Did being cheated on "make" you a more bitter, less kind,..., person?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

I've posted a lot about me in the past, so I won't repeat myself here&take up space.

 

I wanted to ask how did being cheated on affect you? I'd appreciate to hear how common it is what has been happening to me. I don't know how much being cheated on really changed me, or how much it has just brought more to the surface my dark side (if one ever needed the "twirling moustache" smiley, it was now:D), or how much this is just me trying to (subconsciously) process everything...

 

I think before I was quite a nice person (or at least did my best to act like a wanted to (as a nice person), despite the selfish, mean part of me)

 

Looking back at me, after being cheated on (even after going to IC etc.):

- I started to become much more angry more often

- I started to catch myself wishing bad things to my ex and wanting to hurt her back (emotionally)

- I started to wish that I would be the "other man", to have a girl cheat on someone with me, or at least I started thinking that it wasn't such a big deal (for me - and before I tried to be really honest&sincere all the time),

- I started getting turned on by porn about adultery, cheating, cuckolds, ... (before never)

- I don't trust people. Every girl I meet I imagine will eventually betray me, so I catch myself thinking that I'd better not get close&just have sth casual.

- it has become much easier for me to say no to people, to cut them off from my lives completely after they do sth that hurts me, and my limit for that is much (too) lower (for example to not contact me for 3 weeks after being told that my dog died, that I have to get tested etc.)

 

I miss a big part of me from before, the trusting, helpful,..., me. I understand I was too trustful etc. before (which was a big problem and I don't like how I was before), but now I feel like I've gone too far on the other side and don't know how to get to the middle/optimal point. I still try my best to not act upon this, to not hurt anyone,..

 

I'm working on myself&addressing my issues and I'm aware that I have a long way to go.

 

Anyway, any thoughts, personal experience, advice, ... , would be very appreciated!

[Sivok]

I wouldn't say my experience made me less kind; it made me more real.

 

I bent over backwards and let her walk all over me. Let her get away with too many things that bugged me, and I simply did not have healthy boundaries - nor the spine to enforce them if anything was crossed.

 

If not putting up with games, disrespect, and crossing of my boundaries makes me an @$$hole - then yes, that experience turned me into a bit of an @$$hole.

 

Regarding the trust issues - it takes a while to get over. You just have to make sure not to stereotype all women with her behavior. Remember each person you date is a unique person with their own values, upbringing, and morals.

[loversquarrel]

My experience opened the door to a darker side. I always had a certain edge to me, but this experience helped propel me down a path of "no more mr. nice guy". I no longer hesitated to speak my mind in a relationship and I became good at striking back. I lost most of my friends (I cut myself off from them. My ex and I had been together so long we shared most friends). As far as the effect on future relationships, I kept the vast majority of them at arms length with the exception of one.

 

I find my anger is always on simmer, waiting for the next opportunity to lash out (I am stuck dealing with her from time to time as we have children together). It sucks, but I've been told that on average it takes roughly up to 5 years to recover from marital infidelity/divorce. As with anything else, some will recover quicker and others longer.

 

As Sivok stated, it makes you more real.

[Keenly]

It made me less inclined to become vulnerable again. I got cheated on two relationships in a row, now I'm afraid to invite a woman into my heart because I'm afraid thy are going for the hat trick.

[Loomer]

Being cheated on has definitely affected me in negative ways. When I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me numerous times I developed insomnia, I still have serious issues trying to sleep. I have become far more cynical in my outlook on the world. I am more spiteful and bitter. I have serious trust issues and a lack of self esteem.

 

I didn't want any of it. I don't like the person I am now. I am still with this girl and I love her.

I just wish people would have more consideration and think about how their actions may have a detrimental effect on others.

 

Is it fair that a drunk girl gets with a guy at a party, and I have to suffer?

 

I have spent the last two years searching for ways to cope, but I'm still broken. I can only be the anonymous guy who complains about his life on these things. Pathetic I know.

 

It helps for some reason though. Even if no one reads it, it's here.

[Loomer]

Being cheated on made me more guarded with my relationships. I keep my emotions in check.

 

I use to be laid back and easy going. Now something that wouldn't bother me, such as a gf going out on the town with the gals, does now. Mind you not shopping or going to a movie, but I no longer will accept a woman that feels the need to go out and party.

I have trouble letting her go out clubbing now too. The trust isn't there.

[pbjbear]

Ive seen various males and females that have been cheated on have issues with letting their guard down and trusting.

 

I have not been cheated on but Ill admit I have issues with both of these things, ironically. It came from simply observing how most people in my age group treat each other in a crappy manner and how self absorbed and "me, myself and i" they think like.

[Woggle]

Boy did it ever until recently. I decided she wasn't going to win and if she makes me a bitter person that never allows myself to have a healthy relationship then she won. I like the loving and romantic side of me and why would I let such a worthless person destroy it?

[AldoIk]

I got cheated on once and what affected me the most wasn't the cheating itself but the people that were involved and didn't have the guts to tell me; most were people I trusted.

 

I felt double betrayed:

1st, dealing with a girl that would said ''I love you'' and lied when she looked straight in my eyes while screwing 2 dudes

 

2nd, believing everything was ok due to the people that would say it was. They not only lied to me but covered up for her. Among those people, were my so called ''best friend' Carl and others I trusted the most.

[Trimmer]

I feel like cheating "cured" me of my youthful innocence. Now I think, as another poster put it, that I see the world in a more realistic way.

 

I'm not less kind - I feel like I'm still every bit as kind and caring a person towards others of both genders. But I am definitely bitter - mostly inside myself, not directed at everyone else, but directed at my ex - for not (a) being who I thought she was (my mistake, perhaps?) and (b) being who I believe she committed to be (faithful and by my side in going through life together and raising our children.)

 

18 years down the road from her original affair, and 8 years since she left me for someone else, yeah, it has definitely changed me. Bitter: yes, a change which I still regret, resent, and struggle with. Unkind: no - I don't direct my bitterness outside, toward others. Trusting: remains to be seen - I can still imagine loving a woman romantically, but I can also imagine it not happening again for a long time, if ever. Wow, how pathetic, eh?

 

(I'm actually not as depressing a person as that makes me sound... <- smiley face!)

[GudDude2013]

I will say this. Makes you more real? Definitely. Jaded and bitter?, not necessarily. I have such a more laid back and realistic approach and understanding to infidelity.

 

Basically going into it, I automatically believe and assume that my dick will not be the last dick this chick ever gets in her life time, and viceaversa, PERIOD! All the "I love you's", and time spent, marriage, relationships, family, etc. Is all icing on cake, but unless I **** you on your death bed, and you die right afterwards, more than likely whoever your dealing with....whoever you love...wife, husband, bf, gf, you might as well accept the fact that your dick / pussy will not be the last they receive in their lifetime, whether you find out about it or not...you get it?

 

Monogamous relationships that last forever, between humans, are for the very most part unrealistic. And if you can accept and deal with that then you are ahead of the game!

[hppr]

Bitter no, but I don't trust as easily as I used to. When you're young everybody is your friend but as you get older you realize there are lots of 'buddies' but very few true friends out there. 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' is true whether you're talking business or romance.

[Loomer]

"I won't date a clubber/partier,"

 

The problem is every student here in Ireland is a clubber/partier.

It's just an accepted part of life, and you can't really have that control over someone. It's just hard knowing she's out there.

At the same time I don't know if I could leave her

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts on this issue, I can imagine it might have been hard to reopen this for you.

 

I would like to ask you a couple of questions:

1.) Did the experience make you change your position about cheating in any way? And did it perhaps make you in some way want to be at least once on the other side of cheating (either as you being the cheater in a relationship or you being the other person to sbd else cheating)?

 

2.) Did any one of you start to like reading stories about cheating, especially those where the cheated on get some sort of revenge and cheaters suffer? Did it perhaps start to be a turn-on?

 

3.) How did you deal with the trust issues in your next relationships? When/how (if) did you mention to the other person that you have them, how did you try to keep yourself in balance to not become excessively jealous/restrictive, etc.? Any advice (practical, books, therapy,..)?

 

Thank you so much and I wish you all the best in your current/future relationship(s)!

[IceIceBaby]

I have definitely become more realistic about life and relationships. I've found that I am angrier and loose my temper more easily. I also have major envy of my old self and how innocent and trusting I was. Sometimes I would give anything to be like that again.

[loversquarrel]

In response to your questions:

 

1.) It changed my view in one way - I revenge cheated. IMHO I think revenge cheaters get a free pass when it is reactionary. I do have to caution however, it didn't make me feel good. I don't like cheating and still can't understand why someone would do it. It made me feel empty and depressed. I felt like I let myself down. It was even more disappointing to discover that my ex was more hurt from the ego damage than heartbroken (which was how I felt). It was nice to see some of her reactions though, such as being scorned and screamed at, being told "How could you".

 

2.) It is never a turn on for me. I avoid such stories/movies, they bring back bad memories and anxiety.

 

3.) The trust issues....took a long, long time. I credit my Fiance' for being a rock when I needed it. I think you need to be able to find someone who is patient and truly caring enough to understand why you develop "guarding" habits. Someone with empathy. We had our ups and downs, but she taught me how to trust and communicate, and when you have that in a relationship it is something you will never want to let go of.

[LonelyInsomniac]

 

It ****s with your worldview. You can also get into a habit of dating women who will let you down in a misguided (albeit subconscious) attempt to avoid more heartbreak. I highly recommend not doing this.

 

 

- I started to become much more angry more often

- I started to catch myself wishing bad things to my ex and wanting to hurt her back (emotionally)

- I started to wish that I would be the "other man", to have a girl cheat on someone with me, or at least I started thinking that it wasn't such a big deal (for me - and before I tried to be really honest&sincere all the time),

- I started getting turned on by porn about adultery, cheating, cuckolds, ... (before never)

- I don't trust people. Every girl I meet I imagine will eventually betray me, so I catch myself thinking that I'd better not get close&just have sth casual.

- it has become much easier for me to say no to people, to cut them off from my lives completely after they do sth that hurts me, and my limit for that is much (too) lower (for example to not contact me for 3 weeks after being told that my dog died, that I have to get tested etc.)

 

• Anger is a natural part of grief. If you acknowledge it and experience it, it normally loses some power over you.
  
• Yes, I've felt this way. To this day, there's a part of me that still hopes my ex fiancee gets cheated on by her lover(s) and ends up getting another STD - I suspect this comes from a stunted notion that if she went through what I almost had to experience (thank goodness for no sex before marriage back then, heh), that somehow she'd grow a conscience and feel bad for what she put so many people through.
  
• I noticed that after the first time she cheated... I started noticing how attractive everyone else was. I had the opportunity to get back at her... but while the theory was interesting, the thought of actually going through with disgusted me. Yet another reason why we were poorly matched. I suspect the reason it's seeming like "not a big deal" has to do with rationalizing it enough that you can handle it - because it's a huge deal.
  
• Your trust is going to be shaken for a while. You've just had your world turned upside down - it's like waking up on the dark side of the moon. Five years later, I still find myself wondering if my girlfriend may be cheating on me when she's running late - not because of anything major she's done, but because I got so used to the "working late" excuse.
  
• It sounds like this violation has become your intro to boundaries. There's nothing dirty about saying "no" - just the opposite. It's a brilliant way to communicate that has all too often been erased by the non-committal invention of "maaaaybe".

 

The fact that you're doing this frank analysis of yourself speaks volumes of your awareness and character. Wishing you a full recovery.

[Taramere]

- it has become much easier for me to say no to people' date=' to cut them off from my lives completely after they do sth that hurts me,[/quote']

 

I certainly relate to this. I used to find it very hard to let people go, but being cheated on (a long time ago now) created a change in my thinking. I don't find it nearly so difficult, now, to let people go if I'm getting strong signals that they don't respect me. That cheating episode also opened my eyes to hypocrisy. The reality of somebody who would hold forth in quite strident terms about people who were cheaters and liars being every bit as bad if not worse. Naïve as it is, I genuinely did believe that his very judgemental outlook meant he had standards he would try hard to abide by.

 

Even when we fail to abide by our own standards, I think that if we're generally honest people we will have a conscience about the failure. He seemed to find it very easy to be a hypocrite, and I think that's the thing I found most shocking. Now perhaps I understand him a bit better. We can't necessarily know how people really feel when they breach their own standards of behaviour, but I think it's quite normal that when we react furiously they will walk away without giving us the apology we think they should give us....but whether this means they actually lack a conscience, we can only guess at.

 

Trust v mistrust can be a difficult balance to manage in any event, but especially once you've been cheated on. People are flawed, and often they let themselves and their purported standards down with their own behaviour. I tend to reserve the greatest trust for the people who show self awareness, who try to pursue high standards but are aware that they don't always reach them - and, on account of that self awareness, try to temper their judgement of other people's failings. Those people are easier to trust, and also much easier to forgive.

Edited April 7, 2013 by Taramere

[todreaminblue]

I think being cheated on , didnt change me that much, only in the fact i couldnt do it to another person.....i know i shouldnt have to handle a cheating partner.....i broke down the last time .......i had this social worker after my breakdown who said i was a philanderer..a male social worker with strange thoughts...which now makes me laugh....i was single and let a guy put his arm around my shoulder because he asked to put his arm around me.... and i kissed him i was single and wanted to feel close to soemone...apprently that is me being a philanderer.....made me think of though...being thought of as easy made me feel bad....i wonder how bad cheating partners feel when they look at themselves in the mirror.......i know my ex felt bad....or i hoped he did and was honest when he said he knew he did wrong an apologized

 

i have faith in monogamy and the blessings it brings happiness and security most of all unadulterated intimacy.......those beliefs and ideals i have,havent changed if anything....i believe in it them more than ever......so much heartache for people when a partner cheats, this is one thing i know, the cheating partner also has heartache which could be more long lasting.....heartache with hurting someone, to me , has by far more soul reaching capacity than being hurt yourself......i feel for them .....most of them live in denial.....till one day.........they get hurt themselves and the memories of making someone else feel that way, hit all at once , thats a cold fingered heart touch ....cheating is an act that gets to hit twice........i have forgiven guys that have cheated on me,they have to face their own demons of their own doing, i dont have to hold a grudge that would impact on me or on a future partner....its best to let go................deb

[Crusoe]

My ex's cheating made me more determined to live a life that does not harm anyone else. More aware that we can hurt others without meaning to.