Affairs and their effect of children 5 yrs+

[underwater2010]

Since it seems that the topic went off the intention of the thread, I would like to know the outcome of the affairs effects on children above the age 5 yrs. While it is a proven fact that children as young as age 1 yr can notice the change in the family environment. What effect have you seen on children yrs plus.

 

I personally seen children in their teens attack (verbally) the WS. All the derogatory terms that WSs and their APs despise. I have also seen children refuse to have anything to do with a WS and their new partner.

 

What are your experiences?

[sweet_pea]

One of my best friend's father had an affair when she was about 16. Her parents divorced due to the affair and her father got together with the OW.

 

She really and truly looked up to her dad and as you can imagine, this devastated her big time. She she does not have a great relationship with him now, and we are in our late 20s. When she had her first child (my sweet godson) a year ago, he nor his current wife (the OW) were invited to see him, while her mother and her step-father were. She has since grown very close to her step-dad.

 

As a result of the affair, as you can tell, their entire relationship is completely strained. She really only communicates with him on his birthday/holidays or if he calls her. She told me that him getting together with the OW after all of the devastation added salt into her wounds. She loves her dad, but has lost respect for him. I hope they get back to a better place despite the damage caused, it's never too late for that. (This is all from her sharing these things with me)

 

I really don't think many people realize the extent of damage that affairs cause to children. I know of a few more examples where the WS parent and their child's relationship crumbled, some were temporary and rebuilt into good relationships and others were heartbreaking where the children cut them out. It really makes me sad.

 

Children are also betrayed in these situations. Ugh, affairs just suck all around.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

During the volatile period of our reconciliation my oldest daughter was about 8/9. We tried to shield our kids from the tension the best we could. My kids knew that mom and dad were sad and angry at times. My emotions were all over the place.

 

During that period my daughter asked a lot of questions about divorce, told us which friends had divorced parents, etc. The most heartbreaking was when she wrote a story for school about two kids saving their parents from divorce.

 

They definitely sensed the tension in the marriage. The younger one was not as tuned in as the older sibling.

[NotCamelot]

I have three children: 32, 28 and 18. The 32 and 28 are from my first marriage.

 

But my 18 was just shy of 18 at the time. I told her everything and my W still thinks she does not know. And she does not want her mom to know that I told her.

 

At that time she told me that if we were to split that she would never speak to or see her mom again. And she said that if her mom went to and stayed with the AP, she would never acknowledge or speak to that person either.

 

She said, "I don't see how you could want to stay with her knowing what she did." But I explained that she could not, at this time, really understand how I feel. And I told her that I hope she never has to find out.

 

The older two, who have known my W as stop-mother since they were 6 and 10, don't know and will never know what happened.

[Act Two]

I've posted this before but I know exOM threw a lot of venom his ex-wife's way for her infidelity and it backfired on him.

 

His kids were angry and distant with him until he stopped bashing their mom.

 

They still loved her too.

 

They were around 12, 10 and 7 when they divorced.

[krazikat]

Since it seems that the topic went off the intention of the thread, I would like to know the outcome of the affairs effects on children above the age 5 yrs. While it is a proven fact that children as young as age 1 yr can notice the change in the family environment. What effect have you seen on children yrs plus.

 

I personally seen children in their teens attack (verbally) the WS. All the derogatory terms that WSs and their APs despise. I have also seen children refuse to have anything to do with a WS and their new partner.

 

What are your experiences?

 

My teen daughter has told wh about himself, said he was off effin s**ts, etc. and now she will barely talk to him, asked me why i am still with him...

 

She is pissed. I think if she knew where to find ow she may try to hurt her...

 

My younger one has cried about it, but is just happy we are r and her daddy is there with her mama.

 

Our niece, also teen, has complained to oldest that she cant stand him. So not just children of the married partners, but close family teens as well have been emotionally impacted.

 

It is all really sad, no matter how you try to keep the kids out, they still feel it.

[waterwoman]

I strongly suspect that if H and I had split due to his H, they would have all chosen to stay with me and would have struggled to forgive him. They aren't badly brought up or nasty children - they are simply loving and loyal and H forfeitted a lot of their affection by being distant and irritable with them (pre and during the affair). They are slowly getting back to normal with him but IF H had left me for her I am not sure that normality would ever have been reached. His fault NOT mine.

 

Having said that I would never condone violence or violent language toward H or his partner but sometimes emotions are expressed strongly especially by children when they are distressed. My children think I am pretty amazing so they won't be happy when anyone hurts me.

[underwater2010]

It has nothing to do with parenting or a lack there of. It has everything to do with a teen losing all respect for the parent because of their selfish and deceptive ways.

 

There are consequences for people actions and in this case the teen happened to be the one that dished it out.

 

I am not saying that it is right for a BS to poison their children against the WS and their AP. But that does not even sound like what happened in her case.

 

This thread was intended to raise awareness of the effect an affair has on children, not to take swipes at people's parenting skills and whether or not they should be proud of how their children reacted.

Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[krazikat]

My teen daughter has told wh about himself, said he was off effin s**ts, etc. and now she will barely talk to him, asked me why i am still with him...

 

She is pissed. I think if she knew where to find ow she may try to hurt her...

 

My younger one has cried about it, but is just happy we are r and her daddy is there with her mama.

 

Our niece, also teen, has complained to oldest that she cant stand him. So not just children of the married partners, but close family teens as well have been emotionally impacted.

 

It is all really sad, no matter how you try to keep the kids out, they still feel it.

 

And let me also add that my oldest is not mirroring me, the bs. she is absolutely pissed about the fact he cheated, she is furious, and i have never seen her this angry for this long. She said she feels betrayed by him, for all his talk about how bad lying is that he was the entire time lying not just to me but the whole family.

 

so no, it is not always a teen mirroring what they see, and the der the kid, the more independant their anger may be.

 

We have been strict parents, teaching morals and right and wrong, lying is bad, we have worked hard to promote truth telling, and this is where she is having the anger...the contradiction in what he taught her vs. what he was doing.

[Spark1111]

I am amazed HOW Many OW first believe they should not be called homewreckers as they didn't take the vows, and now here is an example of someone saying the children should just accept it, and if they don't, the BS poisoned them agains the WS.

 

The live so blamelessly.

 

Just google the affects of infidelity on children...you will be reading until the New Year.

 

Children too feel ashamed and betrayed and lied to. Children are devastated by witnessing a parent in pain, period.

 

It alters their world view regarding relationships. They suffer a loss of trust, confidence, and often later in life, despite hating the cheater for a while, may actually go on to cheat themselves or become very promiscuous.

 

They often experience anger at the betrayed parent too, feeling they should have been able to prevent it, especially if it leads to divorce and a total change in lifestyle.

 

To have one parent lie and betray another can be life-altering for children.

 

It is very important children see all attempts at healing and forgiveness and honesty.

[Spark1111]

It is not uncommon that teenagers are the most opinionated and judgemental people on the planet. Its pretty normal imo.

 

And they need to feel empowered, like they are all that....

 

When a parent's infidelity is exposed, the shame does tremendous damage to their ego.

 

Look at Arnold Schwarzzenegger's son, nationally tweeting he had changed his name to Shriver.

 

He needed something to be proud of....his mother's last name. OUCH!

[jlola]

I am a child of infidelity. It is humiliating to the children. It says the kids as well as the wife mean nothing if you are willing to risk all for someone else. It really leaves you with no respect for the cheating parent, no matter how they try to twist things. It shows their selfishness.

 

There is a lot of pain ,shame,confusion and mistrust that go to these children. We see how our on parent disrespected our family, why would a man or woman not disrespect us in the same way our parent did?

 

I know many children of infidelity and they all have been affected somehow.

 

A friend had a husband who was very unfaithful to her(she was in denial for years). Finally, the OW had a child for him. Her 2 children were in shock for a long time after they heard they had a new baby brother. The girl was about 12, the boy about 8 when they found out. The girl began disrespecting her father and she would tell him he cannot tell her what to do since he is a cheater. daddy's little girl became full of resentment even though her mother was forgiving.

 

The boy once had a picture of his half brother(now about 4 yrs old) on his phone. When a friend asked who it was, he said it was his brother. The friend said"I didn't know your mother had 3 kids"?.

 

The boy looked embarrassed and said, "He is not my mother's kid, it is my half brother. I don't want to talk about it". The look on his face was painful. I knew exactly how he felt.

 

Those 2 children will have issues. Mother finally kicked the father out since he continued his selfish ways with OW and had yet another child with her.

 

Heard recently he is now cheating on the OW. I just hope the kids do not subconsciously take his example.

 

I hate the famous cheaters line that kids are resilient. We are. But when there is deceit,disrespect,manipulation,lying and gaslighting by the one person we should be able to trust, it brings a lot of damage.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is a tough subject. I have witnessed a lot of very dysfunctional relationships within the small town I live in. It's a little odd, some relationships started out as affairs, parents divorced, remarried, stayed in the same town going to the same church, same school, kids being shared amongst the parents. While strange and weird at first, the kids eventually adapted.

 

My sister was divorced when her kids were 5 & 7 (she had an affair - but did not end up being with her AP - but rearranged her life so she could be and then decided he wasn't the influence she wanted on her kids - he was single). But she and her ex-husband parent their children vey well together and even though the divorce was hard, it now has all evened out.

 

My brother-in-laws first wife had an affair while their boys were 8 and 10 - in that case it was a very difficult time for them but their mom turned to a pretty major partying lifestyle which resulted in both of them ending up to be alcoholics (they are in their 30's now). My brother-in-law has been remarried for close to 20 years now and is very happy. My nephews are both sober and doing great and their mom is still single and struggling. So it wasn't roses for them at all.

 

My parents had a terrible relationship from the time I was in 7th grade until my youngest sibling was out of the house. Childhood abuse on my mom's side which she had never dealt with, etc. My dad tolerated for a very long time (for the sake of the children really) and then when mom felt she was "ready" to recommit to the marriage, it had been too long - dad was gone. My siblings and I went through a good deal of our childhood dealing with dysfunctional parents in a dysfunctional marriage. My parents finally divorced when I was in my 30's (after 30 some years of marrage) and our response as children was "it's about time". It would have been far better for them to have been separated while we were younger because it was horrible growing up that way.

 

My own children (two of my kids anyway) know about their dad's affair because that was kept fairly quiet. Mine was blown all over town and my children obviously know about it. Has it been hard? Yes. It's difficult to parent and preach honesty to your kids when you have been dishonest. But it's also a great opportunity to teach forgiveness, love and for your kids to know that everyone is human and we all make mistakes. My relationship with my daugthers, especially, has become my closer because of the turmoil the past few years. It has opened up a wide range of discussions about life in general. Would I have preferred it not take an affair to do that? Yes. But it is what it is.

 

My kids have lived through my pain as a WS (who was mourning her xOM) and as a BS. They have lived through their dad being a BH and a WS. I have had my youngest to counseling and that has helped as well. But I think because of that they realize that we are human and the emotions were real and they just wanted to understand and help.

 

Right now we are still "intact" as a family so maybe that is why they seem to be doing okay, so who knows what it would be like if that changes down the road.

 

I do believe, though, that some of it is because it has been humbling. I was always a very sort of self-righteous, bible thumping individual - saw things black and white and looked at others in similar situations saying "I would never do that". Well guess what? Here I am in the exact situation I never expected to find myself. I see the world (and people) through different eyes now and I do not judge anymore - I can't. I am able to even see my husbands OW with compassion to some degree because I have been there. It's very weird and strange.

 

Anyway - I guess all of this to say every situation is different and I believe if parents love their children and really have their best interests at heart, even a divorced situation can work out if the parents are cooperative and loving with their children.

Edited April 5, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[jlola]

I also think there is even more pain added when WS introduces AP to people the married couple knows. Even more shame fr the kids because more people know.

 

This is why it is so difficult for me to read OW/OM talking about how the WS has introduced them to people they know and they are a real couple. Do these people have any idea of how destructive the behavior is to their kids?

 

Mindboggling of how emotionally unaware some people are. I learned about my father's affairs through other people. Many of my cousins have learned about parents affairs through others too. Even the boy cousins hated this "openess". Especially since boys are very protective towards their mothers. Disrespecting your family in private is one thing But flaunting your actions to friends and family, is a whole other mindf**K. Yeah, the kids will be alright. They are resilient.

 

Till you realize they really have trust and relationship issues because of the inner mental mess you created. Being a parent means respecting yourself, your kids,showing moral value,good judgement and honesty.

 

If you honestly made a mistake and do not love your spouse, divorce That way you do not show your children the person they should trust s a liar,deceiver,selfish,entitled person.Who is willing to humiliate the whole family for their pleasure.

[Decorative]

I am sick to death of drive by postings that criticize the character of the betrayed spouses and children, in an effort to alleviate guilt from a wayward.

 

Enough already.

 

It's not a failed parenting issue of the betrayed spouse when a child is hurt by a parent cheating.

 

It's an issue of the wayward HARMING the family, and people reacting.

[Darth Vader]

And let me also add that my oldest is not mirroring me, the bs. she is absolutely pissed about the fact he cheated, she is furious, and i have never seen her this angry for this long. She said she feels betrayed by him, for all his talk about how bad lying is that he was the entire time lying not just to me but the whole family.

 

so no, it is not always a teen mirroring what they see, and the der the kid, the more independant their anger may be.

 

We have been strict parents, teaching morals and right and wrong, lying is bad, we have worked hard to promote truth telling, and this is where she is having the anger...the contradiction in what he taught her vs. what he was doing.

 

 

Just out of curiosity, have you told the older child of everything that has transpired in the situation, not that it would lessen it, of course, and Hell yes! She should be pissed at him for what he's done! However, it may add a little perspective to the whole situation for her. Not that it would make things better.

[krazikat]

Just out of curiosity, have you told the older child of everything that has transpired in the situation, not that it would lessen it, of course, and Hell yes! She should be pissed at him for what he's done! However, it may add a little perspective to the whole situation for her. Not that it would make things better.

 

I have explained some of it...limited and not much detail but some...her response was "omg what is wrong with you guys?"

 

She is almost an adult, she has her ideas of right and wrong...she is not a wild partying teenager, has no interest in dating for fun but only if she likes a guy, and if that guy says or does anything she doesnt like, she wont deal with him anymore...even if what he does is talk about sports too much, or whatever. She is like that with friends, too. She has high standards in people and how they treat and talk to her. She can be a bit too judgmental...but she has high self confidence and limited terance for bs.

 

She graduated from hs 2 years early. She works, is waiting for college because she doesnt want to deal with adult men hitting on her. She is stunningly beautiful...and I am not just saying this from the mommy perspective...but her experiences in how people have treated her for her looks have also helped her have her low tolerance thresh hold...not stuck up but hating the things people, guys especially, have said to her. She is 5`6, wears a size 2, and wears a 30H bra size...only saying this to give an idea of the things people have said to her...being told at 15 that she has a strippers body, teen boys saying what they would like to do to her, and then all her friends boyfriends hitting on her all the time...and grown men.

 

The friends boyfriends issue has always fired her up. She hates cheating. She has always talked to me about these issues, and it pissed her off.

 

So when she heard of my h cheating, she went nuclear. She already doesnt trust guys after her experiences, and now this. someone she trusted lied to her. So yes, I sat her down and talked to her. I told her what i had done all those years ago, and that sometimes people do stupid things, but that doesnt change how much they love their family...life throws twists and turns...that is life. She has been a bit better since but still will barely talk to him. She is still absolutely pissed. At him.

[Darth Vader]

I have explained some of it...limited and not much detail but some...her response was "omg what is wrong with you guys?"

 

She is almost an adult, she has her ideas of right and wrong...she is not a wild partying teenager, has no interest in dating for fun but only if she likes a guy, and if that guy says or does anything she doesnt like, she wont deal with him anymore...even if what he does is talk about sports too much, or whatever. She is like that with friends, too. She has high standards in people and how they treat and talk to her. She can be a bit too judgmental...but she has high self confidence and limited terance for bs.

 

She graduated from hs 2 years early. She works, is waiting for college because she doesnt want to deal with adult men hitting on her. She is stunningly beautiful...and I am not just saying this from the mommy perspective...but her experiences in how people have treated her for her looks have also helped her have her low tolerance thresh hold...not stuck up but hating the things people, guys especially, have said to her. She is 5`6, wears a size 2, and wears a 30H bra size...only saying this to give an idea of the things people have said to her...being told at 15 that she has a strippers body, teen boys saying what they would like to do to her, and then all her friends boyfriends hitting on her all the time...and grown men.

 

The friends boyfriends issue has always fired her up. She hates cheating. She has always talked to me about these issues, and it pissed her off.

 

So when she heard of my h cheating, she went nuclear. She already doesnt trust guys after her experiences, and now this. someone she trusted lied to her. So yes, I sat her down and talked to her. I told her what i had done all those years ago, and that sometimes people do stupid things, but that doesnt change how much they love their family...life throws twists and turns...that is life. She has been a bit better since but still will barely talk to him. She is still absolutely pissed. At him.

 

 

Ah! So she does have some understanding of the situation, even perhaps how the drinking started as well as your husband that may have justified his cheating on you, still, he doesn't get a free pass by NO MEANS! But, at least she has the whole story so she knows what's been going on. Talk about screwed up!

[beenburned]

The secret to having well adjusted children after a divorce is for the parents to ALWAYS think of what is in the best interests of the children.

 

The parents I know never bad mouth the other spouse, always ask the children what they prefer, and plan all events to include both parents.(ball games, birthday parties, school events, holidays, etc)

 

These children are now grown happy sucessful adults who have good loving relationships with both parents!

[krazikat]

Ah! So she does have some understanding of the situation, even perhaps how the drinking started as well as your husband that may have justified his cheating on you, still, he doesn't get a free pass by NO MEANS! But, at least she has the whole story so she knows what's been going on. Talk about screwed up!

 

Yes, she does. She is almost 18 now so I felt I needed to try and explain some of it to her because what she overheard was pretty bad. She was the first to let me know something wasnt right because she had overheard him talking on the phone to tow a few weeks before dday... overheard an argument between them, and brought it to my attention what she heard and also that he had a secret phone. my wh had lied about that to her, told her that she misunderstood and thats not what it was and that the phone was for work. So that also has added to her anger once she heard the truth hearing me and my wh talking about it weeks later. My wh had done a good job of trying to convince nothing was going on...so yes, she feels betrayed. Even knowing the outlined basics. She does recognize that he has stopped drinking and he is really focused on healing the family, but it will take time for her to truly heal.

[Silly_Girl]

The secret to having well adjusted children after a divorce is for the parents to ALWAYS think of what is in the best interests of the children.

 

The parents I know never bad mouth the other spouse, always ask the children what they prefer, and plan all events to include both parents.(ball games, birthday parties, school events, holidays, etc)

 

These children are now grown happy sucessful adults who have good loving relationships with both parents!

 

Great post.

 

I believe a lot of trauma, regardless of its origination, can be drastically reduced by the parents careful and unbiased behaviour.

 

I understand from acquaintances and friends who work with children and teens that the impact of one 'bad' (for the purposes of this discussion) parent can be almost offset if there is one consistent, loving, supportive child-focused parent. For example a friend of mine counsels children who have addicted parents, who are often very selfish, and it can be neglectful. But depending on the wider picture the damage can be significantly reduced, is how I understand it.

[cocorico]

 

What are your experiences?

 

My experience relates to teens who were told by the WS that he had fallen in love with another, and wanted to leave the BS to be with his lover. The teens had struggled with a previous separation when they were younger (before the A) and had watched the WS's unsuccessful attempts since to repair the M and his slow checking out, and were relieved to be told what was going on and consulted on what was to happen. They went to family counselling with the WS and chose to live with the WS and AP post-D. Their schoolwork improved, their behaviour stabilised, social problems abated and emotional problems improved.

[beenburned]

Paperangel,

 

These people were divorced due to one spouse having an affair. They all got remarried.

 

They all attended the same ball games along with both sets of grandparents.

This was also common at school events/award ceremonies.

 

They also were willing to switch visitation days if something came up.

 

Their positive attitudes made the children feel safe, secure, and loved by both parents and also all the grandparents.

[Decorative]

Exactly. I know from reading IM's and the many unpleasant conversations I had with OW how they thought things should be. She would tell him all the time how happy his kids would be for him. Then in the next sentence she would say how unfair all this was because her and her dog deserved someone there for them ALL the time. In other words, in this person's mind her dog deserved more than my kids did.

 

They also though how horrible I was for not telling the kids that, Oh me and your dad just don't get along so we are going to divorce. In other words, I should take half the blame and protect their precious relationship from any harm. HA. Yeah, sorry I wasn't a part of it, I was under no obligation to help them keep their secret. They did it, they could own it. It's called consequences, deal with it.

 

 

Hold up.

 

Her dog?!?

[Darth Vader]

Yes, she does. She is almost 18 now so I felt I needed to try and explain some of it to her because what she overheard was pretty bad. She was the first to let me know something wasnt right because she had overheard him talking on the phone to tow a few weeks before dday... overheard an argument between them, and brought it to my attention what she heard and also that he had a secret phone. my wh had lied about that to her, told her that she misunderstood and thats not what it was and that the phone was for work. So that also has added to her anger once she heard the truth hearing me and my wh talking about it weeks later. My wh had done a good job of trying to convince nothing was going on...so yes, she feels betrayed. Even knowing the outlined basics. She does recognize that he has stopped drinking and he is really focused on healing the family, but it will take time for her to truly heal.

 

She has every right to feel betrayed, because she was! Just as you were!