My Gong Show

[WhoreyBull]

Well I am in a rather interesting situation. Advice would be nice, or maybe just enjoy a rambling story of romance gone wrong... It's super long... you can skip down to the *** for where the problems start.

 

Ok so a little background. I have a pretty darn relaxed view on sex and relationships. I have been prostituting. I'm not doing it out of desperation or anything. I like it, I approach it in as safe a way I can think of, I wasn't planning on quitting. I had been seeing someone casually who knew about my work, was fine with it. Casual casual. Life was good.

 

Until of course it happened, why is it we always meet people at work? haha.

A long time client of mine had started seeing me more. In our conversations if I brought up some interest he'd offer to indulge, as extra. He'd tell me he cared about me. Tell me if I wanted just to go out sometime it could happen. This sort of thing has happened before and usually by the time "caring about me" is on the table I am mentally checked out and running for the hills. You don't really need to be a good judge of character to know that people who say those sorts of things to a prostitute are probably bad news.

 

This time, however, was different. I knew I was having some feelings of emotional attraction to him. That sort of thing is really unusual for me, I'm attracted to someone because of their looks and being a nice person... A sexy friend haha. This time my mind checked out and instead of running for the door started nailing it shut. I'd start asking him for a favor, or stay over with him. He started talking about a trip to Vegas, about it just being me and him someday, being my boyfriend.

 

Do you see the red flag? Can you see me going past it? Guess who went to Vegas baby?

The trip is with about 20 people from his business. Saw him in a leadership role/good light, did a lot of shopping, yadda yadda. I got blackout drunk and apparently actually freakin' fought him in the hotel room. I don't get drunk because I get violent. Maybe it was nervousness or self sabitouge, or maybe just tacking another ridiculous indulgence onto my list of bad decisions. Either way, it happened, and my embarrassment coupled with his forgiveness and understanding of the situation made me endeared towards him.

 

Looking back on it I don't know what the hell I was doing. The point where the average movie goer would yell "don't do it" had come and gone and we were already at the whacky falling in love scene, there wasn't anything else to do but sit on my ass and watch the show.

So we are back in town. After a few days I tell the guy I had been sleeping with I can't see him anymore. Not talking to any guys, nothing. Whether it's emotional or attachment issues or whatever but I’m part of the group who believe they can sleep with others while just loving one. But, he expressed he wanted it to be just us and I usually don't even get into actual relationships so I thought I may as well go hard or go home. I told him it was just us.

 

It was at this time I notice he will ask if anyone called me or wanted to see me. He'd joke about me seeing other people but I had a feeling like he was worried I was still talking to people. It struck me as odd considering the circumstances we met, and I'm pretty much sure he was with other people before he started expressing interest in me like this and he knew I was. Hell, we had a three-some with his business partner. He had never shown any sort of insecurity before, and though he said it was just to be me and him he said we could have other people come into the relationship. Wow, pretty awesome right? How about we move in together that'll be a great idea, hey?

 

***So, we get an apartment, I move all my **** in. Things are great. For about a week.

A fateful night came where I was texted by an old flame. He was just chatting about what was going on, catching up, probably putting the feelers out but I told him about my bf. My bf finds the text on the phone and was upset about it, way more upset then I think he should have been. He kept asking if I had been talking to him. If I wanted to see him. That if I wanted to go see him he'd buy me a ticket. Just became almost depressed that someone across the country messaged me for maybe the fifth time in a year. But, I don't date people so what do I know, I guess I should have not responded and told him I got a message. I'm new to this whole having to think like two people sort of thing, and obviously we hadn't talked about any boundaries other than sleeping with people.

 

This wasn't so bad in and of itself. It ruined the afternoon but when I went to bed it was the last thing on my mind. So of course with my luck this is the night the casual sex guy from before decides to call me at 4 in the morning. So, I am awaken to my bf waking me up to answer my phone. I answer, get up, I leave the room, I tell him don't call me please. Head back in the bedroom for round 2.

 

BF is just livid that I left the room to answer the phone. He says if I had nothing to hide I would answer it in front of him. Now, I am not sure if you have been jostled from a deep sleep to answer a phone, but I was just acting on autopilot. And I know I wouldn't want someone to start talking on the phone in the same room I am sleeping in. He says since he called so late obviously I have been doing things with him, but he works at a bar and I stay up late so 4 am would be a normal call from him. Anyways fight for a while, back to sleep. At this point I am confused.

 

The next day or so one of my friends was coming back to town. He is a male friend who I usually would spend a lot of time with. We have a non-sexual relationship although we tried dating. We weren't compatible and lived as roommates for a while. Really he is my best friend and he is a positive person to have in my life. Now, since I am dating I know there won't be any late night gaming sleepovers anymore but I still wanted to hang out. So when he gets back in town I ask if I can go hang out at his place. Me and the bf had ate dinner with him before so I wouldn't just be going to a strangers place. I wanted him to be able to trust my friend and like him. Well, he didn’t.

 

He drops me off completely fine, but within 30 min. he is texting me about I can just stay there that he won't pick me up, refuses to pick me up. I beg him for hours just to come. He does not. In fact what he does is packs up all my stuff and drops it off at my dad’s house. He does this in front of my father who he has already met and all that ****... Like how could he not be humiliated acting like a teenager in front of my father?. It was absolutely infuriating.

 

We have tentative contact in the following days. Valentines day he calls me, wants to see me on the weekend, has a gift for me. Maybe the gift was a little swaying. I take a box of clothes over... well thank ****ing god I only take one box.

 

Two weeks later, friend back in town, this time I ask if we can go to dinner. We arrange a time to pick up. Acting completely normal he drops me off. I get out and he peels out the place like a freaking madman. Sure enough the texts start coming pretty much immediately. That I am picking my friend over him, that if I love my friend so much he will go away so we can be together forever. EXACT SAME THING.

 

I insist this is really stupid, that we have had this fight before. My phone starts to die so I tell him if he has to decide to come get me or not because I won’t be coming back. Then he starts to say really crazy things like to go wait for him at the mcdonalds because he won't come to my friends house, and when I agree to that he tells me he'll pick me up in "two days". Wtf, is my response. He then ups that to two days on the street and I am not allowed to go indoors... In winter... In Canada. Oh and did I mention this time I have my playstation with me?. Needless to say I don't do that.

 

That’s about where my patience ended. I tell him that I don't want my friend but I know I don't want this. So I hang up and ignore the phone for the rest of the night

 

I had been ignoring the fact that I'd gotten into a relationship with my older male counterpart, except apparently when in this dimension I retain the personality of my 16 year old self. He just wanted me to come to him on his terms. He wanted me to agree to something ridiculous to prove I loved him or some crazy ****. If I had gone outside he would have got me, the streets thing was him being a ****ing loser. I’m not about to give into that sort of thing, but it’s the drivel that’s come out my trap before.

 

I spent the next few days not contacting him. It was pretty easy because I had to watch the dogs at my parent’s house and forgot my charger so I had no temptation. Three days later he shows up at my house. He tells me he had been trying to contact me, missed me, can’t stop thinking of me. Rom-com bs, but for some reason it makes me cry. I don’t care about people in a romantic way usually. This is poetic justice for anyone who dated me in my teens.

 

We are talking again… He is acting good again… My friend will be back in a week…

 

He says he knows he is insecure and he wants to change and be together. How do you measure change? How do I know he is serious? Should I bother giving him another another chance?

 

Oh dear lord, how’d you like my novella.

[road]

When you commit to a man you do not have opposite sex friends.

 

You do not answer phones calls from men and walk out of the room to talk. It makes it appear that you are up to no good.

 

You know your BF has jealousy issues why did you not change your phone no?

[nonameforme]

I'm not judging your choice of your occupation (former or not), but I am curious. You say you enjoy it, and that you had no intentions/plans of quitting. I guess the one question I have for you is this one: Is there any possibility you chose to be an escort/prostitute in order to distance yourself from having a real relationship with someone? Because I do wonder about that, especially since you say that you drank to the point of blacking out (and becoming violent) with this new guy, even though you also mentioned that you know that you have issues when you drink to much. You mentioned that it may have been an act of self sabotage of the relationship. No judgment here at all, but are you sure that somewhere, subconsciously, you have chosen an occupation that makes it very difficult to be in a "normal"/conventional monogamous relationship? If that is the case, then I would seriously suggest some counseling to work out your fears/anxieties or any traumas from your past that may have led you to putting a wall up. And prostitution is definitely a wall for most men to try to get over, even if (ironically) they were a former client.

However, on the other hand, you also say that you have a relaxed viewpoint about sex and relationships. So maybe in your way of seeing things, you don't think paying for sex and casual sex is immoral or degrading to yourself or ethically wrong. I couldn't do that, but that's me--I tend to only physically connect to people who I have a serious emotional relationship with. However, I have often wondered why prostitution isn't legal (as long as it's between consenting adults), but I think the majority of people in the world (at least in most countries) will not think getting paid for sex is normal or okay. If you are prostituting only because you don't think it's a big deal (and there is no subconscious effort to subvert relationships with this career choice), then I would say that unfortunately for both of you, this guy doesn't sound like he can handle life from your perspective.

He sounds rather insecure and sorry, it sounds like he acts a bit immature when he's frustrated/angry. I'm not judging him, because I think it would be extremely difficult for most men to date an escort/prostitute (even a former one) without worrying that the woman they cared about was sliding into "old" habits.

I don't think this guy is going to get over his issues. And it seems to me that you don't see things the same way at all. This is going to be a never-ending battle of your free-spirited sexual nature and his need to feel like he is the "one and only". I think it's a recipe for disaster.

If you continue to work in this field, you are going to have a very hard time finding Mr. Right. Again, I'm not saying this as a judgment, but it would be a very rare man in my opinion that could be confident enough in himself not to have doubts creeping in about what is going on when he's not around. You mention the guy friend you see is your best friend and that it's platonic. That may be true, but I don't think this new man is EVER going to see it that way. You're both going to end up fighting and being unhappy.

So my advice is:

1) Really examine your motives for being an escort, and get help if you are doing it for "unhealthy" reasons;

2) Stay away from this guy--I don't think it's going to work out with the two of you based on what you posted;

3) If you really want a relationship, consider either finding the diamond in the rough man that can handle it, or quit the profession.

 

Good luck!

[loversquarrel]

Neither one of your lifestyles lends itself to a stable relationship building platform. You being a prostitute and him being a john. Either you want it or you don't...schitt or get off the pot. If you do want it then the both of you have work to do.

[LonelyInsomniac]

When you commit to a man you do not have opposite sex friends.

 

You do not answer phones calls from men and walk out of the room to talk. It makes it appear that you are up to no good.

 

You know your BF has jealousy issues why did you not change your phone no?

 

HEEEERE COMES THE CRAZY

 

My only real advice to you, Bull, is to keep in mind that LoveShack tends to have a pretty conservative following.

 

What your boyfriend is doing is really dishonest - he's making it impossible for you to win by setting up a trap: you're supposed to "prove" you're willing to make sacrifices for him by reading his mind and realizing that he doesn't want you to have friends.

 

Which is the hallmark of an abusive relationship.

 

As for the knowing he has issues - that's... well, a step in the right direction, if he's actually serious. If it can be done, I'd really recommend therapy, for one or both of you.

 

You sound as though you're a pretty honest person - maybe confused by dating/courting rituals. Let him know this, if you haven't already. This is new territory for you - and there's nothing wrong with that.

[nonameforme]

The only advice i would give a prostitute is "stop", stop what you're doing.

Its illegal, and in all religions of the world, wharever your moral standards are, prostituting is one of the worst things a person can commit.

Is that what your parents/family/friends wanted you to be? dont you have any morals/standards ? Telling us freely with no shame that you're prostituting?

what are you going to tell your kids in the future? What kind of parenting will they get from a prostituting mother?

 

Thats not the way to go. Not the way to live.

 

I understand that you are opposed to OP's career choice, but would respectfully point out that not everyone in the world has the same moral/ethical/religious views that you have.

I can think of a lot of things that are far worse than prostitution. How about lying, stealing, abusing, raping. . . . murdering? She's not living her life in deceit--who has she lied to? Who has she betrayed? Who has she hurt? She posted honestly and came here for advice. You may not agree with her choices, and that's your right. But it's her life and I don't see the point in shaming her. She came here for helpful feedback. You gave her no advice and just ripped her apart. I don't think this is what this forum is for. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I just found your response to be rather insulting.

[WhoreyBull]

Thanks everyone for your inputs.

@nonameforme & LonelyInsomniac - an others

Oh I think there is a little bit of confusion. I wan't planning on quitting but because of starting a serious relationship I did. I also stopped any contact with people I was attracted to etc.

I am an easy going person and I'm quick to adjust my lifestyle. Prostitution was a means to support myself as well as a way for me to have sex without having a relationship. I had goals in my life where a boyfriend would ust be a hindrance. I still like to have consistent sex, and so creating a business relationship seemed like the safest way to go about this. I screen my clients and have them tested. It sounds a bit funny I feel like under the context of this being my job I am a lot safer with my sexuality than I would be otherwise. I mean, it's not like you have a contract with that guy you picked up in a club.

Actually my boyfriend isn't so much upset that I worked as a prostitute. He is concerned that I am going to cheat on him. Not for money, just that I will. He doesn't believe he can satisfy me in bed, but he really isn't that bad. He'll keep flip flopping. One day he'll say I can sleep with whoever I want, then he'll say we can only bring people into the relationship, then he'll say it's just us. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there wondering what the hell he is going on about. I want consistent sex, I like to have an orgasm a day, I don't think I'm asking a lot. As long as he's giving it to me on a regular basis then I am content. Could it be that my high sex drive makes him worry I will get bored?

Also, although I use the word "prostitution" (because I think we should view sex trade workers as a single unit rather than trying to present levels of acceptability) but what I am doing is "escorting" I suppose. Either way it is legal in my country, thanks to every one for their concern.

I guess some people would see the lack of desire for a monogamous life partner to be some sort of issue. I've always been content on my own with only friends or sexual partners. This is only the second time I've been bit by the love bug. The first time I was an extremely erratic teen. I had many behaviors similar to my boyfriend now, but to the extreme. I was dumped for ridiculous behavior and after much introspection I've been able to pick apart why I was acting like that. I feel like even though I am not experienced in them, I am a good person to be in a relationship with. All the fights we have had are like trying to talk my 16 year old self down...

 

I think he is insecure especially because I changed my entire life plans for him. I think he is confused and afraid that I can just pick up and drop interests, and he believes that that will extend to him. And really it's true since I think you should only have things and people in your life that are working towards your future goal... But how do I make him see that I joined his goal? Obviously his "tests" are an unhealthy way of seeing if I am on board, but how do I make him realize that by doing this he makes himself a partner I can't be with. I have a lot of respect for myself and for other people and I know I am being co-dependent and should have accepted even an iota of this behavior. I normally should have no problem walking away, anyone else and I'd have flown to the other side of the country by now. Anyone else and I wouldn't have started a relationship...

I guess because I don't have this feeling I am compelled to chase it because I believe it must "mean something". Even in high school I never felt butterflies over a boy. Perhaps it's just a rare breed in my belly... Or maybe I'm hopelessly attracted to people who have the same issues as I did/do?

If I suggest we no longer live together (should be easy since all the ****ing stuff is out the house) but stay together, as well as put all my concerns on the table, should I give him some chance? Is it extremely stupid for me to keep thinking about salvaging the relationship? I feel like such an ass talking about how easily I can change and yet here I am trying to keep someone in my life.

 

And thank's loversquarrel, I've been trying but I have constipation!

[WhoreyBull]

-

I don't think this is what this forum is for. I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I just found your response to be rather insulting.

I appreciate you for saying this. From my perspective I have very high morals. If I ever have children, well who knows what I will tell them. I am not sure how I will be viewing this portion of my life in a theoretical future. For all I know I may come to regret my choices.

Although people can be very cruel to sex trade workers, I believe this is out of misguided concern. As google said "Is that what your parents/family/friends wanted you to be?"

Well, my friends and family want me to be safe, healthy and happy.

Absolutely I can see peoples concerns as I am putting my health and safety at risk. However, there is a difference between manageable risks and doing something insane. Similar to a stunt man, or some other inherently dangerous profession, there are risks, but as long as you have respect for yourself as well as the present danger I don't see anything wrong with doing it if it makes you happy.

Google, I thank you for being concerned for my well being, but noname is right that you are going about this in an insensitive way. Sadly there are a great many of women working as prostitutes for negative reasons whether they be drugs, poverty, insecurity. So many are stuck in a cycle of drugs and abuse that they'll never get out of. Most are not bad girls, they are not dirty or stupid. At some point in their life they made a mistake such as trying intravenous drugs or trusting the wrong person. They don't need to be made to feel more low, they need to be built up. As a "moral" sex trade worker I believe it's part of my job to change the perception that it's a lack of morals that leads people into prostitution as many believe.

[nonameforme]

I appreciate you for saying this. From my perspective I have very high morals. If I ever have children, well who knows what I will tell them. I am not sure how I will be viewing this portion of my life in a theoretical future. For all I know I may come to regret my choices.

Although people can be very cruel to sex trade workers, I believe this is out of misguided concern. As google said "Is that what your parents/family/friends wanted you to be?"

Well, my friends and family want me to be safe, healthy and happy.

Absolutely I can see peoples concerns as I am putting my health and safety at risk. However, there is a difference between manageable risks and doing something insane. Similar to a stunt man, or some other inherently dangerous profession, there are risks, but as long as you have respect for yourself as well as the present danger I don't see anything wrong with doing it if it makes you happy.

Google, I thank you for being concerned for my well being, but noname is right that you are going about this in an insensitive way. Sadly there are a great many of women working as prostitutes for negative reasons whether they be drugs, poverty, insecurity. So many are stuck in a cycle of drugs and abuse that they'll never get out of. Most are not bad girls, they are not dirty or stupid. At some point in their life they made a mistake such as trying intravenous drugs or trusting the wrong person. They don't need to be made to feel more low, they need to be built up. As a "moral" sex trade worker I believe it's part of my job to change the perception that it's a lack of morals that leads people into prostitution as many believe.

 

Wow, I didn't know that it was legal in Canada (I live in the US). You learn something new every day! I applaud your efforts to defend the rights of sex workers. . . in the United States, the stereotype of a prostitute is a woman who is under the control of a pimp, and often times not engaging in prostitution because of a real choice, but the things you mentioned (drugs, poverty, coercion, etc), although I am sure that there are plenty of prostitutes/escorts here that don't fall into that category. I think some of our laws are antiquated, and only help continue the victimization of people who don't have many people in their corner to defend them. That's why I think legalization is a smart move. But I don't think that will ever happen in the US, outside of areas in Nevada. So good for you for being an advocate. And I agree that you are doing much more to protect yourself from harm than a lot of people who have one night stands with people they meet in a bar.

Personally, I don't believe this has anything to do with being a "good" or "bad" person, and I believe you when you say that you are a moral person. You certainly seem honest and want this relationship to work. It probably helps that I'm not religious, so I don't get caught up in interpreting the bible. As long as you're a good person, honest and kind, that's all that matters to me. Most of us have done things in our youth that we later wish we hadn't, but I have found that with my child (who is now an adult), honesty has always been the best policy. You may regret certain things about your past, or you may see it as an overall positive experience. You'll know what to do when you get there--you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders.

Good luck with your relationship!

[Holyoak]

When you commit to a man you do not have opposite sex friends.

 

You do not answer phones calls from men and walk out of the room to talk. It makes it appear that you are up to no good.

 

You know your BF has jealousy issues why did you not change your phone no?

 

Fully agree with this post.