He cheated and got her pregnant.

[aivlys7793]

I just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. He doesnt know that I know because I snooped through his phone while he wasn't looking and found messages between him and his sister explaining everything. I love him more than anything and all I want is to have a family with him. Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. Now he is about to have a child with another woman and this kills me. It hurts so fu*king bad. I want him to be a good father to the child and be in the childs life, but I'm not sure I can be in his life and raise another womans child. Someone please tell me how to stop this excruciating pain. Someone tell me what to do. I am so hurt and so lost. I dont want to leave him but I dont know how I can live the rest of my life knowing he gave another woman such a beautiful gift. Seriously someone please help the pain go away. Any advice at all would be appreciated.

[dreamingoftigers]

To be honest. If you stay the pain won't stop.

 

It will overshadow any joy you are going to have with him.

 

It will be there on your wedding day, it will be there when you have your own child.

 

You will always know that he treated you like garbage and gave your dream to some random girl. You'll never feel truly safe with him again, especially because you are still dating.

 

I can STRONGLY assure you that there are better men. Men that you CAN feel close to and be safe with. Men who will have the same dream you do, and not lie to and manipulate you. Men who won't go out producing a dozen other children within a relationship with you.

 

And although it doesn't seem like it now, you will be able to love then much more. Largely because that particular man would treat you much better.

 

Your boyfriend is going to have his hands full trying to minimize and deny. And deal with this pregnancy.

 

The time and respect he should have given to you is gone now.

 

It will hurt. It will anger you. It will feel like the world is ending. For a little bit.

Then after three weeks or so, you'll start to see that Sun through the clouds. After six months or so, the clouds will probably disappear for the most part and by then you may even have moved on completely.

 

At that point the baby may even be here, or just about. And that will spur your heart and mind further from him.

 

Don't sit on the fence. This is one of those rate moments where you need to act now and cut this toxic, disrespectful person out of your life.

 

You sound pretty young so I'll tell you now: he may "feel bad" and "be sorry" and "want to make it up to you."

 

But frankly, "who gives a sh*t if he FEELS BAD?" he should feel bad. He cheated and got some girl pregnant. It's supposed to feel bad and he's supposed to feel sorry. What he isn't supposed to do is cheat and hope that feeling "bad" and "sorry" make up for the situation.

 

He has shown through actions that he is not honest, he will cheat and he will manipulate.

 

Do not allow any tears or guilting to pull you into stating in this trainwreck situation.

 

He made the mess, do not let him fault or guilt you in any way. Part of how he SHOULD be taking responsibility for this is by letting you GO. Because if he had any love for you at all, he would NEVER have you stay through this and go through extreme emotional torture daily.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this now. But getting out now will spare you much more pain than staying in.

[Lillygoose]

First of all, I am so sorry this has happened to you, and the pain you must be in. It hurts when someone we trust turns out to be someone we no longer know.

 

 

Exactly what dreamingoftigers stated above, You're best out of there.

 

You will have constant reminders around you if you dont, and even if you do continue your relationship. Your mind will always be wondering what if?

 

If he does out late, Is he with another girl? If he goes away of a work party? is he with someone else, It will be at the back of your mind.

 

And the fact you state you want him to be apart of the childs life, shows how mature you are and how level headed you are. You CAN do better.

 

it will hurt, over time it does get better.

 

so chin up, and be strong hun xxxxxxx

[aivlys7793]

Thank you dreamingoftigers and lillygoose. Your responses are just what i needed. I have actually known for a long time that he isn't trustworthy. But I stayed with him for so long because I wanted to work on it with him and hopefully start to build trust between the both of us. Every other relationship I've had I have ran at the first sign of any trouble and I really wanted to make this one work because I truly love this man. But I do understand when you guys say that it will always be hanging over my head. And I don't want it to, but at the same time I don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if I walked away from a situation that could be made better if not resolved. I am young and I realize I have plenty of years left ahead of me but I want to spend them all with him. I don't know what to do because I know I shouldn't stay but I just cant leave. He is my everything and I don'twant to lose my everything over this. I guess what I am trying to say is if there is a way to work through this WITH him then please tell me how. And if there isnt then how do I let someone go that I cant live without?

[CarrieT]

May I ask how old you are? Because phrases like this make me think you are very, very young:

 

I am young and I realize I have plenty of years left ahead of me but I want to spend them all with him.

You aren't imagining a life with anyone else.

 

 

I know I shouldn't stay but I just cant leave.

Of course you can leave. You are just not letting yourself be strong enough for YOU and are relying on being a couple too much.

 

 

He is my everything

Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! You don't have enough respect for yourself and love for yourself to be on your own to the extent that you have wrapped your LIFE around another human being.

 

 

I don't want to lose my everything over this.

"Everything" is relative. You have "everything" you need within yourself but if you rely on another to make your life complete, you are lost.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is if there is a way to work through this WITH him then please tell me how.

Sure. Be there with him and for him for several years to see how he handles this situation before considering starting a family with this man. Does he take responsibility for his actions? Does he Man-Up and support the child?

 

 

And if there isnt then how do I let someone go that I cant live without?

Learn that you CAN live without him and probably should. You are in obsessive/compulsive stage right now. Step away from him and the situation and see how it plays out. Time is your friend in this. Nothing needs to be acted upon immediately.

[aivlys7793]

Well you are correct. I have self confidence issues and have hated myself for such a long time. That is another reason why I love him so much. Because he has helped me to learn to love myself. He loves me so much and has shown me that I am worth loving and he understands me like no one else does and he loves me like no one else ever can. In the messages to his sister he expressed how he knew had had done wrong by me and that it was a mistake he wishes he could take back so I know he cares and wants to work this out. And the only reason I havent revealed that I am 19 until now is because I don't want to hear what I have already been told which is that I'm so young That I can find someone better and that I shouldn't worry about these things at this age and that I do not know what im talking about. I may be young but I have experienced more in 19 years than some do in their entire lives. You would be surprised how much a 19 year old understands.

[TaserTag]

This isn't a "running at the first sign of trouble" thing or something that should be downplayed. You say you don't want to lose your boyfriend "over this," which doesn't really acknowledge the huge betrayal that has happened here. He cheated on you, is keeping it and the baby from you (you had to find out by snooping through his phone), and is starting a new life with another girl, literally. This could be worked through, of course, if he suddenly turned into an honest man who doesn't cheat and you were okay with raising his children that he made while cheating on you. But that's a big bunch of things to overcome and it's worrisome that you say you can't live without this person who clearly lies to you and puts you in a bad place.

 

I think that you should just leave this person. There really isn't much that we can't live without. I've dealt with losing people to death and just breaking up with people who were very important to me, and I have survived, and most people do. I broke up with an abusive ex that I thought very highly of (at the time) and moved on to marry a man who actually cares about me and respects me. You should have someone who puts you first and respects you.

 

If you stay with this guy, you have to be ready to deal with the broken trust, deal with raising his child with someone else, and deal with a lot of your money and time going to raising that child.

 

"I don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if I walked awayfrom a situation that could be made better if not resolved." On the other side of that, if you stay with him, you'll probably wonder if there was a better guy and life out there for you that you missed out on while trying to stay with a guy who lies to you and cheats on you...

[CarrieT]

You would be surprised how much a 19 year old understands.

No I wouldn't be surprised because I WAS that 19 year old. Actually, I was you at 16... Except that *I* was the one who was pregnant but had already been raped twice and had an affair with a married man, so I know more than many what you are thinking.

 

And I can tell you - although you don't want to believe it now - that your brain is going to change DRAMATICALLY in the next ten years. And the hate your feel for yourself will change as well. Right now you have validation from the one person who sees you for whom you are and who you have the potential to be, which is why you are grappling on to him so much.

 

When/If you have the strength to break free of him and fly on your own, you will learn that there is so much more than This One Guy.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know what to do because I know I shouldn't stay but I just cant leave.

 

Why can't you, what's stopping you?

 

He is my everything and I don'twant to lose my everything over this.

 

Honey, he's your everything, because you are investing everything in him.

 

He's isn't a wise investment. Review your portfolio.

 

He's already got child support and tons of therapy right out the gate (and that's if he plays ball). I'll let you in on a little secret. He will cost much more than that. You will lose your entire investment aside from being a little philosophical about staying so long when you knew you should've gone.

 

And he is not appropriately investing back.

 

There were a lot of Enron investors. Look where they are now.

You're trying to revive Enron. Please tell me you don't think that's a good idea.

 

Your investment didn't pay off. This guy is in such deep relational debt, he won't be able to pay it off. There are better investments elsewhere.

 

By the way, just like an investment portfolio, keep some savings for yourself. Make sure you are investing in yourself during a relationship so that a guy doesn't become your "everything." That way, if the investment you make in him tanks, you'll have diversified your portfolio enough to have something to fall back on.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is if there is a way to work through this WITH him then please tell me how. And if there isnt then how do I let someone go that I cant live without?

 

Honestly, at your age. In your position, having not been a Mom yet and the nature of the betrayal. I would say ABSOLUTELY NO.

 

If you ever read any of my threads, you will see that I am a marital die-hard.

But honestly, no. And you don't want to bring a future into a relationship that has had it's foundation cracked so badly.

 

There's always this fear that the next love or relationship would never measure up. That the guy won't be as spectacular.

 

That's just FEAR talking. Irrational FEAR at that.

 

The further you get away from this dude, you'll see that he isn't what you thought he was. He was a package of false advertising. And he sure isn't owning it in a hurry. He could have told you about the indiscretion long before this girl found out she was pregnant. He didn't choose to tell you about either.

 

And honestly here's how you leave him:

 

"I found out about your deal-breaking indiscretion. Love is an action as well as words. You clearly have no respect for me. You may FEEL that you do. Bit your actions don't match your words. I am going to be with someone that matches my level of love and respect. Or no one at all because no one deserves to be treated this way."

 

If you are living with the guy, and his name is on the lease, gather your stuff and pull a Houdini, leave that note.

 

If your name is on the lease, gather his stuff, throw it in storage. Stick that note in an envelope on the door, or text him with the address to the storage. Tell him he has 30 days to pick it up. (and that's being super, duper nice!)

 

If both your names are on the lease, talk to the landlord about breaking tue lease and find a new place, pronto. A new place gives you a new start and hope for the future.

 

If you don't live together. Gather his stuff, get yours.

 

Settle or arrange for any debts.

 

OR

 

You can just call him and say "Go eff yourself Loser. The sex sucked, I'm amazed that little thing could get anyone pregnant! As if you expected me to recycle thus whore's teeny eeny tampon! Good fuc*ing riddance."

 

You could also include a wiki link to "micropenis."

 

Whatever does it for you, really.

 

But I think you are asking, "how do I come up with the emotional fortitude to just leave."

 

Well, make a list of exactly what this guy did to you, how it's affecting you emotionally and how it would continue to affect you emotionally.

 

That think to yourself, "Was I treated honestly, fairly for what I put into this relationship?" I think you know the answer.

 

Being with this guy has to offend your sense of dignity, fairness and decency.

Trust me, he's offensive. I wish you had an older brother that was 7'0" with a bad temper to go kick his ass. Go get yourself mad. Stop looking at what YOU can to do FIX it and start lpoking more at what HE did to MESS it up. And how he's done NOTHING even half-hearted and lame to clean it.

 

And seriously, don't nag him to clean it. I went through that for four years of a marriage. What a joke. Selfish people like him just go "yeah, I get it! It hurt you, I feel bad enough already!"

 

He can't solve this crap. And now he has a kid that he should put first.

 

That leaves you where exactly? Pretty much alone with this mess. You might as well be single instead of alone in a relationship being demoted to last place. That's where he put you when he slept with this girl.

 

 

 

Or you c

[dreamingoftigers]

Well you are correct. I have self confidence issues and have hated myself for such a long time. That is another reason why I love him so much. Because he has helped me to learn to love myself. He loves me so much and has shown me that I am worth loving and he understands me like no one else does and he loves me like no one else ever can. In the messages to his sister he expressed how he knew had had done wrong by me and that it was a mistake he wishes he could take back so I know he cares and wants to work this out. And the only reason I havent revealed that I am 19 until now is because I don't want to hear what I have already been told which is that I'm so young That I can find someone better and that I shouldn't worry about these things at this age and that I do not know what im talking about. I may be young but I have experienced more in 19 years than some do in their entire lives. You would be surprised how much a 19 year old understands.

 

I was the girl too. I kid you not. I went through so much crap, abuse and having two disabled siblings that I took primary care of.

 

I felt UNLOVABLE. I had an ex who was alright and he took off six weeks before we were supposed to get married.

 

Then I met my husband. He showed me I had so much value and that I was pretty and sexy and that he just wanted me.

 

Well, sometimes people don't realize what's lurking in the core of them from their own history.

 

He flip-flopped and treated me like garbage. I spent so long trying to work it out. My self-esteem cratered. He didn't treat me as someone lovable anymore.

 

So take this from this guy: you are lovable. That was not the lie.

 

The lie was that this guy was respectful. He isn't. He gave away something that he can't get back now. He can't "unpregnant" her and you are still in a stage of your life where having that kind of baggage is damned unhealthy. Not just "hard" or "difficult" but wearing on your very soul.

 

I know you'd walk all the way to China if this would make it better. Maybe he would too, I don't know. But you can't. This is one of those sh*t things that just doesn't patch up in a young relationship. Not well, anyway.

 

I'm 30 now, which seems like a ways away. It's not. It's a helluva lot closer than you think. You are about to enter your 20s. Your 20s are a super-valuable time to establish yourself emotionally and professionally. There the "spare years" you get to sort through the stuff that makes you dad and discover your talents etc.

 

Your 20s can also be a very profitable time on the dating market. You can see what long-term options work best for you. You're free to screw up a little. Mature from it. Learn responsibility. There is a certain kid of freedom in your 20s that doesn't translate into other age groups.

 

They are finite, you don't want to invest what could easily be the most growth-intense years of your life to this guy who's tied up with a long-term betrayal consequence. It is NOT worth the investment.

 

I know you lack self-confidence. Start hiking. Hike everywhere. Get blisters. Go by yourself. Go a few times a week. Don't injure yourself. Nothing built my confidence more than hiking. It will give you endurance, help because you emotionally, give you time to think and appreciate the outdoors, even if it's in the city.

 

Develop a skill. See a counselor.

 

Find another option. Seriously.

 

I know in the end it's your decision. And generally I won't push. But, my God, don't waste this time on him. You'll kick yourself so hard if you do.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you dreamingoftigers and lillygoose. Your responses are just what i needed. I have actually known for a long time that he isn't trustworthy. But I stayed with him for so long because I wanted to work on it with him and hopefully start to build trust between the both of us. Every other relationship I've had I have ran at the first sign of any trouble and I really wanted to make this one work because I truly love this man. But I do understand when you guys say that it will always be hanging over my head. And I don't want it to, but at the same time I don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if I walked away from a situation that could be made better if not resolved. I am young and I realize I have plenty of years left ahead of me but I want to spend them all with him. I don't know what to do because I know I shouldn't stay but I just cant leave. He is my everything and I don'twant to lose my everything over this. I guess what I am trying to say is if there is a way to work through this WITH him then please tell me how. And if there isnt then how do I let someone go that I cant live without?

 

exactly, how old are you? You come off as a little naive with regards to this situation. First off your guy cheated, how long who really know but he's done that, got her pregnant and still hasn't told you. Not really the man you want to spend your life with.

 

Secondly, if this is what he gets up to, and still comes home to you, you don't know what transmitted disease he could be bringing to you. Some diseases stay with you for life, ruining your chances with future partners, in fact some are so bad they can make you infertile. This is truly serious.

 

You can't work with someone if they are working against you.

[CarrieT]

exactly, how old are you? You come off as a little naive with regards to this situation.

She is 19. But is trying to tell us she has experienced more than most 19 year-olds so she is different. She doesn't realize that almost all 19 year-old girls believe this...

[dreamingoftigers]

exactly, how old are you? You come off as a little naive with regards to this situation. First off your guy cheated, how long who really know but he's done that, got her pregnant and still hasn't told you. Not really the man you want to spend your life with.

 

Secondly, if this is what he gets up to, and still comes home to you, you don't know what transmitted disease he could be bringing to you. Some diseases stay with you for life, ruining your chances with future partners, in fact some are so bad they can make you infertile. This is truly serious.

 

You can't work with someone if they are working against you.

 

She's 19 years old.

[Lillygoose]

Hun

 

For starters I am only 20 years old.

 

I went though the whole breakup putting him high on a pedestal, The pain was horrible and I went through the same thing you are thinking ' he was my everything' even thou he cheated, I couldn't imagine spending one day away from him or not constant calling or texting and I was with him for over four years.

 

 

It has been four months since we broke up, and I am begining to finally see it was the best thing for me.

 

Do you not live your life for him.LIVE IT FOR YOU.

 

 

 

it does get better over time, your whole perception of him becomes a lot clear and you will be able to see him for what he truly is.

 

A liar and a cheat.

 

For a man in a relationship to sleep with another person shows that the moment they make that choice, they dont love you or respect you.

 

That is lost the second they choose to do it.

 

All of us here might be complete strangers, but we are so supportive and we will always want nothing but to help you and see through this time.

 

Take our advice,

 

 

 

xxx