frozensprouts Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 This question is not meant to cause hurt or anger, but I'm hoping it will get some responses that may be helpful to someone... There is a thread going about sex and marriage in another section, and It made me wonder why some spouses don't want to have sex with their husbands or wives... Is it that you don't care about them or love them anymore,is it you just aren't interested, is it that something is "wrong" in you ) a health issue or e,optional issue, etc.) , or are they doing/ not doing something that is killing you passion and interest in sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Whatitistoburn Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) I have been wondering about this too. For us, i have come to believe it's the age difference and that hes just not interested in sex anymore. Hes 10 yrs older. He doesnt have a problem, no more alcohol issues, busy but i dont think hes THAT busy to make time for it, hes not into porn, not cheating, etc, He kisses and cuddles me, flirts with me in the car, hes really really sweet, kind, loving. he tells me he loves me and shows it BUT we only have sex 1-2 times a month. He used to wake me in the middle of the night and we do it but for the past months, there were times when he did that and fell asleep after a few minutes leaving me wide awake and horny and i cant bear myself to touch myself and finish. So i dont know. One time we were watching tv and it was about cheating. I teased him and said, Maybe youre cheating! He said that weve talked about it and its a deal breaker and therell be no second chances. H also said, "gaad, im too old and too busy for that. Cant even handle you! Lol" I know hes had his "wild days" when he was young and could it be that hes experienced it all and has "retired" from all that sex and just want a calm, relaxed life focusing more on career ? Every time we do it, its always GREAT though. he once said that thats the good thing about not regularly doing it, every time you do it, its always great! I love my husband and some might think its unhealthy but i am trying to focus on other things, more productive things everytime i feel horny and i know i cant make love to my H. Im also trying to learn to masturbate. I just cant do it. I dont want just sex, I want to make love with my husband. Its not just sex, its the act of connecting and feeling the love and affection and sexual attraction that my H has for me and at the same time making him feel that. ..if that makes senseat all Edited April 5, 2013 by Whatitistoburn Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I have been wondering about this too. For us, i have come to believe it's the age difference and that hes just not interested in sex anymore. Hes 10 yrs older. He doesnt have a problem, no more alcohol issues, busy but i dont think hes THAT busy to make time for it, hes not into porn, not cheating, etc, He kisses and cuddles me, flirts with me in the car, hes really really sweet, kind, loving. he tells me he loves me and shows it BUT we only have sex 1-2 times a month. He used to wake me in the middle of the night and we do it but for the past months, there were times when he did that and fell asleep after a few minutes leaving me wide awake and horny and i cant bear myself to touch myself and finish. So i dont know. One time we were watching tv and it was about cheating. I teased him and said, Maybe youre cheating! He said that weve talked about it and its a deal breaker and therell be no second chances. H also said, "gaad, im too old and too busy for that. Cant even handle you! Lol" I know hes had his "wild days" when he was young and could it be that hes experienced it all and has "retired" from all that sex and just want a calm, relaxed life focusing more on career ? Every time we do it, its always GREAT though. he once said that thats the good thing about not regularly doing it, every time you do it, its always great! I love my husband and some might think its unhealthy but i am trying to focus on other things, more productive things everytime i feel horny and i know i cant make love to my H. Im also trying to learn to masturbate. I just cant do it. I dont want just sex, I want to make love with my husband. Its not just sex, its the act of connecting and feeling the love and affection and sexual attraction that my H has for me and at the same time making him feel that. ..if that makes senseat all I dont know how old he is, but Id bet willing to bet his Testosterone level has fallen off a cliff. Its an easy fix and a simple blood test will tell the story..Tell him to get it checked, but then be careful what you wish for. TFOY Link to post Share on other sites
Trailweary48 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I only have sex with my husband maybe once a month and we've been married almost 5 years. I'm in my late 20s and he is in his early 30s. I just never want sex. NEVER. Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I just never want sex. NEVER. I find it striking how many spouses who are the ones refusing sex claim they just don't have a (high) libido. That's not a valid reason. I NEVER feel like doing the dishes, yet I do them daily. Agreed, that analogy is a bit far-fetched, but to have a sexless relationship, sex is most probably actively refused to one of the spouses, and that requires more reasons than just not really feeling like it, assuming you love your spouse. Assuming your H would like more than 1/month, why don't you give him more? IMO, the "I never want sex" is a euphemism for "I really don't want to have sex (with him), it repulses me, I can't bear the thought". The difference is massive: the former suggest an absence of a positive force, the latter is the strong presence of a negative force. The latter is an issue that that spouse should deal with, perhaps related to childhood trauma, or to a totally erroneous choice of partner. By formulating it as the former they want to escape that responsibility. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we are both young, and I never want to get physically intimate with him. We have been through some rough times (I had a mostly emotional/a little physical affair, but it's over and I've let my husband know), but even before that, it was like that. The funny thing is, my H has no intimacy issues with me, even after the EA. I love him to death, and I am always physically close to him, meaning, I love cuddling and being next to him and hugging/kissing him, but I just have no interest in taking it any further. I hate it, mostly for him, since he still has the interest. It's definitely something wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to be on some medication to increase my libido when I'm still in my 20s. It's pretty frustrating, to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 (edited) My ex and I just didn't ever have a very robust sex life. We meet in high school and the first year we had sex a good bit but after that and for the rest of our courtship and marriage we just didn't have sex as much as others. He was never that interested. I know that our first year of marriage, we went the first 6 months before having sex and it wasn't until maybe the first 4 months that it even registered with me. I wanted to have sex more, I tried lots of things over the years, it just wasn't something he wanted more than maybe once a month/quarter. Just the way it always was. And he had no interest in discussing it. For me the attraction fell when he gained weight at times and at times his hygiene. Sex never lasted more than a couple minutes and it wasn't terribly satisfying. But we had a very good friendship, enjoyed each others company and just had other areas of our lives that made us happy so for a number of years while it was an issue it wasn't the dealbreaking issue it became after I turned 30. Edited April 6, 2013 by Got it Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we are both young, and I never want to get physically intimate with him. We have been through some rough times (I had a mostly emotional/a little physical affair, but it's over and I've let my husband know), but even before that, it was like that. The funny thing is, my H has no intimacy issues with me, even after the EA. I love him to death, and I am always physically close to him, meaning, I love cuddling and being next to him and hugging/kissing him, but I just have no interest in taking it any further. I hate it, mostly for him, since he still has the interest. It's definitely something wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to be on some medication to increase my libido when I'm still in my 20s. It's pretty frustrating, to say the least. Yeah...funny...there's something wrong with you, yet you are the one getting exactly what you want. I hope for his sake he's having an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HogHead Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I read all this bull#$%+ about sexless marriages and here's the deal. You got married and you have an obligation to "Please Your Spouse" if there is no abuse and both of you love and care about each other and help with alll daily obligations of a marriage. Am I wrong? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I read all this bull#$%+ about sexless marriages and here's the deal. You got married and you have an obligation to "Please Your Spouse" if there is no abuse and both of you love and care about each other and help with alll daily obligations of a marriage. Am I wrong? Yes, but not in the "wifely duty sex" kind of way, which is very emotionally dissatisfying, rather, if a healthy person has an unexplained and prolonged drop of libido, they should look to find the cause. If they had a low sex drive to start with, well in that case you knew what you were getting into when you married them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I find it striking how many spouses who are the ones refusing sex claim they just don't have a (high) libido. That's not a valid reason. I NEVER feel like doing the dishes, yet I do them daily. Agreed, that analogy is a bit far-fetched, but to have a sexless relationship, sex is most probably actively refused to one of the spouses, and that requires more reasons than just not really feeling like it, assuming you love your spouse. Assuming your H would like more than 1/month, why don't you give him more? IMO, the "I never want sex" is a euphemism for "I really don't want to have sex (with him), it repulses me, I can't bear the thought". The difference is massive: the former suggest an absence of a positive force, the latter is the strong presence of a negative force. The latter is an issue that that spouse should deal with, perhaps related to childhood trauma, or to a totally erroneous choice of partner. By formulating it as the former they want to escape that responsibility. I don't think it's as simple as that, honestly. Not excusing those who are completely uninterested in fixing their lack of sexual desire, but you can't compare having sex to washing the dishes. If you wash the dishes out of duty and aren't enjoying it, it makes no difference to the dishes. They don't care whether or not you're enjoying yourself when you wash them. In contrast, I'd like to think that most people do care that their spouse is not enjoying him/herself during sex with them. It wouldn't be satisfying for many people to have sex with someone who really wasn't into it and just doing it out of duty. Speaking purely for myself, it would be pointless. So, I don't think forcing oneself to do it will be the solution when it comes to a plummeting sex drive. Rather, seek to find out the reason for the drop, and work towards resolving it together. And Turtles is right, if it was incompatible to begin with, you should never have remained together long enough to marry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 My biggest question is, how and why the hell are they married...?! Link to post Share on other sites
Holyoak Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I got tired of the "that's ALL you want" B.S.... No, not all, and got real tired of the head games; you know, you wisper in her ear how hot she is, what you might like to do with her, etc... And you get the seductive smile and "LAAAAATER"... Yeah, then later happens and it's: Leg cramps, too hot, too cold in the room, the bed will get messed up, I just took a shower, need to shower, my hair will get messed up, just put on makeup, etc, ad infinitim. She seemed well pleased when we did make love, never complained, and it was so frustrating to be treated like this. I really think she had no idea how a good sexual relationship is vital in most marriages, I never ever considered getting my "needs" met elsewhere, yet she went out and cheated. Yeah, I know for potential reasons other than sex, just the same, I wish she would have said something before destroying me and ultimately herself. But hey, so much easier to blame me, than take the blame for her selfish, cowardly actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 In contrast, I'd like to think that most people do care that their spouse is not enjoying him/herself during sex with them. It wouldn't be satisfying for many people to have sex with someone who really wasn't into it and just doing it out of duty. Speaking purely for myself, it would be pointless. Which suggests again that few women actually understand the force that is male libido. Of course it is more fulfilling with a partner who is also enjoying it, but still, sex with a partner who does that only to please (let me call it that instead of duty), is still a thousand times better than no sex. Why else would men seek out escorts/prostitutes? We men need regular sex, otherwise we become dysfunctional! Hence, a woman who refuses her husband sex should have a very very good reason why it's not possible for her to have sex. Just "not feeling like it" is a very poor reason to destroy the relationship, because ultimately, refusing sex on a regular basis is just that. But, my point was that those women who refuse sex, even though they might say "I'm not in the mood right now", actually know the consequences of refusing sex, but they are not "not in the mood", they have much larger hang-ups, that they (or the couple, because the origin of the problem may be with the SO) ought to deal with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 My biggest question is, how and why the hell are they married...?! Bait and switch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) Bait and switch. This would be a good reason to consider someone who only wants vanilla sex a deal breaker. If a person does not find sex anything more than a "duty" or something you have to do, then it's likely sex will never be something he/she wants to do. You must as well leave and find someone who enjoys sex for what it is and thinks of it as a "hobby" that you explore rather than just an ancillary part of a relationship. Edited April 10, 2013 by USMCHokie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Which suggests again that few women actually understand the force that is male libido. Of course it is more fulfilling with a partner who is also enjoying it, but still, sex with a partner who does that only to please (let me call it that instead of duty), is still a thousand times better than no sex. Why else would men seek out escorts/prostitutes? We men need regular sex, otherwise we become dysfunctional! Not a great idea to generalize. There are also men who absolutely do not enjoy sex with an unresponsive or unenthusiastic partner, period. You need to swing by the S&R section of LS more often. Hence, a woman who refuses her husband sex should have a very very good reason why it's not possible for her to have sex. Just "not feeling like it" is a very poor reason to destroy the relationship, because ultimately, refusing sex on a regular basis is just that. But, my point was that those women who refuse sex, even though they might say "I'm not in the mood right now", actually know the consequences of refusing sex, but they are not "not in the mood", they have much larger hang-ups, that they (or the couple, because the origin of the problem may be with the SO) ought to deal with. The bolded was what I was suggesting, yes. It seemed to me that you were suggesting people should just have sex even if they don't feel like it, as opposed to seeking out the root of the problem. Did I misunderstand? Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) The bolded was what I was suggesting, yes. It seemed to me that you were suggesting people should just have sex even if they don't feel like it, as opposed to seeking out the root of the problem. Did I misunderstand? Maybe my communication was not entirely clear. This is what I meant: - if you don't feel like having sex, but your partner does, then you do it to please him/her. E.g when you'd rather jump out of bed to go running in the beautiful sunshine, but your partner wants a quickie before you go out, well then you give him/her that quick one. And you do it with some enthusiasm, because you love him/her, and you want to make him/her happy. In this scenario, there is no real big problem at the root. - if you hate having sex (with him/her), you recognize there's an issue with you or the relationship, and you deal with it. My personal frustration embedded in my posts is that I've had relationships with women who claimed number 1, but in fact were in regime 2, but not honest about that. So I'm very sensitive to the sentence "I don't feel like having sex" to justify there not being any sex. It's either dishonest or selfish. Edited April 12, 2013 by Mint Sauce 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I got tired of the "that's ALL you want" B.S.... No, not all, and got real tired of the head games; you know, you wisper in her ear how hot she is, what you might like to do with her, etc... And you get the seductive smile and "LAAAAATER"... Yeah, then later happens and it's: Leg cramps, too hot, too cold in the room, the bed will get messed up, I just took a shower, need to shower, my hair will get messed up, just put on makeup, etc, ad infinitim. She seemed well pleased when we did make love, never complained, and it was so frustrating to be treated like this. I really think she had no idea how a good sexual relationship is vital in most marriages, I never ever considered getting my "needs" met elsewhere, yet she went out and cheated. Yeah, I know for potential reasons other than sex, just the same, I wish she would have said something before destroying me and ultimately herself. But hey, so much easier to blame me, than take the blame for her selfish, cowardly actions. I could have written this post word for word. We had a perfectly good sex life until we had our first child. Then it got shut off like the spigot was closed with a torque wrench. Seven years I tolerated what you described; we'd go months at a time without having sex and I tried every approach ever written about. Then suddenly it went to twice a week for a year. I thought we had made it and my perseverance had gotten us through. Then I discovered she'd been with an OM twice a week for the year as well. It broke me and us. Sad waste of 19 years with two small kids in the middle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I think your answer is among the most honest I've seen- it recognizes both members role in the situation the conflict created by incompatible expectations and behaviour. Another woman might have found his behaviour exciting and fresh, another man might have found her "vanilla" sex completely satisfying. Neither is wrong for their desires. I am not sure if men or women are more likely to lose interest in sex- or rather lose interest in having sex with the person they are living with, not sex in general and that's the kicker. Sex and spending seem to be the too most critical aspects to a making a marriage especially good or toxic. I'm not sure how they can be considered properly before getting into a relationship since it's so hard to talk about either openly and so difficult to change anyone's spending habits or sexual appetite. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) I wish I knew why it has gotten so bad, but then again, after years of trying to figure it out myself (and its complicated with long story), I am paying $120 a week for marriage therapist with an expertise is sex therapy (a woman) - to have the conversation (and sometimes argument) with my wife. While this is painful process for both of us, I must admit some relief and slight strange humor in having "another woman" (and a pretty one to boot) essentially take over the debate/argument/requests for sex I have been having with wife for a long while - and then seeing the same puzzled expressions and response on therapists face - that I have had with wife. Worth the $120 just for that feeling of some justification in my unhappiness and puzzlement. By the way - to be fair, I have had one or two sessions where I got the "frowney face" from the therapist - for my less than positive behavior/actions with wife - I know I got work to do. I am accountable and willing to accept my own work as it comes up in therapy. For better or for worse,... and nobody on their wedding day is thinking about the "for worse" part. Edited April 12, 2013 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) By the way - I do think there is an argument to be made (as has been brought up in this thread), about giving when you don't feel like it. That's love. It could be sex, or take your spouse to the opera, or spending the day at a festival or craft show expo, or rubbing their smelly feet when they are hurting, that you really don't like at all - but you do it for the pleasure it brings your spouse. Joy in anothers joy is love as well. Edited April 12, 2013 by dichotomy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JD1977 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I think whatever works for each couple, wether that is 2x day or 2x year is fine, as long as they are both happy. That being said..... My husband never wants to have sex and when we do, it's not great. (I know for sure be is not having an affair) I think he just doesn't have the energy. But I want sex frequently! I would never have an affair, because it's not in my character to do so, but I can certainly see how men who are not getting it from their wives are tempted. Lucky for us woman there is always the Costco battery pack! Sorry....TMI! Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 There is a definite correlation between stress, and sex drive suppression. We are under more stress in this age than in any age before this one. The way we stress about our lives every day, is like being in a warzone from cradle to grave. For a lot of people, bringing sex back into their lives could be as simple as creating a low stress home. People are not very aware how dangerous cronic stress is to our health. Scientists have found through studies that after a stressful event, the immune system is suppressed by 6-8 hours. If you live a stressful life, it would be good to seek out a psychologist specializing in hypnotherapy, or doing a stress reducing activity like yoga, or even just controlled breathing exercises. You'd be suprised how when stress is reduced, that our sex lives improve drastically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted April 19, 2013 Share Posted April 19, 2013 From what I've read (male POV) they either don't like sex or have grown to resent you and that kills their libido. Link to post Share on other sites
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