

 

bottom line is, again, that i am staying out of it!!!!

[otherwomen]

If you say anything they will all resent you, the girl, the wife and the husband.