Now he leaves?

[cherryiice]

I'm going to try to make this as easy to understand as possible, but more than likely, I'm going to jump around quite a bit, so I apologize for that. My goal in posting this is to get some helpful feedback on ways to deal with my situation. This is all still really fresh, and I can't really deal with people telling me to move on, get over it, you'll find someone better, he doesn't want to be with you... ect. I'm getting enough of that from the people I talk to in "real life". So here goes:

 

My ex (can't believe I have to call him that!) and I would have been together for 3 years in May. Our relationship from about 9 mos on has been rocky and chaotic, almost entirely because 9 mos into the relationship, he relapsed, and spent the next two years using on and off. I am also in recovery from substance abuse, so dating someone who is actively using is not something that I'm okay with. But nevertheless, I stayed with him. At times, I would kick him out and/or "break up" with him, but in reality, even when he was getting high, we never went more than a couple days without talking. At this point, one would wonder why I stayed by him through the nightmare (and believe me, it was a nightmare, addiction is a very scary and horrible thing to watch someone you love go through). There are a couple reasons: First, I understand what it means to be an addict and thoroughly understand what he was going through. Second, through my own experience, I know that sustained recovery is possible and attainable, and for almost the entirety of his using, he continued to try to get and stay clean. So basically, I dont blame him for the things he did while using and I could never give up hope that this time he would get it. Third, the beginning of our relationship was magical, and whenever we spent time together while he was not high, I would get a glimpse of that again. He just makes me happy, and we have fun together. I always say, we were the type of couple that could have fun going to the grocery store.

 

So fast forward to about 5 mos ago, when he agreed to go into treatment again. Because of past failures to make it work, I told him he could not come home after treatment, that he needed to go into a long term program (a recovery house). He agreed and moved about 60 miles away to a program that I found online. While he was in treatment, and for the first month or so that he was in the house, I really struggled with trust and insecurity. I worried that he would get clean and decide he didn't love me, or become a different person, or a million other things. And of course, I was still scared that he would end up using again. But what I began to see over time was what I had wanted to see all along, him devoting himself 100% to his recovery and staying clean as a result. It was a slow process, but over the last few months, we were able to build up a lot of the trust that was destroyed when he was using. Additionally, I began to see that my fears were unwarranted, that he wasn't becoming a different person in recovery, that he was just becoming more himself (almost as if the drugs had been watering down his personality). I actually told him last month that I thought I was falling in love with him all over again. And we were doing really well also. Because of the rules of the house, he was only able to come home one day a week, if at all. So a lot of the fights we had centered around the issue of distance, primarily, him not calling when he said he would. Maybe its unrealistic or crazy, but I like to be in contact with my SO throughout the day, via talking and or txt and like to spend some time at the end of the day having a more substantial conversation. And while this seemed to be an issue of contention, the last few weeks (before the breakup) were amazing, he was doing a great job of calling when he said he would and told me that he had been making an extra effort to spend more time talking to me.

That is not to say everything was perfect in either of our lives. We both lost our jobs at the beginning of march (not a surprise, we both knew the positions would be ending) and while he found something new within a couple.weeks, I was still unemployed when all of this happened and getting more and more stressed and worried as the days passed without my finding something. Additionally, the only job he could find was a nightshift position which neither of us were happy about. I knew it would affect the already meager amount of time I got with him, and he was upset about having to miss the meetings (AA) that he enjoyed going to. Additionally, I had been complaining for a while on a very regular basis about how much I hated only seeing him once a week (something that I would now be quite grateful to have).

 

So three weekends ago, he came home for his weekly overnight. I got news that day that a position I had interviewed for was given to someone else, and I was extremely depressed and stressed out as a result. He tried his best to snap me out of it, but I just couldn’t get out of the funk. We started talking about what would happen if I couldn’t find work and when he was coming home. I told him that if I didn’t find something in a month or so, and it came down to me getting evicted bc I couldn’t pay the rent, that he would have to come home and help me. I remember him saying that he didn’t know what he was supposed to do, that he doesnt want to use any more and that he didn’t feel ready to come home. I already knew bc of previous conversations that being home still gave him anxiety and made him uncomfortable because this is the area he used in. But when I expressed sadness over him feeling uncomfortable at home, he compared it to starting a new well paying job where he would initially feel uncomfortable. I said to him, yes, but there not 10,000 dollars waiting for you here (the amount this imaginary job paid weekly) and he said “no, but youre here”. So when I was making demands about him coming home, he said to me, “what if I come home to help you and I end up using and I tear our life apart again?” Notice the “our life”. How do you make reference to our life and then end the relationship days later?

 

The conversation continued later that evening, with me bringing up again how much I hate barely getting to see him. He accepted blame for the circumstances, and I got the impression that he took my hating the circumstances as a reflection of my feelings towards him. I tried explaining that while I hate the situation, I don’t blame him for it, that I want him to be doing what he needs to do to stay clean. He said that I deserve someone who has their **** together, that could provide for me and make me happy. I told him I dont want anyone else, that he was the only person I want, and that I love him. The rest of the night and the next morning went a lot better, I snapped out of my funk and told him that I knew no matter what happened, that we would get through it. Dropped him off Sunday morning, spoke to him later that day, everything seemed completely fine.

 

Next day, he was supposed to be starting night shift and that morning, I couldn’t get ahold of him. When he finally called a couple hours later, I was really pissed. I mean, how hard is it to shoot someone a txt saying I’ll call you later, “I’m doing_____ right now?” I said that and told him I was too angry to talk to him. When I tried calling him back after I cooled off, he wouldn’t answer. That continued for 3 days. He wouldn’t answer my calls or txts. It had been a long time since he had behaved like that, normally when we fight, we might go a few days without talking, but its because neither person initiates contact, not bc one is completely ignoring the other. So I was freaking out and worried also. By wednesday, I was in crazy person mode, I think I called him 50 times in a row that night. FInally got him on the phone Thurs and he told me in the course of a 10 min conversation that he couldn’t be with me any more, that he needed space, that he couldnt handle being in a relationship and that was about all I could get out of him. Got him to talk to me longer on Saturday, but still don’t feel like I got a straight answer. On the one hand he said he needed a break, that he was overwhelmed, that he wanted to use, that he couldnt take the pressure, that when he forgot to call he would feel guilty and it felt like he was walking around with 15lbs on his shoulders all the time. But on the other hand, he was also saying things like, we’re not right for each other, we’re two different people, I’m sorry I led you on, I’ve been feeling like this for months... I asked him if we took some space, could we get together in two weeks and talk? And he said maybe. And I said, and Ill try to not call you or txt you in those two weeks, and he said ok, and I might call you before then. I also asked him if he was still wearing the engraved necklace I had bought him 2.5 years ago that he never takes off and still had our pictures in his wallet, and he said “of course”. That made me feel a lot better, but that same day, I began hearing rumors of him driving around in some girls car. I asked him about it, but he denied driving any car, and denied seeing anyone else. He’s always frowned upon people who cheat on their SO, so if he was doing something like that, it would be out of character for the person he is trying to be today.

 

I was completely devastated by all of this, felt like the floor had been pulled out from under me. Sitting in our apartment, surrounded by our stuff, I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I was scared and incredibly confused, how could the person I stood by for so long just up and leave me when he finally started doing well? I kept calling and texting him, trying to get more answers about what was going on, trying to talk to my best friend, trying to get him to say he made a mistake. But since that weekend, he hasn’t answered one call or text. This Saturday marks the two weeks I said I’d give him but I really don’t believe I’m going to hear from him to plan our sit down. In the last week, I’ve done a lot better with not contacting him. I haven’t been perfect, but I’m trying to give him that space I promised him. I spoke to him mom via email to see if she had spoken to him and if she knew what was going on, and she contacted me after easter to tell me that she had finally heard from him and that he isn’t seeing anyone else but thinks I should start dating, that he is struggling and trying to focus on his recovery, and that he wants to build a new life in his new area where no one knows his past. This devastated me all over again.

 

One thing I should mention is that something similar to this happened before. A year and a half ago, he was clean for about 4 mos (same as this time ironically) and I broke up with him because I didn’t like a lot of the things he was doing and he was being sneaky and suspicious. Within a day, I decided I had made a mistake, but he did not want to get back together when I asked. Our contact was reduced over the next month, I know he was avoiding me at times, but nothing like this. Toward the end of our month apart, we were basically back together, hanging out, talking, sleeping together, but when I would ask if we could be together again, he would say no, and when I would ask if we would get back together, he would say yes. And we did end up getting back together, it felt like an eternity, but the whole thing only lasted about a month. Of course, he ended up using about a week after we got back together.

 

The other thing I should mention is that throughout the course of our relationship, a future together has been discussed and at this point, I thought it was a given. We both make references to the future, to getting married, kids, etc. He just turned 30 and I’ll be 29 in a couple months.

 

I’m having a really hard time accepting that this is over, I just can’t believe that what we had can disappear over night, and I’m trying to stick to the idea that he is just completely overwhelmed by his life right now and that being in a relationship is more than he can handle. Through this experience, I’ve realized that I have a lot of work to do in the areas of co-dependency and that some of the things I’ve been doing over the time we’ve been together have been unhealthy and have potentially made things more difficult than need be for him. Likewise, with barely 5 mos clean, he has a ton of work to do on himself as well to learn how to be a functioning healthy adult. What really gets me is when I think of how much I miss him and how badly I want to talk to him and what is going on with him that he isn’t feeling the same way. He was my best friend and I thought I was his, and I don’t know how my absence in his life isnt killing him the way its killing me.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I just want to give you a huge hug! I am so sorry youre going through all of this pain right now. I dont know what to really say here. I may tell you certain things, but leaving and ending things and telling you you can do better, move on, blah blah blah isnt one of them. It may be the right thing to do in some circumstances, and in others, maybe not. I am not the judge of this. It does sound like your relationship was full of ups and downs and it sounded overwhelming hearing it to be honest. I can see why you would both feel overwhelmed by it all.

 

Having dealt with alcohol abuse growing up with parents who stayed together even through the addiction, and the getting sober, and then dealing with addiction with my partner, I am well versed in addiction. I dont so much worry he will fall off the wagon now, as it has been years (although not impossible) but I do worry about the impact it has had and would like to deal with whatever comes our way in the future as best I can.

 

It is why I found LS to begin with. I needed help with my own emotions and feelings in the matter. I have resentment and I would like to move past that. I want to know how others cope and deal with these things. Since finding LS, I found answers I didnt even know I needed. I am really glad you are here and you found LS too.

 

It is extremely painful reading your story, but I am so glad you shared it and got it out in the open. I am here with you and for you. It isnt easy, but fight for who you love and what you love. Dont allow yourself to be treated as a doormat, but if you love someone, you dont just give up on them either.

[cherryiice]

Thanks for your response. It's nice to know someone actually read my post. Since I've posted this, I have had some contact with him. He actually answered the phone sunday after two weeks of not answering and not texting me back. But nothing of substance was really discussed. He said we could talk face to face this weekend, but after the text convo I had with him Tues, Im not planning on being the one to call and set that up. I've basically realized that he only cares to have contact with me when I text him something that makes him think I'm moving on or something. I think he talked to me Sunday because Friday night I sent him a bunch of really angry mean texts saying that I never wanted anything to do with him ever again. And then Tues, I got upset when he wouldnt answer my calls or texts and told him that I was going to find someone better and that the next time he asks me out, I was going to say yes (implying that theres someone who has been asking me out (which there kind of is someone who I know is interested, but he's def not better and not anyone I would consider). After my massive crazy text and phone call freakout, I got a text from him two hours later saying he's happy Ive found someone. And basically being really passive aggressive. I got the feeling he was looking for me to say that there isn't anyone else, but I wouldnt give him the satisfaction. The convo ended with me saying, "you dont want me, you just dont want anyone else to have me" THat was two days ago and he still hasnt responded... I dont know what to think at this point

It seems like he gets upset when he thinks im going somewhere, but obviously not upset enough to try to stop me... Im going to try to leave him alone for a while and see what happens. My feeling is, that after enough time passes, he'll start to worry that I really am moving on and Ill hear from him, but Idk if thats just wishful thinking or what.

The one thing he said on sunday was that talking to me and thinking about me is painful. I texted him something about a place we used to go being open and he said "stop making me think about you". So my only fear with leaving him alone is that Im making it easier for him to not think about me and thus, continue to avoid his feelings. But I know that I can't continue to be the only one who wants this, and even if a part of him wants it too, he's not going to show me that if I keep pursuing him. Ill just be making it too easy for him... right?

[Clep]

I have read both your initial post and the most recent response. I remember being in your shoes, except I am not an addict. My husband was many years ago. We split three times.

 

The first two times we split I was obsessed with how to get him back and what he was doing. I texted him and tried to get him to talk with me. He just didn't want to be around me. I was devastated.

 

The third time he left, I went to his house on my birthday forgetting it was even my birthday I was so wrapped up in him. I found him in bed with someone. Life changed drastically for me. I was immediately no longer all wrapped up in him. I didn't call him or bother. I spent the next year working on me. He started emailing and texting me. I ignored them all and made my mental health my first and only priority and that of our son. I went to a divorce course, dived into personal development books, did several more parenting courses and worked.

 

After about a year, he contacted me and I was not nice at all. He had no contact with our son and I was irate about what he had put our son through. He kept calling and I kept telling him off. That went on for three weeks until I started to see the change in him. We ended up reconciling and he goes to cognitive behavioral therapy still. It has been four years that we have been together and happy. We were married last year. Aside from him driving me crazy financially in the past few months things are amazing now. Even the financial part has been worked out in the past two weeks.

 

What I am saying is work on yourself. Addicts are very challenged by intimate relationships and they tend to relapse if not ready. AA helps but only to a point I believe. If I were you, I would get into a psychologists office and get your life together. It's pretty hard to lose and addict, so you both won't be forgetting each other any time soon. My intent is not to offend, but right now your aren't any better for him than he is for you. Take care of yourself and your own needs. Make yourself a better person and you will be a better partner. You may be with him in the future, you may not. The point is, once you work on yourself, it won't matter anymore if he is gone. You will know you have made it when you don't have to have anyone including him.

 

You are welcome to pm me anytime. I am always here.

[So happy together]

I read your post and all I could think was that you are not giving him a chance to miss you. The best way you can get him to want you back is to be fabulous without him. Work, keep up your appearance, and work on your happiness. Don't call him obsessively. 50 times in a row? Wow. If you work on you, he'll come around. Or he won't. If he does, great. If not, you'll find someone else and be a better person for having worked so hard to be a better person. I'm a little concerned that when I read this post I thought it was a teenager posting. You're too old to chase him like this. Stand tall. Live your life for you.