AmandaLeigh87 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I just started "seeing" a guy about a week and a half ago. I met him on POF (PlentyOfFish) and we've been on one date out (the first one) and then I've been to his house 3 times in the past week where I spent the night. He usually makes dinner and we then proceed to write music (we're both musicians). We're working on a song together and that's a big part of our bonding. We slept together on the second date and have been having sex since then. He told me he was specifically not looking for a hook up, yet that is what we're doing in a sense. Today, I saw he was online on POF which makes me feel like he isn't just talking to me. Is it too early to ask if he's seeing anyone else, especially since it's only been a week and a half? But we've already had sex and I have plans to work on our song and hang out Saturday night. Any opinions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 We slept together on the second date and have been having sex since then. Now would be a good time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissIndependant Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I don't see anything wrong with sussing out his intentions so to speak. It doesn't have to be be a big deal, just a casual chat to see where his head is at. It can be as simple as " So, are you seeing anyone else at the moment?" It can be as big or small a deal as you want it to be, and that will mostly depend on how you react to his answers. It doesn't have to be a milestone talk or anything, you aren't asking for exclusivity (are you?) just to find out where you stand. It might be worth trying to explain that to him. On the flip side, think about what your response might be if he is seeing other people. Are you ok with this etc? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Always ask if they are seeing other people and sleeping with other people before sex. Always!!!!!!!!!!!! I wont even go into how many sleazy men there are on POF.com. That site is well known to go to for when you want casual sex without commitment! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmandaLeigh87 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I wouldn't be ok with him seeing other people and I feel like I hold off from asking just so I don't seem like I'm desperate or over obsessed, but you are so right, I can just make it casual. Plus, it's important to find out before I really do get overattached. I really like the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmandaLeigh87 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 Always ask if they are seeing other people and sleeping with other people before sex. Always!!!!!!!!!!!! I wont even go into how many sleazy men there are on POF.com. That site is well known to go to for when you want casual sex without commitment! I'm starting to realize that POF is just a hook up site. He seems pretty adamant that he doesn't want just a hook up, yet that's what were doing. I meant to hold out on the sex, but it just happened and I so wish I could take it back. Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm starting to realize that POF is just a hook up site. He seems pretty adamant that he doesn't want just a hook up, yet that's what were doing. I meant to hold out on the sex, but it just happened and I so wish I could take it back. It is okay. Dont beat yourself up. I was lucky I got warned by others first when I joined that site. Also, most women do this at some point. Just try not to do it again in the future. You can still ask if hes seeing other people/sleeping with others though. Thats good he at least seems he doesnt want a hook up. Alot of times a guy makes it obvious and the girl falls for it. I always ask if they are sleeping with others after working at Planned Parenthood. I usually did before but Im more paranoid now. The things I saw there (normal people too btw...not crazies off the street) have scarred me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissIndependant Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I wouldn't be ok with him seeing other people and I feel like I hold off from asking just so I don't seem like I'm desperate or over obsessed, but you are so right, I can just make it casual. Plus, it's important to find out before I really do get overattached. I really like the guy. I'm exactly like you, and I VERY recently learnt that the upfront, honest approach is best. If you beat around the bush you are far more likely to come off as obsessive and over thinking things. It took me ages to build up the courage to ask, and it did my head in in the meantime not knowing. His reaction was "No, I'm not sleeping with other people and I don't want to". Simple question, simple answer. And I felt much more secure in our relationship and where I stand after having asked this. I wish I'd done it much sooner. I think it was around the 7 week mark. And I asked cause I literally couldn't stand not knowing anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle83 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 He seems pretty adamant that he doesn't want just a hook up, yet that's what were doing. I meant to hold out on the sex, but it just happened and I so wish I could take it back. ...I've been in this situation before as well. They all say that because they know that you'd probably leave if he told you flat out that's what he wants. Actions speak louder than words. If he isn't taking you out and doing things as well, I'd be really rethinking the situation unless you are okay just being a hook-up for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe1 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 You should ask him! I mean you two have had sex and you should know whether he is seeing or having sex with other women. It's all in how you ask it. Just casually ask him don't make it such a big deal and he shouldn't either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mantha03 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I would just ask him politely if he is having sex with anyone other than you and let him know that you just want to know for your own protection. I would not word it "seeing anyone else" because he may get the wrong idea and you might scare him off and I don't think that's what you want right? So just be very careful in the way you ask, you don't want to offend him either but you do have a right to know if he plans to continue having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
starla33 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I wouldn't be ok with him seeing other people and I feel like I hold off from asking just so I don't seem like I'm desperate or over obsessed, but you are so right, I can just make it casual. Plus, it's important to find out before I really do get overattached. I really like the guy. I was like this too, but I'm too the point where if someone is sleeping with another person the night before me or after me or in the same week....well I DON'T WANT to have sex with them. It's gross. So just bring it up when you are about to have sex and just say you only have sex with one person at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
starla33 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 ...I've been in this situation before as well. They all say that because they know that you'd probably leave if he told you flat out that's what he wants. Actions speak louder than words. If he isn't taking you out and doing things as well, I'd be really rethinking the situation unless you are okay just being a hook-up for him. YEP I just had this problem. The guy refused to see me in the daytime so I'm not seeing him anymore. I was hanging out with him for a few months and we had a great time, but that just hurt me a lot he flat out said it too. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) I'd suggest working on your own behavior and not worrying about his. If you think it was too soon for YOU, then address that. Face it... you've only known the guy for a week and a half. Even if he told you he wasn't seeing anyone else, would you believe him? Why? He's a total stranger. If I were you, I'd just tell him that you feel you jumped into sex too quickly for you. Apologize for giving out mixed signals if he appears hurt or confused, then meet in a public place to work on your songs. You could tell him that you really like him, but that you need for things to proceed more slowly while you are getting to know each other. Then see what happens... Edited April 5, 2013 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
sabre80 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 It is a little fast but since you are sleeping together you have every reason to bring it up. Do not make him being online POF an issue though. The only way you would see him online is if you were online. He could be wondering the same things you are wondering. Why is she still online. . .am I just a hookup. Stop over-analyzing and just communicate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm starting to realize that POF is just a hook up site. He seems pretty adamant that he doesn't want just a hook up, yet that's what were doing. I meant to hold out on the sex, but it just happened and I so wish I could take it back. For future reference, the easiest way to avoid having sex before you are ready is to not agree to "hang out" dates too soon. You've known this guy ten days and have already had three "hang out" dates at his house, and it sounds like you have another planned for tomorrow night. You have to be the one to pace the relationship to protect your heart. It's so much easier to avoid the bedroom when you make the guy take you out somewhere on a date, as opposed to hanging out at his house, steps away from the bedroom. (And you don't agree to go "back to his place" or "back to your place" after the date.) He's now getting regular, no strings attached sex, for very little effort on his part -- he doesn't even have to leave his house. Sounds like a good deal for him! Given that you've known him for such a short time, any type of exclusivity conversation is going to be awkward, but you basically have to do it now, to protect yourself from STDs. (I'm going to assume you are using a condom with him.) At this point, I would limit the conversation to exclusivity as it pertains to sex only, get it over with as soon as possible, and don't get into any kind of a "relationship talk." Keep it light. It's just way too soon. Verify that he is not intending to have sex with anyone else without telling you first. If he can't agree to that, you need to take about twenty steps back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmandaLeigh87 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 thank you all so much for the responses! It really does help. I know now I need to talk to him, but keep it light. I suppose it's important to always protect our hearts. Link to post Share on other sites
AKisBaked Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 = We slept together on the second date and have been having sex since then. He told me he was specifically not looking for a hook up, yet that is what we're doing in a sense. ! Well wasn't that a lie... if he didn't want to hook up then why did you 2 end up having sex? 0_o.... Plus how do you know if you really like him after only a short period of time? Are you sure you truly like him? There's a difference between emotional lust and emotional love.. Maybe he's just a nice guy but at the same time he isn't looking for commitment or any sort.. I would be careful. Sometimes the nice people you may think are good are pretty manipulative.... Link to post Share on other sites
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