On OKC for new friends and activity partners

[RedRobin]

I realize that some version of this might have been on another thread, but I wanted to share my thoughts/experience on this.

 

Some of you know that I'm in the process of TRYING to find work in another location from where I currently live. Partly because of the really poor dating options here... partly because the economy sucks here, taxes are high, etc.

 

So, after another poster got on OkC looking for just friends, I decided to give it a shot after years of staying off of that venue. I can't be a hermit waiting for the economy to improve.

 

In my profile, I made it clear that:

 

a) No recovering "fill in the blank".

b) a lot of my current friends are married or not active, and that is why I'm there for new friends/activity partners

c) message me if "you are willing to join me at a Meetup event, a road race, or running club doing something active like running, biking, hiking, rock climbing, etc"

 

Of course, I ignore emails from men with an obvious sexual angle or who haven't read my profile... or b*tching that it is a 'dating' site.

 

I also don't post pics. The only thing I have posted right now is my shadow. Which gets me through the "no pics" filter, but also gives me some privacy.

 

So, here is my problem.

 

Why don't you guys simply self-select? If you don't meet simple criteria, why do you bother?

 

I'm asking because I agreed to meet a guy at the local rock gym and we both had a good time. Afterward, he said he'd be up for running sometime and I mentioned an event at a local running club I was going to. He came, then we went for tea at a local coffee shop afterwards. Nothing heavy.

 

Ok. I find out during this conversation that he has 2 DUIs. :rolleyes:

 

He says "I did see that on your profile, about the no recovering (fill in the blank) but I don't see myself that way" Um, what I wanted to say to the guy was... by definition, two DUIs and you not seeing yourself that way makes you .... THAT WAY! Oh, and after the tea, he tried to kiss me.

 

My sister said "Do these guys think they live in Egypt... at De-Nile?" ( I love my sis!!)

 

F-ing A... I can't even find decent men to make FRIENDS with around here. Not to mention the fact that even if I did come across a guy I found attractive, I'm not having sex with them for a lot longer than anyone on OkC is willing to f-ing wait... so it's pointless even bringing it up.

 

If I WERE looking for someone to date there, I'd be a lot pickier. As it is, all I really care about is finding fun people to get out of the house with. Is that so damn tough? And not get hit on?

Edited April 5, 2013 by RedRobin

[Emilia]

F-ing A... I can't even find decent men to make FRIENDS with around here. Not to mention the fact that even if I did come across a guy I found attractive, I'm not having sex with them for a lot longer than anyone on OkC is willing to f-ing wait... so it's pointless even bringing it up.

 

If I WERE looking for someone to date there, I'd be a lot pickier. As it is, all I really care about is finding fun people to get out of the house with. Is that so damn tough? And not get hit on?

 

I think if you are this angry at 3 billion people on this planet (ie the male population) you are not in the position to make friends or date. Any mistake or misunderstanding (they are human beings too would you believe it or not) will just set you off - as demonstrated above.

 

Maybe moving to the new area first, settling in and dating after would be best.

 

Also, another perspective: whenever I see a guy posting 'looking for friends only' profile on a dating site I assume he doesn't know what he is doing. Why wouldn't someone who is after friends just join meetup rather than waste everyone's time on a dating site? You will only get clueless guys replying.

 

Why would you meet strangers off a dating site to accompany you to meetup meetings to meet more strangers? It doesn't make sense from a social point if view. If you post clueless profiles, you get clueless responses.

[RedRobin]

I think if you are this angry at 3 billion people on this planet (ie the male population) you are not in the position to make friends or date. Any mistake or misunderstanding (they are human beings too would you believe it or not) will just set you off - as demonstrated above.

 

Maybe moving to the new area first, settling in and dating after would be best.

 

Also, another perspective: whenever I see a guy posting 'looking for friends only' profile on a dating site I assume he doesn't know what he is doing. Why wouldn't someone who is after friends just join meetup rather than waste everyone's time on a dating site? You will only get clueless guys replying.

 

Why would you meet strangers off a dating site to accompany you to meetup meetings to meet more strangers? It doesn't make sense from a social point if view. If you post clueless profiles, you get clueless responses.

 

It is a social networking site, darling. All kinds of people go there. I know of one or two men who only are there for friends too... but they aren't physically active either. I occasionally join them for coffee just for good conversation.

 

I don't see anything wrong with stating your preferences, and expecting other people to respect them.

 

The only preference I had was the three things above. It's not confusing at all.

 

... and finally... it is not 'hating men' to not be ok with a fast f*ck or being lied to.

 

one last thing... I've tried going to Meetups too. It's like they all pile on like goddamn horseshoe crabs. It's no different there.

 

OH... and Emilia... I'm sorry that you, as a woman, feel the need to defend men's bad behavior. I'm angry at women like you who think women like me need to put up with this BS.

 

So, the question goes back to... why can't they self select?? because they have no self respect? Because they don't respect other people? Yea... I think that is the reason.

Edited April 5, 2013 by RedRobin

[Eternal Sunshine]

Because they are selfish and only care about what they want.

[RedRobin]

Hi ES...

 

Big hug. Yes, it was you who inspired me to give OkC another shot as just friends. Hope you are doing ok.

 

Even though I'm ranting a bit above, I still think it is better than going there for dating. At least the guy apologized after trying to kiss me.

 

When I was there before, agreeing to meet someone for coffee/drinks seemed to be the green light for all kinds of crappy behavior from total strangers. This time at least, I had a fun time at the rock gym... and yea, I met some other cool people while I was there too.

 

So, not giving up on the just friends or activity partners...

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've met some great peeps off of OKCupid, It's been pretty much nothing but positive (note: I'm not known for my memory) for me even though I've been an @ss a few times to say the least (what else is new!) but I've selected new friends and I've done that for a few years off and on as I do like to get to know people and it helps you branch out to areas where you might not normally meet people from, or even people from completely different lifestyles, so it's always interesting.

 

However, although I never made the move myself to encroach upon the "friendship" barriers (I have two modes: assertive and non-assertive, I switch to them accordingly based on my mindset/intentions and hold to that), it's not like you can't develop connections with people, therefore you will gain some romantic interest. But women are generally much less abrasive and creepy than men, so it's easier to set boundaries (they'll at least pretend to respect them for a while...usually...sometimes)...however I've been told I send subtle mixed signals myself as well, it's just apart of my personality so I have to be really on top of it, It's not always easy shutting off the flirtatious and romantic side in me, it can slip out. But it's not something that happens or develops over night in non-assertive mode, especially If that is not my intention to do so at all...I've gotten much better at it though and I'm not the person that is doing the initiating.

 

Also, don't meet people right off the bat if you're not looking for romantic interest, most guys can't hold it together if they're looking for one thing and will taper off. Anyone who wants to meet right away should be a red flag, you may want to make "friends" but you've to get to know person through correspondence or phone before making that leap...I'm very careful with that myself because I know how easily things can change if you don't have your barriers set firmly in place before hand and have some rapport with that person and know a bit about them first. Once you meet that person and they've decided they are attracted/interested in you everything gets thrown out the window pretty easily.

 

You should look me up on OKC RR, it's under the name screen name, It'd be a bit comical to have you as one of my visitors. And i mean that in a nice way...kind of.

Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hi ES...

 

Big hug. Yes, it was you who inspired me to give OkC another shot as just friends. Hope you are doing ok.

 

Even though I'm ranting a bit above, I still think it is better than going there for dating. At least the guy apologized after trying to kiss me.

 

When I was there before, agreeing to meet someone for coffee/drinks seemed to be the green light for all kinds of crappy behavior from total strangers. This time at least, I had a fun time at the rock gym... and yea, I met some other cool people while I was there too.

 

So, not giving up on the just friends or activity partners...

 

Hugs!

 

I am not doing much better. They are angling to turn things sexual. I have met one super religious guy that doesn't beleive in sex before marriage so he is not aggressive in that way... I still get the feeling that he seems awkward when I mention other men. I drop in a word friend all the time, like "how have you been my friend :laugh:" etc. I think that makes it a bit clearer. I am taking my pictures off soon though..

[WhoreyBull]

Large dating websites are generally not the best place to find quality people. I'd look for a smaller, perhaps local activity based, site especially if you are looking for just friends.

And double especially since the site is called OK cupid... like imagine that in a begrudged voice.

"OK, Cupid If you put it that way I guess I'll sleep with you."

[Eternal Sunshine]

I've met some great peeps off of OKCupid, It's been pretty much nothing but positive (note: I'm not known for my memory) for me even though I've been an @ss a few times to say the least (what else is new!) but I've selected new friends and I've done that for a few years off and on as I do like to get to know people and it helps you branch out to areas where you might not normally meet people from, or even people from completely different lifestyles, so it's always interesting.

 

However, although I never made the move myself to encroach upon the "friendship" barriers (I have two modes: assertive and non-assertive, I switch to them accordingly based on my mindset/intentions and hold to that), it's not like you can't develop connections with people, therefore you will gain some romantic interest. But women are generally much less abrasive and creepy than men, so it's easier to set boundaries (they'll at least pretend to respect them for a while...usually...sometimes)...however I've been told I send subtle mixed signals myself as well, it's just apart of my personality so I have to be really on top of it, It's not always easy shutting off the flirtatious and romantic side in me, it can slip out. But it's not something that happens or develops over night in non-assertive mode, especially If that is not my intention to do so at all...I've gotten much better at it though and I'm not the person that is doing the initiating.

 

Also, don't meet people right off the bat if you're not looking for romantic interest, most guys can't hold it together if they're looking for one thing and will taper off. Anyone who wants to meet right away should be a red flag, you may want to make "friends" but you've to get to know person through correspondence or phone before making that leap...I'm very careful with that myself because I know how easily things can change if you don't have your barriers set firmly in place before hand and have some rapport with that person and know a bit about them first. Once you meet that person and they've decided they are attracted/interested in you everything gets thrown out the window pretty easily.

 

You should look me up on OKC RR, it's under the name screen name, It'd be a bit comical to have you as one of my visitors. And i mean that in a nice way...kind of.

 

You should be looking to friend men too then, not just women

Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RedRobin]

I've met some great peeps off of OKCupid, It's been pretty much nothing but positive (note: I'm not known for my memory) for me even though I've been an @ss a few times to say the least (what else is new!) but I've selected new friends and I've done that for a few years off and on as I do like to get to know people and it helps you branch out to areas where you might not normally meet people from, or even people from completely different lifestyles, so it's always interesting.

 

However, although I never made the move myself to encroach upon the "friendship" barriers (I have two modes: assertive and non-assertive, I switch to them accordingly based on my mindset/intentions and hold to that), it's not like you can't develop connections with people, therefore you will gain some romantic interest. But women are generally much less abrasive and creepy than men, so it's easier to set boundaries (they'll at least pretend to respect them for a while...usually...sometimes)...however I've been told I send subtle mixed signals myself as well, it's just apart of my personality so I have to be really on top of it, It's not always easy shutting off the flirtatious and romantic side in me, it can slip out. But it's not something that happens or develops over night in non-assertive mode, especially If that is not my intention to do so at all...I've gotten much better at it though and I'm not the person that is doing the initiating.

 

Also, don't meet people right off the bat if you're not looking for romantic interest, most guys can't hold it together if they're looking for one thing and will taper off. Anyone who wants to meet right away should be a red flag, you may want to make "friends" but you've to get to know person through correspondence or phone before making that leap...I'm very careful with that myself because I know how easily things can change if you don't have your barriers set firmly in place before hand and have some rapport with that person and know a bit about them first. Once you meet that person and they've decided they are attracted/interested in you everything gets thrown out the window pretty easily.

 

You should look me up on OKC RR, it's under the name screen name, It'd be a bit comical to have you as one of my visitors. And i mean that in a nice way...kind of.

 

Thanks for the advice on how to keep things as just friends.

 

About the meeting people right away... he and I did have some conversations in advance. There was nothing flirtatious at all. Just enough to make me think we'd have some things in common and the basis for a friendship.

 

In a way, I'm bummed that he told me about his DUIs. I suppose if he wasn't trying to force the intimacy, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to share it either. If it really was in his distant past, I'd expect them to KEEP it there. One of the things I despise about OLD is the expectation of instant intimacy.

 

... and speaking of OkC. I sincerely appreciate the offer to find you there. Between LS and trying to do other social networking near me, it is really tough to think about having a pen pal or other friends not near me. Plus, I admit I really, really like my privacy here.

 

Thanks though! I'm really flattered!

 

OTOH, nice way to segue in some marketing space, buddy!

 

I do admit, I'm curious about checking out your hot self, ha ha. oh WAIT.... mixed signals!! ladies, go check out Ninja's profile... PM me later.

Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RedRobin]

You should be looking to friend men too then, not just women

 

my profile is open to 'everybody'

 

and 'near me'

[RedRobin]

Your chances of finding a TRUE male friend, who has absolutely ZERO desire for you in any way, are just about zero. That is, of course, unless he's gay.

 

I opened my profile up to 'everybody'... so I'm totally ok meeting people of all orientations there.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You should be looking to friend men too then, not just women

 

I think men would feel a little strange meeting/talking on a website such as OkCupid, that's not really our thing, we're not like a gaggle of women just chatting it up, the forum serves that purpose. But i have actually had debates and conversations with men on various subjects that have been discussed on OkCupid when it was more a "social website"...meaning people weren't there just to "hookup", but kind of similar to the "dating dynamic" on LS.

 

I use it much much less than nowadays, mainly as a replacement for something like Facebook, which I only use for family and friends.

 

Thanks for the advice on how to keep things as just friends.

 

About the meeting people right away... he and I did have some conversations in advance. There was nothing flirtatious at all. Just enough to make me think we'd have some things in common and the basis for a friendship.

 

In a way, I'm bummed that he told me about his DUIs. I suppose if he wasn't trying to force the intimacy, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to share it either. If it really was in his distant past, I'd expect them to KEEP it there. One of the things I despise about OLD is the expectation of instant intimacy.

 

... and speaking of OkC. I sincerely appreciate the offer to find you there. Between LS and trying to do other social networking near me, it is really tough to think about having a pen pal or other friends not near me. Plus, I admit I really, really like my privacy here.

 

Thanks though! I'm really flattered!

 

OTOH, nice way to segue in some marketing space, buddy!

 

I do admit, I'm curious about checking out your hot self, ha ha. oh WAIT.... mixed signals!! ladies, go check out Ninja's profile... PM me later.

 

Well if you guys are "friends" I supposed he has a right to tell you all about his life without an expectation of meeting your dating standards, however if he was trying to throw you a kiss it seems he was trying to get closer to you.

 

RR, I think you misunderstood me, I was just merely saying you could look me up on there and check out my profile and I'd check yours (for *****s and giggles), especially since we're not close to each other and I wouldn't have "exposed" you on LS. Plus you have a profile on there that likely doesn't have much personal information I'm assuming? and without a picture? I wouldn't even be able to see your face!

 

I wasn't expecting a penpal situation/friendship, I know a lot of people like to stay in the shadows and have an exclusive anonymous outlet on LS...including myself, but I don't give a lot of personal information even on my OKcupid.

 

P.S. Send me nudes....damn mixed signals!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm thinking about checking out a few Meetups in the area. Maybe I'll be able to find people my age that way.

 

I am going to do some meet ups...spending 1-1 time with strange men is too much like a date...

Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RedRobin]

I think men would feel a little strange meeting/talking on a website such as OkCupid, that's not really our thing, we're not like a gaggle of women just chatting it up, the forum serves that purpose. But i have actually had debates and conversations with men on various subjects that have been discussed on OkCupid when it was more a "social website"...meaning people weren't there just to "hookup", but kind of similar to the "dating dynamic" on LS.

 

I use it much much less than nowadays, mainly as a replacement for something like Facebook, which I only use for family and friends.

 

 

 

Well if you guys are "friends" I supposed he has a right to tell you all about his life without an expectation of meeting your dating standards, however if he was trying to throw you a kiss it seems he was trying to get closer to you.

 

RR, I think you misunderstood me, I was just merely saying you could look me up on there and check out my profile and I'd check yours (for *****s and giggles), especially since we're not close to each other and I wouldn't have "exposed" you on LS. Plus you have a profile on there that likely doesn't have much personal information I'm assuming? and without a picture? I wouldn't even be able to see your face!

 

I wasn't expecting a penpal situation/friendship, I know a lot of people like to stay in the shadows and have an exclusive anonymous outlet on LS...including myself, but I don't give a lot of personal information even on my OKcupid.

 

P.S. Send me nudes....damn mixed signals!

 

My OkC profile has more info on it than I'd be willing to share with LS people. Well, it is condensed there. Here, one would have had to follow my posts for quite awhile to get what I'm allowing to filter through.

 

About the pics... it's too bad you missed out on the bootie fest a week or two ago. I had a weak moment when that b*tch Mesmerized convinced me to doooooo it! (post pics of my butt) And I did. And it was fun. (I you Mes).

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hmmmmm......Are there a lot of meetup groups on Pluto?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are tons. I have become a total hermit lately

 

I am going to do one meet-up a week. That shouldn't be too much. And I figure if i don't click with the group, I will move on to the next one.

 

BTW I would totally hang out with you if you lived on Pluto

[outsidethebox]

why do girls (and apparently the ones who are very picky daters if at all) seek guy friends?

 

I can't imagine how that works.

[RedRobin]

What did you expect? You're on a dating site and I'm sure if Prince Charming was on there and he looked like "fill in the blank", you'd probably change that "looking for" status quickly. Most guys assume any girl on OLD is either looking for a relationship, a hook up with guys out of her league IRL or an ego boost. IMO

 

Hmm... if it were strictly a dating site, they wouldn't have selections for "casual sex" (which is NOT dating)... or "new friends"... or "activity partners"

 

Even though OkC makes most of their money from people who are 'dating'... that is not the only thing it offers.

 

What did I expect? How about people respect my preferences. I imagine that you MEN think it is A-OK to be sh*theads whenever it pleases you?? Yes, I've observed that behavior both IRL and in OLD... not much difference there.

 

Not sure why anyone would think I'm there for an ego boost. I don't post pictures. I say I'm looking for new friends, and that I'm open to meeting 'everybody'. Not sure how more clear I could possibly be.

 

Men who make other assumptions and try to push limits are jerks.

 

oh, and about if Prince Charming looked like "fill in the blank"... I don't look at their pics. I don't care what they look like. Why would I care what a friend or activity partner looked like? Heck, even when I went there for dating once upon a time... I didn't look at their pics much. I might have looked to see if they appeared friendly. That's it.

 

I DO look at how they answer their questions... which is another reason why having a profile there is useful for finding friends. You can find people who share your values... or at least have some insight on what their values might be.

 

Oh, and the guy who I just passed up? Triathelete. Ran the Boston Marathon recently and the Ironman. Objectively very handsome. I didn't know this before agreeing to meet him. He commented during our time having tea together that he noticed that I didn't look at his pics.

 

I didn't realize that OkC has some way of notifying you if someone looks at your pics or not. That was interesting. Anyway, he must have found that appealing about me. *shrug*

[RedRobin]

why do girls (and apparently the ones who are very picky daters if at all) seek guy friends?

 

I can't imagine how that works.

 

Hmm.. ok. Imagine you are a girl. And just about every guy you meet and have a decent conversation with wants to f*ck you ASAP.

 

I realize that is like most men's dream... but imagine that you get this at the most inopportune times... when you aren't feeling especially friendly, or open, or whatever... and our culture has decided that you, the woman, are obliged to be emotionally accessible to all comers... and that it is also up to you to carry all the weight of 'pacing' a relationship too. The guy just be's his d*ck self and it is up to women to be mind-readers.

 

After awhile, you just get tired. And want to take a pass and hoping, for even a little while, that something born with a d*ck might treat you like a human being.

 

Not something to just f*ck.

 

How does that work? YOU figure it out. I'm tired of doing the thinking for men.

[RedRobin]

I'm thinking about checking out a few Meetups in the area. Maybe I'll be able to find people my age that way.

 

One thing that is good about OkC is the questions. You find out if you share similar interests and values.

 

Since the dating pool is so small here, I plan on keeping at least a secret profile going on OkC to check out guys I come across IRL to see if the BS they are spouting IRL lines up with what they are telling the ladies on OkC.

[TouchedByViolet]

If you want friends meet women.

 

Also, I don't buy my friends are in a relationship excuse. Then your friends are kind of lame. Two of my best guy friends are in LTR and I still see them at least once a week. Their SO's like me and we enjoy each others company too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

One thing that is good about OkC is the questions. You find out if you share similar interests and values.

 

Since the dating pool is so small here, I plan on keeping at least a secret profile going on OkC to check out guys I come across IRL to see if the BS they are spouting IRL lines up with what they are telling the ladies on OkC.

 

I do this too!

 

I caught men in so many lies, it's beyond depressing. But a really good way to weed them out.

[outsidethebox]

I didn't realize that OkC has some way of notifying you if someone looks at your pics or not. That was interesting. Anyway, he must have found that appealing about me. *shrug*

 

Visitors shows who has looked at your profile, not specifically your pic(s). There is an optional notification if they meet match criteria of some sort in Settings, but I don't think I've seen an email like that.

[outsidethebox]

Hmm.. ok. Imagine you are a girl. And just about every guy you meet and have a decent conversation with wants to f*ck you ASAP.

 

I realize that is like most men's dream... but imagine that you get this at the most inopportune times... when you aren't feeling especially friendly, or open, or whatever... and our culture has decided that you, the woman, are obliged to be emotionally accessible to all comers... and that it is also up to you to carry all the weight of 'pacing' a relationship too. The guy just be's his d*ck self and it is up to women to be mind-readers.

 

After awhile, you just get tired. And want to take a pass and hoping, for even a little while, that something born with a d*ck might treat you like a human being.

 

Not something to just f*ck.

 

How does that work? YOU figure it out. I'm tired of doing the thinking for men.

 

Ok, I read that answer, and the question remains, why would you want to be friends with a guy, especially given your answer.

 

It's like you're deliberately seeking out additional opportunities to complain.

 

Actually, it's not like that, it's what you're doing, what you enjoy most.

[tuxedo cat]

I'm a woman. OP, I am also confused about why you are looking for friends on OKC. I mean is that really what you're doing or are you hoping that one of these friends may lead to something more? Why not make friends in a more normal way like joining some organization or community or socializing with people you meet through your job? And why are you trying to make male friends? I feel like if you were really trying to make friends you would target women rather than men?