How do I deal with this rough patch in my relationship?

[frazzled12]

I am in a relationship with an amazing man. He is very giving, supportive and has a big heart. However, as things continue to progress more flaws are exposed from both of our parts. One flaw of mine is that I try my best and really hard to be patient with him but he at times makes me really frustrated so I end up giving him a bad attitude. He hates conflict and sulks for days but now he is sulking for weeks (zero communication via phone,text, etc). The reason it has gone this long is because I refuse to go after him (like I always do) to try to resolve conflict, I want him to also own it. In the past I waited a few days before contacting him to check on him and talk, everything is fine afterwards.

 

I am the type of person who likes to resolve conflict as it comes and I do own my mistakes while apologizing. He on the other hand likes to blame me for everything and then later I have to remind him that he took part in the argument too and was at fault and he agrees later.

 

Our last disagreement was last week over something really petty. He was supposed to come over for dinner but I sensed he was already a bit tipsy and gave him a hard time when he started to act boisterous on the phone. At this he hung up and called me ungrateful (he had gone food shopping for us). I called him back several times and texted him to talk. He was furious at me. I tried this approach for a few days and even suggested we meet up but he says he does not want to talk about it or meet.

 

I have noticed his extra sulking and distant behavior since I brought up that I would like to start a family. We are both in our 30's, between jobs and have been going out for 2 years. The last thing he said to me was that I am trying to be in total control of the relationship and that I think I am the one wearing the pants. That comment took me by surprised and I explained that I just want us to have a really good relationship. This was the last interaction we had, I don't know what else to do.

[Bill13]

There are no rights and wrongs and it depends on the personalities involved. The old saying of "pick your battles" probably holds true. If its something trivial, there really isn't any reason to make a federal case out of it. I have found if its trivial state your case and leave it at that. If its something major then sit down and discus it, thats about the only way to clear the air.

[frazzled12]

There are no rights and wrongs and it depends on the personalities involved. The old saying of "pick your battles" probably holds true. If its something trivial, there really isn't any reason to make a federal case out of it. I have found if its trivial state your case and leave it at that. If its something major then sit down and discus it, thats about the only way to clear the air.

 

Thanks Bill13. I often feel that I have to be the one to fix things between us. Now it has become a pattern where he sulks and expects me to go after him. It has been a few weeks and I have not tried to contact him, I feel I am doing this to break the "silent treatment" he gives me.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Bill13. I often feel that I have to be the one to fix things between us. Now it has become a pattern where he sulks and expects me to go after him. It has been a few weeks and I have not tried to contact him, I feel I am doing this to break the "silent treatment" he gives me.

 

He's passive agressive and giving you the silent treatment is cruel and intentional.

 

This is who he is. He can change/make continuous effort in to not be that way, learn to compromise, be more open to talk and listen, have honest talks and discussions.. IF he wants to.

 

This sort of thing can be a deal breaker and end a relationship.

 

If he is very stubborn, he won't cave. He'll just go on like nothing has happened and not even acknowledge you. He seems to have some narcissistic traits and has control issues as well.

 

How's his temper? Does he get pissy a lot and have child like fits and out burts?

 

Anyway , take this time to think if he is what you want. Can you live with this for the rest of your life?? That is, if he isn't willin to change his ways and learn how to be more patient, understanding and caring.

[frazzled12]

He's passive agressive and giving you the silent treatment is cruel and intentional.

 

This is who he is. He can change/make continuous effort in to not be that way, learn to compromise, be more open to talk and listen, have honest talks and discussions.. IF he wants to.

 

This sort of thing can be a deal breaker and end a relationship.

 

If he is very stubborn, he won't cave. He'll just go on like nothing has happened and not even acknowledge you. He seems to have some narcissistic traits and has control issues as well.

 

How's his temper? Does he get pissy a lot and have child like fits and out burts?

 

Anyway , take this time to think if he is what you want. Can you live with this for the rest of your life?? That is, if he isn't willin to change his ways and learn how to be more patient, understanding and caring.

 

I agree, it is funny because I did noticed a subtle passive aggressiveness in the beginning but couldn't put a finger on it. Our relationship has had its shares of ups and downs. I spoke to his mother and she told me he does this to her all the time, where he gets upset at her and does not speak to her for months at a time. It is very cruel. I already told him but this time he took it to the extreme by extending his sulking time.

Edited April 5, 2013 by frazzled12
extra info

[Mycatsnuggles]

Please imagine this situation: You have two kids together, they are teenagers and you and your husband disagree about discipline. How will it feel when he shuts you out because you refuse to follow his dictates because "you wear the pants in the family"? This is a trigger phrase for me because its what H would say when I disagreed with him. If you think having an argument about how/when or what matters when it is between the two of you, add in a little human you have created into the mix. The mama bear comes out in me and to have papa bear mandate what I do without any proper discussion is intolerable.

 

I offer this scenario to you because it is definitely the beginning of MAJOR troubles in our relationship. If we had been able to address the issues when they were smaller and only between us perhaps the problems with the kids would have been easier. If the two of you are to be together you need to be a team - on the SAME SIDE. If you are playing against each other there is a winner and a loser. When you work together to solve a problem you both win. If there is someone on the team who refuses to participate - cut them.

[frazzled12]

Please imagine this situation: You have two kids together, they are teenagers and you and your husband disagree about discipline. How will it feel when he shuts you out because you refuse to follow his dictates because "you wear the pants in the family"? This is a trigger phrase for me because its what H would say when I disagreed with him. If you think having an argument about how/when or what matters when it is between the two of you, add in a little human you have created into the mix. The mama bear comes out in me and to have papa bear mandate what I do without any proper discussion is intolerable.

 

I offer this scenario to you because it is definitely the beginning of MAJOR troubles in our relationship. If we had been able to address the issues when they were smaller and only between us perhaps the problems with the kids would have been easier. If the two of you are to be together you need to be a team - on the SAME SIDE. If you are playing against each other there is a winner and a loser. When you work together to solve a problem you both win. If there is someone on the team who refuses to participate - cut them.

 

" If the two of you are to be together you need to be a team - on the SAME SIDE. If you are playing against each other there is a winner and a loser. When you work together to solve a problem you both win." This last part makes incredible sense. I agree we have to be a team and I have told him numerous times.

 

I hope your situation gets better for the sake of your relationship and family, you seem like a level headed person.

[spice4life]

Maybe you should reconsider the last argument and not brush it off as something petty. It may have not been petty to him for a reason he feels is important. Good communication is key and if you are having a hard time creating an open and communicating relatonship it may be time to just call it a day. There is bound to be someone out there who is a lot more understanding of you and the same for him.

[frazzled12]

Maybe you should reconsider the last argument and not brush it off as something petty. It may have not been petty to him for a reason he feels is important. Good communication is key and if you are having a hard time creating an open and communicating relatonship it may be time to just call it a day. There is bound to be someone out there who is a lot more understanding of you and the same for him.

 

Thank you, yes I will consider it as a valid argument. Thanks again.

[Bill13]

I find if we get into some heated argument the silent treatment lasts a few hours (can never recall an instance where it went on for days/weeks....) , till both cool off, then when calmer heads prevail, its open for discussion, and usually things get resolved.

If you have no communications between both parties then nothing is going to get resolved.

[Els]

He complains about you 'wearing the pants', but it doesn't seem like he's making any effort to put them on either, honestly.

 

I'm not so sure about him giving you the silent treatment out of intentional 'cruelty' per se, as WWIU suggested, but it does reek of passive-aggression. Stepping away for a few hours, even a day, to cool down, is acceptable. Sulking for a week? Really not a great way of handling arguments. I know you feel your biological clock is ticking, but please don't start a family with this man just yet. You both need to at the very least learn how to handle conflict reasonably well before making a lifetime commitment. Imagine what you'd do if you had kids crying on your arm and daddy was just shutting himself away for weeks at a time?

[frazzled12]

He complains about you 'wearing the pants', but it doesn't seem like he's making any effort to put them on either, honestly.

 

I'm not so sure about him giving you the silent treatment out of intentional 'cruelty' per se, as WWIU suggested, but it does reek of passive-aggression. Stepping away for a few hours, even a day, to cool down, is acceptable. Sulking for a week? Really not a great way of handling arguments. I know you feel your biological clock is ticking, but please don't start a family with this man just yet. You both need to at the very least learn how to handle conflict reasonably well before making a lifetime commitment. Imagine what you'd do if you had kids crying on your arm and daddy was just shutting himself away for weeks at a time?

 

Absolutely, well written. Thank you so much, yes I am thinking along those lines too. Things have to change in terms of how we deal with conflict.

[frazzled12]

I find if we get into some heated argument the silent treatment lasts a few hours (can never recall an instance where it went on for days/weeks....) , till both cool off, then when calmer heads prevail, its open for discussion, and usually things get resolved.

If you have no communications between both parties then nothing is going to get resolved.

 

I agree, I am planning on bringing up this point during my conversation with him. Thank you for your feedback.

[KraftDinner]

Have you still not spoken to him? NC for a few weeks does not equal a rough patch. I'd see that as a breakup.

 

Ok, what I read was this: you had plans, he got too drunk to come over, you said that, then he had a spaz because you dared to say this, then started ignoring you for weeks. I'm reading inconsiderate, tempermental, passive aggressive -- with a possible drinking issue? Okay, that last part may be way off...but how often has alcohol been a factor in your arguments?

[frazzled12]

Have you still not spoken to him? NC for a few weeks does not equal a rough patch. I'd see that as a breakup.

 

Ok, what I read was this: you had plans, he got too drunk to come over, you said that, then he had a spaz because you dared to say this, then started ignoring you for weeks. I'm reading inconsiderate, tempermental, passive aggressive -- with a possible drinking issue? Okay, that last part may be way off...but how often has alcohol been a factor in your arguments?

 

We finally spoke and we resolved our conflict. He does not have a drinking issue and was upset at the whole situation.