backinthedatinggame Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 This evening I took my kids for a walk. My 5 year old daughter started telling me how she likes playing with Daddy's new friend (i.e. the girlfriend he just started dating). She told me that they play a game called hotdog. I asked what that was. She said, "Oh, you know. Daddy and "Dora" lay on either side of me. The squish up to me and tickle me and mess with me and stuff." I asked what do you mean mess with you? And she said "You know tickle me and stuff." So I asked where is your brother when that happens? (He's 7 and has Aspergers). She replies, oh he's just running all over the place then. This sounds really weird to me. Does it sound weird to you? Do I report it? Needless to say, not on good terms with the ex as he is mentally ill and I left with the kids because he was verbally abusive and starting to be physically abusive against the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Yes, combined with the abuse your ex H subjected the kids to while you were still with him, and your statement about him being mentally disturbed, this would definitely concern me. I would talk to him, just you and him, sit him down and have a talk about acceptable behavior and how to raise your kids and whom/what to expose them to or not expose them to, and that's it. Only one talk. And then step in with the help of the responsible authorities.* Link to post Share on other sites
Author backinthedatinggame Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 While that's the logical way to go about it, the issue arises with the fact that he won't talk with me about the kids. We have issues about that dealing with my son's Asperger's. But, that's a whole other story! Since he won't talk, I feel like emailing him about it but am also wondering if I should notify someone else. My lawyer? The kids doctor? Etc. I don't want to be too rash. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill. But, I want to keep my kids safe and teach them proper boundaries. He's only known this woman 2 months tops and my kids have only met her 3-4 times. Link to post Share on other sites
WhoreyBull Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 If a little girl ever says that combination of words to me the first call is to a counselor, the second is to the Father who won't be seeing his child again. In 15 years she'll tell you dropping the hint about the hotdog game was a cry for help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Talk to a couselor. And them having met her 'just' 3-4 times in the 2 months they have been dating, is actually a problem in itself. You should wait 5-6 months at least and supervise the interaction as a parent [what he should be doing]. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 O. M. G. You really need alarm bells and red flags?? Mentally ill, previously abusive, " he won't talk with me about the kids" and you let the kids go there unsupervised - ?!?? If a little girl ever says that combination of words to me the first call is to a counselor, the second is to the Father who won't be seeing his child again. In 15 years she'll tell you dropping the hint about the hotdog game was a cry for help. ^^^ - THIS!! - ^^^ Pardon me - do you need YOUR head examining - ?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Child Protective Services. Link to post Share on other sites
Author backinthedatinggame Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I don't want unsupervised visits. Somehow he charmed the court appointmented law guardian and led her to believe past incidents were just mistakes and poor judgement and since then he has been fine. The kids lawyer said since he never harmed them enough that the kids had to go to the dr its just my word against his. I documented everything but he still gets to see them unsupervised. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Call Childrens Protective Services. Let THEM determine what's really happening. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 They'll probably say it's nothing to worry about though... It's really tricky... My family looked into pressing charges against my step sister and her husband for neglect and abuse of their children and were told by child protective services that there was nothing they could do, since the kids weren't being beaten up and were fed. The fact that they were emotionally abused and not bathed/dressed was of no consequence to them, since it would be their word against ours and that's not how it works when children are in the care of their parents... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Well, my stepmother turned in my husband (he's the only person who would stand up to her, so he had to go) to CPS saying he took showers with her (she neglected to add that he always had swim trunks on and daughter was 2 at the time), and they came out and interviewed her at her preschool just based on that. And we had to go in to their office so they could close the case. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Because that could be sexual abuse. With my step sister and her kids that was never on the table. The kids are just emotionally abused and neglected, but are provided basic care. (they eat and have clothes... even if the clothes haven't been washed in months, are 2 years old and covered in stains) Emotional abuse can take many forms and is very hard to prove, whereas sexual abuse is easier to pinpoint, as is physical abuse. So unless she suspects them of sexually abusing the girls, with the "tickling and stuff", there's really not much to go on. Letting a child "run around" inside the house is not really cause or the social services to come an visit... Hell, parents leave their kids in bed, unsupervised, at night, while they go to the pub and nothing is done! CPS can't come running everytime someone doesn't get along with their ex. Those things need to be worked out by the parents. It's what parenting is. But some things need further investigating and if it is deemed that the children are at risk, CPS will intervene! I don't think *this* case is it though... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 Based on OP's description, the FIRST thing I thought of was sexual abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author backinthedatinggame Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Yes, I was worried about the possibility of sexual abuse. I also don't like that it sets her up to being ok with strange adults touching her. And, that tickling can be used as a form of bullying! Wrote an email to the ex asking him to stop. Told him why I didn't like it and that if our daughter talked about it someone else might call CPS. (He's already had CPS called on him - not by me - because of things the kids said regarding tickling). He says it will stop. And, I'll know whether or not it does. My daughter loves to talk! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Playing the devil's advocate.....be careful how you approach this and it better be true what you are saying about your ex and his new GF. If you are being an alarmist for the sake of screwing with your ex you could end up having contempt of court charges filed against you. At this point paying attention to your child's behavior is more important than making reports. Child welfare services deal with far more pressing issues than a parent tickling his 5 y.o. child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Playing the devil's advocate.....be careful how you approach this and it better be true what you are saying about your ex and his new GF. If you are being an alarmist for the sake of screwing with your ex you could end up having contempt of court charges filed against you. At this point paying attention to your child's behavior is more important than making reports. Child welfare services deal with far more pressing issues than a parent tickling his 5 y.o. child. This is the point I was trying to make. I think you should, FOR SURE talk to your ex about it (which you have) and observe your child's behavior. but without proof, getting CPS involved could backfire for everyone... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 If it were the girl's parents doing it, I wouldn't think twice. But this is with a woman who is not her parent. Inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Playing devils advocate.... ever considered that hot dog might be... his gf and he are the buns. and your daughter is the hot dog. Just because you have an adult translation of what hotdog might be, doesn't mean something nefarious is going on here. As others have said.. its always worth looking into, but involving lawyers, protective services, etc.. sounds pretty extreme unless there is evidence of abuse. I'm in a shared parenting arrangement myself so I know how tricky it can be.. and sometimes its easy to jump to conclusions about the other parent. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 If it were the girl's parents doing it, I wouldn't think twice. But this is with a woman who is not her parent. Inappropriate. This kind of scaremongering drives me nuts! Not everyone is a child abuser! This mentality that no one can touch a child is borderline psychotic! She might not be related to the child, but have you ever considered she might care about the kids? She is dating their father! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Based on OP's description, the FIRST thing I thought of was sexual abuse. Of course you did. OP structured her post in a way that sexual abuse is implied. It is a very tricky situation, but people here already seem convinced that there is sexual abuse. Which is odd, because the daughter said she liked playing the game ( = very much not a cry for help ). Can you exclude sexual abuse? No. Can you be sure there is sexual abuse? No. Time to ask questions, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Playing devils advocate.... ever considered that hot dog might be... his gf and he are the buns. and your daughter is the hot dog. Just because you have an adult translation of what hotdog might be, doesn't mean something nefarious is going on here. As others have said.. its always worth looking into, but involving lawyers, protective services, etc.. sounds pretty extreme unless there is evidence of abuse. I'm in a shared parenting arrangement myself so I know how tricky it can be.. and sometimes its easy to jump to conclusions about the other parent. Also, think about where an unfounded complaint might take her. If I were the father and I was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile, I would say she is clearly unfit to be a mother as she is mentally unstable and is doing everything she can to destroy the relationship between my daughter and me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 Playing the devil's advocate.....be careful how you approach this and it better be true what you are saying about your ex and his new GF. If you are being an alarmist for the sake of screwing with your ex you could end up having contempt of court charges filed against you. At this point paying attention to your child's behavior is more important than making reports. Child welfare services deal with far more pressing issues than a parent tickling his 5 y.o. child. ^ Of course be aware - but be very careful OP how you question the child. You could be teaching your daughter how to push your buttons. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
foreverandalways Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 Ask your daughter WHERE they tickle her. Better yet, ask her to play the game with you. Tell her that SHE will pretend to be daddy and you will be her. Since she's young and can't express it in words, ask her to show it to you. That will help make a better determination. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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