bulldoggirl Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 Hi gang, I've been struggling with my feelings for a few months now, I think it all started right before hubby & I's 2nd anniversary....see, when we got married, we said we'd wait 2 years before trying to get pregnant. Well, the closer that 2 year mark got, the more I knew I didn't want kids any time soon, if ever....some of you may have seen my other post about him cheating shortly before our anniversary, and I was unsure about having kids before that happened, and now I'm even more unsure. One thing that really p*ssed me off was that his mom & grandmother both made comments shortly after we got back together about us having kids...I felt like saying, "where the h*ll have you been the past few months??? WHY would I want to start a family right now?????" Anyway, I guess I just always assumed that I'd have kids someday...you know, that's the way most people grow up....it's not really a choice, you just figure that eventually you'll have a family. But right now, I'm not ready & I'm scared to death that I never will be....I'll be 26 next month, and DH is also 26. I know he wants kids really badly someday....he wants a son to carry on his family name (imagine that) and I'm scared to death that he'll leave me if I never "come around" & get that "baby bug", know what I mean? Right now we have a dog & 2 cats and I honestly think that I'm able to meet my "mothering" needs through them....I even told DH one time that I could just having bulldogs or other animals & be perfectly happy without kids....he was pretty dissapointed by that. I guess what I'd like to know is, have any of you felt ambivilant (sp.) about having kids and changed your mind? Thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 Hi Bulldoggirl. Don't allow anyone to push you into having children until YOU feel it's the right time. You're 26 years old, times have changed. Women these days are not having kids before they are 30 so there is plenty of time. And if you don't want to have kids, don't have them. Don't do it just because that 'we got married and it's supposed to happen next...' story. I am 33. Not there yet when it comes to having kids. My husband is fine with whatever I decide. I have 2 nieces and 3 nephews as well as some wonderful neighbours and friends who all have kids as well! I know I will be a great mother, just right now I don't want the responsibility of them. It's okay to decide maybe one day you may not have kids. I know how hard it is as well when you have other family members and friends asking you all the time. So just tell them to back off, it's none of their business when and IF you two have kids. They'll know when you decide. Not the other way around. Hang in there! WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldoggirl Posted September 14, 2004 Author Share Posted September 14, 2004 Thank you WWIU!! We live in a small town, and I swear people don't realize that there's more to life than graduating high school, getting married then popping out babies. It's sooo frustrating sometimes!!! I respect the girls my age & younger that got married young & wanted to start their families right away & I wish they'd respect my feelings of not being ready, and being unsure....having kids is not for everyone, and I just don't buy into that whole get married, must have kids mentality. That was something that upset me when we went to counselling, the man said basically that "well, you WILL be having children right? because that's what marriage is for...etc" I wanted to scream. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 It's alot better to wait if you aren't sure. Too many people have kids when they don't want to. Some kids grow up in happy and healthy homes. Some don't. My friend gave in, had kids. She really didn't want them...But as it turned out she's the happiest mom i've ever seen in my life! In some cases you don't know until you're there! Take as much time as you need! I'm glad that you're doing therapy to help too. I think it takes alot of heart and courage to say 'NO KIDS'. I wish more would do that and really listen to their hearts instead of having kids when they really don't want them. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 It's called 'I'm Ok You're a Brat' and the author is Susan Jeffers. It's about what parenting is really like and it's hilarious! It also goes into how people are pressured to have kids when they're not ready to and why society does this. I think it may be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 If you do not want to have children then do not have children. After all, you are the one who is going to have to be pregnant and give birth. Unless you are sure that you want to go ahead with this, which you clearly are not, try to put it on the back burner. It may also be a good idea to talk at length and in detail to your husband about why you do not wish to have children at this point, if you have not already done so. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsycat Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 I never wanted children not sure why but I know that a video they showed me in high school at 16 didn't help. 25 years on I remember it vividly, anyway that's another story. I remember at age 30 about the time I got married feeling an enormous amount of pressure to have children. One day I was walking up the steps from the train coming home from work and I just said to myself "you know what you don't have to think about this for at least 5 years". Then 4 years later out of nowhere, I developed this overwhelming urge to have a child. I know my husband was absolutely stunned . As it came to pass we couldn't get pregnant and so at 40 I don't have any children and I'm ok with that. But what I wanted to tell you is just how suddenly I changed my mind. It happens. But whatever you do don't do it unless you're completely ready, and don't do it because other people want you to because it's a huge responsibility to take on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldoggirl Posted September 19, 2004 Author Share Posted September 19, 2004 Thanks gypsycat! My mom said she went though a phase where she didn't want kids either, but later on was bitten by the "baby bug". So I guess you never know! I just want to be "normal", whatever that is hahaha. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 ...but also quite possible you won't! At 16 I knew I didn't want kids and people would tell me, "Oh wait until you're in your twenties. You'll change your mind!" At 28 I still knew I didn't want kids and people said, "Oh wait until you're thirty!" Now I'm 38 and I still get, "Oh, but you should have them. What if you change your mind?" Imagine me telling a pregnant woman, "Oh, you shouldn't have this baby. You might change your mind about wanting to be a mother!" I mean, c'mon! Yes, some people change their minds and some don't. We all give up some things in order to have other things. That's life. Whatever you decide, do it because it's what YOU want. Not what other people expect you to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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