Affairs and their effect of children 5 yrs+

[HopingAgain]

I agree, and I will add that OWs who feel they can tell a BS what they SHOULD be doing with their children need to stick their worthless opinions where the sun don't shine. They didn't give a damn about the kids feelings during the affair, and I think most only pretend to afterwards to suck up to MM.

[jlola]

My experience relates to teens who were told by the WS that he had fallen in love with another, and wanted to leave the BS to be with his lover. The teens had struggled with a previous separation when they were younger (before the A) and had watched the WS's unsuccessful attempts since to repair the M and his slow checking out, and were relieved to be told what was going on and consulted on what was to happen. They went to family counselling with the WS and chose to live with the WS and AP post-D. Their schoolwork improved, their behaviour stabilised, social problems abated and emotional problems improved.

 

 

I come from a culture where infidelity is "accepted". And I rarely have seen a situation such as the one you described.

 

Unless that is ,the WS was a real A**! I used to beg my mother to divorced my lying,abusive,cheating father. Having him out of the house would have been a lot healthier for everyone But of course he pretended to be the ever loving "better" parent and had so many negative things to say about my mother. Meanwhile, he was a nightmare of a father, but I doubt any of his OW knew that. They would think he was "father of the year" the way he described his parenting".

 

In fact, Mr. Crazy had a library full of "Child Psychology" books, which were prominently displayed to show his dedication. I often wondered if he read the books, but did the opposite to f**K with our minds, or just never bothered to open them.

 

 

 

The only way the kids do better with having parent leave for another person is if the kids were not that attached to him/or her in the first place. Most children usually are very humiliated and feel betrayed also when the WS's affair is revealed. It is normal to feel that.

 

But then again, the woman I know who's husband had 2 other children with OW seems to have happier kids when she left him. Thing is, I don't think the kids were that attached to him since he seemed so self absorbed.

 

In fact, they feel forced to have to spend time with their father. But they LOVE mother's new boyfriend who seems to worship her. Go figure!!!

[Nyla]

Since it seems that the topic went off the intention of the thread, I would like to know the outcome of the affairs effects on children above the age 5 yrs. While it is a proven fact that children as young as age 1 yr can notice the change in the family environment. What effect have you seen on children yrs plus.

 

I personally seen children in their teens attack (verbally) the WS. All the derogatory terms that WSs and their APs despise. I have also seen children refuse to have anything to do with a WS and their new partner.

 

What are your experiences?

 

I was 12 when my father's affair came to light. I will never forget the 3AM phone call, the sound of my mother crying and glass breaking as my mom broke things in a fit of rage and grief.

 

My father was on a pedestal in my mind until that incident. Perhaps it was good for me to see that he is just a normal fallible human being. I lost respect for him and my mother had to tell me to remember that he was still my dad. I made nasty comments and walked away from my father when he spoke to me. I can remember telling my mother that since he did not respect her or his children enough to stay faithful, he did not deserve respect. I understand why my father cheated; my mom is a prude and a battleax. However, understanding why someone does certain things is not the same thing as excusing behavior.

 

To this day, when my father tries to talk to me about morals, I see red and remind him that he is a cheater. He is sexist and he believes that "girl children" should be naive and quiet. My parents tried to raise me like it was 1950.

 

I remember losing respect for my mother that never returned. She always portrayed herself to be a strong woman, yet she took my father back after he cheated AND continued to wait on him hand and foot. What a doormat! La Mere always told me that she stayed for her kids, but I think she stayed because she was too weak to be a single mom.

 

I think I knew far too much about my parent's marriage at 12. I knew all about sexual issues between them and all of their relationship baggage. My mom was angry when I told her that I was too young to worry about her issues on top of my own.

 

Nothing is wrong with being honest with children about infidelity, but the information should be age appropriate. Even when children become adults, they do not need to know all aspects of their parents' marriage. Some things are just for couples to share.

[sweet_pea]

Oh nevermind lol

[Decorative]

Is it just me or is there a lot of talking about dancing off into the sunset with MM and his kids and being bff's with the bs????????

 

There is a huge amount of disconnect from reality. LOL

[angie2443]

I guess that disqualifies the parent who has an affair then.

 

 

 

I believe kids have a right to know what the WS did (not in graphic detail of course) but they deserve to know the truth. I don't think it is fair to expect any BS to lie and take any of the blame for why the cheating spouse is walking out.

 

I'm guessing most kids would prefer that their parents not have affairs and tear apart the family.

 

I'm sorry but if my H had left to go be with OW, there is no way I would attend any event that they would be at. My kids would just have to understand that it would not be fair to have that pain inflicted on me.

No way I would play happy family along with two cheaters.

 

 

 

If my H had walked out it would totally be on him to try and repair his relationship with his kids, if they didn't want to have one with him then that is the price you pay for being a liar and a cheat.

 

I agree. Something in beenburned post feels off to me. It makes no sense to me the new family created from an affair (if I'm understanding beenburned's post right) would want to hang out with the family broken up by the affair and visa versa. Further more, if my husband had done something harmful to me, I'm not hiding it from my kids. I'm not sweeping destructive behavior under a rug and putting on a happy face for the sake of bieng civil. I don't mean that I'd rage about my husband to the kids, but I'd be open about what he did (in an age appropriate manner). Putting on the game face here, in my opinion, encourages acceptance of harmful behavior. This is not how I want to raise my kids. For the record, my husband feels the same way.

[beenburned]

angie,

 

The divorce happened when their child was very young. By the time the child was older and involved in sports, both parents had been remarried for some time.( and had their own children)

 

I can assure you this story is true, as it was my own sister and brother-in-law.

[KathyM]

When my nephews had their home broken because of unfaithfulness by their father, they were teenagers. They used to be high achieving kids, top of their class, sports stars, great kids. After their home was broken and their family torn apart, both of my nephews suffered. One turned to drugs, started hanging out with druggies, was fighting depression, had his grades go downhill, and could no longer cope with life. The other one lost all interest in the sport that he previously loved and gave up years of training and a promising future in sports. He lost his desire to pursue his dreams. Fortunately, there was a man who came into their lives after a few years of disillusionment, a friend, who ministered to them and brought them back to being the wonderful guys they used to be, but for a period of years, these guys were lost, broken, disillusioned and confused.

 

Another man, a friend of my son, was a teenager when his father cheated and then left the family for his OW. The son was heartbroken at the betrayal, and of course felt that his father had betrayed the whole family. What was once a strong and loving family was now a broken one after the father had met up with an old flame and resumed a relationship with her. The son was devastated, as I'm sure the other children in the family were as well. He hated what the dad did to his mother, who was such a sweet and loving woman. Everything the dad had portrayed himself to be was now shown to be meaningless, and because of that, the son never spoke to his father for several years. He has, to this day, not been able to forgive his father for the betrayal and abandonment of the family, although he is trying to bring himself to the point where he can talk to his father again, but their relationship is ruined. He had looked up to his father so much, and when he was faced with the realization that his father cared more about his selfish lust than he cared about his family, his character and his faith, that was a blow that this son could not emotionally deal with. Very damaging blow to this young man when his father chose to do this, and which has caused the father/son relationship to be destroyed.

 

One other family who I know well, the father was a serial cheater. The mother finally divorced him, but the kids were really messed up from the dysfunction of this family. One of the children committed suicide. One became an alcoholic. Children suffer tremendously when a parent is so selfish and dysfunctional.

[summerdowling87]

I found out that my father was a cheater after my parents divorced. (I was 13 at the time)

 

I'm now 25 and I still don't respect my father and neither does my older brother.

[Woggle]

My mother cheated on my father but my trust issues stem from many worse things she did.

 

I have a friend who's mother cheated on his father then left him for another man. The other man dumped her so she took the father back then two years later meets another man and dumps him for good. She tried to cut his father out of his life because she wanted to be a single mother and didn't want a man interfering in raising her kid. A few years later she married another man and she eventually cheated on him as well.

 

My friend doesn't trust women for anything and refuses to marry. His gf last year started pushing for marriage and he dumped her on the spot. The funny thing is that his mother had the nerve to get mad at him for not committing to this woman and he told her he won't end up like her husbands and that is why he will never marry.

 

This is what you do to your kids when you cheat.

[runningfar]

I would never, ever be involved with a married man. I do think that's selfish by the person cheating and their partner. It is an absolutely disgusting action.

 

I have no children. I have been cheated on in a marriage.

 

That said, I never would bad mouth or support my children think badly of their father. It's not about me. He would have to own his own actions, and I would have to own mine.

 

I got over my husband cheating. Divorced because I could not abide by that, but I can be friendly with him and former AP now and I dont even need to for anyone's sake. It was a stupid mistake they made. I understand what mindset he was in when we were unable to conceive. It caused me a lot of pain. They have both apologized but I do not think they are bad people. There is more strength in forgiveness than anything else, and I hope if one day I can adopt, I can teach my children that as well. It's their best chance to not be scarred by the selfish action that has already occurred. A person's actions are not determined by another person, but their own choices. Just as being unable to conceive left us ravaged didn't mean my ex had to seek solace elsewhere, every choice from that point was my own. I seldom even mention that it happened because the truth is our divorce was more than that)

(Not that actions made in pain should be demonized. But I do agree kids must come first, and I only post because insinuations that thinking that mean you are a delusional cheater. I am not a cheater.)

[jlola]

Real parents are too busy being parents to go around screwing the town.

 

This is the TRUTH!!!! I have yet to see any member of my family(sisters included) who were the "good parent".

 

But these cheaters have AP convinced they are the "good parent" and love their kids too much to hurt them by leaving the marriage. Cheaters usually work and still find time for their affair. Then they are usually not mentally present for their kids even while they are with them. they bring toxic energy into the home and marriage and to their kids. But they are great parents. Their kids come first! Who are they kidding??

 

I have read countless post of people who after the affair admitted they were not there emotionally for their kids during the affair. And even if the kids were very unhappy with the situation and would not talk to them because they were in an affair, they would carry on with AP anyway. Using the famous"children are resilient" line, to take away their guilt and refuse to give up their selfish"Love". We are "soulmates" so too bad kids. Suck this up.

 

They could have gotten a divorce and left. Kids understand that a hell of a lot more than the lying,cheating,gaslighting and ugliness they are willing to put onto the whole family now that they found someone that makes them happy.

 

Get out of the marriage and date. Do not date while in the marriage, believe me. The kids will not like the person who helped break the family apart .

[MissBee]

My dad is a serial cheater and this has affected me (and my sister) more than I realized. It wasn't until the past 4 years or so that I understood the depth of its effect.

 

I harbored lots of resentment towards my dad (as well as my mom for continuously "forgiving") but didn't really realize that I did. This strained our relationship as I lost ALL respect for him, so when he would try to give me advice or when I was a teen, put his foot down, I would be rude to him and tell him he had no right to tell anyone anything! I really held lots of resentment for him and just felt he was a hypocrite.

 

In my own relationships, I realized the patterns I saw growing up made me distrustful of men and believed most are cheaters AND then the WORST part was I felt I subconsciously chose men who were unavailable, emotionally or because they were in fact in another relationship. I felt I was replaying patterns I saw with him and my mom and then when I realized this I became even MORE resentful, because I felt like if he wasn't a cheater and if she didn't continuously forgive, I would have learned better relationship skills and wouldn't subconsciously be drawn to similar dynamics.

 

The cheating made my household uncomfortable as my parents argued all the time and every few months a new cheating scandal would break and then my sister and I would have to act like it was normal. When we were young it was particularly hard for us, as we felt uncomfortable but didn't know how to address it as children, as it was "adult business". So we would talk about it between us hoping to comfort ourselves.

 

My dad would also act out his sketchy behaviors when my mom was away and be on the phone with OW or go off with them and we KNEW what he was up to, but he was oblivious to the fact that we weren't stupid, he truly thought we had no idea, and we felt caught in the middle. Both knowing what he was doing and being angry about it, but not being able to tell our mom, because again it didn't seem like our place. I remember my sister and I would always wish our parents would get a divorce instead of the arguing and the ridiculous cheating scandals.

 

To this day I am still healing from these things and vow to NEVER NEVER NEVER put my children in such a position. I would never choose to be the cheater neither remain with a serial one. I love my dad, but it is hard for me to say I respect him. When women say they want a man like their dad, I'm like ummm not me!!! I love him to pieces but he is not a good husband and his selfish ways also don't help him to be the greatest father and I want something completely different in a father for my own kids and in a husband for me. I sometimes wish I did have a dad that I could respect and look up to as a model for how a man should treat a woman....but I didn't get that. I got the exact opposite and unfortunately, I STILL learned form my dad (and mom) how to let men treat me...poorly...and am slowly unlearning and undoing it.

Edited April 13, 2013 by MissBee

[William]

From moderation: Some inflammatory postings and responses thereto have been deleted. Moderation attempted to retain topical material in the processing of the thread. Carry on.